This happened last night and I’m questioning everything. I (21F) have been dating Marcus (34M) for about 9 months. We met at a coffee shop near my college and he was drawn to how “mature” I was for my age. My parents disowned me when I started dating him because of the age gap, but Marcus helped me see that love doesn’t have an age limit. He’s been helping me with my student loans and guiding me through “adult decisions” since I’m still figuring out life.
Yesterday I was telling him about drama with my college friends. My roommate Chloe found out her boyfriend was cheating and I was really upset because she’s like a sister to me. Instead of listening, Marcus just sighed and said “This is exactly what I mean about your generation. You’re all so dramatic about everything. When you’re an adult like me, you’ll understand that these college problems aren’t real problems. You’re too immature to understand what actual stress looks like.” He told me to focus on “more important things” like planning our future instead of “childish friend dramas.”
I told him that if he really thinks I’m too immature to discuss my problems with him, then maybe he should date someone his own age. He got upset and said I was being “emotional” and “proving his point.” So I gave him an ultimatum – either he apologizes and starts treating me as an equal partner, or I’m done. He said ultimatums are “manipulative” and that I’m “acting like a child throwing a tantrum.”
I’ve been staying at my dorm since then and he’s been texting me saying I’m overreacting and that he was just trying to help me “grow up.” Some friends say I should apologize because he’s “experienced,” but others say this is a red flag. My family won’t talk to me about it since they hate him. This morning he texted “if you’re going to keep acting like this, maybe I should find someone who can handle an adult relationship.”
I love him and he’s been good to me in other ways, but I’m questioning if I’m actually ready for this or if he’s right about me being too immature. AITAH for giving him an ultimatum?
Comments
He’s not going to treat you as an equal partner because he doesn’t see you as an equal partner.
This is why your parents didn’t want you seeing him.
All the clues are there but you’re not sufficiently mature to consume them – which is, again, the point.
Girl …
If this is real you just found out why a 34 is in a relationship with a 21 in reality. He thinks he can control you and manipulate you cause he has all the power with money etc. Now he found out that you have your own opinion and looses his shit. Your parents were right from the beginning
“… he was drawn to how “mature” I was for my age.”
This line is probably somewhere on page one of a pred’s handbook. If I were you, I’d remove myself from this situation as soon as possible, to be honest.
Oh God! Even if this post is not true, this issue is quite common. Older men getting much younger women to manipulate and turn them into submissive bang maids.
Are there really no guys around your age that you have things in common with rather than spend your time with someone who clearly doesn’t respect you and doesn’t like you very much.
Please use protection and don’t get pregnant by this loser.
NTA if you end this
He’s trying to train you, groom you into who he wants you to be. NTA but get out
Ask him why an adult is dating an immature young adult?
I… jfc. Girl, he’s literally played all the textbook sketchy “It’s not pedophilia because she’s legal” groomer BS lines and you fell for them hook line and sinker.
YTA for not listening to your parents legitimate concerns in the first place and being manipulated by this creep.
He’s TA for being a manipulative groomer creep, he’s not going to “see you as an equal partner” because to him you aren’t, you’re a pretty young thing to manipulate and discard once you get too old.
Like jesus, he literally pulled the “you’re so mature for your age”, “age is just a number” lines that textbook redflags.
Classic! This 34 year old dude is hanging around university coffee shops and randomly meets a 21 year old college student. What are the odds?
I can see why your family hate him. He groomed you. Also, when he was 21 you were 8, let that sink in.
Think about why you would value a stranger’s opinion over your parents who have raised you and cared for you and only worry about you. It doesn’t matter if he’s lovely or good in other ways, do you really think he cares about you more than your parents? And using “too emotional” in a relationship? Where it’s literally driven by emotions? You know the answer. You’re just being purposely ignorant to have fun.
what i am sending is that he is trying to mold you into what he wants. if he is also doing that with sex, he is grooming you .
By blowing off your concerns about a friend being cheated on, it sounds like he is manipulating you to think cheating is okay. He sounds controlling trying to make you act older than you are “Immature” is the trigger word he uses.
