Back in December my husband and I found out that we were expecting our first babies- twins!. I was still really early on in the pregnancy, only 6 weeks when we found out and we decided that we would like to only tell our parents and their partners (all remarried), so that we had a support system and someone to share the happy news with whilst we waited to tell all our family and friends at a lower risk time. Despite having previous issues with my dad’s wife, we had been getting on more recently and I decided to trust her with this. We specifically told my dad and his wife that this news was not to be shared to anyone else at this time in the pregnancy. Fast forward 2 weeks later, it comes to light that my dad and his wife had visited my auntie and cousins, and whilst drunk my dad’s wife told them all that I was pregnant, I was extremely hurt and stressed by this because I am very close with that side of the family and really looked forward to telling them the news, I made it clear to my dad’s wife after this happened that I did not wish to speak to her. Fast forward another two weeks, my husband and I loose one of the babies. My dad is basically silent with me during this time, not really reaching out to see how I am etc, and then when I see him a month later he tells me that not only did his wife tell my family I was pregnant, but my dad also told them I was having twins. So now I’m in a position where I have to tell my family that I didn’t even tell I was pregnant, that I am not having twins anymore. At this stage I tell my dad he’s only being forgiven because he’s my dad and I want him to have a relationship with my child, however due to this being a constant pattern with his wifes behaviour I do not wish to have contact with her anymore- just to give some context on my relationship with her, she told me she didn’t want to be at my wedding and she was upset when me and husband bought a house, and still I tried to maintain a relationship with her. Anyway my dad came over yesterday and has asked me to forgive his wife, claiming to me that we all just need to move on so that my dad can have a better relationship with my baby who is now due in four weeks. I’m going to tell him no, absolutely not. I feel he’s cheeky to ask considering I forgave him for making a bad period in my life even worse than what it had to be. AITAH or am I being unreasonable that I don’t want her in me or my families life?
AITAH for finally cutting off my dad’s wife?
r/AITAH
Comments
I am sorry to say this, but ESH.
The truism that only three people can keep a secret if two are dead holds. If you don’t want people to share news, you simply cannot tell them. You’ve also, unfortunately, found out why many couples hold off until 3 months to drop the news to family and friends.
It sounds like there is far more anger against the stepmother than simply the fact that her loose lips sink ships. Trying to ice out half of a married couple forever isn’t going to happen. You can reduce her visits to your house, but families generally share holidays and celebrations, and as your Dad’s wife, she’s going to show up at some of those moments.
Perhaps looking up how to Grey Rock can help you move forward. It involves giving the minimal responses so a person doesn’t have anything to grasp onto the start drama.
Wishing you the very best for a seamless delivery and happy and healthy baby.
NTA – don’t tell dad you have had the baby, until well after you have had the baby. Maybe let him see it when you tell everyone else.
The only way your dad will learn his lesson is if you go LC with him, just tell him for now he isn’t welcome at your home or to see his grandchild until he respects your boundaries. You’re near the finish line you need to focus on you and your baby now not your father and his controlling wife. They’re not important. If you have support from your other family members lean on them but make it clear to anyone you don’t want to hear anyone pleading on behalf of your father and his wife as its nobodies business. She was given a chance and blew it.
I don’t think you ATAH and totally understand why you don’t want anything to do with this woman. But realistically it will be very difficult for your dad to be a part of your child’s life without his wife tagging along. Your dad will have to figure that out. I am curious though why his wife did not want to go to your wedding and why she would be mad that you bought a house. That sounds bizarre.
NTA. You are not being unreasonable. You need to focus on yourself and your child. Neither of you need this stress. Put the whole issue away until after you are home and comfortable and life with baby is settling in. Have a happy birthing experience and congratulations!!
It is kind of amazing how when we become a parent we suddenly develop the strength to set boundaries to protect our child from toxic people, boundaries that we had every right to set YEARS ago to protect ourselves, but never did.
It sounds as though she has been mean to you and crossed boundaries with you many times over the years. It is finally time to stop her access to you. You have finally found the determination now that it is for your baby! Good for you.
As to what your father does, how he reacts – don’t let that concern you in the least. If he wants to come see his grandchild, he will have to come to your home without his wife or not come at all. If you all cross paths at a family gathering, you will not have anything to say to his wife, and he will have to learn to live with that.
Not a chance. You’ll now have a constant reminder from family that only one baby survived. Of course you would never forget but at least over time you could hopefully put it to one side in your mind. No family would have known so it would have been easier. Because of her betrayal you’ll always feel the looks or whisperings between family. What she did was unforgivable and what happened proves the very reason it was to be kept secret
Don’t be relatives with anyone you wouldn’t be friends with….
He’s just continuing to tell you that his wife’s feelings are more important than yours. Honestly I think that’s a little unforgivable
100% NTA. Their behavior was awful. And at her age, she still gets so drunk that she can’t control what she says? Disgusting. She’s completely untrustworthy.