So… I’ve been married for a little over a year. Things aren’t perfect, but we’ve been figuring it out. Or at least trying to. I don’t know how else to say it his mom is driving me insane. Like, slowly and painfully. She moved to our city a few months ago “to be closer,” and at first I thought it was sweet. She’d visit, bring food, ask how we were doing. But then it started. The questions. The little comments. Like, “Oh, you’re spending that much on groceries?” or “Maybe don’t get takeout this week those add up, you know.” And then it got worse. She started going over our budget. OUR budget. I’m talking spreadsheets, receipts, even the app we use. I don’t even know how she got access to it turns out he shared it with her. Said it’s “just so she can help us stay on track.” Help?? She’s not helping. She’s controlling. Last week, she texted me about our electric bill. Said I need to “watch how much laundry I do.” I stared at my phone for a good ten minutes, just shaking. I felt sick. I work full time. I pay bills. I clean, cook, handle most of the errands. And now I have a third parent monitoring my f*cking washer usage? So I finally said something. I told her, flat out “I appreciate your concern, but this is our household. We need to manage our budget on our own.”
I was polite. Firm. Not yelling, not cursing. Just honest. She didn’t respond at first. But a day later, she sent this long text to my husband about how I was “disrespectful” and “pushing her away.” And now he’s weird with me. Quiet. Distant. Like I’m the one who messed up. I’m exhausted. I don’t even know how to feel. I wanted to set a boundary but now everything feels worse. So… Aitah?
Comments
You have a Husband problem ..
NTA. He needs to stand with his wife and not with his mom. Set your boundaries and stick to them.
NTA
You have a husband problem. Not a MIL problem
Tell your husband to grow a spine, because if SHES the one driving a wedge and if he doesn’t pick you he never will. You’ll know where you stand with you mommy’s boy
So the theme of the sub right now for the karma farmers is “Mil is a battle axe” “Hubby/partner doesn’t back me up”
It will only get worse with your relationship with your husband get counseling together and set a strong boundary to the mil. You will regret this marriage very soon. Your husband needs a wake up call it’s you or his mother.
NTA, the bigger problem is your husband. The fact that he didn’t consult you in the first place about giving his mom information about your finances is a red flag. A sit-down to discuss this issue is needed STAT. If he seems reserved or defensive about his mom, then I would bring up a marriage counselor, as her claws have been locked in him, and he’s not going to see the bigger picture without a 3rd party. For issues like this, he needs to be the one to address his mother, not you, because, like you just saw, she will twist it in a way to make you look like the bad guy. Solving the lack of spine, husband, will make the MIL’s problem easier to manage.
You are NTA. This is insane. I would take a little bit of a breather then research couples counselors in your area and lawyers (do not google divorce lawyers go to your states bar association website then search divorce lawyers)
The unfortunate truth is you cannot fix this problem by yourself and if he doesnt want to be an adult and suck his thumb with mommy your relationship will be an awkward thrupple with you on the bottom until she dies or he grows a spine.
I would also recommend you triple check birth control or even better tell him that until his mom stops trying to parent you he doesnt get sex because his lack of adult behavior is too unattractive. I can only imagine how his mom would back seat mom and would probably want to kill her myself personally.
In a calm way tell him you need to have an adult conversation present him with the couples counseling and say that you cannot live in your home the way things are so this chapter will be ending and you want him to come with you into the next chapter. Give him a chance (only if you want to if you are ready to saddle up go for it) and put a timer on it. Mommy in law needs to stop parenting me by halloween and you need to stop sharing all our financial information immediately and work to step in and enforce a boundary for my peace. It will probably take him a few months to develop this.
I am so sorry that you are in this situation divorce sucks and is expensive and gut wrenchingly heartbreaking when you have to do it because you find out your partner is a giant child with no intention of growing up. I speak from experience here my whole life got destroyed and it was so devastating but a few months later i was the happiest i had been in the past couple years. I had my life back and didnt have a grown child to care for. I wish you safety and luck no matter what road you choose to walk!
Yeah, this is not an inlaw problem so much as it’s a husband problem. You should have seen it when he handed your collective finances over to mommy. Did she balance his bank account before you got married? Tell him to cut the cord already.
I would give him a couple of years to grow up, and if he does not, do NOT have kids with this adult toddler. First he will let her name them, and then she will be telling you how to raise them!
As someone with an overbearing mil that occasionally needs reminded of her place, and the husband reminded hes MY husband HER son, don’t balk.
NTA. Good luck with your husband. Doesn’t sound like he will ever have your back.
You did not mess up ! You spoke clearly and as an adult. Your husband needs to have a chat with himself about which household is his core family. He needs to stop sharing your combined information NTA but you need to fix this behaviour sooner than later.
Not another overbearing MIL with a spineless husband. Your husband is the issue here, not his mom. She will only do what he allows her to and he’s given her carte blanche to your life. Tell your husband exactly how you feel and that he needs to deal with his mother. It’s not her marriage, not her household and not her life. Tell him that if you don’t feel that you are the most important person in his life and you have his unconditional support then there is no way this marriage will work. And trust me…that’s not an exaggeration. Please, please, please don’t have kids with this man until this issue is worked out.
