I (20M) have a friend (20M) and we’ve been friends for 6 years. I recently started distancing myself from him because he started dating someone (16F). He told me about her before they got official and at the time told me she was only 15. I told her that that’s a really young guy for him to be dating and it was gross and sickening. I was hoping he would listen to me and move on, but they’re official now. I refuse to hangout with him and haven’t seen him since they started dating. Part of me feels like TAH because she’s technically of age where I live, and everyone else seems fine with it calling me dramatic and that it’s no big deal. He met her while being her manager and I don’t know that’s even weirder to me because he has power over her. It’s his first relationship but it feels sickening to even think about. Maybe I’m being stuck up over only a 4 year age gap, as when I called him out in a group setting everyone stuck up for him and said I was being overly dramatic so I have stopped all contact with them too. I contacted his workplace but they said they knew and were fine with it. I now don’t have any friends to talk to and appear to be in the minority. AITAH?
Edit: thank you for your input. Most say that I am not the AH. However some do and I can not fully fault you for it. The most common thing people agree I should not have done was call his workplace, a bit of a dick move but i hope you understand I was trying to look out for the child and act on what I thought was right. You say I have no clear proof that what he was doing was grooming and your right I don’t but a lot of the time there isn’t. My conclusion is that I am entitled to my decision and opinion. If you are fine with it I think you are entitled to that, however we would never be friends and I am fine with that. To those who said I am not being dramatic thank you for letting me know I am not alone on this.
Comments
You’re not the asshole, you’re the only one with the guts to call out something that’s clearly predatory, even if everyone else’s silence makes you feel crazy
Nah, you’re not the asshole you’re the only one in the room with a working moral compass. If “legal” is their only defense, they’ve already lost the argument.
YTA for posting this Age Gap rage bait.
FYI, the Age of Consent in most of the world is 16 — and in some places even younger! China, central Europe, and most of South America has it at 14.
If this is true though, get your nose out of other people’s business! Like, wtf were you thinking, calling his job and trying to get him fired? Fuck all the way off with that.
Edit: For everyone who’s downvoting (editing because OP’s a punk who blocked me so now I can’t respond to anything), here’s what the Metropolitan Police in the UK has to say about grooming:
>Signs of grooming
>It can be difficult to tell if someone is being groomed – the signs aren’t always obvious and may be hidden.
>Some signs to look out for:
>Are they being secretive about how they’re spending their time?
>Do they have an older boyfriend or girlfriend?
>Do they have money or new things like clothes and mobile phones that they can’t or won’t explain?
>Are they drinking or taking drugs?
>Are they spending more or less time than usual online or on their devices?
>Do they seem upset or withdrawn?
>Are they using sexual language you wouldn’t expect them to know?
>Are they spending more time away from home or going missing for periods of time?
In OP’s post he hasn’t mentioned any of the other warning signs of the girl being groomed, except for having an older boyfriend — which isn’t uncommon whatsoever. It’s not some instant “Gotcha!” you people think it is, it’s just a sign to be cautious for other behavior going on. And, if anything, OP explicitly stated that they weren’t being secretive, so there’s no reason to believe OP’s (now former) friend groomed her.
People who spend a lot of time together (like at work) can start to like each other, just like people can be attracted to people who’re younger or older than themselves. It’s completely natural and normal, so stop being the Moral Police.
NTA. Your friend is a predator and the people defending his relationship are also predators I’d distance myself from them too.
You are absolutely NTA, even if it’s technically legal the age gap alone means they’re in two different stages (both in life and brain development). The fact that he is (or was) her manager at work makes this 1,000 times worse. Doesn’t matter if it’s his 1st relationship or 7th, he should be dating women around his age not girls in high school like some pedo. The rest of your friends defending him are sick too, it may suck losing your friends like this. At least now by cutting them off you’ve cleared the way for better people, who are better aligned with your morals to come into your life. Thank you for doing the right thing and calling out these weirdos
NTA. A 20yo dating a 16yo he managed is creepy, period. You’re mot dramatic u’re the only one with standards.
Age divided by 2 plus 7 is appropriate age.
20÷2=10+7=17. Anything under is a no-go
I mightve phrased that weird, english not my main lang. Age divided by 2 plus 7 is the absolute minimum to date. It might not be legal in some places (unless youre from the us and its your cousin)
If they’re both above the age of consent then there’s nothing whatsoever wrong with their relationship.
NTA for thinking this guy is a weirdo, definitely is
but yta because holy shit Karen. read the room. its one thing to be right, its another thing to be the guy everybody hates.
Im not going to pass judgement either way as I dont know the maturity of the 16yo. Its completely legal, I would say yta. Use ur own brain to decide for yourself, find ur own moral compass.
YTA for posting this
He is better off without you. Ringing up his workplace. Who do you think you are? Yta.
A 4 year difference in age is not anything unusual and teenage girls often are attracted to older boys because most of the boys their age are AH’s. It sounds like you might be a little jealous.
Better to walk away from friends who are okay with a disgusting age-and-power imbalance like that.
He groomed her when she was 15. He’s a predator.
You have a moral compass. They don’t. You should be proud of yourself.
NTA
NTA, it’s your choice and if that’s a red line for you then that’s fine.
That said you’re probably going to be in the minority in the real world. On Reddit people are super weird about ages, but IRL people don’t really care that much.
Where are you from that she can work at age 15?
NTA.
As with any relationship, you are free to stay or leave for any reason, or even no reason. If you don’t want to be near the situation, then that’s your prerogative.
As for them, if the parents know and are okay with it, then since everyone else is okay with it, you’re the odd one out. It doesn’t mean that you’re wrong, just that you feel differently than they do.
