I’m 29 and have been with my girlfriend for just under four years. My girlfriend is 26. When we got together neither of us were certain on if we wanted children so we agreed to just discuss it further down the line when we were more sure of what we wanted.
I’ve recently come to the realisation that I don’t want kids. I enjoy my free time and enjoy going on holidays I want to go on without factoring in activities for children etc among other reasons such as finances.
I sat my girlfriend down and explained this to her. She got annoyed and said she thought we could stary trying for a baby in the next couple of years. I asked why she hasn’t actually mentioned this to me since we agreed to talk about things when we were more sure.
She just accused me of stringing her along but I pointed out I’ve discussed it with her when I knew whereas she didn’t actually tell me what she was thinking. She just said I clearly wasn’t serous about her and didn’t love her enough but I just pointed out that has nothing to do with it.
AITA for deciding I don’t want children?
Comments
NTA, that’s your choice, and she didn’t really say anything ahead of time to alert you
NAH. Break up. You’re not compatible anymore.
She still has time to find someone else. Better for her to know now than wait to her 30s
NTA
Sounds like you told her as soon as you knew. If you have always known and let her believe it was a possibility then you would be the A
NTA for making that decision. Unfortunately this will probably lead to the end of the relationship.
What’s sad is maintaining a long term committed relationship without discussing deal-breaker things properly. It’s a shame to not have gotten a sense of her desires earlier. She probably just forgot about the initial agreement and assumed you’d agree for kids. Ouch.
NTA. She probably assumed you were thinking along the same lines as her so didn’t bring it up from her side.
You are going to have to break up though.
Just break up jeez
NAH
Yeah she should have started a conversation, but regardless you’re here now. And apparently you’re incompatible.
NTA
NTA for not being sure until now as you didn’t mislead her. But it’s the end of your relationship. Hopefully she will eventually cool off and you can be friends.
It is unfortunately that neither of you communicated, you both decided to continue dating with a major relationship point being punted to some vague point in the future and apparently haven’t been communicating this entire 4 years about this decision point. ESH
Your life your choice….
NAH you should end this relationship now, you are no longer on the same path through life and you will end up hating each other.
No because the desire to be a father is an important part of the job. So you might not be father material. But if she really wants kids, this is a deal breaker. The sooner the better. She has to find someone on the same page as her. It’s not you. Neither right nor wrong. It’s a preference.
Get a vasectomy to prove your point and let the chips fall where they may.
I think she wanted to baby trap you in a few years that is why she never discussed it with you
NTA but will be if you don’t break up immediately.
YTA you wasted her time
You better start hiding your condoms, so she doesn’t poke holes in them and double wrap when you do have sex. Get that vasectomy scheduled soon too.
Good thing she has enough time to find someone to have children with because you sure did waste her time.
NTA
NTA, the choice of having kids also includes you’re own opinion in it, so you both should respect each other’s choices, and ur right, ur NTA for not wanting children
NTA but you do not share common goals do time for relationship to end so she can find someone to make her happy and you can find someone that will make you happy.
NTA. It doesn’t sound like you hid anything from her. You’ve decided you don’t want kids. You’re only 29. She’s only 26. She has plenty of time to find someone who does want kids, since it sounds like she has decided she does want them.
It’s great that you have both realized what you wanted so you can pursue partners who are suited to your goals.
NAH. You need to end the relationship because you’re not on the same path, and going forward, you need to be up front with women that you’re dating that you’re looking for a childfree-by-choice relationship, now that you’ve figured this out about yourself.
NAH. Conflict isn’t always a bad thing. Here it is a sign of misaligned expectations surfacing and resolving. Even if the resolution isn’t desirable.
You’re on different paths. Continuing together now would be nursing false hope on one or both sides.
NTA You unfortunately need to break up as you’re not compatible anymore. Nothing wrong with not wanting kids.
You told your girlfriend once you were sure of your stance, and she really should have had that same conversation with you instead of assuming.
Move on, give her the opportunity to find someone who will share her desires.
Nta
NTA, but if she wants kids, let her go. And get a vasectomy.
Nta, be careful to not get her pregnant on accident
NTA. Idk why she’s talking about trying for a kid when you guys haven’t even gotten engaged yet lol.
NTA – Guess it’s time to move on, and you might be careful from now on when being intimate, not accusing her of anything but you never know.
Of course not! NTA
NTA for not wanting children, definitely TA if you decide to keep dating her.
She’s young and I hope she finds her person. I wish I could talk to her about this. I feel it has been a learning experience and I hope she takes those lessons and doesn’t make the same mistakes again. First lesson is if a man hasn’t proposed after 2 years, take a long look at the relationship. Secondly, don’t think about starting a family with someone who hasn’t proposed. He’s waiting for someone else and it isn’t you. Her person is out there, but you won’t find him when you’re wasting time with the wrong person.
