Hi, this is a throwaway. To put it bluntly, me and my husband had a surprise baby while we were young, I was on long term birth control at the time (implant in arm) and had to have it removed after we found out I was pregnant.
Last week we were out for dinner with friends and he was making jokes and slipped in about how he thinks I baby trapped him. No reason for it, nothing to back up this crazy accusation, never mentioned it before but I guess drunk words are sober thoughts? Our friends obviously looked a bit shocked and uncomfortable, especially when they saw my face.
I asked my husband what the heck he was on about and he was saying how it was weird that we’d been sleeping together for 4 years and then I randomly got pregnant. I responded by asking him a flurry of questions like “oh did I baby trapped you for your money?” (He and his family were broke, mine is well off), and “did I baby trap you for your house?” (We lived in one of my parents properties at the time), “did I baby trap you for your cars” (he didn’t have a license at that point) he didn’t respond and then our friends changed the subject. He’s been giving me basically the silent treatment ever since, only 1 word answers and only when I speak to him.
By the way, since having our 1st we have been married for 3 years, bought a house (with my deposit) and had 2 more children. This completely caught me by surprise but he really seems quite upset by this. I know it was cruel to embarrass him but a common phrase in my area is “don’t dish it out if you can’t take it”. AITA?
Comments
YTAH (but sometimes the correct response to asshole behavior is an asshole response)
Fuck him
NTA. It’s not a baby trap when contraception fails. It’s biology. His joke wasn’t funny; your response was necessary.
Marriage always sounds delightful.
NTA.
Maybe the correct response should have been, however, “pretty sure he tampered with my birth control” so he could see just how absurd his allegations actually were.
hubs is the ah and I would not want someone with that tude around kids. yuck.
NTA. He embarrassed you and then doubled down and came back with reasons why he thinks you baby trapped him! That was intentional and he’s being a baby now
Was there anyway in which he was joking? If not… NTA!!! He knew you were on long term birth control and got pregnant accidentally. He should’ve never said any of that in front of your friends. If he was concerned, he should’ve brought it up privately, so you have every right to give right back to him and embarrass him
NTA if he can’t take it don’t dish it. I would have been pissed also. Good luck
ESH— both of you embarrassed each other in front of friends, so you publicly shamed each other.
30 min acct
God i hope you have a fantastic prenup.
NTA
If anything, he trapped you.
YTA
Genders reversed, this would be a 100% YTA thread.
Your husband feels trapped. Instead of getting to the root of that, you dunked on him. You could have just let the silence fill the room, but you had to make him feel worthless. No wonder he feels trapped.
I can’t say this is bad creative writing, looks like a lot of people believed it
I’m so sorry. That has to hurt.
NTA, but also unfortunately not the bigger person either. But I don’t blame you. I’m the same way. It just sucks that it’s your husband. I don’t have kids, but if roles were reversed, it would be extremely difficult to recover my relationship from that. What an absolutely horrific, idiotic, and disrespectful things to say.
I will say that I don’t know how much I believe in “drunk words are sober thoughts”. Alcohol does lower inhibition, which I have always perceived as it being more likely that you just don’t care about the consequences of whatever dumb shit you say versus those being your actual sober thoughts. I’ve said some dumbbbbbbb shit back in the day while drunk that I know for a fact I never dwelled on sober. Ever. I just wanted to say that to provide some weird sense of hope that you guys will reconcile.
NTA.
The fact that this ‘joke’ came out means he’s had the thought before and enough that it slipped. From info you provided, it sounds like his ego sorely misjudged who he thought he was.
Yes, he is probably embarrassed. But so were you.
Sounds like he married up and still thinks that he was the prize.
Nta
Nothing wrong in being an asshole for the right cause.
If he is still acting like a sooky la la, then call his ass out. Just say straight up, “You can drop the bullshit right now. You degraded me, I called you out on it. It’s finished unless you keep acting like this, then we will be finished! Got it? Now put your big boy pants on and start acting like a flamin adult!”
NTAH he shouldn’t have embarrassed you by bringing all this up at dinner with your friends! Did he feel embarrassed with your truthful answers to his humiliating accusations?! It took him years to build a life and trust and in one night he’s toppled all you thought about him. How are you supposed to move forward in your marriage when you just found out he doesn’t trust you? That for years he’s been secretly doubting you and building resentful.