NTA, just because something is legal doesn’t mean it’s right. Child marriage is legal in some places, it doesn’t make it right, it just makes it more “acceptable” to do for the predators and easier to get away with.
You can get better friends honestly, they all sound gross. Your ex-friend is a damn groomer and everyone around him are enablers. Yikes. If the law changed the age of consent to say, 6, and your friend decides to date a 6-year old because it’s legal, would they still be on-board with it? Or would they all hide the 6-years olds in their families away from this guy?
I only need to read the title to decide you’re NTAH….
He’s what’s commonly known as a nonce. Well done for calling it out
This will be downvoted, but honestly I don’t care.
I’m European, age of consent is 14 in my country, 16 if there’s power unbalance involved. Does it mean I would be happy if a 30 something would have a relationship with a 14 yo kid? No, of course not.
But I consider acceptable a 4 years age gap. You can label a person as predator because you live in US and have different laws, but that doesn’t mean you’re right.
And in this case, the company itself didn’t take any measure against the man.
What state do you live in? Are you in the south? If you’re in the south they would look at that as perfectly normal. In fact if they get married, they would find that perfectly normal because they usually marry very young there. The problem is the parents. why the hell are the parents letting 16-year-old date a 20 year old? Thats where the problem lies.
NTA, your friend is absolutely a predator. Anyone that is ok with a 20 year old guy dating a 16 year old girl is wrong in the head, while she may be of legal age in your country, that does not make it right. I can also guarantee you any of the women who are 18-20 can your “friend” is nothing but a creep. I know if she were my daughter, he and I would be having a serious chat.
Finally someone with some sense
The fact it’s a relationship makes you NTAH the age of consent is fine if a 16yr old wants to have a quick meetup with someone older what ever they are going to be with each other for 15-30min.
Dating on the other hand where people start mixing their lives together is a whole different thing. The age gap means one has dynamic power over the other at those ages.
As people age then the age gap between the younger and older person can increase as there is less to learn about life someone who is 30 has more in common with someone that is 50 than they do with someone that is 20.
NTA, that’s against company policy for most workplaces and it’s not socially acceptable in the US. Depending on your state it might still be legal but it’s not socially acceptable.
YTA.
Assuming this is not a pattern, and is a proper relationship, with no power dynamic in his favour, then zero issue.
Its 4 years, probably less than that depending on their birthdays.
I met my other half when id just turned 20 and they were still 16. Never dated anyone more than a year younger before that.
4 years isn’t a big gap when you’re an adult
It is when one of you is an adult and the other is studying for high school exams.
NTA
NTA, you are one of the very few people who actually feel some form of responsibility to protect others who you are not even harming yourself. As a young woman I respect what you did. It sucks that it’s culturally accepted where you are but I believe you are in the right. I cannot even look at a 21 year old guy (I’m 22) without seeing them as anything else but a little baby that needs protecting. Your friend having any emotional/mental overlap with a 16 year old speaks volumes to his personality and they’re not good.
NTA the friend is a pedo, OP tried to convince them to stop but to no avail. The only other moral choice is the cut them off, being associated with a known pedo is akin to endorsing that kind of activity
NTA, that dude is a full grown adult dating a minor, that’s pred behaviour. Block them.
NTA. It’s disgusting. The only reason he’s dating her is because he knows he can (and most likely will) take advantage of her naivety. My youngest sister’s friend was 16 dating a 20yo back a few years ago. She was a good and nice girl that became really bad once he used her for his sexual needs and dumped her after being together for 2-3 years.
Cope
These things can often depend (nature 16, immature 20) but it’s a massive in your face red flag for sure. If you’re that immature at 20 you probably shouldn’t be dating anyone to be honest, let alone someone 4 years younger than you who is still practically a child.
This a thing that should have stayed in the 1970s.
Not the asshole, you should have moral boundaries.
Not 100 percent on calling his place of work, I’m not really a fan of those tactics, but I’m not strongly opposed to it in this circumstance, just a little opposed, as it could make matters even worse for everyone involved.
You contacted his work place? You are definitely an asshole!!
If you don’t like something that’s fine, she’s of age, this doesn’t affect you in anyway.
Mind your own business!
My thought? Just because it’s legal doesn’t mean it’s right. Just because you have no evidence of grooming, doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. Regardless of emotions and intent, there’s significant physical differences in the psychological & brain maturity of these two people. Your reaction is warranted and appropriate. I’m undecided whether your expressions of that reaction (calling him out first in front of your entire friend group, calling his work, etc) were the best choices. But your thoughts are exactly the same as mine.
YTA. As wrong as it might be it sounds legal
Not the asshole. That’s disgusting. Good on you for having a backbone and pointing out what should be obvious for him. Predatory behavior on his part for sure.
I hate the whole “They’re of age/the age of consent is..”, BC it’s just a stupid ass excuse that doesn’t even hold up in law.
Where I live, the age of consent is 14….with other 14 year olds! Not with a 20 year old!! That’s what many people forget. Yeah you’re old enough to be dating/sexually active. But only within your own age group!!! Anything else is predatory, grooming and taking advantage of a minor! And anyone that tells you differently belongs on AAAALLLL the lists!!!
I mean, its certainly not the greatest move but its not that horrible either. Theres women out here dating guys twice their age and women getting slapped around by dudes the same age as them and staying.
2 years ago he was in high school, its not as weird as a 30 year old dating an 18 year old or something.
You’re NTA here, I think, especially because you tried to talk to them before cutting them off too.
Kinda yes… 20 and 16 are basically the same age