My daughter and her husband live in a separate house in the same yard as his elderly parents (I had her at 19, they had him late 40s). They have a big gate at the end of their driveway. For years the gate has been dragging and you have to lift it to open and close. I mentioned to the FIL several times I could fix it and he kept saying “it’s not broken” but the top hinge was bent and crooked and out of place. I grew up on a farm and knew this was a 30 second job.
I’m doing renovations at my daughter’s house as she’s very pregnant with her first child and I have to go through that stupid gate many times a day. Yesterday when I went through and was frustrated so just took a bar I had in my truck and adjusted the fence so it didn’t drag. Just swings nicely open. Took under 30 seconds. Just then he came out from around the corner. I said “fixed your gate” and he was clearly irate and responded “it wasn’t broken”. I went up to the house and told my SIL and daughter who both responded with “oh boy, should have probably left it”. I was like “well you’re 8 months pregnant and lifting a gate multiple times a day… and I’m your dad. I fixed your gate. She said the FIL is really feeling emasculated because I’m fixing and renovating and he doesn’t do that stuff…
So am I really the asshole? I get so frustrated when men get hurt feelings over stupid shit like that. Fix the GD gate!
Comments
I would have thanked you and went on my merry way.
Nope.. FIL can get over himself. You’re taking care of things he should be doing on his property do your VERY pregnant daughter can move around safely.
NTA. You did a nice thing!
That’s just silly. I’d have thanked you for it.
Good grief. You’re good at fixing stuff. He’s not.
I’m good at hooking up electronics.
Fixing a bent hinge? If I were good at that my bathroom door would close.
NTA
Her FIL having a weak ego does not warrant a father standing idly by when his heavily pregnant daughter is getting her disks dislocated because of the neglicence of a crazy ass with a weak ego!
At the latest when wheeling the pram out she should thank you daily!
Next time just fix it and don’t mention it.
NTA, in the future maybe ask FIL why he feels less of a man when he clearly can’t do these things and someone else does them. Is his manhood so weak that he can’t appreciate someone else helping?
OP how could you do that?! Didn’t you know that he said that he will fix it himself tommorow, 6 years ago???
I have a bunch of stuff at my place you could fix. Your NTAH, but the FIL isn’t excepting change. As we get older even little things like fixing a gate can be upsetting to some.
It’s not your responsibility to manage his feelings of emasculation. NTA
It sounds like you were just trying to be helpful for fixing a dragging gate. You identified a problem that was inconvenient for your very pregnant daughter and took quick action to resolve it, which is exactly what a supportive dad would do. NTA
Don’t pander to someone else’s insecurity. He can damn well get over himself instead of insisting that your daughter be inconvenienced to save his ego.
Sounds like one of those useless old men who pretend to be handy but are actually fucking useless at pretty much any DIY job.
NTA.
FIL is ridiculous. NTA.
NTA. Any father should do the same.
He could have hired someone ages ago to fix it if he didn’t want you doing it. His plan was to just not do it. But it’s become an issue for someone else living on the property and that someone is your daughter. How could you just shrug your shoulders at her?
You could have spoken to your daughter’s husband and told him that since neither he nor is his father were fixing the gate, you’d like to do it. Then he could have told his dad he accepted your offer or gone and done it himself. If the property owner wasn’t doing it, next should have been property owner’s son/the husband to the person having the issue. But they should have all accepted the free labour
However, was this gate actually an issue for your daughter? Maybe she didn’t care either way. She and SIL expected this reaction from the FIL. Maybe she’d have preferred you not fix the gate to avoid whatever issues may be caused now
Would have been best to ask your daughter if it would help her to have the gate fixed, prior to making changes on someone else’s property
NTA. The FIL and his useless son should both be embarrassed. TIL : Lazy & embarrassed = emasculated.
Not the asshole but for future reference I would never overstep a boundary of someone else’s property. If he said leave it leave it. It’s inconvenient but it’s also not her property.
NTA, FIL feeling emasculated because he’s useless around the house isn’t a you problem.
NTA. FiL should be saying “thank you” rather than feeling emasculated or doing nothing at all.
This one is tricky. You’re NTA given that you did a nice thing for a family member (really multiple family members). However, it’s a default AH move to make any sort of modification to anyone else’s home without consulting them first. Now, I would say that, in this case, the relatively small scale of your intervention means that the first point should outweigh the second. But not everyone may see it that way, especially if the gate issue has been raised multiple times and you’ve been told, directly or indirectly, to let it go. In the final analysis, I think that you’re NTA but I can see how this caused irritation and how the FIL may now be regarding you as TA. At least your pregnant daughter won’t have to struggle with the gate anymore.
The smart thing to do would have been to have made a public offer/request to fix the gate (i.e. in the presence of your daughter, SIL, and/or MIL) that involved explaining just how quick and easy it would be to do so. If the FIL refused, you’d then have the others to support you and potentially convince him that he should let you do it. You could even have offered to work with him on it so that he was involved and didn’t feel as though you’d overstepped and emasculated him. I say all this less from a place of who’s right/wrong/TA/NTA and more out of an interest in practical efficiency and good vibes.
