I need some advice on this situation from an unbiased source. Me (23 female) and my fiancé (27 Male) are getting married in December. We got engaged in April and I pretty much did all the planning myself (with the help of my mom) in the first few weeks. From the very beginning my fiancé and I had a plan laid out for the bridal party. That was one of the first things decided since before I had the ring on my finger. Including flower girls and ring bearers. We decided that the flower girl would be my sister (who’s also my Matron of Honor)’s baby who will be pushed in a stroller down the aisle by my 10F cousin who would be considered a junior bridesmaid. For the ring bearers my fiancé really wanted to include his best friend’s son. For context his friend has not had custody of his child for most of his life (long story) and it could be a little difficult to arrange his attendance. (He will be around a year and a half at the time of the wedding) As a result we decided that we would also have my two cousins (5 male and 7 male -the brothers of the junior bridesmaid) be ring bearers as well. This way it’s no pressure on the friend and everything will go smoothly weather his child can come or not. The older boys will help the younger boy walk down the aisle holding his hands. We decided on these specific children because they are closely related / close to us and are the right age. Shortly after the engagement, I asked my sister and my cousin (the moms of the children) if their kids could be in the wedding and gave details of what they should wear etc. The kids and parents both were so excited.
This was great and everything was going according to plan until a few weeks ago when my mother in law asked us if we would consider adding another flower girl. For context, my fiancé’s brother/ best man (24 male) lives across the country from us and has recently told us (around 4 months ago) that he has a new girlfriend (21 Female). This girlfriend has a child from a previous relationship (female 10 months). They have now known eachother about 7 or 8 months. He is very serious about her and we are very happy for them. He has taken a sort of father role in her daughter’s life which is adorable. He is expressing interest in marrying her in the future but they are taking it slow. My fiancé and I have never met this girlfriend or her child, But we are thrilled for his brother so we of course invited them both to the wedding.
Now this is where things get a little messy. I have always gotten along great with my fiancés family. They have always been so sweet, kind, accepting, and well meaning. They welcome new comers with open arms (including me) and have really become my family. I especially had a great relationship with my mother in law. She is the sweetest lady and would do anything for me and any one of her children. She lives very close to us and my family lives far. She was always the first to say that it’s OUR wedding (meaning mine and my fiancé) to encourage me to make my own decisions in wedding planning and not let my mother sway them. She has become like a mother to me in so many ways.
With that being said they are also very loving and accepting of my fiancés brother’s girlfriend (and her baby) from a far. Which is great. I’m so glad that they are so supportive. They even started calling her baby their first grandchild and flew across the country to meet them.
With this context in mind, a couple weeks ago when my Mother In Law and I were hanging out (just the two of us), she asked me if I would consider adding the girlfriend’s baby as a flower girl. She said fiancé’s brother keeps bringing it up and that it would be really cute. I politely told her that we already had a flower girl (my niece) and a junior bridesmaid assigned to push her in a carriage. She responded by saying essentially “what’s one more? She will probably be able to walk by herself down the aisle by then (14-15 months)” I kind of just said I would think about it with my fiancé and changed the subject.
Later on I told my fiancé about it and we both agreed that it wasn’t a good idea because 1. We already had the role filled and it would be sort of awkward to have a baby randomly walking next to the stroller with the other baby. 2. If she needed help walking it wouldn’t be easy for the 10 year old to juggle two kids down an isle. 3. We have never met her and she might not be comfortable walking down the aisle of a wedding where she knows nobody. And 4. They aren’t married and worst case scenario if they break up she’s in all the pictures.
I know that sounds harsh but I come from a family where traditionally if you’re not engaged you don’t get a plus one no matter who you are. I am not following this rule and everyone’s significant other is invited (but that doesn’t mean they get to be in the wedding)
My fiancé and I were on the same page about this. We agreed to keep the bridal party the way it was. He talked to his brother and essentially told him it was a no and everything was fine and everyone was on the same page until the other night.