Sounds like he was a loser then and still a loser now.
Woah- ESH.
He was a total dick for saying that you baby trapped him in front of your friends. But you came back with a string of insults phrased as questions to say he was worthless.
Question: what do you want out of this relationship, because when you start tearing each other down- especially publicly- that’s a pretty good sign you are heading towards a divorce.
How much experience did he have before you? Were you two in serious relationship or just sleeping together?
NTA but I would have a calm discussion with him where you explain your feelings were hurt by the accusation and also figure out why he said that. From someone who also had the jokes made about me, it was because 1) they thought I wanted a sense of family 2) yeah he had no money but I’d have >him< and 3) I think it was a way to express frustration over not being “”allowed”” to consider anything besides the “””honorable””” thing of staying with me. I’m not saying your husband actually thinks this way but there might have been a little frustration that morphed and spiraled into believing you did this on purpose to shift blame onto someone.
He feels trapped? Set him free. It doesn’t sound like he brings much usefulness to the relationship.
The only way I could baby trap you is to pinhole your condoms.
Oh yeah, you don’t use them, maybe you trapped me.
Yes you are.
Absolutely NTA. He tried to humiliate you in front of a group of friends, and you put him in his place. Now HE’S mad at YOU?!?!? That’s rich. Hubby can dish it out but he can’t take it. What a turn off.
NTA
The one who was “trapped” was you hon. He was broke, homeless & riding a bus. Now he’s married with (I assume) a car, a house you bought & secured the bag with 3 kids in how many years?
I love my daughter with my whole world, but kids were not part of my plan. My contraception failed, and I bawled. I was terrified and it didn’t really change until I had her. If her dad ever said I baby trapped him I would laugh hysterically. Your husband sounds like a nitwit who is projecting inner fantasies of a ‘what if world’. As in, what if he didn’t have a family at home..
Nta at all. Your husband is a red flag.
He embarrassed you first. He opened the floor up for embarrassment. NTA.
It was a cruel thing for him to say and it would be hard for me to get over. Nta. Good luck
Why are men like this.
His comment and silent treatment are testament to his character. He needs to apologize, admit he was wrong and wrong for saying it. To demonstrate class and integrity, he should tell the friends that that he was wrong g and sucks at trying to tell jokes.
NTA he deserved that embarrassment
NTA “honey, you’d have to actually worth trapping for it to be baby trapping. What we had was contraception failing. Unless…did you mess with my birth control and trap me?!”
NTA
NTA. “I know it was cruel to embarrass him…” – you stop that talk now, OP. He’s the one who – albeit drunkenly – opened his mouth and tried to trash your reputation and dignity among your friends. Still, when the dust settles, I’d recommend marriage counseling. Absent an apology from him, the trust will need work to be repaired.
NTA he was fine with saying something that would embarrass you so why is it such a big deal that you said something that would embarrass him.
Definitely not the AH!! Hopefully he will think before he speaks next time he’s cooking up a joke. Some jokes are not funny and you made him think about the reality of the whole situation. Good for you.
nta and your husband sounds like a douche canoe
NTA. His comment was loaded, offensive and inappropriate. You’re absolutely right that drunk words are sober thoughts. Your response was perfect. I once told a mother who called me a gold-digger “If I’m digging gold on your NEET son, I need to turn in my shovel.” He’s being a pissbaby because you showed that he wasn’t the big man who could insult you to validate himself. Any other Tate-isms sneaking in?
NTA. I think he baby trapped you. He saw a meal ticket and a way to secure it.
NTA
Is it possible that he has either friends or family chirping in his ear saying you baby trapped him
Good for you! He was the TAH. He got exactly what was coming to him. There was no reason at all to say something like that.
NTA. Good for you!
YTA for having so many kids with a bum.
You are a hero, not an asshole. Don’t start none, won’t be none. He’s insecure, that’s not on you.
Well he didn’t mind saying something that could embarrass you.
NTA. Not only did he not have a pot to piss in he doubled down and made you out to be a gold digger and lemme guess … If you were to feel the same about his comment. He’d saying you’re overreacting because it was just a joke.
