My soon to be ex-husband and I have owned a house together for six years. We both have had jobs that pay almost the same, I bring home a little bit more because he pays child support. So in the time that we have owned a home together all bills, mortgage, housework, etc. has been paid equally between us because we have the same bank account and bring in the same amount. We have one child together and I know you are all going to come at me for this but I’m not asking for any child support, it would help me a lot but I don’t need it to survive. He is a deadbeat and I want him to have the ability to just leave our lives without anything holding him back. He agreed on 80/20 custody.
I don’t want the house, but he does which is fine. We had the house appraised as soon as we separated so we will know exactly how much equity we had in it when I moved out. We have been separated for five months so my name has still been on the house until we get this divorce finished. At first I was just going to have it to where if he ever sells it he has to give me X amount of equity, but my lawyer has advised to cut ties with the house and have him buy me out because with the economy right now there’s no telling if it’s going to crash and we lose all of that equity. If I did that it would mean he has to not only refinance the house but then add on the amount of my equity portion onto his new mortgage. He more than likely won’t be able to make these mortgage payments if that happens and will end up having to sell it. So of course he is very mad about this and says that I am a horrible greedy person trying to ruin his life, and his family says that I am taking his kids’ home away and why can’t I just leave the money there.
If the equity amount was a couple thousand dollars I really wouldn’t care and just say whatever keep it, but it’s actually a very large amount of money, more than I make in a year. I feel like this is a very reasonable thing to ask for and is fairly normal on this type of situation. Do I feel bad that he might have to sell the house? Yes. But then I remember all of the shit he put me and his kids through and think karma is a bitch. So am I the asshole for expecting to get the money from our home that I helped pay for?
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My soon to be ex-husband and I have owned a house together for six years. We both have had jobs that pay almost the same, I bring home a little bit more because he pays child support. So in the time that we have owned a home together all bills, mortgage, housework, etc. has been paid equally between us because we have the same bank account and bring in the same amount. We have one child together and I know you are all going to come at me for this but I’m not asking for any child support, it would help me a lot but I don’t need it to survive. He is a deadbeat and I want him to have the ability to just leave our lives without anything holding him back. He agreed on 80/20 custody.
I don’t want the house, but he does which is fine. We had the house appraised as soon as we separated so we will know exactly how much equity we had in it when I moved out. We have been separated for five months so my name has still been on the house until we get this divorce finished. At first I was just going to have it to where if he ever sells it he has to give me X amount of equity, but my lawyer has advised to cut ties with the house and have him buy me out because with the economy right now there’s no telling if it’s going to crash and we lose all of that equity. If I did that it would mean he has to not only refinance the house but then add on the amount of my equity portion onto his new mortgage. He more than likely won’t be able to make these mortgage payments if that happens and will end up having to sell it. So of course he is very mad about this and says that I am a horrible greedy person trying to ruin his life, and his family says that I am taking his kids’ home away and why can’t I just leave the money there.
If the equity amount was a couple thousand dollars I really wouldn’t care and just say whatever keep it, but it’s actually a very large amount of money, more than I make in a year. I feel like this is a very reasonable thing to ask for and is fairly normal on this type of situation. Do I feel bad that he might have to sell the house? Yes. But then I remember all of the shit he put me and his kids through and think karma is a bitch. So am I the asshole for expecting to get the money from our home that I helped pay for?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I told my husband I want half the equity in our house.
2. It may cause him to have to sell it.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA.
You’re not asking for anything outrageous, you’re asking for your share of an asset you co-owned and equally contributed to. That’s not greedy, that’s just how equity works. If the roles were reversed, I’m sure he’d want his cut too.
yes you should get him to buy you out. Would be very stupid to wait for him to sell and get a cheque. What if he never sells? what if he does sell but then u r too old to enjoy it? get him to buy you out and if he don’t wanna do what your lawyer says but at the end of the day get the bag NOW!