We were at Mother In Law’s house again but this time my fiancé was there too. Once again MIL brings up the flower girl thing and my fiancé tells her that we already have the position filled and that’s that. But then my MIL tells my fiancé how much it must mean to his brother since he keeps bringing it up. This brings out the empath in my fiancé and he starts to have an open mind about it…. Meanwhile I’m still against it. And I start to say so with some of the reasons I listed above. My MIL points out that all of the children in the wedding are from my side except one and that their side doesn’t have any representation. (Meanwhile this is because there are no children on his side) She also points out that there are three little boys in the wedding and why can’t there be three little girls. At this point she’s convinced my fiancé and I’m an island. I’m still defending my position alone. She wasn’t being rude or anything but every reason I have she seem to have a rebuttal. She’s saying things like “they will get married one day anyways” and “she’s already part of the family” Then I start saying “we will think about it”. And she is like “sooo that sounds like a no” and I was like “we will consider it”. She then It was awkward and I was about to like cry so I changed the subject. The whole time I felt like I looked like a major asshole. It was really bad.
My fiancé since apologized to me for being open to the idea in front of his mother when we had decided against it. From what he believed about his mother he figured that she would just have an open conversation with us and not try to push her way. I figured it would not go that way. Later that night he called his brother and told him it was for sure no and we had already asked other people. His brother was sad but understood. I felt really bad and guilty for making my fiancé feel bad. (in hindsight I really should not have because of what followed afterwards) this is where my previous post left off. A lot has happened in the last few days.
I was worried immediately after that conversation that his mother would tell his brother that my fiancé was for it and I was against it while we were at her place. My fiancé said that he knows his mother well and that she wouldn’t do that.
That next morning his brother calls him wanting to talk. The first words out of his mouth are “after our conversation last night I talked to mom and she said that you were wanting to have her as the flower girl and your fiancé (ME) wasn’t” just as I thought would happen….
And he goes on to say “as your brother I want to make sure that you get what you want since it’s your wedding” I was pissed. My fiancé told him that we would still talk about it but that we had already agreed not to have her as the flower girl -and that he should not have seemed so open to it last night. That whole day we discussed it. I felt like an asshole and was tempted to cave to keep the peace, but the ONLY reason my fiancé was wanting it was because it meant a lot to his brother. But the conclusion we came to was that it’s NOT HIS BROTHERS WEDDING. So we called him up a few hours later and told him no for the THIRD TIME. He was upset but at least it was over… or so we thought.
He texted him the next morning AGAIN expressing how hurt he was by it but at that point we were like “the decision is made. It’s our wedding please Get over it” and then My fiancé’s brother enlisted their mother…
She calls my fiancé and basically attacks him for almost an hour on the phone. My fiancé did a great job of sticking up for us and sticking to his guns. His mom went as far as to say that my relationships with his whole family will forever be affected by this decision. That one hurt. And that my fiancé’s relationship with his brother will forever be altered.
At this point this is all going way too far. We ended up talking to my fiancé’s sister and found out that his brother no longer wants to be best man anymore and that neither of them want to speak to us for a while. They said that this won’t be resolved UNTIL WE GIVE IN. I’m at a loss for words. This doesn’t even feel like a real situation to be honest. I feel like I’m in the twilight zone. We are definitely not going to give in. At this point all that it would tell them is that if they push hard enough they can manipulate us. It just really hurts because we had such a great relationship before this. Am I the asshole for saying no to their request?
(TL;DR)
My fiancé’s brother (and mother) are trying to manipulate and force us to have brother in law’s girlfriend’s daughter as a flower girl. Brother in law is not the biological father of this child and we have never met this child or her mother. They have also only been together for 8 months. We have said no repeatedly and they are personally offended and now won’t talk to us.
Comments
tl;dr. Can you just post what they requested without all the extraneous drama?
NTA – But welcome to your life. Your fiancé did this by acting wishy-washy. You may want to think about whether he’s done this before, ’cause he may just do this in your future too.
NTA – its your wedding and your choice
With that said – i am curious if your fiance really doesnt want this or is just giving in to you? You did say you had this all planned before the ring… so I wonder what input he had…
And you have 5? (i lost count) kids in the wedding. No one will care if a 3rd spends 60 seconds walking down the aisle.
But hey, all you and your fiance’s choice.