NTA. There was no baby trapping when a man expects the woman to be the only one responsible for the birth control. He could have always wore protection along with the birth control you used that failed. I would be upset that he said that in company but…in your anger, you went too far and told too much. So, you two need to apologize to each other and stop what you two are doing now. Don’t let things go on like this too long as it can lead to more problems.
Sound like you got trapped
What a dip shit. Bet you he’s been delving into the manosphere.
He doesn’t need a house, cars or money. He can get trapped for HIM. To restrict his freedom. To make sure he “sticks around”.
You invalidated his feelings by poking fun and deliberately insulting him. Instead of having a grown convo, you resulted to making fun.
Big yikes. Feel bad for the man.
On behalf of Future You and the children, please, take your house back and get rid of this aaahole. It’s not you!!! He just told all your friends that he doesn’t love you. You gotta go YESTERDAY before your kids think his behavior is normal for heterocisnormative relationships.
NTA. If anyone could be accused of trapping the other it’s him trapping you. He didn’t think about what he was bringing to the table, which doesn’t sound like much in comparison to you.
NTA and it sounds like you settled for the worst kind of man with no actual benefit.
NTA. If he had left at the baby trapped him only, he’d still be the AH but could probably explain it as a mixture of a bad joke due to alcohol BUT doubling down and questioning you “suddenly” getting pregnant after 4 years IN FRONT of others, he is 100% an F’ing AH. Especially, 3 kids and a mortgage later? Gross. I recommend therapy, as it’s clear this has been festering in him for awhile.
NTA
If anything, he baby trapped you.
NTA. It’s OK fir him to say some out of line disresrespectful crap, but when you tell the truth you’re the villain? It doesn’t work like that.
He fucked around and found out. NTA. Tell him if he wants to go for round 2 of the asshole olympics to let you know.
NTA.
He insulted you with an accusation that could never actually have been substantiated and was clearly completely ridiculous.
You retaliated with complete honesty.
Tell your husband that if he continues to give you the silent treatment due to something that he brought on himself, he can go and stay with his friends.
Nta. You did your part by taking birth control. He baby trapped you by not wearing a condom.
What an a-hole he is. Trapped? Go earn something worth trapping you for and then we’ll talk
definitely nta, he embarrassed u first, for no reason at all. and the fact that he’s giving you the silent treatment instead of acknowledging where he went wrong isn’t a good sign. Wait for him to stop throwing a tantrum, see what he’s going to do and decide how to proceed, but don’t apologize first (I personally don’t think you owe him an apology tho)
He claims this when you had an implant no less, not even pills where you could have missed doses or something. You physically could not have “baby trapped” him. NTA
You got trapped
NtA but but your husband sounds like one.
F him and his one word replies, don’t beg him to talk. He’ll do it on his own eventually but if by the time he gets over his ego, YOU don’t want to talk, let him simmer.
NTA. The fact that he has the absolute gall to be upset rn after throwing that shit at you, I would’ve been seriously considering a divorce if I were in your position. He can go be free if he feels so damn trapped, fuck that.
NTA – I think the was telling on himself – he baby trapped you
Sounds like he’s been thinking that and her response made him realize that he wasn’t worth baby trapping. FATALITY! Right to the ego.
Updateme!
NTA
I’d have thrown in a question about what he was doing to prevent the pregnancy, and told him if he felt trapped and didn’t want to be with me, he knows where the door is.
That’s not a joke. No one should be expected to let a comment like that slide.
You say: Oh, it’s not yours!
And then in the stunned silence you add: Sorry, I thought the game was to say the most hurtful untrue thing we could think of.
Fuck that guy and NTA.
If he had taken responsibility for BC by wearing a Condom you could not have trapped him could you? But he did not do that did he. So, maybe he trapped you.
3 years in where he might get some decent financial payout from a divorce, maybe half hte house all of a sudden he’s starting random arguments?
Some dumb dudes just get the itch and start whining about being trapped and it’s a sign they are looking for other opportunities, or maybe taking advantage of other opportunities.
When a guy with nothing starts randomly complaining like this it gives vibes of wanting out for one reason or another. I’d definitely use some of that wealth to get a PI and double check he ain’t up to shit.
