I’ll try to make this as short as possible. 18 years ago I (45f) bought a house with my daughter’s dad (45m) when she was 7 months old. My credit was good and his parents gave him his college fund for a small down payment (we’re talking 8 grand). We lived there together for 6 years. I paid the majority of the bills as I was the higher earner. Things went south after a decade together due to his severe alcoholism, pot smoking and general laziness. I packed up and moved out. We split custody 50/50 and I gave him the house in the divorce. The decree said he had til the end of 2015 to refinance to get my name off. Well that never happened. We split custody for awhile but my daughter has lived with me full time for the last 7 years. She rarely visits him because he lives in total squalor.
Back to the house. I took him to court 2 1/2 years ago for contempt since he won’t refinance the house. He can’t keep a job long enough and is upset about the interest rates. The judge ruled in my favor and now he is supposed to pay me sanctions until he refinances the house. Still no refinance. And now nothing sanction fines are being paid.
He’s been out or work for 9 months and I know it’s only a matter of time before the house goes into foreclosure (again) and my credit gets trashed (again). AITAH if I hire an attorney to force the sale of the house and ask for 50/50 on the profit of the sale? I’d even do a lesser split just so I don’t have to have deal with this any longer. He refuses to do anything about it. I could use the money to start a nest egg for our daughter and pay off a few of my bills. He’s been holding my credit hostage for years because he almost loses the house to foreclosure and then his parents bail him out out.
What should I do? He’s a severe alcoholic and I’m not sure he even has the capacity to do any type of paperwork or leave his home without being forced to.
Comments
You’re not the villain for wanting peace, you’re just finally done letting his chaos keep your life and credit hostage.
NO you would not be the AH.
You made a mistake getting tangled up with him in your youth and you are still paying.
Sell the house and recoup some of what your daughter is owed by her dad.
NTA. Sell.
NTA. Sounds like he’s been putting much more into the house, financially, so I’m not sure you have a case for splitting the profits. He paid the down payment and has carried the house bills for 12 of the 18 years that it was owned. It probably depends on the wording in the divorce decree where you ‘gave him the house.’ I would suggest a fair split of 1/3 since that is the amount of time you lived there. Inflation makes it a much bigger number than your actual contribution too, since house prices have risen so much in the last decade.
Absolutely do push forward on getting a lawyer to force the sale of the house and request lawyer fees out of the sale at a bare minimum.
NTA – he’s fully aware that all this affects you. At this point he’s doing this to cause you harm (not physically). Still bitter you left him.
He’s had multiple chances to sort this! All feelings must be set aside, and only what is productive needs to be done.
Get the lawyer, get this sorted and be free!
NTA. Sell, get as much as you can.
NTA…
He needs to let go.
Sell the house.
Make him part of the past.
Have the lawyer get child support as well.
It would depend on what the divorce papers say. If you “gave” him the house in the divorce, then you should just be filing paperwork to have your name removed. I’m not sure why you would be entitled to 50% of the profit if you sell.
Please speak to a lawyer to understand what your options are. This is above Reddits pay grade.
Ask for more than 5050 you should be entitled since your credit got tanked more than once over this
NTA
Updateme
You are NTA, you have given him plenty of opportunities to get his shit sorted out. It’s time to do the best by yourself and leave him to live with the consequences of his own actions.
I’d try talking to his parents. Get an impartial professional evaluation. See if it’s possible to have the parents and husband buy it together.
Force the sale and take everything you need to rebuild. He’s had ample opportunity to do what he was supposed to do and all he is doing is trashing your score now!
He is waiting for you to take action because he knows what a massive loser he is. Just do it and go 50/50
He’s 10yrs over the agreed refinance. If his parents care so much, let them purchase the house for him.
In order for you to sell n make any kind of decent money on it, first you’ll have to do some quite stressful & costly work.
1st hire the attorney
2nd have him removed
3rd hire professional cleaners to empty the place out
4th new paint & potentially new carpets
And finally when you get all of this done you deduct all of the money in repairs from his half as well as the COL from 2015 to now since he hasn’t followed through with the divorce agreement
You need to force the sale ASAP. Court ordered. We bought a house in a similar situation. The wife had nothing to lose and made the buy a living hell. We actually met the couple that was supposed but it before us. They walked said she’s was a nightmare. The court order her and forced the sale to us. If there is a possibility of foreclosure you need to move fast. He’s not going to clean that house for a sale and it’s not going to get to dollar. You just need to cover the loan and not have your credit destroyed.
She did everything in her power to get us to walk away.
You made the first right choice separating from him, now make the second … Sell asap!
NTA – Definitely force the sale of the house. He can go live with his parents. It’s affecting you and your future. Enough is enough.
I gotta wonder…how much is the value of the house if he let it rot?
Why are you even asking this question? You have been incredibly patient and tolerant. If he trashes your credit, the impact will be far-reaching for you and your daughter. Do it. Contact a lawyer, force the sale, cut his influence out of your life. NTAH
NTA. Do it, and do not accept less than 50. He’s like an itchy barnacle you can’t scrape off. It’s not your job to die in the fire he set.
I live next to someone like that. Forcing the sale may actually be doing him a favor. Alcoholics often need to hit a specific version of rock bottom before they experience the epiphany that leads them to sobriety. Losing that house might be his and there’s no reason your credit should suffer for it to happen. Force the sale.
NTA. It is time to force a sale as he has not paid money he owes and has broken every agreement. Do not wait, get it done now.
Updateme!
Sell.
It honestly sounds like you’ve already spent a lot of money to not see any return for the money. There’s no proof that anything is going to change. You CAN reach out directly and encourage the mortgage company to start foreclosure proceedings by explaining to them what is happening and they might go forward with it depending on whether they think they’ll make more money drawing it out or not. I’ve been there – I asked them to foreclose and because wasband was on the mortgage (and had run away from contempt of court servicers so I couldn’t catch him and couldn’t get him to sign any papers for other options) it ended up in foreclosure 7 years AFTER I first asked the mortgage company to start proceedings. And then the same Bank bought the house in foreclosure anyways. It sucks but I’m not sure spending more attorneys and servicers fees to chase him down would have made a difference. You’re obviously NTA but you might not even manage to “force” anything.
Sell the house, get the money he owes you, then split what’s left 50/50.
Why are you even asking this question? Sheesh.
Do what you need to do to protect your assets and credit.
Nta. Sell the house.
You paid more into the house. Should’ve kicked his ass out. Especially since it was in your name. Not you NTA Should’ve done it sooner
NTA, get a lawyer.
NTA go back to court get your money and back child support. He can live with his parents.
NTA get a lawyer
It’s been 10 years. NTA You’ve been tied to this, now it risk, marital asset for far too long. It needs to end and yes, you deserve compensation.
NTA.
But don’t ask for 50/50. Ask for whatever is reasonable for you – to cover your sanctions, and any costs you will incur (taxes, lawyers etc)… and leave him the rest. Yes, he’s been holding your finances hostage – but you could have applied a decade and a half ago for him to be forced to refinance and let it wallow as well. Just get out, with your fair costs. And move on.
But before you force the sale… see if you can get the lawyer to threaten enough that his parents step in, refinance and remove you. If they want to keep bailing him out that would be the kindest way to get yourself out.