Paragraphs or I don’t read
YTA for the novel. When you finally learned what a new paragraph was, I’d already given up
NTA, simple solution is to elope and tell none of them for as long as you can get away with it. You will not have played favorites that way and you will have not given in to the manipulation that is being applied. Things were fine until MIL didn’t get what she wanted . . . . Isn’t that curious? Time for MIL to be out on an info diet. Time to make note of all who jump to do as she commands. Time for some distance.
I think you should tell your MIL her son can have whatever flower girl at his wedding when or if he chooses to marry his current gf….. you are not having his gf’s child as a flower girl because you do not know them at all… what is it that she does not understand? You want people who are close to you in your bridal party and you don’t want to discuss this further your decision is made.
It’s your wedding but it’s a ton of drama when all you needed to do was convert the stroller to a decorated wagon with two seats for the 10 year old to pull both toddlers down the aisle. Don’t think your family needed any more explanation than the kid was related to hubby’s side of the family. It’s not that complicated and the flower kids are in like 2 pictures anyway. A lot of ill will created for a minor moment in a wedding procession. And if for some reason brother broke up with the girl before the wedding then no big change to your wedding plans. But – again – your wedding so you get to decide what’s worth it.
Remove them all and just elope.
NTA. You’ve never met the kid (or the mom by the sound of it) and already had the wedding party sorted out. It sounds like MIL is having baby fever so is bending over backwards for BIL, who is in turn desperate to show this chick that his family would accept her daughter. Be glad BIL stepped down, I wouldn’t put it past him to propose during his best man’s speech.
Do you have contact info for the girlfriend? You haven’t mentioned her anywhere in your post so I wonder how she feels about this.
NTA but I lost count of all the babies/children in your wedding. It’s already chaos, why not throw in one more
Wow. Now you know his family are jerks. So, they’re not worried this will forever change the relationship with your fiancé? Go no contact for a bit and catch your breath. But, I wonder why a child that is still in a stroller is part of the wedding party. Why not just your you niece?
When you’re planning a wedding, every detail feels so important & special. And absolutely, you have the right to agree or deny details that don’t align with your vision. The main challenge you will have, is the intention behind your MIL request, and how this changes your dynamic with her. Sounds like she has generally been a very kind and inclusive person to you & others, and her request aligns with that.
If you said yes, for that 30 seconds of walking down the aisle, you have another child in the wedding procession. Ultimately not a biggie in the grand scheme of things. No one would really have minded or noticed one way or another, it wouldn’t be what people focused on from your wedding. A minor detail.
BUT it would have meant a great deal to your MIL and BIL.
Now you have said no. That decision will have zero impact on your wedding ceremony.
However a wedding isn’t just about that day. Its about the marriage, the long term relationship with your husband and his family. This will have an impact on your decision with them. So factor that in. What harm could it cause to say yes vs no.
Is their a shorter version of this essay, preferably with proper paragraphs. Dear god that is a wall of text.
Good God, I cannot believe some of the ridiculous responses you are getting. It is absolutely absurd that your fiance’s brother and mother are trying to force you to have an infant involved in your wedding, that you don’t know and isn’t even related to anyone! It is absolutely absurd!
I have no idea. I fell asleep. TLDR.
This is why I’m never surprised when people decided to elope
We need a summary and PARAGRAPHS 🙏🙏🙏
F-me… those are some brick walls of text.
Can you summarise it? Cut it down a little? Break it up?
Something about a bunch of 10mth old babies being pushed in prams as flower kids…? You lost me.
If you have (if I counted right) four or six ring bearers and flower girls… what is one more here or there? it’s already a gaggle of geese that won’t behave neatly and tidily. Just add the additional one in, especially as it sounds like it’s another pram strapped under one year of age kid?
This is far too many words.
Nta. the baby is far too young for this. the brother is nuts.
NTA
But MIL-zilla and BIL-zilla are. Imagine throwing this much fuss over not controlling someone else’s wedding, and not having a kid that the bride and groom don’t know be in the procession.
It’s your and hubbys wedding so your decision… having said that….Look, just have her in the wedding… there’s a good chance, surrounded by strangers, she’ll refuse to walk down the aisle.
HOWEVER , before you agree, have MIL sign a contract agreeing to pay for the photoshopping and reprinting of all photos if BIL breaks up with his gf at anytime.
