Me (45) and hubby (42) have been together for 23 years. During those years we’ve been a strong couple and I did everything in my power to create a home that we could grow old in together.
I handled all of our finances, taxes, expenses, the kids, the pets (2 dogs, 2 cats, and a snake). I gave affection and made myself available to him whenever he needed.
Over the past number of years my health has been in decline. I’ll admit I haven’t always handled it well. He’d complain that I needed to do more to take care of myself and so I did. At the height of things I was seeing 8 different doctors, taking 10 different medications several times a day and working a full time job.
I just kept getting worse. I needed to sleep 12 hour days just to function but I did it and adjusted everything so that no one would be impacted by my declining health.
About 3 weeks ago I was in bad shape. He told me to go to the emergency room. I said that I would Uber so that it wouldn’t impact his schedule. However, on the day I was so afraid that I asked him to take me. Later, when it was time to go home I felt overwhelmed by what happened and I asked him to pick me up. I should have just Uber’s like I said because he came to get me and he was so upset we ended up getting into a huge fight.
He said I was inconsiderate of his needs and that I should move out. I told him I was not going to move out and that if he was unhappy he should leave.
He proceeded to tell me that I was incapable of taking care of the house and the family in my condition and I should do the right thing and leave.
I wasn’t going to leave the family I built and the life I’d worked so hard to create so time went by (2 weeks) we talked and he told me that he wanted to be single. He didn’t want to be married to me anymore and that the sorrow he was feeling was so deep that he didn’t know how he was going to get better but that he knew it was inevitable that our marriage would end.
A couple of weeks before my birthday I gathered the courage to offer him a one month no contact split and he giddily accepted it only to come to tell me that I better not try to stop him from seeing his daughter. I broke down sobbing because this man whom I’ve loved for half my life is treating me like I’m this evil villain hell bent on hurting him.
In that moment I yelled at him with tears in my eyes that I know the only person he never wants to see again is me and I’ll find a way to come to terms with it but that for 30 days he isn’t welcome in my home. I blocked him from my phone and stopped sharing my location.
I told our daughter (15) that I will support whatever she wants to do and I will be there for her no matter what. She chose to stay but keeps the lines of communication open with her dad. I think that’s healthy and I’m so proud of her but folks are telling me I was wrong to let him leave. AITA here?
Comments
Girl you need to divorce him asap. He’s an absolute garbage human being and you deserve so much better after everything you’ve done for him.
NTA he needs to understand he married you during your best and worst, your sickness doesn’t change that! If he’s just gonna give up because of that, that’s not a good partner, was he expecting you twos relationship to be all rainbow and sunshine all the time? That’s not how life works things get tough but you still stick with the person!
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like you’ve been dealing with a lot, and your husband’s response wasn’t what you needed. Setting boundaries for your well-being is important, but relationships require communication and compromise. You’re not wrong for protecting yourself, but it may help to explore ways to communicate and heal together. It’s a difficult situation, and you’re not alone in feeling conflicted.
NTA. He wanted to be single so bad, now he is. Funny how it’s all good until he actually has to deal with the reality of it. You didn’t push him out—he practically sprinted.
NTA unless, as I suspect, this is AI since it seems to have many of the telltales.
I’m sorry this has happened to you. Sounds like he only cared about you when it was convenient. Cut him out of your life and tell friends and famly what is happening before he goes around trying to create some narrative where you’re the bad guy (which is what he was trying to start with the “you better not try to keep me from my daughter” bs). Tell them not out of pettiness but out of self preservation – he will lie and say this is your fault somehow and you don’t need that right now. You need to focus on yourself and daughter and not be dealing with people calling you up and saying this is on you or that you need to “do something” about him leaving. You need what support you can get. And if he comes crawling back DO NOT LET HIM IN.
https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/11/091110105401.htm make no mistake. He is abandoning you as many men do when their wives get sick. I’m sorry.
