TW there will be slight mention of SA
I am a 23 yr. Old female and I have a 3 month old baby girl. Now my family has always been the “Family is important” family, saying things like “Do it for family” or “he’s family”.
I’ve finally decided to fully cut off my oldest brother. For years he has tortured me and the rest of my siblings as we grew up.
(TW SA, slight mention)
When I was 8 yr. Old – he was around 20 – he forced me to do very gross things I will not repeat here. He has also tried to choke out my youngest brother, who was around 12, making my him 27. (Also he was angry because a few hours ago our dad had gotten us McDonald’s, apparently my youngest brother took 1. He took only 1 of this grown man’s chicken nugget.) I had gotten in between them and ended up tossed across the room. His anger was now focused on me, he stormed over and grabbed my face.
(Now here’s where I can’t remember what happened but my other brothers, 4 including my youngest brother, have told me what happened.)
When he grabs my face he begins to smash the back of my head into the floor, very violently, the living room looked like a crime scene. I was taken to the hospital and rushed into surgery. I was told that I died on the table but was revived. While this was happening my dad refused to press charges, obviously they took him in anyways. It took me 3 years to relearn to walk and talk, now I have a permanent stutter, but my dad still keeps in contact with oldest brother. (Our mother was in the hospital at this time, has now passed by the present time.)
My brother was released a year ago on ‘good behavior’ and my siblings and I don’t want anything to do with him. My dad and aunts (dad’s sisters) still talk to him.
Now, we always had holidays and simple hangouts at my aunts’ (5 aunts, all live together in a really nice big house) and unfortunately they continue to invite my oldest brother. I don’t want him near my child. I’m very blunt and cold towards him. My dad and aunts’ are extremely mad at me. They think I should be nicer and show respect to him since he is older, they think, “He should be apart of his niece’s life.” My response is, “I know its your house, and you can invite whoever you want to, but I don’t want him apart of her life. I will leave anytime he is near or even plans to show up.”
They called me disrespectful and immature. Yes, they know about the violent attack. Yes, they know about the SA.
I understand that family is very important to them, especially since they immigrated to the USA during a genocide, they left behind family to survive. I’m sympathetic and understand why they don’t want to lose anymore family.
However, my daughter is the most important person to me, I will choose her safety and wellbeing over and over again.
I refuse to visit their place now, not for holidays, not for hangouts. They will and have always invited him to join, even after my expressed boundaries. If they want to see my daughter they can come visit me, I’ve told them so, my husband is okay with that. The only rule is that they do not tell him where I live or invite him over.
Well, low and behold, they invited him to MY house. I did not invite them in, I definitely didn’t invite my brother in. They once again call me the worst sister ever and a disrespectful brat. I slammed the door in their faces. I’ve been getting hundreds of texts and voicemails of how horrible I am being, they have even tried defending him. One voicemail was from my aunt: “He was just angry, he didn’t mean to hurt you.” Another: “You shouldn’t have been dressed so revealing.” (I was wearing a baggy oversized hoodie and boot flared jeans, not that how I dressed should even matter.)
Now I’m cutting them all off. My other siblings are torn, they agree with cutting off my brother, but they think I shouldn’t have cut off my dad or aunts. My husband is on my side, protect the baby at all cost.
I love my dad and aunts, the last thing I wanted to do was cut them off. Part of me wants to forgive them but the other doesn’t and knows they will continue to bring him around my child if I do. Dad and aunts say that anyone would agree that I need to forgive him.
AITAH?
Comments
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Original copy of post’s text by /u/Alarmed-Lab-9477: TW there will be slight mention of SA
I am a 23 yr. Old female and I have a 3 month old baby girl. Now my family has always been the “Family is important” family, saying things like “Do it for family” or “he’s family”.
I’ve finally decided to fully cut off my oldest brother. For years he has tortured me and the rest of my siblings as we grew up.
(TW SA, slight mention)
When I was 8 yr. Old – he was around 20 – he forced me to do very gross things I will not repeat here. He has also tried to choke out my youngest brother, who was around 12, making my him 27. (Also he was angry because a few hours ago our dad had gotten us McDonald’s, apparently my youngest brother took 1. He took only 1 of this grown man’s chicken nugget.) I had gotten in between them and ended up tossed across the room. His anger was now focused on me, he stormed over and grabbed my face.
(Now here’s where I can’t remember what happened but my other brothers, 4 including my youngest brother, have told me what happened.)
When he grabs my face he begins to smash the back of my head into the floor, very violently, the living room looked like a crime scene. I was taken to the hospital and rushed into surgery. I was told that I died on the table but was revived. While this was happening my dad refused to press charges, obviously they took him in anyways. It took me 3 years to relearn to walk and talk, now I have a permanent stutter, but my dad still keeps in contact with oldest brother. (Our mother was in the hospital at this time, has now passed by the present time.)