And speak to the photographer re positioning child in pictures for ease of later photoshopping removal
Frankly everyone under 3 is going to be a crapshoot on the wedding day, but it seems like OP and fiancee are prepared for last minute changes and trust the babies parents to pull them out of the ceremony if they are restless or crying. OP and fiance don’t know brother’s girlfriend or her child at all. One baby guided by a 10yo is challenging. Two walking babies is asking for chaos.
NTA. It’s kind of presumptuous and very rude to ask to be in someone’s wedding party don’t you think?
I bet the brother’s girlfriend put him up to it and is pushing for it.
Tell your MIL that you are very surprised at her reaction and always felt she was supportive of you. Say so be it if it changes your behavior towards you in the future and you feel it is unfair that she is pushing you both to add a child you don’t know to an already full bridal party.
Stick to your guns.
You have like 20 kids in this wedding. 3 ring bearers. Just stuff the kid in a cute dress and let her walk down the aisle. Don’t have the kids stay up front after the walk so she’s not in all the pictures. But also you said this is ruining your whole relationship so maybe you don’t want to get married to this man after all? You’re in bride mode. It happened to me. I fought with my mom about my grandma. We got married on the beach and my grandma was in her 80’s and I didn’t think she would want to walk down the aisle which was just sand unescorted because it was a small wedding and there were no other living grandparents . But my mom was so pissed like I was dishonoring my grandma. all I wanted was for her to have plenty of time and people helping her get to her seat so it was easier. But I finally gave in and it took a long time and by brother walked her and then had to climb back up the stairs to walk his bridesmaid. He was exhausted. And it took forever. But I let it happen and it didn’t end up mattering to me because I wasn’t even out there when it was happening. It’s a baby. No one is going to wonder who she is. They’re going to aww. It’s not as big of a deal as you’re making it because you’re having bride brain. Natural but not worth the stress. If you love this man and want to keep being accepted in his family, reach out and tell everyone you want them all to be at the wedding and for it to be a beautiful day. That you’re happy to welcome baby into the ceremony. That you care about them and your husband too much for this to cause an issue. And then move on.
Updateme
Is this really your hill to die on? You’ve ruined your relationship with your in laws over a baby toddling down the aisle with other young kids who are ALL from your side of the family- I really do think you’ll look back regretfully. YTA to your relationships
They haven’t even been together for a year BIZARRE behavior for them to put this kind of pressure on you and be willing to throw away a great established dynamic with you and your fiancé over somebody who has barely been put through the proverbial relationship paces. You do not know somebody in that amount of time and her kid is 10 months old- she’s barely out of whatever her previous relationship was, BIL needs to slow his fucking roll.
Updateme
Bridezilla alert. Remember that divorces are a thing, so stop freaking out about such a small request from your stbh’s mother for God sakes.
This kind of stuff is why I think people should save all that $$$$$ and just elope
You’re already planning on having a toddler you don’t really know (the kid of your fiancee’s best friend) in your wedding, plus several other little kids, it just seems 🤷🏽 to let a toddler your BIL is raising join the big group of kiddos walking that aisle.
If the BIL breaks up with the kid’s mom the week after the wedding, you can just Photoshop him out of your pics.
Who cares if some of your relatives have to be told, “that’s BIL’s baby” to explain the kid’s presence.
NTA
Elope and spend your whole wedding budget on the best honeymoon!!!
Not even his kid for fuck sake
NTA. You said no, and your MIL and BIL didn’t respect it. Now your BIL is throwing a sissy fit and dropping out of the wedding. Honestly, I’m just warning you, as someone who has toxic in-laws, reconsider if you even want to marry into this family. My husband had a hard time standing up to his mom, and then he finally stood his ground. This has resulted her being awful to my husband and later our daughter just because my husband chose me.
There were warning signs my MIL was nuts. Then a lot of things escalated when I wouldn’t let my MIL wear a cream colored gown, and I wouldn’t let her be in charge of the bridal party.
I say let the little girl be in the wedding.
I’m gonna get downvoted massively, I’m sure, but I don’t think your MIL’s request was unreasonable, though the way she escalated the situation was. Both sides of the family should be represented in the wedding party as equally as possible, if you’re having any family in it. Your fiancé’s brother’s girlfriend’s child may not technically be family, but it’s someone important to his brother and that should be enough for you. I don’t quite see why you’re digging your heels in about this.
