I (26F) went out to dinner with a friend (27F) who I’ve known for years. She’s someone I care about deeply, but lately, I’ve started to feel taken advantage of. This isn’t the first time she’s “forgotten” her wallet, it’s probably the fifth. Every time, I’ve covered it without saying much because I didn’t want to make her feel bad.
But the truth is, it does make me feel bad. I’m not made of money. I’m struggling too, just more quietly, I guess.
Before we met up this time, I told her honestly that I could only pay for myself. She said that was fine. But when the bill came, she looked at me like she expected me to fix it again. And when I said I couldn’t, she got cold and upset, ended up calling her boyfriend to pay. Later she messaged me saying I embarrassed her and made her feel small.
What hurts is that I wasn’t trying to be mean. I just felt like if I said yes one more time, I’d be saying it was okay to keep being treated like my boundaries didn’t matter.
I feel awful for how it played out… but I also feel like I needed to stand up for myself.
Comments
You’re not wrong for choosing self-respect over people-pleasing. If saying no ends a friendship, it wasn’t a friendship—it was a transaction.
NTA. If this is what destroys your friendship with her, then you probably didn’t have much of a genuine friendship in the first place. You even mentioned before the dinner that you were only covering yourself. Seems like she was using you for free meals. I always say that most friendships are built on both people needing each other, until they don’t need each other. It is part of life sadly.
NTA. You told her before dinner. She still conveniently forgot her wallet. She’s a leech, not a friend. If she calls again, just say you’re not interested.
You told her in advance that you can’t pay and somehow you’re the bad guy. Its because you arent friends. You are someone she can get free stuff from
NTA.
You made it clear you could not cover her.
The fact that she even tried to still get you to do so is clearly her trying to take advantage.
Thus making it worse by manipulating you, using her feelings as a weapon to make you feel bad.
She is too grown to be forgetting and expecting you to just figure it out.
Even in the past you should have asked her to reimburse you for every single time you had to pay for her without consent.
Make it clear going further if she does try to make you pick up her tab. You will request it back to be paid or expect to be covered in full by her next time.
There is no reason for you to feel bad.
Good on you for standing up for yourself
NTAH.
She’s got a boyfriend? Let her save that nonsense for him if he buys into it.
I would suggest you remind her that she agreed to pay her own half before you went to dinner.
I suggest you just stop going out to meals with her and maybe just go for walks or something where you don’t actually stop and are put in a position where you need to pay for stuff .
NTA. Next time pick restaurants that have you pay at the counter first before you get your food. This way you can bail if she forgets her wallet again.
What part of ‘I can only pay for myself’ didn’t she understand. You told her before going out. If she felt bad its her own doing.
Does some version of this story get posted at least once a day?
NTA. Your ‘friend’ is using you as an ATM. You set a clear boundary. She ignored it and tried to guilt you. The only person who embarrassed her was herself by assuming your money was hers to spend. Real friends don’t weaponize ‘kindness’ to avoid responsibility.
NTA – This person is not a friend, but a leech. You were a lot more patient with her than I would have been (I use the 3 strikes you’re out rule). Stop feeling an awful, and be proud you stood up for yourself.
Don’t ya love users and how they make you feel bad for their usage? Don’t fall for her crap. She is a manipulator and knows what she’s doing. Remember this, as my grandfather used to say, “if you die with one true friend you’re a lucky man.” And as my wife says, “the only friend you have in this life is your pocket, all others are acquaintances.” Trust me, if your pocket runs dry so will most of your “friends”. Sorry you’re dealing with such a selfish manipulating person. Time to be done with relationships that aren’t mutual.
Fuck your friend. Find a new friend. This one just uses you for dinner
Your “friend” is a deadbeat who is enabled by those around her.
NTA, you told her upfront and she didn’t disagree with you when you said you could only pay your own way.
I’ve read this same story so many times recently! Ugh
I read somewhere once that if you’re a “giver,” then you need to know your limits. The “takers” have no such boundaries, and will gradually bleed you dry. You did the right thing.
She knew what to expect before you even went out and she’s played the game too many times before. I’m glad that you stay true to yourself and said no. Maybe next time she will think twice about asking
Well!!! She outed herself, didn’t she? You told her and she ignored it.
your friend was taking advantage of you , not a true friend IMO after the second diner I would have stopped asking her to diner anymore
> Later she messaged me saying I embarrassed her and made her feel small.
Bro you told her beforehand that you could only pay for yourself. I don’t get it.
Second of all, you don’t “make her” feel small. And you don’t really “embarrass” her. She’s choosing to feel those things herself. She doesn’t realize that yet though.
I’d also extend this to you. You said “The truth is, it does make me feel bad.” The truth is you have agency in how you feel. It can’t “make you” feel bad. It is a choice to feel bad about this, because you feel you need to feel bad about this.