Fake
NTA. He asked for space, and you handed it to him on a silver platter. Now he’s upset? Sounds like he wanted freedom with none of the consequences.
Sweetheart, if you’re ill and your husband’s reaction to you asking him for help is to treat you like you’re a burden, it’s time to start planning a life without him. he doesn’t deserve a month-long hall pass to go fuck other people, only to come back later when he realizes the grass isn’t greener on the other side.
While he’s gone, start setting up your life. Work on getting training if you need work, or getting on disability if you can. Start reaching out to family and a lawyer.
Also, because this is a mutual hall pass (it better be, honey), I would encourage you to test the expectations of this situation. As in, go out on dates. You don’t have to sleep with anyone, but I guarantee your husband will start acting very very differently once he knows you’re enjoying your free time away from him. He thinks he’s the Main Character in this relationship, and as soon as he realizes he’s also dismissable, you’ll see who he really is and what he really thinks of you–for better or worse.
Fun fact: Many men divorce their wives if the wives get really sick. Lawyer up.
And get all kinds of medical tests done to find out what’s up with you.
He’s meant to support you through sickness and in health. Do vows not mean anything anymore? He’s a shit person and a shit husband. You’ll be better off without him
Fake post. Bad AI.
NTA
Hay you’re not the problem, you sound like you might be burning out from doing it all.
Let him go and slow down your pace. You might find that a great deal of your poor health is in part to your husband placing everything on you.
Take your laundry to the laundromat and have them do it, eat your food off paper plates, get throwaway pans for cooking. Go low effort and relax for a month.
Get back your peace and sit back and think about what you want. You can’t do anything about him leaving, so focus on yourself. Make a plan.
Let him go.
You are a saint, the halo 😇 is beaming from your head. He took you for granted, you gave he took. I hope your health improves radically and you can come to terms with his selfishness. Wish you the very best of luck in your future.
He sounds like a real piece of s Honey, you will get better once you’re rid of him. It doesn’t sound like he does a d thing for you or for his home or for anything. It’s only about him. Once you get rid of that useless piece of skin, you’ll start feeling better.
NTA- He is not going to take care of you as you get sicker. Likely, he is with your replacement right now. The 30 days is to test to see if they can work it out.
Go see an attorney and get ready to be served. Or at least update your will, insurance policies, pension, etc so that he doesn’t get everything. Make your kids your beneficiaries.
NTA OP. You need to realise that the stress of dealing with all the household stuff is adding to the stress that makes you ill.
If you did all this stuff for your husband and he pulls this crap ,he’s a dick . Id say if you just sat on the couch and didn’t do shit. But in light of your illness he should have been there for you.
NTA. He’s being horrible. BUT – YTA for creating this situation. You trained him to expect that he would not have to lift a finger. In his mind his cushy life is soon to be over. Kick him out, change the locks, lock down the money.
As far as “not keeping him from his daughter”, I call BS. That’s a threat all men make but how much do they actually follow through?
About your health: 8 doctors and 10 medications sounds like a bit too much. I am not a woo-woo natural health crystals and essential oils person, but I think you need to step back. Is this peri-menopause? Autoimmune? Women get short shrift from the medical community. Losing weight will cure everything, you’re hysterical, etc. Is it possible that the effort you were putting into life was unsustainable?
The good news is that at your age, you have so much more life left. Let him go out in the world and try to survive and learn that he may not be the prize for the female population that he thinks he is.
Good luck. Be strong. You can do this.
The rate of men divorcing their wives when they actually are faced with “in sickness and in health” is astronomical.
He has treated you very badly. My best advice is to hold strong and do not speak to him for that month. Do not give in. Let him feel the pain of not having you. Then reassess.
Was he ever like this in the past? If not, my thought was that he’s trying to push you away because that’s less painful than the thought of him losing you by death. It’s easier, pretty much. I think seeing if he’s remotely apologetic will decide where you should go from here
“Let” him leave? He’s been mentally checked out for a long time. OP, this must have been awful but it’s better to adjust your life around his absence than put up with the dead weight. You had to take an Uber to the ER? Nah, you’re better off without him.