If you give in, would brother’s almost fiancée allow your toddler in her wedding if you had one? Doubt it. She is trying to push her way in and she doesn’t even have a ring.
Actually, this seriously sounds like an attempt by the brother’s not yet fiancee to push her way in as a bridesmaid since her toddler can’t possibly walk down the aisle alone. Then she will keep this likely fussy toddler at the altar during the ceremony and both in all photos. Then she’ll insist on bringing her to the reception, expecting everyone to babysit while she parties. Be prepared for the brother to not only propose in the middle of the reception. That you pay for. And announce she is pregnant and MIL and her side forgets it is your wedding and fawn all over them, wanting photos of you and new husband.
Is she going to push to have your kids named after her deceased family members?
I wonder if fiance’s brother and his not yet fiancée will actually make it to the altar.
And will MIL treat OP’s kids as well as the brother’s step kid or will she fawn all over her first grandkids? Expect your kids to be treated less than cause I think this brother is the golden child.
As for OP’s fiance’s siblings saying they won’t come if the brother’s not yet fiancée’s toddler isn’t in the wedding, have your fiance tell them he will miss them.
No to the toddler and no to the not yet fiancee unless you want them to take over your reception.
Such a weird hill to die on
NTA. That’s it. MIL definitely is TA
If u just letting strangers be in the wedding, can I be the maid of honor? See how crazy that looks? If THIS is what’s ruining the relationships is this the right family 2 marry into? NTA
I think everyone is wrong except the little girl. You have a lot of family involved and you won’t let them add one more. Just don’t have her in the photos if you care that much. Compromise because that is what family who like each other do.
However, the MiL and brother are also AHs because they keep forcing the issue.
NTA. But I am curious why the whole family is going scorched earth trying to get a toddler who is from a former relationship of someone who is not yet married into the family. Even if it means hurting someone who is marrying into the family right now and not at a future date.
Is the brother the golden child? Is the brother’s fiancee continuously pushing for what she wants without regard for what is appropriate? And for the brother is this seemingly minor issue worth doing permanent damage to relationship with his brother (which is what dropping out as best man will do. There is no coming back from that). And OP do you really want to marry into this family? From what we have seen your fiancé is not going to have your back. At least not consistently and not without a lot of work on your part.
NTA – I think it’s strange your BIL and MIL wants his long distance gfs kid to be in your wedding when you haven’t meet her or the kid??
I’d be saying no, due to not meeting her or the kid and if they can’t respect that decision then that’s on them.
Elope.
What if everyone of your siblings and his siblings all had kids… let’s say 3 kids each… without knowing how many siblings, just his sister brother and your sibling from where your nephews come from, there is 9 kids right there. So if you had to choose from those 9 theoretical kids, someone is bound to get butthurt over their little nose miner didn’t get picked. It’s no different in your situation. You have picked those YOU are close too, and I’m sure your friends with kids were a little disappointed too their little nose miners didn’t make the cut either.
If the inlaws are going to put THAT much emphasis on a child’s position (that let’s face it, wouldnt know what day it is or what they are wearing, or where they are, or their role…etc) then maybe they aren’t mature enough to attend a wedding. To the brother who is threatening to drop out, I would say “that’s your choice, we will ask the next in line”.
Updateme
Jesus Christ on crutches. ELOPE. These people are insane. The gall of your brother-in-law‘s girlfriend (whom you both have never met) to pretty much demand that her child by another man being in your wedding is just over the top. And buy your fiancé‘s mom a parka… cause that’s how far she is out of line. What a family..
NTA—I have never understood why people flip their lids over other people’s weddings to this degree. It isn’t their wedding, and out of all of the adults, you and your fiancé seem to be the only ones thinking about how the little girl would react concerning her comfort level as an infant (barely over a year old) in an entire room full of strangers staring at her. No kid under the age of about three or four (and gregarious by nature, at that) has ever taken the pressure well when included in a wedding party, which usually does include people they know. This little girl would be paired with a ten-year-old she doesn’t know who will also be tending to a baby in a stroller. Your MIL and BIL are ridiculous. It doesn’t mean you don’t love or care about them; you’re just pragmatic. Not including the little girl isn’t because you have no faith in the BIL’s relationship. It just isn’t something that makes sense.