Also nta. I feel he is doing this out of spite/ sexism/ both. Never value your contribution perhaps. But get that bag pleaseeee! If u r worried about the value increasing on the house you can always invest the said money on gold or something
NTA. This was an issue during my parents’ divorce, and my mom was absolutely entitled to her share. The judge agreed, so my Dad sold the house, they split the profits, everyone made money (especially the lawyers).
NTA Not in any way. He’s a deadbeat not wanting equal custody and not wanting to pay the expenses of his own kid. Instead of letting his kid live in the house he wants it for himself. And not only that, he doesn’t want to pay for it either.
If you don’t want the money he owns your kid (which indeed I think is not right), because you want him out of your lives as much as possible, you have to be consistent and also sell your half of the house.
I don’t understand why you’d ever even consider financially helping the man who screws over your own kid.
NTA
You are divorcing. Splitting finances is part of that. He doesn’t get to hold on to your part of the equity. I mean, why on earth would he?
NTA. This also feels like a continuing source of stress if you don’t deal with it now. What happens in a couple years if the hot water heater goes, or the roof gets a leak? Is he going to expect you to chip in for that to protect your equity? You’re already going to be dealing with a lot with custody and child support issues, I’d try to get rid of any other connections and sources of stress.
NTA. Definitely a situation of no good deed goes unpunished. No one is acknowledging that you are giving up child support when you are definitely entitled to it, and if he is as much of a deadbeat as he appears, he will lose the house (including your share) quickly.
NTA
I’ve never gone through a divorce, but I know plenty of people who have. I think that what you’re asking for in your divorce is fairly common, and completely reasonable, especially considering that you aren’t asking your soon to be ex for child support.
NTA
This is a very normal part of divorce that millions of people go through. One partner buying out the other, or selling the house is the typical day-to-day stuff.
They’re only acting like you’re doing something wrong because they are the greedy ones.
> just going to have it to where if he ever sells it he has to give me X amount of equity
There’s zero guarantee that he will give you the money in the future IF he sells the house.
Listen to your lawyer and get it sorted sooner rather than later.
NTA but get what you are owed and walk. He could destroy the house and sell it for a fraction of its worth. It could burn down and if he canceled the insurance you will get nothing. Do NOT trust this man to be fair to you. He is only going to screw you over again.
NTA, but if you don’t follow your attorney’s advice, you will probably regret it. I let my ex sign a promissory note to pay me monthly for my share of the equity in the house we owned together. He made a few payments, then lost his job, and always had excuses about why he couldn’t pay. Since we often had disagreements on child support, I chose to fight that battle over the equity battle, so I lot a lot of money. For me, it was worth it to not have to have much contact with him. But my attorney told me to make him sell the house or buy me out immediately and I didn’t listen.
As far as child support, depending on where you live, you may not have the option of letting him off the hook. The courts determine child support and consider it a more important obligation than mortgages or car loans or anything else.
NTA. It sounds like you are making too many allowances for this man. Sell the house and get what’s owed to you. If the child is his, he needs to pay child support. Protect yourself and your child. Don’t let him bully you.
NTA. Not even a little bit.
You contributed equally to the house, both financially and in terms of labor, so it’s completely fair that you receive your share of the equity. This isn’t about greed; it’s about securing what you rightfully earned. Your lawyer is giving you solid advice: protecting your financial future is important, especially in an uncertain economy.
Your ex’s anger is misdirected. If he can’t afford to buy you out, that’s his financial problem, not yours. His family’s guilt-tripping is emotional manipulation. You’re not “taking his kids’ home away.” He is the one who would be choosing to sell (if it comes to that) because he can’t manage the refinancing. That’s on him, not you.
And let’s be real. If the roles were reversed. Would he hesitate to take his share? Probably not. You’re being more than fair by not pursuing child support (which you absolutely could and should if you ever need it).
Stand your ground. You deserve the financial stability that your hard work paid for. Karma is a bitch, but in this case, you’re just making sure justice is served.
NTA. Get a court order that lists the amount owed and put a lien on the house, so you are covered until it is paid.
NTA
You have a lawyer. You’re following their advice. -fin