My brother was released a year ago on ‘good behavior’ and my siblings and I don’t want anything to do with him. My dad and aunts (dad’s sisters) still talk to him.
Now, we always had holidays and simple hangouts at my aunts’ (5 aunts, all live together in a really nice big house) and unfortunately they continue to invite my oldest brother. I don’t want him near my child. I’m very blunt and cold towards him. My dad and aunts’ are extremely mad at me. They think I should be nicer and show respect to him since he is older, they think, “He should be apart of his niece’s life.” My response is, “I know its your house, and you can invite whoever you want to, but I don’t want him apart of her life. I will leave anytime he is near or even plans to show up.”
They called me disrespectful and immature. Yes, they know about the violent attack. Yes, they know about the SA.
I understand that family is very important to them, especially since they immigrated to the USA during a genocide, they left behind family to survive. I’m sympathetic and understand why they don’t want to lose anymore family.
However, my daughter is the most important person to me, I will choose her safety and wellbeing over and over again.
I refuse to visit their place now, not for holidays, not for hangouts. They will and have always invited him to join, even after my expressed boundaries. If they want to see my daughter they can come visit me, I’ve told them so, my husband is okay with that. The only rule is that they do not tell him where I live or invite him over.
Well, low and behold, they invited him to MY house. I did not invite them in, I definitely didn’t invite my brother in. They once again call me the worst sister ever and a disrespectful brat. I slammed the door in their faces. I’ve been getting hundreds of texts and voicemails of how horrible I am being, they have even tried defending him. One voicemail was from my aunt: “He was just angry, he didn’t mean to hurt you.” Another: “You shouldn’t have been dressed so revealing.” (I was wearing a baggy oversized hoodie and boot flared jeans, not that how I dressed should even matter.)
Now I’m cutting them all off. My other siblings are torn, they agree with cutting off my brother, but they think I shouldn’t have cut off my dad or aunts. My husband is on my side, protect the baby at all cost.
I love my dad and aunts, the last thing I wanted to do was cut them off. Part of me wants to forgive them but the other doesn’t and knows they will continue to bring him around my child if I do. Dad and aunts say that anyone would agree that I need to forgive him.
AITAH?
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NTA WTF did I just read he SA you almost killed you over a chicken nugget and think you should forgive him and let him see your daughter F**K no, hold your boundries and cut off your dad and aunt
NTA NTA NTA!!! Your father and aunts are enabling an abuser, which is also abusive. Your brother molested and almost killed you and they want to pretend like that didn’t actually happen or wasn’t “as bad” as it was, or that he”s “changed” when everyone knows he hasn’t. Accepting an abuser may be part of the culture your family came from (that’s unfortunately rather common), but that doesn’t mean YOU need to accept it. Protect your child, protect yourself, do NOT let this horrible excuse of a man into your life, and do not let your family compromise your safety.
NTA. There comes a time when “family ” is so toxic that there is no other choice but to cut them out like the cancer they are. Do not let any of them near your child or yourself. Contact a lawyer and see if you can get a restraining order on them. Save the text and vm from them as evidence. Mute don’t block. Never allow them near you. That family bs is just that, bs. Make a family of choice.
I’d go scorched earth and refuse to speak to Antoine who voluntarily communicates with him. I’d print out a summary of what he did along with his picture and line the neighborhood so he can get hate everywhere he goes
Your dad and aunts do not respect your boundaries. Your brother sexually assaulted you and then nearly killed you and they all think this should be forgotten. They are enabling a predator and potential murderer. Go NC, you need to protect your daughter. NTA.
So your own father wants you to be nice to the guy who almost killed you. God he sounds like a horrible parent aswell as your aunts nta updateme
Your dad and aunts must be some of the most delulu people if they think most people think you should forgive him
NTA, as anyone else on Here has told you, your family is toxic.
I would immediately install cameras around the house, now your brother know your address.
You and your siblings just start your own holidays without him or your dad or anyone else that’s giving you attitude about this.
Family is the people who show up for you, who have your back.
This is not it.
You have a responsibility to your daughter to cut them all off. These people are not safe. They’re unhinged and it’s not normal. I think having lived in that environment, your perception is a bit screwed (which is normal, I’m not blaming you at all) but, again, this is not normal. And it’s a big deal. You’re not overreacting or overthinking. You did the right thing and you owe it to your baby (and husband atp) to cut these people off. They’re not your family, OP. Family doesn’t excuse heinous crimes. He went to jail. He SA’d you. He hurt you so bad you died once. You had to be revived. And yet you’re the bad guy for cutting him off? The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Your dad, aunt and brother? Cut from the same cloth. They don’t really care about you or your daughter. Don’t trust them, don’t let them guilt trip you. Trust your instinct and as a mother, protect your child. You got this OP.
