So a while ago now my (f35) current partner (m35) was asked to clear the garage of the home he still co-owns with his ex (f32).
He agreed, even though 90% of the contents weren’t his, but told his ex that I would be present as it’d require two car loads to get it all out and to the tip. She agreed to this, so was fully aware I’d be there. She also asked him to let the dogs out whilst we were there.
Now at this point they had been split up for about a year and were still fairly amicable, she was aware of me and for the most part had been civil. So anyway, we clear the garage and are filthy, like to the point where I wasn’t even able to see the skin on my hands as I’m so caked in dust, oil, mud etc. My partner tells me to go into the kitchen to wash my hands before we set off (the kitchen in the home he still to this day co-owns).
I go in, I wash my hands and I clear the sink of any mess I made and I left. I was in the kitchen for maybe 2 minutes. Didn’t look at anything except the doorway and the sink, didn’t attempt to move into the house and didn’t touch anything other than a tap and a cloth.
We go back to our cars and then the ex is ringing my partner, absolutely raging that I’d gone in to wash my hands. She then started sending me absolutely vile messages calling me every name under the sun, accused me of stealing money and kicking a dog. She’d set up a hidden camera. She then took screenshots of me walking in looking like a hideous ghoul as I’m filthy, posts all over social media and invites people to actually attack me.
This has been an ongoing saga, she will not let this drop. I apologised even though really I don’t feel I did anything wrong. She knew I was going to be there, had even given permission, then went mental about me using a tap in the house she owns with my partner.
Am I the AH here?
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So a while ago now my (f35) current partner (m35) was asked to clear the garage of the home he still co-owns with his ex (f32).
He agreed, even though 90% of the contents weren’t his, but told his ex that I would be present as it’d require two car loads to get it all out and to the tip. She agreed to this, so was fully aware I’d be there. She also asked him to let the dogs out whilst we were there.
Now at this point they had been split up for about a year and were still fairly amicable, she was aware of me and for the most part had been civil. So anyway, we clear the garage and are filthy, like to the point where I wasn’t even able to see the skin on my hands as I’m so caked in dust, oil, mud etc. My partner tells me to go into the kitchen to wash my hands before we set off (the kitchen in the home he still to this day co-owns).
I go in, I wash my hands and I clear the sink of any mess I made and I left. I was in the kitchen for maybe 2 minutes. Didn’t look at anything except the doorway and the sink, didn’t attempt to move into the house and didn’t touch anything other than a tap and a cloth.
We go back to our cars and then the ex is ringing my partner, absolutely raging that I’d gone in to wash my hands. She then started sending me absolutely vile messages calling me every name under the sun, accused me of stealing money and kicking a dog. She’d set up a hidden camera. She then took screenshots of me walking in looking like a hideous ghoul as I’m filthy, posts all over social media and invites people to actually attack me.
This has been an ongoing saga, she will not let this drop. I apologised even though really I don’t feel I did anything wrong. She knew I was going to be there, had even given permission, then went mental about me using a tap in the house she owns with my partner.
Am I the AH here?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I’m worried I’m not seeing it objectively and I’m possibly underestimating the impact this could’ve had. I can tend to be defensive when I don’t think I’m wrong and want an objective view on the situation
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA, I would be looking into getting a lawyer involved and threatening her with harassment and defamation
I think it’s pretty obvious you are NTA.What is your partner’s explanation for her behavior? Does she have any history of this kind of extreme reaction?
A gentle YTA
Mostly just not very street smart of you. A bunch of verbal agreements, maybe a text message, is not going to hold up against video of you entering another person’s house.
Given how careful bf was to establish boundaries beforehand, it’s hard to imagine that you all did not know she was capable of this. Sure a reasonable person would not react this way to your actions as described. But again, sounds like you both knew you were not dealing with a very reasonable person.
Next time you are dealing with someone who has an axe to grind, stay strictly within the lines. Sorry this happened to you, but it was preventable.
INFO: why does your partner still co-own a home with her?
EDIT: yeah, I know it’s common. I’m asking OP what the reason is, because there are many possibilities, and I didn’t want to guess at a reason. I’m sure she knows why.
NTA. You needed to wash your hands and you didn’t mess with anything else.
NTA….Your partner needs to end this now.
And you go on social media and call her out on her lies.
NTA but someone doesn’t overreact like this out of nowhere. People don’t generally behave in a civil and reasonable manner for a year then suddenly have this kind of insane overreaction. I suspect your BF has seen this type of unhinged behavior from her before and should have anticipated it.
Take the high road, don’t take her bait and try to defend yourself online. Just ignore her and it will become clear to everyone who matters that you didn’t do anything wrong. She just wants attention.
Going to go with ESH, but only by a hair’s breadth.
There were obviously no allowances made for you to use an interior restroom, or you would have gone there. But you figured the kitchen is probably close enough to the garage, communal enough to not trigger the ex. You were wrong. You’re cleaning her shit out of the garage to manage her emotions already.
Even if your partner still co-owns the house, they do not live there. You shouldn’t have gone inside someone else’s living space without permission. Exterior spiggots would have been a safer choice. You made an assumption, it was a bad call.
Ex is way over the line and obviously still full of toddler level feelings about the break up. I agree with other commenter’s, you should file a report and follow up on the defamation.
NTA.
INFO: your BF still co-owns the house and gave you permission to enter and wash your hands, so is he responsible for dealing with his ex? I’d rather ask him to talk to her and stop her harassment as this is his house as well.
NTA
Report her to the police. She’s posted a photo of you online that she took without your knowledge and is inciting hate against you.
NTA, I am confused though. Does she live in the house? Why was he clearing the garage if so?
has she seen you before? it would be funny if, even filthy, she was jealous of how you look. that was too extreme a reaction out of ‘nowhere’.
YTA and he is too for bringing you to take care of his responsibilities and telling you to go in the house. She’s horrible, too. In fact, run from the whole situation. His prior choices reflect his values and character.
NTA
If this is all there is to it, get a lawyer. She needs to be taught a lesson that she can’t lie like that