At the end of the day, it’s not their wedding. It’s yours and your fiancé’s big day. These people are making decisions you’ve made all about them, and it’s stupid you two have to deal with it. I’m sorry.
Updateme
YTA. You get all the roles filled for your side and none for your fiancee. Fiance had a spot marked for his friend’s son but you took that too. And you choosing this hill to die on after his family welcomed you with both arms, in your own word. Hope this is worthy of all the drama.
NTA – You don’t know the kid of the mom? It seems so weird that this is a hill they are all willing to die on, and yet instead of introducing you to this woman and her child they just keep badgering you about it?
I feel like there has to be SOMETHING weird that they aren’t telling you? Maybe the child is actually your FBIL’s but it’s a secret? Maybe she’s already pregnant with his kid? Something is not adding up.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You, the bride, are being pressured to add a baby to YOUR wedding party whom you have not met. Nor have you met her mother who has not been dating your stb-BIL for even a year! But your fiancé’s family is insisting you do this for no reason other than they want it to happen. These people are seriously bizarre.
Tell them that the BIL’s wedding would be a better debut for the little princess and her mother, but she can sit this one out. And figure out your MIL b/c this is weirdness is ruining her good start with you.
NTA.
NTA at this point I’d just get enlop
Updateme!
There’s already far too many kids involved,including one you don’t know, so what’s one more? OP you should consider having one of your bridesmaids walk with the flower girls and one of the grooms with the ring bearers, so there’s some adult supervision. Expecting kids that young to rangle babies down the aisle is a recipe for disaster.
I do agree that right now it’s all heavily weighted towards your family and your fiancé’s family is clearly feeling it. Their ask isn’t unreasonable, and this shouldn’t have escalated the way it has. It feels like you’ve dug your heels in, when you should have been a little more open to their request from the start. If I was you I’d re-think your decision. It isn’t worth wrecking close family relationships over.
NTA.
It is wild to ask someone to have a child they never met in the wedding party.
I agree your relationship with his mom will forever be altered because how pushy she has been about this.
Updateme
Yta. Anyone else get the feeling this bride has an iron grip on everything to do with this wedding? All I see is you convincing your husband why he can’t have anyone from his side involved while you fill up all the roles with your family.
And you act like it’s some big sacrifice that you’re allowing people to bring their partners if they aren’t engaged.
What’s one more kid in your wedding when it’s something important to your fiancé and his family?
Edit: your comments just reinforce this.
YTA – how is it really going to ruin your wedding? Is it really going to change anything other than like, two photographs? Even if you never see this kid again, it’s not going to change your wedding day. At all. Is the pain or even just annoyance, which can last for years, really the price you want to pay for 20 minutes exactly how you want it?
I would message your mother in law and say “You once told me that it’s my wedding. Now you’re trying to turn it into your wedding. My fiance and I have decided that brother in laws daughter is not going to be in the wedding. That is final and if you, or them, can not accept it then don’t bother coming to the wedding”
I understand that family is important, don’t get me wrong, but at the end of the day it is YOUR special day, no one else’s. If no one can accept your final say when it comes to your wedding then they’re not worth having there.
NTA
Just have a courthouse wedding or something with only parents, no exceptions. Keep it simple and avoid all drama. Just let the already told family members that there’s a change of plans and the reasons for it. I’m sure they’ll understand.
I find it funny MIL said it herself that it’s OUR wedding, meaning you and your fiancé’s, but yet makes it about your fiancé’s brother. Funny how fiancé’s brother isn’t even man enough to ask himself and do all that himself, but got mommy dearest to ask for him. Grow up, dude!
Maybe remind MIL that it’s your wedding. She even said it herself to not let your mother basically push you around, so it should go both ways.
“She wasn’t being rude or anything but every reason I have she seem to have a rebuttal.”
She was being rude by continuing to bring up the topic over and over again.
She was being very rude with sweet voice and demeanor to mask her rudeness.
To give you context of where I’m coming from:
I had 8 flower girls at my wedding and loved every bit of it. I couldn’t have had too many flower girls personally… that being said, your situation has crossed over into weird controlling territory on your in laws part.