Your father and aunts are no better than your eldest brother…every single one of them are pos! Only my opinion
NTA. Your brother did the most horrific things possible to you and almost killed you. He would be dead to me. The fact you even talk to the people who defend him and support him makes you a better person than me.
You do what you must to protect yourself and your family, and go no contact and block anyone who say you are wrong.
NTA
Dear god. Does your father hate you? How could a loving father side with his monster son?
Your aunts are not better.
Don’t go back to them do not let your daughter near him. And please for the love of God tell your daughter your brother is not trustworthy now in case he somehow worms his way near her later in life.
Don’t try and hide this from her.
Tell your dad and aunts that NO ONE will agree you need to forgive him. Zero people. They are the only ones protecting this POS abuser that SA’d an 8 year old (!) And nearly killed you. The fact that they continue to protect him at your expense and potentially your daughters expense shows you how horrible these people are. CPS should have been involved when you were a minor. Excise every one of them from your life.
Remind your stupid family members that he killed you. You were clinically dead and only here because of the hard work put in by the medical team.
NTA
NTA – Baby comes first.
UpdateMe!
Never ever ever forgive him! Some things are unforgivable.
Your dad and aunts are almost as bad as him. Blaming the victim, excusing the behaviour, and protecting the disgusting violent pe*o is truly vile. NTA. Cut them all off.
NTA
NTA
As said in other comments your family are enabling this toxic behaviour and preventing you from stepping out of these patterns, doctrines in which you were raised.
Seek counselling to create awareness in how many ways this influences your thinking and actions so you can change what you need to and break the circle. You are your daughter’s example – literally; till around 6/7 yrs children are just copying behaviour. It’s how our main programming is created which makes it so hard to override later in life.
You’re feelings are valid and you’re brave to stand up for you and your daughter. Enjoy your life with her and your husband.
Nta. You are a hero. Just go nc, so they don’t blow up your phone.
Listen to your husband. Protect your baby.
Do not worry about your family.
You are absolutely correct to protect your child. Your aunts are absolutely deluded.
As for your brother, one of these days he will attack someone else’s child, and there will be none of this ‘we have to protect family at all costs’ nonsense. Someone will kill him, probably the child’s father.
NTA
NC with your brother. Unless said contact is via police because he done fooked up again and you have to call them.
NC with your Aunt(s). She/they have no excuse for telling you to put up with his behavior.
LC with your father. He at least has the excuse of being in contact with his children when it comes to being in contact with both of you. He absolutely should _not_ be speaking in favor of your brother’s side if your description of the events is even remotely close to accurate.
NTA. And…if charges weren’t filed for the SA, you could have that done now. “Hey aunts and dad, why don’t we let the courts say if I should let things go” If in the US, you could also file civil suit against him. Or it’s just pain time to walk away from the family, keep your kid safe. Keep yourself and your family safe. I will never understand families like yours who push for things like this.
Your dad and aunts are putting u and your baby at risk. U might love them but it doesn’t make it right that they put u in danger. If they loved u they would protect u
NTA. However, you should never have given your address to anyone who still enables a monster. Your brother is reprehensible.
Protect yourself and daughter at all cost. Bravo to you for cutting them all off.
Update, please.
What did I even just read?! This grown man SA’d you repeatedly as a young child AND attempted to murder you (and almost succeeded) and you are expected to be around him in order to be part of the family that raised you?! Seriously, throw out the whole family!! If your siblings don’t understand how toxic that is, they need to go too.
It’s not even about protecting the baby, that goes without saying. But it’s about protecting YOU which they have shown they were never able or wanted to do.
NTA OP, cut them off and live your life with you husband and baby, the family who loves and cares about you.
Updateme
I would respond to each and every one of them (sorry this is very graphic but I would say this for shock value) ‘So he was just angry when he was raping me and forcing my 8 year old self to suck his dick? Or was it only when he tried to murder me and it took three years for me to learn to walk and talk again?’
ESH but not OP. OP and her husband aren’t the AHs here.
Eldest brother is a violent AH and the dad and aunts are massive idiots for enabling him.
Is he on parole or something since being released early? I would find it strange if he was allowed to come near his victem at all. Speak to the police and discuss protection orders and see if you can one. Get him arrested for trespassing if he ever shows up at your home again. Get cameras everywhere for protection. Keep him away permanently
I would call his parole officer and inform them that he showed up at you (the victim’s) home and you don’t feel safe