Not having kids is the right call. FIRE.
NTA but let her go, not fair to her
NTA but it’s over.
NAH it’s possible she only just came to the decision about kids herself so don’t assume she has been sitting on this information. It happens a lot when woman get older and are on the fence to start thinking about it more seriously as they have a time limit. If you truly don’t want children then break up with her and get a vasectomy. She deserves to find someone who also wants them and for needs to start trying to find that person sooner rather than later. You also deserve to find a partner who has the same life goals as you. You two have just become incompatible. Doesn’t mean the relationship was bad or failed or that you don’t love each other. Don’t stick around trying to make something work that inherently won’t. One of you will cave to the others wants and then become resentful. Better to end the relationship with love before any resentment destroys those feelings. Best of luck. Go get that vasectomy.
NTA for wanting, or not wanting anything. But you both want different things now. Time to end the relationship because being a mother seems very important to her.
NAH, just a really unfortunate situation where you both happened to develop an incompatibility. I was gonna say “this is why people should talk about these things in a relationship!” But, you already did 😣. You guys did the best you could in planning long term really. You couldn’t have known you’d want different things.
NTA. You told her when you figured it out.
For context, I’m turning 50 this year, never wanted kids and it’s awesome. 😎
I’m a 58-year-old female and an only child. I told my parents at age 18 that I wanted no children. They were supportive but assumed I would change my mind. I never did and was never criticized. I guess I was lucky. Good luck to you, but be careful. If you can’t agree on this, move on now. Don’t waste her time or yours.
Whatever. NAH.
Just accept that you two are incompatible and break up . You’ll be able to let the next GF know right away where you stand.
Oh, and schedule that vasectomy.
NTA, but break up immediately. Don’t waste each other’s time any longer.
NTA. i understand being unsure a lot changes over the years! is she willing to give up the idea of having children to be with you? i think that answer will let you know if the relationship can survive
Absolutely NTA.
NAH
You clearly don’t have aligned future goals and are clearly incompatible.
Believe me, I’m not advocating for anyone that doesn’t want children to have them, I’m just curious who will be supporting Generation Z (through Social Security, etc.) and looking after this generation of people, (ie people who work in nursing homes, assisted living, etc.) if many people in Gen Z don’t want kids…
NTA. If anything, she strung you along. End things before she suddenly finds herself pregnant.
Sounds like your partner was intentionally going to try and “Convince you” to want children, and decided to get mad and gaslight you because you ruined her plans to try and change you.
NTA.
Children is a huge make or break decision in a relationship. There’s literally nothing wrong with not wanting any, just like how there’s nothing wrong with people who do.
Trying to force someone who doesn’t want kids into being a parent though? That’s a huge problem.
OP, your relationship is over. It’s not your fault, but it sounds like your GF is being horrible about it. She’d rather try to emotionally abuse you then be mature and admit the relationship ran it’s course.
If anything, she’s shown you exactly why you SHOULDN’T have kids with her.
NAH You are not compatible. You need to break up.
Schedule your vasectomy and get on with your life.
Get a reversible vasectomy but don’t tell her. She is going to try to trap you.
Nta for not wanting kids. I think you should be able to understand why this hurts her though. She’s in love with someone who revealed an apparent dealbreaker to her. Maybe hearing you say you didn’t want kids was the final piece to realize she does want kids. She’s hurting for sure. I would be heartbroken in this situation, even if I wasn’t sure yet if I wanted children.
Well, it’s over.
NTA…. Move on.
Just break up cuz ur not compatible anymore. Children isn’t something anyone can compromise on
“I dont think our relationship can continue. We clearly want different things in life. I wish you the best in finding someone who is interested in the same lifestyle and goals as you are. I do not make this decision lightly because I do love you, I simply do not have the same desires in life as you do. Thank you for all of the wonderful memories we have built together.”
NTA. You need to break it off. This is something none of you should compromise on.
I went through this with my partner of over 15 years. It’s rough but this has to be done.
NTA having kids is a big commitment. If you don’t want kids, it’s best to break up with her so she can find someone who does.
NTA.
It seems very weird she chose to not come to you when she felt those feelings yet chose to be upset for you coming to your realization.
The fact that she immediately said you were stringing her along is a red flag..
Might be time to pack it in if she truly doesn’t respect your stances on the matter
This isn’t an AH decision.
