So here’s the deal. My husband and I I’m 24F, he’s 26M recently moved into a small rental house in Jersey. Nothing fancy, but we’re trying to make it our own. His mom lives like 15 minutes away, and she drops by a lot. Way more than I’d like, but whatever. Here’s where it gets bad. Every single time she’s over, she says something about my cooking. Like I’ll make something from scratch I’m talking full meal, hours of prep and she’ll say stuff like Oh, it’s a little salty, huh? or My son usually prefers it softer than this. Last week I made this roast chicken with garlic mashed potatoes. It wasn’t burnt. It wasn’t dry. It was honestly one of the best things I’ve made. She takes one bite and goes, “It’s okay… next time, maybe add lemon. Or butter. Or both.” Then she basically pushes her plate away like it’s fast food she didn’t ask for. I’ve tried to brush it off for months. I’ve tried smiling. I’ve tried asking her for recipes like I care.
Nothing works. She always finds something wrong, and it’s always in this fake sweet tone like she’s helping. But it doesn’t feel helpful. It feels like I’m being picked apart. So I snapped. I told her, flat out, Can you just let me cook in peace for once?” Not even yelling. Just tired. Defeated. She acted all shocked. Like I was the one who ruined the night. My husband didn’t say anything. He just sat there like a statue, probably hoping it would all go away. Now she won’t come over. She sent a passive aggressive text saying she won’t “interfere anymore. And my husband says I was too harsh and I should’ve just ignored it like before. I don’t think I was rude. I didn’t curse her out. I didn’t insult her back. I just asked to be left alone in my kitchen. But now it’s like I’m the villain. So, tell me… AITAH?
Comments
Not only do you have a MIL problem, you have a husband problem. He should stick up for you! NTA
NTA – 100% it’s on your husband. Newsflash to him, when he said “I do”, he is supposed to actually do something, like stand up for his wife.
FYI – Great time for him to start cooking.
What your husband means is shut up and deal with it because he doesn’t want to get the shit from mommy. You did the right thing squashing it, let her throw her little tantrum. If you let it go and keep ignoring it you’re just going to be 10 years in with children you’re not allowed to raise because his mommy does it better. Whilst she’s throwing her tantrum you should tell DH she needs to stop visiting so much too. At the very bare minimum she needs to ask before she turns up.
ESH. Your MiL shouldn’t have been griping you and you shouldn’t have snapped
Moving forward, talk to your MiL. Apologise for snapping at her and explain that the constant negativity hurt your feelings and suggest she only gives feedback when requested.
Your husband needs to grow a spine. Your mother in law is an insecure woman who can’t let her “baby boy” go. If she comes over agin then HE can cook.
He should have stood up for you and supported you by setting boundaries with his over zealous mother.
Edited to add: NTA
If she ever comes back, which of course she will, I would absolutely refuse to cook.
He’s a wimp who needs to realise.his first priority should be his wife and family.
The pair of them are disgusting!
If you are cooking and she turns up unexpectedly, tell him to either defend you, take over the cooking or piss off home to Mummy permanently!
UpdateMe!
So many Mama’s boys in the world! I had no idea. I’d be disappointed in my son’s if they let me harass their wives endlessly! NTA
Sounds like a win to me. She is offended and won’t come over. Great, don’t.
It’s time your husband cut mommy’s apron strings also.
NTA!! Your husband is a spineless mama boy. His mother is bullying you and thinks you should apologize!!
Buy smtg from expensive restaurant (or average) plate it as if you made it let her roast it and theb say wait a sec i will call that restaurant so you can make complain
updateme
This smells fake. Looks like it was generated with em dashes and OP just deleted them without changing the flow of the sentences.
NTA
From what I read you wasn’t rude you’re just tired of unasked criticism. It’s your home and hubby is fine with your cooking. Plus she can go cook in her home. Hey but look on the good side….she’s not stopping by
NTA – Her not coming over anymore is a win, I’d take it! Let her passive aggressiveness work in your favor.
Now that you have a reprieve from her coming over for a bit (she’s definitely going to come back eventually, I’d bet on it) you and your husband need to establish what boundaries you both agree on. Because the bigger issue is with your husband not your MIL. Why would he let his mother repeatedly insult your cooking and repeatedly enter your home when it bothers you? Why isn’t he cooking for your his mother? What is the happy medium of having his mother over for both of you? What does he say the next time she critiques your cooking instead of going into spineless statue mode?