I would have previously said that you could offer to have the girl in a matching dress and just not have her walk down the aisle… but this feels like give them an inch, they’ll take a mile.
So do what feels best for you. I’m sorry for your fiancé. It was way off base for his mom and brother to act that way and now they’re using relational aggression to manipulate him.
Edited to add: NTA. I agree with others that this is a silly thing to escalate over, but I think that’s true for both sides and ultimately – it’s a wedding for you and fiancé, so as side characters for the occasion, MIL and BIL should have stepped down.
Updateme
NTA, but… probably very unpopular opinion:
Have it even, 3 girls and 3 boys because it’ll help you with the relationship with the in-laws in the future. This hill is not really one to die on and it gives a certain “tone” for your relationship showing acceptance and compromise or lack thereof.
This will be a moment of like 5 minutes of your ceremony and the possible “fall-out” might be not worth over it.
Yes, his family seems to be pushy and trying to force it on you because they want to welcome that new (possible step-)grandchild into the family. But it could also affect your relationship with your future husband who might like his brother there by his side. And I agree with the others on here if he’s really on your side when it comes to this.
Sometimes you just have to make tiny adjustments which will make a much better outcome. Having her as another flower girl will not affect your wedding in a big way but standing firm on no might affect it much more.
I’m old(er) and I’m not a native English speaker so I hope I got my thoughts across without offending you. In my opinion the pro’s of having her as an extra flower girl outweighs the con’s not having her.
Updateme!
ESH- The aisle is what, 20 feet? 30 feet? Get/borrow/ put mil on a mission to get a double stroller and the 10-year-old can safely push both kids down the aisle. You might consider running the idea by your fiance. If fiance’s eyes light up at the thought, you’ll know what you have to do.
Updateme!
Cancel the wedding. Do not negotiate with (emotional) terrorists.
Omg brother is jealous. He wants the kid there so his parents will focus on him, having the first grandchild, thereby jumping over your success of getting married.
Or, new gf is demanding this. Either way, it’s a really weird hill to die on. “I demand you give someone you’ve never met, a role in your wedding”! And if you don’t I’m never speaking to you again. Like what?
Your fiance needs to tell everyone that HIS OWN relationships with everyone pushing this will be affected if they keep forcing the issue and this is HIS decision and that’s final. It’s nothing to do with you, this is his choice and if anyone dares bring it up again they’re not invited. That he’s appalled at the bullying of his future wife and suggestions it’s all her. And they better apologise to you while they’re at it for suggesting you’re the problem
Unreliable narrator. It very much gives controlling bride vibes. Her vision, her relatives. Lots of excuses why she should exclude the little girl. So what if her family asks who the girl is.
Tell them and it’s over.
The fiancé’s family is seeing what the bride is doing and calling out the toxic behavior. They decided this was last stand. YTA
NTA. Inviting her and the child to the wedding was enough inclusion and “kindness to newcomers”. MIL and BIL have way overstepped. Being extra nice maybe would’ve been including them and the kid in wedding pics but in the actual wedding is weird. You don’t know them. Honestly I’d elope to avoid it bc now you’re the outsider. All for a girlfriend of 8 months 🙄 I’m sorry, this is a sucky situation 😕
NTA but, at this point, just nix all the kids in the wedding party since it’s a major headache. Future BIL is being an ass and so is future MIL. Don’t let them bully you but, honestly, get rid of the kids in the wedding party. And, have your fiancé get a new best man.
Is the brother walking down the aisle with the MOH/bridesmaid? If not, have the gf’s daughter wear a black dress and the brother can “escort her” to her seat down the aisle. You include her in the ceremony, but she won’t be with the flower girls or in those photos. You can get photos of those two walking down and even give it to them as a gift.
Any bridal party photos, you might either not want to include the flower girls/ring bearers, or, include them all and make sure the photographer has her somewhere that you could potentially remove her from. Secretly. Just in case, not hoping. Lol.
Otherwise, I say elope!
ETA: NTA at all.
NTA. Don’t give in. What will your wedding be like if you do give in and this child starts screaming when she’s walking down the aisle?
NTA
FMIL is literally saying “This is YOUR (OP + fiance’s) wedding, don’t let anyone browbeat you choices you don’t want… except for ME, you HAVE to listen to ME!”