But, now that you know she does want kids and you don’t, you will be the AH if you don’t break up.
no she’s young enough to find someone else: let her go
Nope, you are NTA. I get that people change their desire for kids, but if you didn’t change nor lead her on that you may want one you are in no way wrong. Wrap it up Dude or you going to get one anyway
Now that you know break up ,because you are no longer compatible. Is a vasectomy an option?
NTA. I’m actually really happy that you went to her and was honest. You’re just not compatible. And I agree with you that she should have let you know sooner. She probably just assumed you did want kids. Regardless, I don’t think you did anything wrong. In fact, I think you did something very right, which a lot of people don’t do – level with their partner about where they’re at how about a big life decision.
NAH. You don’t belong together. My husband was rejected a few times for the identical reason, and now we enjoy our quiet, clean house, our hobbies, and travel.
NAH. She is slightly TA for not talking with you about wanting children when she made her decision. Was she going to discuss trying for a baby, or just stop using birth control and have an ‘accidental’ pregnancy? You did not string her along because there was no set date for your discussion and it sounds like you were open and honest when you made your decision.
Sigh. That was as passive aggressive as you can get. I would be really careful having sex going forward. I know I don’t know her but oopsies happen and the weirdest moments. Like just after you say you don’t want kids.
You aren’t an Ah you told her the mini you came to the realization. She on the other hand sounds like she needs to grow up a bit.
Of course not. Having children is a big deal. If you don’t want any then you shouldn’t have any.
NTA It’s clear that you know what you know what fits your lifestyle at the moment and finances. There’s nothing wrong with that. If she felt this way she should have spoke up sooner. That’s not your fault. Time to move on. If you find yourself in a more financially secure position to have children in the future good for you. You’re just being realistic. Kiddos are great.
NTA but do right by her and let her go since both of you want different things. She deserves to have a family of her own, so break up with her. Even if she “changes” her mind about not wanting to have kids and staying with you. Let. Her. Go.
NTA but it’s time to move on. This is a fundamental incompatibility.
NTA
I consider her TA because she apparently changed her mind, didn’t bother to tell you, and got mad at you for not magically reading her mind. That’s not acceptable behavior.
NTA. You were serious about her. Just her. And you told her as soon as you knew that. That isn’t deceptive or “stringing her along” at all.
It’s not only clear you want different things but also that she’s on the manipulative side here. And manipulative people very well
Might baby trap their partners. Just something to guard against.
NTA. Unfortunately, she’s hurt by your choice and taking it personal.
NTA it’s not a good idea to get stuck with kids if you don’t want them
NTA
Welcome to the childfree club, OP. Your relationship is over, which will suck in the short term, but it’ll pay off over time.
Until you break up, don’t have any more sex with her, and look into getting a vasectomy.
Here’s a handy list of doctors who can help with that.
NTA. You aren’t a match-do her a favor and break up so she can find somebody who wants kids, and you can find somebody who doesn’t.
Looks as if the two of you are INCOMPATIBLE
Men marrying women who then lovingly Team-Work through raising healthy babies into happy healthy adults can be so healthy happy useful good
Yet folks who are unable or unwilling to have and raise kids can be healthy happy useful good
But you probably need to quickly painlessly let her move away from you and into relationship with a man she can marry and raise kids with
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NTA. Better telling her now than forcing yourself into something you don’t want.
NTA!!!! This is a compatibility issue and she is totally unreasonable. I think people confuse actual love with infatuation. You DON’T fall out of love. You fall out of infatuation. And true love BUILDS on a foundation of compatibility. ONLY relationships based on compatibility last. Kids are a huge (if not the biggest) part of compatibility. Run!
NTA, if anything she was stringing you along for not discussing it with you as soon as she knew wtf gurl this misery is of your own creation
Wait. Four years together, no marriage obviously for you two. And she expects a commitment from you. Much less having children with you? I highly doubt this story is how she heard it. And a persons perspective is their reality. It’s their truth. And that’s hers.
I was 30 when I had mine. But we weren’t thinking of kids till then.
NTA. This might be the one thing where a compromise shouldn’t happen. Your GF shouldn’t be pressuring you to change your mind and you shouldn’t be doing the same for her. That’s how 1 parent ends up resenting the kid their whole life and ends up treating them like crap. You were right to discuss the topic when you knew you didn’t want kids. If she knew she wanted kids 1 or 2 years ago she should have brought that up with you then. Couples should always always agree about having or not having children. The 2 of you might not be compatible.
NTA—let’s be brutally honest, kids aren’t all great. They’re a lot of work. If you don’t find joy in the idea of raising a kid and teaching them, then you’re are 100% in the right to say no.