NTA. Maybe you embarrassed him, but he embarrassed you first and your friends seemed to notice this as things got awkward when he told his little ‘joke’ at your expense and not when you gave your come back. He’s more embarrassed that you told the truth and he got caught in a lie, I would guess, but it doesn’t sound like he’s man enough to own up to it.
MAYBE you should offer him his “freedom” because I sense that you will do quite well and he’ll be back to hobo-sexualing in no time.
He better effing grovel.
NTA
Next week he was wurkin fer Amazon🥴
Who the hell breaks each other down like this?
NTA. I think you need to stop having kids with this hobo. You’re the one getting trapped.
I know people are cheering here( especially the misandrists), but this sounds more like you two had a lot more problems than a ” joke”, it seems both of you resent the other for having a kid
NTA- and stop feeling guilty for being smarter than him. asking him logical questions to counter his veryyy WEAK AND MISOGYNISTIC attack of your character in front of friends was his poorly thought out gamble. iRONICALLY sounds like HE trapped YOU.
He baby trapped you sounds like. Happened the same for a friend of my, she came from a well off family and had a princess life, he found a dead beat dad who charmed her pants off and now they have 3 kids together, her parent still are the ones who take the financial burden of the family cause he is useless. Didn’t even finish university, and she has a masters in architecture. I don’t know how her family didn’t see him for who he is, we tried to warn her. He cheats on her constantly and her mom won’t let them divorce cause “what would people say”. All this to say dump his ass
That’s what he gets
Vile, pathetic women do “baby trap” men so it’s pretty awful for a man you have a ltr and several children with to make this accusation.
As a woman I’m glad you called out how stupid it is for him to even jokingly accuse you of such a thing.
NTA
NTA. Now you know his true feelings that he’s been hiding for years. Yikes on his part. What are you gonna do now?
Absolute Projection on his part.
Ironic because he is EQUALLY responsible for your getting pregnant. Does he know how sex & bc work? And that nothing (aside from abstinence) is 100%? Ty He KNEW you had the implant- was either there when you had it removed or immediately after- so did you magically make it ineffective? Turn it off? How does he r n im q A a eally think you managed that? And to accuse you of it in front of everyone?! Crazy. Don’t even know how he justifies accusing you but takes offense to you pointing out the flaws in his theory.
Ouch. I don’t see how this relationship goes on.
NTA. It was warranted and he deserved that for humiliating YOU.
ESH – passive aggressive is never a good look, particularly in a marriage. Why couldn’t you use your big girl words and state you did not find his “joke” funny and demand an apology then & there. In private, if you were still upset, you could have advised him to think before he speaks in the future and to treat you with respect at all times, especially around other people/friends. He made a bad joke that you could have called him out on & ensured it fell flat in front of your company. Instead you were deliberately cruel. I’m guessing your marriage will be short lived if this is how you both regularly behave.
NTA
You reacted 100% normally and actually kept your composure quite well. It sounds like he is feeling insecure so when he had a chance to get some sympathy/cool points from thr friend group it sadly misfired. Sometimes when we drink our it sound much better in our mind than in reality. Classic FAFO. He deserves everything he got.
NTA
True you could’ve tried to make an absurd accusation as a joke instead of tearing him down in public, but he basically asked for it so…
It sounds like he thinks he can do much better but you trapped him.
If he felt trapped then why have more kids ?
NTA but I seriously hope you got a prenup……
He sounds like a loser who baby trapped you.
NTA.
NTA, turnabout is fair play. If you hadn’t said anything, it would have been your embarrassment alone to feel. Yall should talk about this once you both cool off.
That kind of accusation even if joking can be far to easy to explain in the rumor mill as “half joking, half serious”.
Don’t think of this as a conflict, think about this as an opportunity to establish boundaries that weren’t clear before.
The way the next words out of my mouth would have been “You feel stuck? Then let me free you, with exactly what you had before you met me”.
So who’s he cheating with? Baby trapped while married? Come the Fuk on!
Better go get you, and that baby checked. He sounds like the kind of bitsh that would bring dirty dic home.