I think addressing the emotional truth of what’s going on here is more effective than slapping labels onto people here. Both people are feelings things, ultimately, and trying to figure out how to manage those feelings. One way is to take ownership of your emotions and realize your agency in what you feel – that you are choosing to feel it. It’s not being thrust upon you. You are choosing to feel these things because you feel you need to.
She is manipulating you! You told her you weren’t paying for her, but yet when you didn’t pay for her, she said you made her feel small?!? WTF
I’m a male so I’m at a disadvantage, but I’ll plow on anyway. The second time she “lost her wallet” you should have called her out, but you didn’t and she continued to mooch. Total up the amounts she owes you, tell her what it is and say “I hope you won’t let such a small thing come between us”.
NTA. The old “forgot my wallet” excuse is sooo 20th century. When my four sisters and I go out to dinner, one person puts it on their credit card and the rest of us Venmo our share to the one who paid. And guess what? We’re all BOOMERS!
Your friend is not your friend. You’re a wallet to her and that is your primary use. When you stopped being useful she threw a temper tantrum and tried to gaslight you. Since you’ve clearly covered multiple times before she probably think (or knows) you’re a doormat and will eventually pay if she pressures you enough. The fact you’re even still talking to this person lets her know you have no self-esteem. Good job on finally standing up for yourself but cut this person off. It’ll cost you if you keep enabling her (literally).
Easy. (1)Don’t go for dinner with her anymore. I mean wtf is she doing going for dinner when she knows she can’t afford it. Fuck me that’s super rude of her and you could tell her that too. You could do it in a nice way of out yourself in my shoes and imagine how used you’d feel. Send it in a message if you’re uncomfortable saying it to her face or option 1
Why can’t you just meet in the park and go for a walk and catch up
NTA – she should feel awful. Not you. She did that to herself. If you EVER go out with her again, get the cash up front before you enter the restaurant.
I would have just left my wallet at home. NTA
Sounds like a mooch more than a friend.
no guilt- “friend” uses you- time to move on.
NTA – you told her upfront. If you had simply decide afterwards to draw the line, it might be able to be argued differently (though even then it would be a stretch to be honest) as she would have been unaware of the situation. But she cracked in with the meal anyway. Obviously she thought she could get you to cave one more time anyway.
Add to the top of this that she has to audacity to try and call you out on it, says one thing… You need new friends. She isn’t a friend… She is a leech that is using you.
You’re not the asshole for saying no. You were honest upfront, set a boundary, and stuck to it. She chose to ignore that, and that’s on her, not you.
Why meet up over restaurant meals every time when that’s become the pattern? If she’s still such a close friend of yours there ARE other Options. You could cook a nice meal at home. You could each make your own meal and Meet Up somewhere over a picnic. You could just meet for Coffee.
Often if YOU are always suggesting meals in restaurants then You may be expected to pay. Try to avoid that situation all together. She’ll never change and unless you don’t care if it costs you your friendship, then just keep doin what you’re doin.
Good for you for standing up for yourself.
NTAH. She’s showing who she really is and how important your friendship is to her. Are you paying attention?
YTA
she already stiffed you 5X
NTA
She’s just reacting how a controlling/manipulating person would. She needs you to feel shame so you’ll get back in line. Stand your ground but no need to fight over it, just brush it off and if she wants to hang out again say yes and see how it goes, then you’ll know if you got through.
NTA
She’s a shit friend
NTA. You’ve been a doormat for her in the past and she thought it would be the same regardless of your statement from the get go.
You told her ahead of time that you could only cover yourself. I don’t know how much clearer you could be. She showed up to dinner without money, but wants you to feel bad about it???? Block her. She’s inconsiderate and not a friend, someone who cared about you would not act like this.
To her, you’re not a friend. You are a free meal pass. NTA.
Every part of her actions not paying were super intentional, and obviously have been the last 5 times you went out. The fact that you told her ahead of time, she still tried to force you to pay, and then had the gall to try and make you feel guilty, tells you they think of you as their own personal dinner out atm. That’s not a friend, that’s a wallet vampire.
absolutely 10000% NTA you did nothing wrong here and you explicitly said you could only pay for yourself so she has absolutely no right to say you ‘embarrassed’ her. her having you pay for her every time before was wrong but after you made it clear you couldn’t pay for her? that’s insane. i’m sorry you’re being treated this way it’s not fair and you don’t deserve to be made to feel guilty about it
Oh you forgot your wallet? No problem they accept phone tap n pay. I’m sure she has her phone with her. Leeches make terrible friends
Still going without bringing a form of payment after being told “I can only afford to pay for myself” is a very bold, extremely disgusting, thing to do. It reeks of entitlement and shitty personness.