I think this guy formed an unhealthy relationship with you. You need the freedom to grow more mature at your own pace. Nta
RUN don’t walk! You are 21, you’re allowed to have “childish” problems. You have the rest of your life to be old. He’s dragging you down and stealing the best years of your life! This is when you’re allowed to do stupid shit with adult freedom. Revel in that. I know some old as* women doing dumb shit in their late 30’s and 40’s because they had to be “adults” when they were young and couldn’t do that stuff then. Your right, age is nothing but a number but when it’s being weaponized by what is supposed to be your partner, clearly there is an issue. Don’t waste your youth on someone like that! Go out party ( if that’s not your thing do the things you like),do dumb shit, giggle without a care. Find someone that will accept you for you and grow with you. I can guarantee if you stay you will look back on this relationship and be angry at what a waste it was. You will remember my words. By then it will be too late. This man is manipulating you and belittling you. I beg you, love yourself enough to walk away.
So 34 year olds don’t have problems with cheating partners? Yeah this guy wants someone so much younger so he can manipulate them. If he is so after a mature relationship, why isn’t he with someone older than him?
He is dating you precisely because he LIKES the unbalanced power dynamic where he can override your opinions and feelings by calling them childish and position himself as the wise older man.
It’s condescending as fuck!
And the reason he’s not dating someone his own age is that women of that age will not put up with his bullshit.
There is nothing good in this relationship for you, he will not treat you as an equal partner, you’re on a hiding to nothing with that and you would be better to cut your losses now.
And the reason your parents reacted so strongly is because they were right, the age gap is inappropriate.
It’s one thing for a 31 and 44 year old to date. It’s entirely something else for 21 and 34. 21 is barely an adult and far too easy to manipulate and patronise, as your BF is doing to you.
I’d also be concerned that he doesn’t think cheating is something to get upset about. I mean he’s practically telling you he’s going to be unfaithful and he expects you to “be mature” and not make a fuss. F that. NTA and ditch the 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 parade.
He said when you’re an adult like me
So does that make you a child in his eyes?
And if so WHY is he having with sex with some he views as immature?
(I’ll tell you why, it’s because no woman his age would put up with his condescending bullshit!)
Your parents reaction to this relationship is perfectly valid.
You’re in college, you should be enjoying life with people your own age.
You’re not a piece of clay that he gets to mould into the type of woman he thinks you should be.
He’s an asshole, you’re an autonomous being capable of making your own decisions.
So make the right decision and tell him to fuck right off!
you’re fine. he’s immature. him calling you mature for your age at the beginning, and all the ‘guiding’ etc. – basically if you ask me, all a bit manipulative even if you were willingly complicit. 9 month and you are estranged from your parents, and you love him, that seems naïve (not immature), i mean sure, i guess anything possible that you find ‘the one’ and its ‘true love’
if i was in your position, i would be telling myself this particular guy isn’t the one, its never going to be equal, but i can learn from it, and move on to someone i’m a better fit with.
Part of being immature comes with the age. And yes, college is a time where you are allowed to be “immature” and figure life out. That’s what a part of going to college is about. Living outside of your family for the first time, making mistakes and learning from them.
He was hunting down a barely legal girl to mold it into his fantasy. There is a reason why he doesn’t date according his age.
Use your time at college to learn from mistakes like dating this douchebag.
He doesn’t see you as an adult which in itself is worrying since he’s ok dating and sleeping with you but not ok treating you like an equal. He wants to be seen with a younger woman while patronising you for being a younger woman.
Tell him it is for the best if he found someone his own age, who is more mature.
Block him.
Then call your parents and tell them they were right. I’m quite sure they will be so glad to hear from you.
You’re a moron for staying with this dim wit and for turning your back on your family.
There’s a reason he had to date someone who is only a few years above legal.
Women his age can see through his bull shit and don’t want to date an immature man.
Get out and get away asap.
Sounds like he’s trying to groom you & manage your emotions. NTA
NTA. There’s a reason he isn’t with someone his own age & maturity is a part of it. When his age group won’t put up with his BS, he’s dated someone less experienced & easier to manipulate.
It’s not your fault, you’re young & he told you all the right things to get you hooked. However now you need to look at this with a wider lenses.
