Hi AITAH community!
This is my first ever post and probably the last. This problem has been eating me from the inside out. I just want some peace of mind.
I(19 F) have two older stepbrothers that are in their late 30s(so they are full-grown adults with families of their own). Even since I was little I felt alienated from them. They often called my father when they needed something. I always thought of them as selfish, jelous and distant. They rarely visited, but it was just fine with me. I had the support of my parents. They never really felt like family. More like people I have to see from time to time to remember they exist.
Perhaps my dad was not perfect and they were resentful towards him. Still, they seldom behaved wrong and found ways to upset my father so they can get what they wanted. Their actions spoke volumes about the kind of persons they are but I won’t get into detailes.
Sadly, five years ago my father passed away from lung cancer. He was a heavy smoker and couldn’t quit. Those moments were the hardest but I got trough and here I am five years later. At the funeral they did some despicable things. They behaved very poorly towards my mother and my uncle(my mother’s brother). One of them even cursed at my mother and all the people present heard it.
Something really stuck with me from those moments. It’s the only thing I remember as clear as day. Before I left for the funeral my uncle warned me to not take anything from them and to not drink or eat what they offer me. In that moment something has awoken in me. Everything was uncertain. Everything was danger. You cannot trust anyone even if they are “family”. My brother’s wife offered me a juicy box that they got for their chidren. I took it and never opened it. Before I left I let it on a shelf. I did not want to touch it.
In these five years none of them called me. None of them asked how I’m doing or if I’m in need of smth. I was none of their problems. Me and my mother got by just fine. I got my drivers licence and got into my dream college. I have a good boyfriend that cares about me. I’m ready to let the past behind and strat a new life.
But what if the past comes and bites you when you least expect it? This morning my other uncle called(my father’s brother). He invinted me to a lunch held in the honor of my dad(it’s kind of a tradition in my country). He said that I have to build a healthy relationship with my bothers. He called my mother selfish for not taking me into seeing them. I have my own brain and I can decide alone. I do not want to see them or hear them or talk to them.
I do not have to be the bigger person(because I’m not, I’m way younger). I do not have to reconstruct a bond that I did not break. At my uncle’s insistances one of them called me. I was straighforward and told him I do not wish to come. He was taken aback by my refusal and started mumbling. I said “bye” and ended the call.
In these five years I felt so alone and so vulnerable. There were many times at night when I felt afraid that smth was in the dark, praying on me. I was afraid, I lost my balance. Now I’m starting a life of my own, a life they won’t be a part of.
So AITAH for shutting them off? This meeting would reopen old wounds and I’m not ready for that. Where were they when I was crying my eyes out and praying to the Lord to save my father?
Comments
NTA. In no way are you the asshole, and your uncle is way out of line for presuming to lecture you. What you “need” to do is for YOU to decide, and it does not sound as if you need anything from those guys.
Sometimes all you share with family is some DNA. Their very bad behavior has caused you considerable pain. You owe no one an explanation for this.
Best wishes.
Never believe you have to be the bigger person. Everyone is eligible for that role, so don’t take any pressure to push you in that direction.
Older people who should have more wisdom have no excuses.
NTA. I agree this is their burden to carry, and their responsibility to fix, not yours. If you need to have a boundary up, then you should keep it.
This decision, that they suddenly need to have you in their life, was made according to their timetable, not yours. Who knows what their motivations are?
Now that I am a bit older, out of my teens, I have a different perspective on what life must have been like for these two sons. Something happened between their dad and mom, maybe she died, maybe they divorced. Their dad (your dad) went on to be with another woman, your mom, and have a new baby, you. That had to bring up in them many conflicted feelings. The father who raised them suddenly had another family. Wounds were caused, and some estrangement followed.
It might help you out with your own fears and anxieties to instead imagine their perspective and gain some compassion for it. Not that you are in any way responsible to reach out to them. You are not.
NTA 100% – you get to choose who is in your life. Your feelings of safety and security are way more important than their ego.
NTA.
Sometimes the healthiest family gatherings are the ones you don’t attend.
Why are they reaching out now? What do they want? They were adults exhibiting poor behavior not kids.
Protect your peace.
NTA. Go forth and live your life with peace and love.
It would be different if they had reached out to you of their own free will, with open hearts and apologies for the past. Then it might have been worth exploring the possibilities of a relationship.
This isn’t that.
Preserve your peace.
NTA.
NTA. The fact that your uncle warned you about poison (implied by not drinking/eating what they offer) at your father’s funeral speaks volumes about their character. These men are not safe. You owe them nothing, especially not your time or emotional labor to ‘fix’ a relationship they shattered. Your father’s memory is honored by your peace, not by engaging with people who disrespected him and his family.
>Before I left for the funeral my uncle warned me to not take anything from them and to not drink or eat what they offer me.
That sounds… scary. Why would he warn you about it? Like, do they have a history of… spicing drinks?
And who the hell behaves despicably at a funeral? Do they share a single brain cell or something?
Unless they genuinely apologize to you and your mom, I don’t think there is a reason for you to meet them. NTA.
INFO: did they have a problem with your mother, because this is what it’s looking like. Was she the mistress that broke their family? Was she a bad stepmother? Unless there was a history of them doing anything, your uncle on your mother’s side just made you paranoid to control you.
NTA…………..Blood or half-blood doesn’t make people honest, sincere n decent.
Stepbrothers are not decent.
You keep doing the right thing…….block, ignore them. They are not your friends. They won’t help you.
The best thing I ever did for myself was: totally cut off my father after decades of intentional abuse. He never would admit it. The last 24 years of his life…..I CUT HIM OUT OF MY LIFE.
BEST THING I EVER DID FOR ME….!!!
NTA
Nta
NTA
“I did not curse their mothers at my father’s funeral. I did not ignore my teenage sibling for 5 years once I had no parental ties to them. I am not the one who broke this bridge, and I won’t let you act like it’s my fault that I have no ties to them. They showed me how little I matter to them, and I don’t think I’ll ever see them as family again.”
they ghosted your whole existence for five years, cursed out your mom at your dad’s funeral, and now think you’ll show up for a “family lunch” like it’s a sitcom reunion? please. let them choke on their own entitlement. you didn’t shut them out, you just stopped opening the door to people who never knocked.
NTAH. You have every right to say no, not interested. Boundaries are good. They haven’t made any effort in 5 years, and now they are interested? Red flag baby. Tell uncle to mind his business, you will live your life.
NTA
Warned not to eat/drink anything from them. Yikes.
Block them all, including anyone that wants to force a relationship with them.
NTA. You do not have to build a relationship with them. I would be curious as to why they want to do so now. If they want one, I would be asking them to apologise to your mother for their behaviour at the funeral before anything else.
NTA – To be warned not to take anything from your half-brothers at your dad’s is tragic. You do not have to be the bigger person or keep the peace for two men who should have been there for you and your mom all along instead of acting like children. The damage is done, and the trauma they’ve inflicted on you is just too big. And if they’re reaching out now, they want something like an organ for themselves or one of their kids.
Keep your head high and continue to your live your best life with your mom.
NTA. All the drama aside, they were adults when you were born. They were never your family. You’re not actually related.
Decline the invite and make it clear you won’t be accepting invites in the future *because you are not family.*
Live in peace.