Just another example of men not wanting to help a wife with medical issues, so many of them nope out so fast while the wives stay, it’s so messed up.
And why should you give up your home? Absolutely NTA.
Wrong to let him leave?
What’s the alternative? Tie him up with a rope, drag him to your dungeon, encase his arms and legs in iron, and feed him with a long metal spoon?
He has free will. If he wants to leave, he can leave.
NTA
Sounds a whole lot like he’s been gaslighting you and you need to divorce his ass. He sounds like he’s been mooching off of you. If you pay for everything then what does he pay for?
It’s so common for men to leave when their spouse becomes ill. It’s so sad that after all the work you put in he us leaving because he has to put in extra effort.
You didn’t “let him leave”. He left. I think you’ve been incredibly brave and strong to put boundaries for yourself in place to protect your peace of mind.
Nta.
You need help beyond what reddit can provide
You would be surprised if what you can achieved. When things are harder is because you are leveling up! He is not taking care of you, and he adds so much stress into your life. Get a lawyer, and get what you deserve from what you have put into this marriage. NTA
I’m so sorry and really do empathise.
I’ve not long left my 20yr marriage as it consisted of verbal abuse that was based on his obvious disgust and lack of respect for me. I believe the start of my illnesses (fibro and autoimmune) was caused by his abusive behaviour towards me and over the years as the verbal/mental/emotional abuse increased, my health declined and I’ve not been able to work.
His attitude has never gotten any better unless he wanted something, just worse and after my Mum passed away 6 months ago I knew I couldn’t keep taking it. It’s early days and I can’t tell you how stressed I am right now but I couldn’t stay.
I have no idea where my life is going but you, I and every other person dealing with ill health because of THEIR issues deserves better.
Sending you hugs x
Is it possible he’s doing something to make you ill? Pay close attention to see if your health improves and get rid of anything opened and unsealed.
What in the entire HELL is going on??? What you wrote is NOT indicative of a “strong couple”. It does show a strong maid, a strong hole for him to stick his pen!$ in, and a strong lack of self-love and self-esteem on your part. This trifling, despicable man just dropped you off at the ER and then was mad that you couldn’t Uber back home? Wowwwwww. My husband would be highly insulted if I even hinted that I would find another way to go to the ER. All your husband does is use and criticize you. But, if you don’t even love and respect yourself, then you can’t expect anyone else to. The best thing this man has done for you is tell you he wants a divorce. Listen to him!
YTA – Because you’re being a doormat. You’re showing your daughter how to be a doormat. Girl, get up off the floor, get divorced, and get lots of therapy!
He is out of the house on his own volition!!! Sorry for being blunt but this is the time to get a divorce attorney and file and serve him while he is out of the joint residence. Do it now! I’m sorry for the hurt you feel but it’s legal time NOW. I keep saying now for a reason because this sniveling, narcissistic bad excuse for a human being will try to take advantage of your physical and mental condition. Please take care of yourself and your daughter. 🙏
1000% NTA. Girl…It is evident this garbage human has gaslit you into thinking this situation is somehow your fault. It’s not. He said vows, in sickness and in health. Well, you’re in the sickness part – where the heck is he?? A spouse should always be willing to take you to and from the freaking emergency room. That is by no means an unreasonable expectation. Your declining health is also not your fault, and him acting like your being sick somehow is is absolutely baffling.
It sounds like you have done everything in your power to not be a burden to anyone these last few years – but that has only been to your own detriment. I’m going to bet that you have always been the sort of person to try not to need “too much”, to not take up too much space in this world. But stop for a second and realize that you deserve space too. You are not being selfish or inconsiderate here – you’re being a human being in a vulnerable time of your life.