Your family hate him for a reason. He’s a predator & they see him for who he is. Now it’s time to open your eyes more since you’re already starting to see clearly
Edit. Updateme
Red flags abound here. Your age will continue to be weaponised against you. You are not equal. He wants a child that he can control and dictate to. If you are happy to be his lapdog , then happy for you. But breaking up is much much better
NTA
By saying you’re not an adult yet he implies he’s dating a child.
Run. Run. Run
He is only with you because women his own age won’t touch him, they are wise to his games. Take the advice from all us much older ladies on here. Dump him. Find a man your own age that you can grow with.
Your bf is right. I’m 42 dating a 16yo boy and I told him he needs to act like he’s 40 at my convenience 🤪 This is how your story sounds, ridiculous. You’re not mature for your age, nobody is, we all act our age bc age is experience. Older people target younger people to control them most often, and it’s obvious this is what the situation is with you and the old man you’re dating. He’s gaslighting you by stating you disagreeing and having boundaries, expectations, etc is manipulation. He’s controlling you to communicate as he wants as though you’re editable for his preferences. Dump him.
NTA – he likes dating young woman, because he thinks he can control her.
Your parents are right, even though I think they should support you.
BREAK UP, he is not good for you and does not see you as an equal partner – he probably is not looking for en equal partner.
YTA. Both for the ultimatum & to yourself for staying in this relationship. He will never treat you as an equal. The reason he dates someone so young is because no one his own age will put up with his sanctimonious bs. Do yourself a favor, put yourself first and break it off. Why stay with someone who belittles you, makes you feel small or tries to & has you isolated from family? What would you tell a friend in this situation?
This hasn’t been pointed out enough as well like this so I’ll mention this. He was invalidating your feelings. Saying that what you’re ranting about is simply petty school drama and comparing it to real life problems is invalidation. It might not be as serious as some other problems but it is important for you and he just invalidated that.
Classic manipulation tactic. I’m going to vote NAG because you stood up for yourself, stood your ground and pull an ultimatum. I was also in a similar situation before and I don’t think I would have handled this the way you did. So maybe he is right, you are mature for your age. But it doesn’t mean you have to date a guy like him.
NTA
But don’t wait for his answer.
Just tell him you’re done and you want a more mature partner, no matter the age.
Cheating is a big deal for people of all ages Even if your are in an open relationship you need to follow by ground rules and respect.
He is trying to convince you to accept cheating using the maturity argument which is false.
Be young, have fun. He is a walking red flag who tries to seduce young woman to get away with bad behavior
Sweetheart. He’s being manipulative. Borderline grooming. He’s not your dad he’s your partner. He see’s you as a child (ex: “adult like me” comment)
It’s creepy.
Advice is one thing. Emotionally manipulating you (break up threat etc) to do things his way is not support, its control.
I’m 48 and talk to my partner about friend drama. Thats just life.
Marcus sounds like a real piece of shit groomer who lured you away from your family to take care of you like a pet.
Dump the tradbro and be glad you got away before there‘s a kid!
It sounds to me like:
He used the most boring pick up line of all time. But we all fall for it at 20… “You are so mature for your age.” At 40 I see that is not a compliment but something they say to flatter you for their selfish motives and justify to themselves why they are flirting with a 20 year old.
He finds you mature or immature when it suits him. If he wants to justify your relationship, you are, oh, so mature for your age! If he is bored or inconvenienced by your worries and interests you are so immature! So convenient for him, don’t you think?
Maybe he was drawn to your hot 20 year old body after all.
At 20 you should care that your friend was cheated on and you shouldn’t know what “real” stress is, that is the point of being 20! It’s not your generation that is too dramatic or shallow, it’s your age gap that shows.
NTA. Almost any older person who is attracted to a younger person because of their ‘maturity’ is full of shit. If they wanted someone mature, they’d date their own age or older. You bf wants someone he can manipulate into what he wants you to be with his ‘this is how mature people behave’. Dump the chump and enjoy your youth.
He’s pretty much groomed you. If he thinks you;re a child, then why is he going out with you?
This guy has zero respect for you. Please dump this AH.
YWBTA if you stay with this guy.