And there is a possibility that he doesn’t think his mother did anything wrong or doesn’t want her over less. And then you have to figure out if that’s something you can live with and go from there.
NTA criticizing you is a way of claiming dominance in the relationship. Your husband should have handled it and spoken to his mother. When he did not, you did. Asking someone to let you cook in peace is not rude. Stopping by all the time and criticizing your host who has provided you dinner is totally rude.
Yes this was absolutely on your husband to step in and say actually mom I love this dish, it’s cooked to perfection. Since he didn’t, it led to the situation where you snapped. I think you have to stop caring about it. She complains? Say what a pity you don’t like it, I won’t prepare it for you again. She comments a second time? I can see you don’t enjoy or appreciate my efforts, so I won’t waste my time or yours by inviting you over again. Your husband has no spine so you need to grow one and let the nasty old hag discover that when you play bitch games, you win bitch prizes.
Next time she comes over at mealtime, hand her a box of cereal and tell her she doesn’t like what you cook, so this should work for her.
And ask hubby if he wants a bowl, as well.
NTA
> Now she won’t come over.
Good. Let it stay that way.
In this instance, your husband not taking a side is in fact taking his mother’s side. You’re not having a disagreement. She is being rude to you and you just asked her to stop. Now she’s crying that you dared to tell her to stop being disrespectful.
Is your husband usually a mama’s boy? Tell him to grow up and grow a spine.
You didn’t want her to come over. She’s not coming over. Win-win.
And maybe try using less salt and more butter and lemon.
My mom had similar issues with my grandma, her MIL, when my mom first married my dad. She said she finally had it and snapped, yelled at her, and then had a conversation about why she’d snapped and what was going on. After that, they got along great. Perhaps it would be worth having a hard, honest conversation since this woman will be in your life for a very long time.
Smacks of jealousy on moms side
NTA, maybe now you’ll get some peace from her nitpicking. She’s clearly trying to undermine you and your husband can’t see that because he’s a mummy’s boy.
NTA and dont say sorry, she Will just come back lol
stop cooking for your husband until he grows a spine
“Now she won’t come over. “
Sounds like a win to me. Your husband needs to rein his mother in. I’d never offer her a plate again, use the same sweet voice, “Oh No, you know you never like what I serve, I don’t want you to be unhappy”
TA ofc
NTA. Good riddance to MIL and hubby can get it too if he doesn’t get his mind right.
She knows exactly what she’s doing, and she’s trying to manipulate her son to be on “her side” in all of this. You need to speak to your husband about him taking his balls out of mommy’s pocket and him being an adult and a husband and telling her to stop behaving like she’s competing with you. Make no mistake, she will continue to put him in the middle for as long as he continues to tolerate her doing so. You’re NTA, but your spineless husband sure is. It’s his job to stand up for you. That’s what happens when you get married, or is what is supposed to happen. His inaction is basically a green light to her to her to continue to belittle and harass you. Tell hubby it’s time to be a man and put his wife first. Or he shouldn’t be married, cause no woman wants to be second best to his precious widdle mommy dearest.
NTA. “Now she won’t come over” [uninvited?]. Sounds like a win to me.
Youve a husband problem and a hovering mil. Nta. She is interfering and hes letting her
Wait, os this an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond? It sounds exactly like it! Damnit Deborah! 🤣
She won’t come over anymore??
Drop to your knees and thank the heavens for fate has smiled upon you.
NTA
Yay. She’s not coming over!!
She expects you to Beg her to come back.
You tell husband she’s not allowed over until she apologizes to you. You tell him he is an asshat and he needs to stop being a mommas boy and tell his mommy to back off.
Stop letting her in. Tell spouse that unless she is actively invited. It’s a no and until she apologizes it’s a no.
Read this. https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/77w8lf/dont_rock_the_boat/
Your hubs is used to her demands/actions. He knows her crazy so he placates her. He needs to understand you will not put up with her shenanigans not his placating her anymore.
And her taste buds are probs all wonky because they change as we age especially around menopause.
DO NOT GET PREGNANT UNTIL THIS WOMAN IS TAMED
NTA
Your husband needs to grow a pair and talk to his mother . You were not the AH. I would have told her to get out of my home . She has no right to give unsolicited advice .