NTA, OP fixed his pregnant daughter’s gate. The FIL will have to deal with a working gate from now on.
Tell him you didn’t fix his gate, you fixed your daughters gate
NTA I would have done the same if it were my daughter. He’s the AH for not caring more about his daughter in law and grandchild.
Your daughter needs it to function right. You didn’t do anything wrong. He’s just upset bc he couldn’t do those things. Maybe invite him over for a beer and talk about renovation plans.
NTA – he is for not fixing it. Your daughter shouldn’t have been lifting it for all those months.
NTA
He can take a seat.
FIL needs to get over it.
Nope, I’d have done same thing. Some people are a bit precious
NTA. I’d be worried that she’s been trained to priorize FIL’s ego over her basic safety. Hopefully her husband didn’t inherit that of pig headedness.
It’s his problem. My husband is so not a guy who can easily fix things. He’d be thanking you for everything. Just ignore the guy and take care of your daughter.
If he didn’t want to feel “emasculated” he should have gotten off his ass and done it already.
I’m laughing over the emasculation comment. I met my husband when I was 48 and he was 68. He was very handy, and I grew up with a dad who was also, and he taught me about a lot of home repairs.
My husband was thrilled to get a partner who could swing a hammer next to him, and he taught me to hang wallpaper and tile. We worked on many projects together.
Both my Pop and husband were proud that I wanted to learn, and I appreciate them teaching me.
We’re both physically past that now (66 and 86) and have to hire people to do things. FIL was lucky he got the “not broken” gate fixed for him for free.
Just because he wasn’t properly prepared to take on being a homeowner doesn’t make you an ass for looking out for your daughter.
NTA, obviously.
Eye roll. No. NTA.
He needs to get over himself. You did what needed to be done.
I’m glad my husband isn’t like this. He can’t fix much, but he’s happy to have help — or even to pay a professional. I’m so glad he doesn’t feel emasculated by something like this!
NTA if he is feeling emasculated by these things why didn’t he step up? If it wasn’t the fence it would be something else with guys like that. His insecurity is not your problem. If it really worries you ask your daughter if she wants you to stop or offer to teach her husband maybe? Honestly though he would probably find new issues with you if you do, because his problem isn’t really with how handy you are around the house but with his own insecurities.
NTA but ifnhe’ll let you, take your son in law under your wing- bc why hadn’t he fixed the damn gate either? I have a suspicion it’s bc he was never taught to do that stuff
NTA in my opinion. My dad is a “I’ll get to it when I’ve got time” kind of guy. That can mean tomorrow or in several years, but if my husband or I were to give up on waiting and figure it out ourselves or hire someone then he gets mad.
For example:
My parents bought their house over 20 years ago and that first summer my dad started laying stone for a patio. 20 years later the stones are still there. He got maybe 1/8th of the way done and then it was put on the back burner.
OP you took care of your daughter that is what matters
Jesus Christ, NTA.
He can go kick rocks the stuffy old curmudgeon.
Shame the FIL. “Next time when a pregnant lady needs some help, get up off your ass and do something about it or I will, you lazy POS”. THAT is how you emasculate someone.
NTA. Son in law’s car needed fixed. His father has never been one that was taught to work on cars. My husband on the other hand, has done most of our needed car repairs. My husband fixed sil’s car. Sil’s dad was appreciative and stressed to sil how much money it saved. He wasnt threatened or emasculated, because he knew my husband was just trying to do something to not only help our sil, but our daughter.
NTA. Your daughter’s FIL has some ego problems and you should not have to tiptoe around them. However, in the interest of keeping your daughter’s life as easy as possible, the next time you fix something don’t tell him. If he figures it out, fine, but don’t offer the information. If he’s that sensitive about his manhood he might prefer to pretend like things magically fix themselves 😂
NTA – you’re a good guy, keep doing what you’re doing!
NTA. Get him a nice set of fluorescent house tools to make him feel better. Along with some bandaids for his wound
NTA sounds like a him problem. If he doesn’t feel man enough then tell him to man up already
NTA. Why would this upset FIL? Someone fixes something at my house for free, I’m buying them a case of beer
NTA. Tell the FIL that you didn’t fix the gate with your penis, so it has nothing to do with your masculinity (or his lack of).
NTA Your son in law should have fixed it if his father wouldn’t.
If you are fixing something that needs fixing , and someone else can’t or WON’T do it…their feelings are their own. He can feel any way he wants to.
No of course you are NTA.
I would look at him if he said something to me again and say “You are welcome.”
Smile. Move on.
People are too freaking people-y anymore.
Sigh
NTA
It was very kind of you to just do it. I’m sure your daughter was putting up with it to avoid drama with her ILs despite being in her third trimester. You did what a dad should. I’m sure you’ll be an awesome grandpa!