Me (26F) and my mom have always been super close. Our relationship has been rocky since she got with her now husband 5 years ago. Basically they met while I was in school and from the moment I came home to visit he didn’t like me. He also quit his job within a month of getting with my mom. He was trying to get disability for 4 years and failed (rightfully). So my mom has been supporting him their whole relationship. She bought the house they are in as well. His hatred has grown for me over the years and he is always trying to cause problems in our family. He will message my sister disgusting lies about me and my mom, post about me on social media, had his daughter threaten to beat me up. Just a very immature 50 something year old man. He recently has been getting more unhinged and had an outburst inside of a children’s play canter because I bought my mom a Starbucks coffee. He cussed us out and said my mom was holding him hostage because she wouldn’t let him take her car and leave. Financially my mom is struggling more than ever. Me and my partner have been letting her borrow money all summer. She’s short for pretty much all her bills. She’d rather keep taking money from us then make her husband get a job. It’s very frustrating watching her struggle for years when she has a good job and should be financially stable. I’m tired of her stresses that’s she chooses being my stress. She is letting the man take all of her money and treat us all like crap for 5 years. I’m not giving her an ultimatum or anything but would I be the ass if I just gave up on her until she chooses to want better for herself?
AITAH for cutting off my mom until she divorces her husband?
r/AITAH
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Nah, not the AH. It’s super rough having to constantly bail out someone who’s not even trying to help themselves. Plus, dude sounds toxic AF. Gotta remember, you can’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. 🤷♀️ Their mess don’t gotta be your mess. Take care of you, OP.✌️💯
You’re not an asshole for protecting your peace when your mom refuses to protect herself.
NTA.
Your mom’s husband sounds like a total AH. Have you sat down and explained to your mom like how much stress it’s putting on you, and how she’s enabling him at the cost of her own stability and relationships? Sometimes, unfortunately, cutting someone off from a lifeline is the only way they wake up and realize how bad things really are. It’s not about being cruel, it’s about setting boundaries and protecting your own mental health. You’ve done more than enough. If she chooses him over your well-being and hers, that’s on her.
Wanting peace for your mom isn’t betrayal. It’s love. Sometimes we see the cage clearer when we’re not the one inside it.
NTA. she’s choosing a toxic guy over her own well-being, walking away is fair.
NTA. Your giving your mother money enables her to support this deadbeat. She doesn’t need your money for herself, and you shouldn’t give it to her when it just allows her to keep him. Not only refuse to meet him anywhere, you should cut off the financial support.
NTA. You are supporting him too by giving your mom money. You are not telling your mom what to do, you are simply choosing to go NC while she is married to a man who is cruel to you and is using your mom.
You aren’t required to stand there and watch the train wreck.
Your mom is choosing a deadbeat drama king who cusses at you in public and drains her bank account, and you’re supposed to keep smiling and funding her delusion? Nah. That’s not family, thats emotional blackmail with a side of broke. NTA, honestly letting her sink might be the only way she learns to swim.
NTA, dude. Tough love is sometimes the only wake-up call some peeps really need. She’s got a leech, not a husband, and it’s unfair to u to bear the burden. Keep giving her money and you’re just feeding into the cycle. Sounds like you’ve gotta step back for your own sanity, man. Good luck!
NTA, dude, u gotta look after urself 1st. Legit, her relationship ain’t the healthiest, but she’s gotta make those big decisions on her own. Doesn’t mean u shouldn’t heal and set boundaries. U gotta do u, bro. Just remember, express ur concerns, but don’t let that situation bog u down or mess with ur peace, ya feel? 🤷♀️🙏 Stay strong!
Think of it this way: You’re not cutting your mother off. You’re cutting her parasite (husband) off.
I hate to say this but you are right. It’s not wrong if you
NTA stop giving her the money she is asking for, but if you can put it aside for a little while I recommend doing that. Because if you won’t help hopefully the worsening of her situation will snap her out of the mess she is in and when that happens if you can give her the money.
NTA
You don’t have to give her an ultimatum. Just tell her she has invited a very negative toxic presence into all of your lives and while it is her choice to have him, it is not a choice you are making for yourself. Then wish her well and tell her you’ll be there when she’s ready to get out. Then distance yourself, and ffs stop sending money to help support this man.
Nta
If she choose to let this man ruin the family she has to live with the consequences. You stick with that bullshit long enough. If she doesn’t want your help you can’t force her.
I wouldn’t cut your mom off entirely, but I’d be cutting her off financially. I would suggest you tell her you can’t financially support her anymore.
If she asks why, tell her that with the money she makes, she could easily support herself in her own. She has a perfectly capable husband at home who can work, and that you refuse to support him – he’s not your dependent. Tell her his kids can support him if he wants to be supported, but you’re done. You could add up what you’ve given her and total it, if you think it might help open her eyes to how much she’s draining you. But that might come off as petty and shaming.
I would recommend you tell her you love her and want to support her emotionally, just not financially. Because it sounds like she might need emotional support.
NTA – cutting her off financially is more than reasonable in this situation.
Your mom is in an abusive relationship. One of the goals of the abuse is to isolate her further. Another goal of the abuse is to beat you into submission.
For your mom’s sake, please keep a record of the abuse you see. Offer to attend relationship counseling for the two of you. Choose a counselor with experience in identifying and working with victims of domestic violence and abuse.
Best wishes to you both. It often becomes harder before it gets better. I’m sending hopes for safety and peace to you both.
Nta. How can your mother be with someone let alone marry a man who treats her daughter like this? A mother should never put her kids in these situations willingly.
Updateme
Cutting off communication, or financially? I’d definitely do the latter, I don’t think I’d go NC with her.
I would have a chat with mom. Try to non-emotionally explain your concerns. (IF you have already done this, just say, “you know my concerns about Larry contributing to your household”) Explain that you have been looking at your budget and you can helpful to mom for the next two months in the TOTAL AMOUNT of ($ an amount that works for you, should be more than you provide in 1 month but LESS than what you give in 2 months). After that, you will be unable to úyy to contribute to her financially. If she accepts that, wonderful. If she argues say that it isn’t up for debate. If she continues to call, ask, harass, etc tell her you don’t want to cut her off completely from being in your life, but you will If she continues to bring it up. This gives her and her hubby time to make a plan, which hopefully includes him getting a job. NTA
ESH – why on earth are you bailing out your mother and taking this on. she has to take action herself and you have to say “mom I love you very much but I can not keep on supporting you”
you and your husband need to sort it out, you work, he doesn’t get disability as he doesn’t qualify so he needs to find something to help out.
sometimes when we love someone we have to let them stand on their own 2 feet, offer instead of money to fund a financial adviser or go to the bank with her to help sort out what is going on.
You should cut ties but even consider not only until she divorces him.
She is actively choosing a man who is hurting her children and on top of it, she’s allowing the situation with him to get so out of control, that she has to financially abuse you as well.
I would never be with anyone who treats my children like utter crap. My husband is the father to my two youngest but adopted by oldest, a teenager. Naturally teenagers can get on one’s nerves but as soon as I feel like he is too much on our son’s case, we will have a problem. I would have never married him if they couldn’t get along, no matter who’s fault that would be. Now if they were an adult not living at home anymore, of course, it would be a little different but if it would affect my relationship with any of my kids, I’m out.
I’m not saying her level of dedication to her kids has to match that, but she could at least let her business be her’s and not expect you to burn yourself on her dumpster fire.