Ding dong the witch is gone. So stop feeling bad. That is what she wants is for you to come begging to be forgiven. Instead enjoy you peaceful time because she will be back. No apology needed.
NTA. If she won’t come over then “Mission Accomplished”!
It sounds like she specifically “drops by” at meal times so that you will ask her to stay. In hindsight, it was probably a mistake to move so close to her.
Well, the issue with Problem #1 is temporarily resolved now that Problem #1’s visits have temporarily stopped and that gives you a little breathing room to get your shit together and permanently shine up that spine. Now you need to get 100% support from Problem #2, your husband. Fix Problem #2 and both of you let Problem #1 know you are her equal in every way and that neither of you will tolerate ANY disrespect or talking down to you ANYWHERE, not just in your house or she will pull the “my house, my rules” bs. A solid front and a “fuck that shit” attitude will help issues with Problem #1 will get exponentially better. BTW, fix this before any more time goes by bc if you think you have MIL issues now, wait until you have kids. I’ll guarantee that her attitude about your mothering skills will will make your head explode.
Lastly, do not consider a draw a win in this situation. Problem #1 needs to be put completely in her place once and for all if you want to a happy life and Problem #2 needs to be standing shoulder to shoulder with you on this one for the solution to be permanent and anytime the small digs start up again, each and every one needs to me addressed on the spot with a “Nope, we agreed that those type of digs weren’t acceptable, didn’t we?” attitude. Trust me, he’ll feel the weight lifted from his shoulders too once he shines up his spine!
No more meals for you, MIL! Don’t invite her, tell her you aren’t cooking for her since she always complains. Or you could say “Bless your heart! I’m so sorry your momma didn’t love you enough to teach you manners. I guess you didn’t know that it’s very rude to criticize your host’s cooking.” Or, “Don’t like it? Don’t eat it. Just shut the fuck up.”
you have a husband problem also next tiime she says something like this tell her when i actually agree to make you dinner and invite you instead of you inviting yourself then you can comment
better still anytime she shows up stop cooking wait for her to leave and if she asks tell her that since you did such a bad job maybe she should cook instead
maybe find a hobby or a social group and anytiime she shows up just leave go somewhere else maybe take up pool or karaoke or something i know its your house but use this as a motivation to broaden your horizons and/or social circle
Spineless Husband Syndrome.
Lol… OP you won. She isn’t coming over anymore. Don’t answer her texts. And for hubby, you have to have the mommy talk with him…
Yawn. Another fake “finally I snapped” story. Plus all the same ingredients we’ve had in two dozen or do more stories over the last few days.
For years my husband would do that to me. Make passive aggressive remarks to me and saying it in sweet tones so I’d take it as helpful advice. Years later I exploded and said, “how did a perfect Olympian god like you get saddled with a shit like me?” He didn’t like that and our relationship, which was never perfect, started circling the drain.
NTA. And yay! She’s stopping coming over! Take the win!
My MIL used to complain my house wasn’t clean enough. While i worked full time with 3 kids under 7 and hubby had depression issues. I said she was welcome to help me clean whenever she felt like it. Complaining stopped.
Well, she’s not coming over anymore, so that’s a good thing.
NTA. Add some pee to her seasoning next time. 😂 jk
If your MIL has such “distaste” for your cooking, tell her she’s NEVER invited to your home for a meal… any meal!
Tell your husband that his Mother is NOT allowed to “just show up” without an expressed invitation EVER! The frequent visits need to END! Purchase and install a doorbell camera and security system so you can monitor who shows up on your doorstep. Don’t answer the door and if she’s got a key, change the locks!
Time to start setting hard boundaries or the resentment will continue to build and your marriage will be over!
NTA but you will be if you continue to allow this blatant interference and disrespect to yourself!
Next time she complains just stare at her for a moment. “Polite guests dont complain about the food, whether they’re invited to join us or not”.
Or if thats not on the nose enough “for someone whos here every day, youd think you’d offer to help out once in a while, or is complaining just a ‘husband family’ trait?
Or to go all in…”you know Mary, I was taught when I was younger if I dont have anything nice to say, don’t say anything. So right now im not going to say anything.” And just stare at her.