TW: MENTIONS OF SA
hey all, I hope you guys are well.
Im asking everyone to keep this story off tiktok, as i dont want people i know to find this story (no one i know uses reddit)
I (14 f) am in a group of girls who are a bit weird, and some of us like to do things like slap eachothers bums. My friend in this story who where going to be calling poolie, is not typically one of the people who contribute to the weird/freakyness.
one day last year, i was saying goodbye to poolie and i slapped her bum out of habbit (i had done it to many other friends that day). Poolie just kind of said um and walked off, im not sure if it made her uncomftorable or anything but from that reaction i assume it did. I imediatlly started freaking out about what i did to my girlfriend and she said it probably wouldve made poolie feel uncomftorable, so i should apolgise. I messaged poolie soon after this incident happened and she seemed normal, and i dont remeber if i did end up apolgising to her for it.
Ive been going through some mental health issues and I have been thinking im a bad person, and recently ive remebered this incident and felt like such an asshole and feel like i sexually assulted poolie. To be honest, i dont think poolie even remebers it, and shes a very vocal person so i feel like if it upset her/ she thougt i sexually assulted her. Ive never done anything like this too poolie again, but this is still weighing heavy on my mind.
I was wondering, did i sa her? and if i did, what do i do now? i was sexually assulted when i was a young child, and i hate sexual assulters with all my heart.
Comments
You’re not a bad person, dude, you just made a mistake. It sounds like you were caught up in the dynamic of your friend group and didn’t stop to think if Poolie was cool with it. The fact that you’re stressing about this a year later shows you actually care. If you’re still close with her, a quick “Hey, I randomly remembered this and wanted to say sorry if it ever made you uncomfortable” wouldn’t hurt. But from what you said, she doesn’t seem to be holding onto it. Forgive yourself, learn from it, and move on
i’m not going to say you’re an asshole at 14, you’re not a bad person, but yeah—what you did wasn’t okay. touching someone, especially in a private area like that, without their clear consent can be considered SA, even if it was meant as a joke or habit. consent always matters, no matter how normal it might seem in a friend group. poolie’s reaction showed she might’ve been uncomfortable, and even if she didn’t say anything more, that doesn’t mean it didn’t affect her.
but you’re 14, not an excuse, but the fact that you’re reflecting, feeling guilt, and wanting to take accountability shows that you do care and that you’re trying to grow. that’s what matters. if you’re unsure whether you apologized, it’s okay to reach out now with a simple message like,
“i’ve been thinking about something that happened a while ago and i just want to say i’m sorry if i made you uncomfortable. it wasn’t okay, and i understand that now.”
don’t make it about your guilt—just be sincere. the best thing you can do is learn from this, respect others’ boundaries going forward, and keep showing up as someone who wants to do better. that’s how people grow.
One your not a bad person. But you never lay hands on anyone, you constantly do this with your friends not everyone you know is going to be weird like you and your friends. Have you ever heard of “HAND TO MYSELF” if you knew it’s not right why do it? Why touch. Don’t touch people regardless if you know them or not. Don’t touch people without their permission and or consent. Hope this makes you learn and move up and grow up. Once again “HAND TO MSELF”
You can’t accidentally SA someone. Thats not a thing. SA requires an intent to derive sexual gratification from the act. Slapping someone’s bum out of habit, while fairly inappropriate, isn’t on par with SA because you weren’t seeking any sexual pleasure when doing so.
If you still feel guilty about the situation and can’t recall whether you specifically apologized to Poolie for it, you should apologize. Tell Poolie how much it’s troubling you to think that you possibly upset her, albeit unintentionally. It may not mean much to Poolie (who may have completely forgotten about the incident) but it will help you get past this.
NTA, you already apologized and yes, we do mistakes and we regretted it but that mistake doesn’t define you as who you are rn.
YTA
You touched someone inappropriately but never fear you will get a pass from the Redditors who would bash any male who did the same thing.