The hypocrite!
NTA- seriously all of this is very premature.
Is your future brother-in-law your mother-in-law’s favorite?
Because it seems to me that a lot of focus was made over this new relationship right when you’re getting married.
Do you think this is something new or do you think your mother-in-law’s mask might have been slipping?
Because this feels very narcissistic to me. And they love ways to flex that they’re more important than other things going on.
I have PTSD flashes around my birthday because my family would make sure I knew everything else was more important than my birthday.
Your wedding is not the runway to show off your brother-in-law’s new relationship and insta family.
BIL and MIL should have let it go. It’s a weird hill to die on, but they don’t care how awkward they are making things as long as they get their way. It feels selfish and cruel of them to hyperfocus like this and put pressure on you.
At this point, I personally would never give in, even if there might be decent reasons to. It’s about the power struggle and saving face and sending a message that you won’t bow to randomly applied pressure.
The only way I’d give in is if it would damage my relationship with my fiance. So it might be worth shelling out for a session with a couple’s therapist to make sure you’re on the same page with regard to the bigger issues at play and there will really be no hard feelings.
With the family, from here on make an unwritten rule that you’re no longer going to discuss on any level this issue. No reassurances, no reiterations, no apologies, nothing. They are addicted to the drama. Starve ‘em of it.
Your fiance needs to do two things.
One… he needs to tell brother that he had a weak moment and caved in to mom’s pressure about this. That while he is sure that IF the brother gets married, you both will welcome new niece with enthusiasm and open arms and will not hesitate to treat her as any other niece. However, you haven’t even met her yet and this isn’t about her since she isn’t even 2 years old yet.
two… he needs to call his mother and tell her to fix this goddamn mess she has created by not taking a no for an answer, not supporting you both on YOUR wedding vs a child you have never met, and now gossiping so that his bride is being trashed and his brother dropped out. That she should have stayed out of nit and if brother doesn’t apologize and back off…. he will be telling everyone what a mess she and brother created and SHE will have to answer all the questions about where is her other son at the wedding.
YTA- yeah, its your wedding, and your call, but it seems more like you convinced your fiancé why you are right, than that he agreed with you completely. In fact, according to you, you and YOUR mom had basically planned the wedding alone within a couple of weeks. YOU decided who you wanted in the wedding party before he even proposed. Are you seeing a trend?
A lot of women (and I’m a woman, 39 to be clear) get so caught up on their vision of the wedding, they forget that at the end of the day, its a party that lasts a few hours, that is supposed to celebrate the beginning of a LIFE together. And that life will include your families too. You said your MIL has been very sweet and accepting, and has become like a mother (not just MIL) to you. You are risking serious damage to that relationship because she made (as you said) ONE request for the wedding, but it wasn’t your “vision”, and that’s more important.
You have 3 ring barriers, and basically 2 flower girls, so 1 more won’t matter. As someone else said, get a cute little wagon BOTH can sit in, and the Jr bridesmaid can pull. Honestly, I think that would actually look better than a stroller anyway. And yeah, I noticed before you even said MIL mentioned it that of the 5, almost all are from YOUR side. You may not know the kid, and she’s not biologically your BIL’s, but he’s been in her life literally since before she could think or comprehend beyond pain/discomfort. And he has been with the mom for like 8 months. She is important to him, and if he is important to your fiancé, its worth considering. And the argument of “we don’t want her in the pics, cuz what if we break up?” Think about the opposite. If you dig in your heels, and they stay together, she WILL hear this story. How do you think that will be when she’s say a teen, who knows you didn’t want her in your wedding, because you didn’t want her in pics if her mom and BIL broke up? Also, if you have a kid by the time BIL gets married, I could totally see (and honestly would applaud) him saying he didn’t want to have your kid in the wedding “in case you get a divorce”.
And your comment that your family would be confused about who she was really drives home the point that is YOUR wedding, not your’s and your fiancé’s, because this is actively causing issues with his family, but you are thinking more about your family “being confused”.
You can do what you want, but 1. It should include your fiancé’s opinion too, and I think him wanting to do it because it matters to his brother is a valid reason for him. And 2. Just know that you are damaging what you described as a great in law relationship over 1 extra kid getting attention for a few minutes.