As is nta, but that can change quickly. You keep complaining about him on the inhale, but wanna defend him on the exhale. That would make you the AH. Either you want us pissed at him or defending him.
Sorry you married a dbag. Let us know what you find cause I know you’re smart enough to, at the very least, check his location when YOU out getting that money and his a$$ at home.
💩 you need to re-evaluate your money and living situation.
NTA – he’s one for sure. That was such a dirt bag thing to say about you. Especially in front of other people! I feel like that was disrespectful to you. He started it. You finished it and he has no reason to be giving you the silent treatment.
If it were me and I’m speaking with 26 years being married. I would have made him crazy finishing every sentence and every thought with ‘you mean like a baby trap?’ he’ll lose it eventually and you can tell him ‘this is how we learn’ 🤣 My bf (RIP❤️) and I used to hashtag each other with TIHWL when we had an example of how you put his ass back in check.
I applaud you ma’am.
GOOD FOR YOU.
You’re NAH but he may have just been trying to be silly and you nuked him. I don’t know. Y’all need to talk.
Sounds like he might have baby trapped you.
NTA
baby trapping isn’t always financially motivated. It can also happen when one partner worries the other is going to leave & they figure a child will make sure the relationship continues.
I think you need to sit down with him once you’re both sober, possibly with a mediator or a counsellor. Was he thinking about breaking up? Did your first baby stop him from leaving & is he quietly resenting your home, your children and your life together? I think it’s valid to dig into that.
He should be embarrassed. Not just because it was rude, but because it was such a stupid thing to say on multiple levels. Like yeah, you were a prize, not a trap, clearly. But also, his logic is just so bad. If y’all had sex only one time, you were on birth control, he didn’t even orgasm, I can see him being a tiny bit suspicious. But his brilliant logic is, we threw buckets and buckets of sperm at your system over the years, and eventually evolution pulled a hat trick, CLEARLY THIS IS FOUL PLAY!
Dumb as a brick.
Baby trapping is usually to trap someone into a long term relationship for emotional reasons I’ve found but your joke was funny anyway.
Definitely baby trapped him.
I just can’t help but think he’s going to have a long way to go to mend this breach…if he wants to. I’d be saying you feel trapped? There’s the door honey, no one is stopping you.
Bro tried to embarrass you and you gave him the Ole uno reverse. Nta.
Def need to have a conversation about yalls future, though, because he clearly has some ki d of resentment. Not because of the ‘joke’ but because of his incredibly immature response. It’s been a week and he is still pouting?
Does he think pregnancy risk goes down the longer you’ve been someone? His math ain’t mathing
NTA – he is the one said baby trapped. How else should you have responded? If anything he owes you an apology for his disrespectful and embarrassing comment. He knew exactly what he was insinuating and you just cleared up what he lying about
I dont know if i could forgive his comments. He should be groveling
Am I taking crazy pills here?
They were telling jokes and Husband told one.
Then you started railroading him, being cruel on purpose.
Are you sure you friends think you aren’t the asshole here?
Everyone here is fucking insane for suggesting you aren’t the asshole.
YTA majorly.
NTA, he didn’t like the consequences of his actions. Hope you guys can clear things up sober. 😅
Are you sure he didn’t baby trap you??? Like actually ? This is such a weird comment to make 💀
NTA
Girl, he trapped you.
Uhm he embarrassed himself by bringing it up lmfao
Lots of horrible advice at the top. I would start by examining the statement “don’t dish it out if you can’t take it” feelings should never be a competition. You don’t need the last word. If you embarrassed him in your drunken state, apologize. Understand that you may have, in his eyes, called him worthless. Albeit “at the time” there is no joke in there.
Write down each question you asked him and then the answers underlined.
Hand the paper to him and tell him you won’t tolerate being spoken to this way.
Then you give him the silent treatment. Don’t allow him to treat you this way. NTA
He feels trapped when he’s the one who impregnated you while he was a broke boy (shouldn’t sleep with a broke boy btw). You might as well set him free. 🧚✨
NTA – he FA now he’s in FO phase. This better be the last of these kind of comments.
I think that a husband or wife should never intentionally embarrass the other in front of other people.
I think it’s hurtful, embarrassing, and very cruel.
L