NYA Just have to use a little more tact … go to your hubby and explain the situation … his mother his deal
Texting is a horrible way to communicate, especially on touch subjects. I suggest a sit down. You, her and your husband. Tell him what you’re going to say before hand. That you appreciate her help, but you guys need to figure things out on your own. I just wonder if your MIL is acting as a mouthpiece for things your husband doesn’t feel like he can say to you directly? Of course that’s a conversation you two should have separately.
r/justNoMiL
Someone needs to inform your husband that:
You, whatever kids he ever has with you, and He, are: HIS FAMILY that He Must TeamWork-With Respect Love PRIORITIZE Build DEFEND
Failing to do this is violation betrayal of the marriage thus grounds for divorce
r/justNoMiL
r/HEALTHYboundaries
r/entitled
r/iamthemaincharacter
r/marriedtoAmamchild
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r/justNoMiL
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On your next marriage make sure the umbilical cord is cut first.
NTA
Nta.
Own honey… You don’t have a MIL problem… You have a MANBABY problem. I don’t always say to divorce. But if you can’t talk with him like a grown up sometimes it’s better to cut your losses because people change when they wanna change not because you want them to.
The fact that he shared your personal finances with her to “help stay on track” without discussing it with you FIRST says it all. She is driving this marriage and you are a back seat passenger.
Think back in the relationship. Didn’t any of this come up while you were dating or engaged? No red flags?
NTA but you are in for a very unhappy marriage.
Your husband is the issue. I’d start there. Tell him that YOU are not comfortable with him sharing this level of privacy and financial information. His information was given to his mother without your knowledge or consent. That is a breach of trust, and he blew it.
If he has problems staying on budget, then he needs to talk to you, not his mother.
Tell him that you will absolutely not be allowing his mother to police your spending or how many times you do laundry, and if he expects you to do that, this marriage is doomed.
You have a MASSIVE husband problem. It is literally part of a partner’s job to set boundaries with their family and enforce those boundaries. Not only did your husband not even attempt to do that, HE GAVE HER YOUR FINANCIAL INFORMATION. How else do you think she could be doing your budget?
You need to seriously think about this relationship. Your manbaby husband has no spine and is never going to stand up to his mommy. Is this how you want to live the rest of your life? You know you’re going to be the only one trying to deal with this and he’ll throw you under the bus before he confronts his mother.
Maybe consider this a failure and cut your losses. DO NOT GET PREGNANT.
updateme
Your husband had everything to do with this. He probably dropped some innuendo about the money and she decided to get involved.
But before you do anything with her you have to present as the united front from the two of you, because if not, then you are kind of setting up one against two or two against one or etc
I think MIL’s been watching too much too many episodes of The Dangerous Housewives series
This isn’t her, this is him. She wouldn’t be in it if he hadn’t let her. You have a husband problem.
Please don’t have a child with this man until he cuts his own umbilical cord.
Women like this don’t ever pull back on their own, he has to set the boundary with her otherwise she’ll continue to insert herself until she’s giving you sex tips. It’s enmeshed and it’s gross. They’re in love with their sons and she sees you as a rival.
Go over to JNMIL and see how bad it can get.
NTA unless you put up with this for one second.
There’s a lot of post all of a sudden with DIL being “polite. Firm. Not yelling, not cursing. Just honest”.
It’s starting to sound fake.
Hubby needs to pick a lane and deal with the consequences
NTA more than the MIL your husband is the problem..he should have been in your corner and put his foot down about such behaviour.
I got the feels this will end is divorce, thuy guys clearly married to his mother.
NTA you did the right thing in setting boundaries, if fact if she persists tell her to fuck off. I don’t understand how some men value their mothers over their wives. He needs to grow a backbone or leave.
With respect, it is so depressing, sad and very disconcerting that you did not see beforehand that your husband is callous gutless, mommy’s boy. You will not change him. File for divorce if you want to save your sanity and obtain any peace of mind.
NTA
Op, you and he need to be in couples counseling, because he needed to ask YOU if sharing that information with his mom was okay and he didn’t , and now that you’ve said something to her , and she’s hurt , he’s annoyed , but he doesn’t have a right to be.
There was a break down in communication and you and he need help to get back on track and it doesn’t come from his mother.
A therapist needs to know about this and honestly just the fact that she moved to be closer says a lot about her her relationship with her son, and her possible control issues.
Op, be honest and firm about the your feelings and what you need to move forward, so you and he can develop rules and boundaries to navigate the situation.
There is a chance that he doesn’t really know that this relationship is controlling, because it’s just the way it’s always been , but a few sessions with a therapist will open his eyes to all kinds things you both have missed.
Tell him the two of you are starting marriage counseling. If not, your marriage has no chance. (Source- divorce lawyer 40 years).
You have a problem with your husband, your mother-in-law does this control because your husband allows it