And he’s kicking you when you’re already down. A good husband doesn’t do that. I know how scary it is to leave a bad situation, and I understand the fear and trepidation you’re feeling. However, I’m not sure if this is repairable. It seems doubtful he will ever be a true or decent partner to you again. And call me crazy, but I think you deserve a LOT better in life than someone who has one foot out the door the second your health declines. In any case, just the biggest hugs to you. I hope you gain the clarity you need, and I sincerely hope things get better for you. Take care of yourself. ❤️
NTA. Looks like you gave everything to your marriage. And he gave nothing. You need to now give everything to yourself. Hopefully you will see how much easier it is without him there.
NTA. He’s an inconsiderate ass. Though, to some degree this is a situation of your own making by going out of your way for 2+ decades to make his life so incredibly easy that he can’t handle the slightest inconvenience. The fact that he can’t support you in the slightest when you need it after you have slaved away supporting him and your family in every possible way is just crap.
He doesn’t deserve you.
I would recommend contacting a lawyer asap to figure out how to best protect yourself and your considerable investment in the home. Not saying that you make the move to file yet, but better to have the knowledge now than to be caught off guard later.
NTA
He really doesn’t sound like a partner to you. As soon as he didn’t get what he wants he throws in the towel, you really deserve better.
I know you’re scared and hurting, but I suggest you let those 30 days play out and take good care of yourself and your daughter.
Don’t do a single thing for him, really nothing at all, no matter how small it seems to you. Do yourself a favor and take note of every single thing you would normally do for him.
At the end of that time, I think you will have a list a mile long of things that you normally have to do to keep his sorry ass happy that you don’t have so so while he is gone. You will be well rested, you will be less overwhelmed and you will realize how well you take care of him and how very little you asked if him that made him want to leave you.
It will probably still hurt, but you’ll be a good ways closer to being ready to divorce him.
If you’re not, he probably realized what he’s missing by then and will be… Let’s say more appreciative of your role in his life.
Edited to add NTA
NTA but your husband is. He didn’t want to pick you up from the hospital because it inconvenienced him to do so. If my husband did that I would have given him the boot too! He should have had some sympathy for your condition not being an A-Hole because he had to pick you up. You did the right thing by telling your daughter she can keep seeing and talking to her father. If you divorce you should keep communication open with him for your daughter only. They have parental apps that you can go through to talk about your daughter.
What a pile of garbage that man is !
He’s been controlling you for decades. Then threw you away he’s inconvenienced by you being sick. Your house sounds like a nightmare honestly. I’m sure he’s found someone else to thrill him. File for divorce, alimony and child support. High school is anything but cheap. I hope you learn you deserve better than that. He is an asshole not you. Teach your daughter to be treated better.
Wow. I am sorry he turned out to be a dog of the worst kind! What would have happened if it were he that got sick? I’ll bet u would be wiping his arse! But men can’t handle sickness like women do. Prayers that you make a full recovery 🙏 ❤️
Is this what you want to teach your daughter she deserves to be treated as?
Boot this man out of your life hard enough to bounce, and show her you both deserve better.
Yes, man removal service? The whole man, please.
DTMFA.
I really really feel for you. You don’t deserve this. I time it will get easier but this is ultimately over and I’m so sorry, OP. ❤️
You can’t fix someone who doesn’t want to be fixed. Take care of yourself and your daughter.
Wow he’s never been inconvenienced in his whole life.
But he’s acting textbook to a man with a sick wife. He wants the F out immediately.
Get gone but make sure you take half as you’ve earned it. Working and being sick and doing everything you could.
What was he so inconvenienced with to pick you up from the hospital?
I’m also sure if he was ill he would want you holding his hand.
NTA
NTA Go see a divorce attorney to see what your options are.
YTA. Lemme tell you why. He has told you he does not want to be with you or take care of you as you get sicker but in your comments you insist on staying and not divorcing this trash human bc you can’t picture your life without him.
What kind of example are you setting for your daughter? That it’s ok to stay with a toxic asshole bc it’s better than being alone?
Grow up. You’re just doing this to yourself and I feel 0 sympathy for you.