Personally I don’t like the gremlins. I know I’d be a horrible parent bc my heart isn’t in it, so why the hell would I make myself miserable and make a kid miserable? The kid would know I don’t really like them. The most unselfish thing you can do is admit you aren’t ready/dont want to be a parent. You’re choosing not to bring a kid into the world to be a half assed parent or worse
NTA, the people blaming you for not communicating when you were the only one that was upfront when you figured it out is wild. She wasted her own time and yours. Clearly yall aren’t compatible anymore, but its good you found out now. Better would have been when she figured it out, but atleast it was before a surprise baby.
NTA but your ex is. And an emotionally manipulative one at that. She knew full well what she wanted. Whether she knew from the start or realized it later does not change the fact that she assumed you would just do whatever she wanted.
My condolences for the inevitable end of your current relationship. That’s not healthy partner behavior. Plus, this is not a subject that has a compromise. That’s a massive incompatibility.
Having or not having kids is probably the only real relationship deal breaker.
You can work though a lot of stuff and difference of opinions as long we both partners are respectful and compromise.
But you can’t compromise on kids. One person is not going to be happy and will eventually resent their partner who got the life they wanted.
Break up.
OP you had better start using condoms you’ve got under tight control or not have sex. She now has motive to baby trap you into this.
NTA
You’re incompatible is all. It sucks. But it happens.
You now know she wants kids. You know you don’t. If you stay with her, then you are stringing her along (because you know what she wants) and that would be an AH move.
But right now? NTA.
NTA she wants kids one day now you know that you need to break up now or you will be stringing her along if you stay together hoping she will change
The issue I have with this post and alot of others is there is normally that one specific detail that makes the OP in the right but without that one detail they would absolutely be the AH.
Are you sure she absolutely has not brought this up in the 4 years you have been together? Would she agree with you that she has not talked about it?
When the original conversation started were you the first to say you weren’t sure about kids and she followed your lead or the opposite?
Either way you can not stay together because she will resent you. She already does. Based off of your post I smell missing details. She said you were stringing her along…? Clearly she had an idea for your life together and kids were apart of it.
If you were at all aware of her desires then you are an absolute AH.
Nothing wrong with not wanting kids. I would implore you to get a vasectomy otherwise you will end up “accidentally” getting someone pregnant.
It’s unfortunate that it sounds like you two discussed whether you wanted kids 4 years ago when you first got together…and then didn’t revisit the question…for 4 years..?
It was on both of you to check in with each other about how you were feeling over the years about big relationship questions–neither of you did 🤷🏽
YTA if you stay dating her and aren’t broken up already.
NTA if you sat her down, told her that, she had that reaction, you broke it off with her.
NTA. You’re no longer compatible so it’s time to let her go. You can both find more compatible partners now.
NAH.
Your girlfriend tho is only 26. She has a lot of time.
Now you WOULD be an asshole if you broke up over this issue and started a family a little bit later with another woman.
NAH, dont have sex again, get a vasectomy and figure out how to break up as cleanly as possible
NTA and your relationship is done. Kids are a two enthusiastic yes deal- otherwise, resentment and potential abandonment. You know what you want now, you made it known as soon as you knew. She kept quiet- how is that your fault? She just wants it to be on you but if you two break up now she has a nice long window to find a partner who wants what she wants. She wants you and kids and you’ve made it clear that’s not happening. So make a clean break now and do not risk being ‘oopsie baby’ trapped.
NTA.
But like other commenters mentioned, ensure you are in charge of birth control and look into getting a vasectomy. If she wants a baby with you, she might mess with the birth control to get pregnant. That way, she gets the baby she wants and thinks she had you tied to her in a relationship forever. In case that happens, relationship you don’t have to SIL be together to co-parent.
Not the Asshole. Not yet anyway. She wants kids and you want to live the free life of travel and having lots of free time and extra cash.
You two should part ways. You owe it to her to let her go find someone who has the same hopes dreams and life goals as she does.
Raising kids takes sacrifice and would mean putting your wife and children first and yourself last. IDK you but free time and travel are the oposite of that.
Be a man. Let her go.
NTA, but neither is she. When you got together, neither of you were sure. Now you’re sure, and you want different things.
Neither of you are bad or wrong, but the relationship has run its course. Break up NOW, so she has time to find someone else and have the kids she wants. Please don’t allow her to spend any more time with someone who doesn’t want the same things she wants.
It’s natural that she’s sad about this, and is probably angry and lashing out at you. You didn’t do anything wrong, but she’s going to feel differently, just because she’s so hurt. She saw a future with you, saw you as the father of her children. You took a lot of away from her when you set the record straight – that whole future she built up with you in her brain. That’s devastating, and it’s going to be hard on her. So give her some grace, try to understand how bad she’s hurting. Be kind and let her go. Be gentle when you do it.