So some context… Last week, my dog of 13 years passed away in his sleep. Up until this past year, he has lived with me since he was a puppy. He was staying with my dad for the time being because my apartment changed its pet policy and no longer allowed certain breeds and I could no longer keep him at my place. I had already renewed my lease for the following year so my dad offered to keep him until I could move somewhere else that allowed dogs again and I was so grateful.
When he passed, I immediately went to get him from my dad’s place. But when I arrived, my stepmom and little sister were already digging a hole in the backyard to bury him. I was blindsided and really upset. I’ve always known I wanted him cremated — I even talked about it before — because I wanted to keep his ashes with me. And honestly, I didn’t want him buried in the backyard of a rental house that doesn’t even belong to anyone in our family. It took a serious argument to convince them to let me take him. I even paid out of pocket for the cremation service because no one else offered to help or seemed supportive of that decision. This is where I might be the asshole…
Fast forward to yesterday: I got home from work to find a package on my doorstep from my stepmom. Inside were two miniature urns and a note asking for “their share” of my dog’s ashes — as if it was some group project. I was so pissed off, I took fireplace ashes from my boyfriend’s place, filled the urns, and planned to give those to them instead. Now I’m feeling kind of guilty. But at the same time, I’m still really upset. They tried to bury him without telling me, in a yard that isn’t even ours, and they made me fight just to do what I wanted for MY dog — and now they want part of him like it’s nothing.
So… AITA for not wanting to share his ashes and for giving them fake ones instead?
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So some context… Last week, my dog of 13 years passed away in his sleep. Up until this past year, he has lived with me since he was a puppy. He was staying with my dad for the time being because my apartment changed its pet policy and no longer allowed certain breeds and I could no longer keep him at my place. I had already renewed my lease for the following year so my dad offered to keep him until I could move somewhere else that allowed dogs again and I was so grateful.
When he passed, I immediately went to get him from my dad’s place. But when I arrived, my stepmom and little sister were already digging a hole in the backyard to bury him. I was blindsided and really upset. I’ve always known I wanted him cremated — I even talked about it before — because I wanted to keep his ashes with me. And honestly, I didn’t want him buried in the backyard of a rental house that doesn’t even belong to anyone in our family. It took a serious argument to convince them to let me take him. I even paid out of pocket for the cremation service because no one else offered to help or seemed supportive of that decision. This is where I might be the asshole…
Fast forward to yesterday: I got home from work to find a package on my doorstep from my stepmom. Inside were two miniature urns and a note asking for “their share” of my dog’s ashes — as if it was some group project. I was so pissed off, I took fireplace ashes from my boyfriend’s place, filled the urns, and planned to give those to them instead. Now I’m feeling kind of guilty. But at the same time, I’m still really upset. They tried to bury him without telling me, in a yard that isn’t even ours, and they made me fight just to do what I wanted for MY dog — and now they want part of him like it’s nothing.
So… AITA for not wanting to share his ashes and for giving them fake ones instead?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> i feel like i might be the asshole because i gave my stepmom and sister fake ashes of my dog.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA they don’t deserve any ashes. Just don’t let them find out.
NTA, just never tell them.
This was your dog. Your mother and sister might well have had genuine affection for him, but, again: This was your dog.
No one else gets a say in how you address his death, and no one else has dibsies on his ashes.
You could just say no, this was my dog and I want to keep his ashes intact and leave it there. If they heard you and were reasonable about it, and you wanted to be magnanimous, you could give each of them a little framed photo of him. But you’re under no obligation to do that or anything else, and if you want to give them those fireplace ashes to keep them off your back at a difficult time in your life, you’re still not the A.
I’m sorry for your loss. NTA.
NTA. Don’t give them your dog’s real ashes.
NTA here but a word of caution on your plan to give them fake ashes. It might be the best option for you. Your anger on how they tried to lay your beloved dog to rest without you is justified.
BUT. Take a pause on this plan and ask yourself a few questions:
Why do you feel guilty? Strangers on the Internet will gladly tell you you’re right and your family doesn’t deserve any different. But we don’t have a relationship with them, you do.
Who is driving the desire for “their share” of the ashes? You don’t say how old your little sister is but if she’s a child or even a teen, she might have gotten attached to your dog and is grieving. Your dad or stepmom also might be, particularly if they were primary caretakers of the dog.
Would you be able to let your anger go and not use this as something you could pull out later to hurt them with? Can you keep this secret for good? Can your bf (if he knows)?
If you can lay your guilt to rest and not hurt them later with this, then move forward.
NTA
Lots of places have laws against burying animals in the backyard even if you own the house.
Pretty sure the rentals owner would be pissed if they found out and could terminate the lease for it.
They sound like they would be too stupid to notice the ashes aren’t real anyway.
Next they’re going to start making up stories about the dog that never happened as part of “their memories”.
Keep the ashes of your precious pup with you where they belong.
It’s no one else’s business what you put in theirs. Your secret is safe with us.
Sad to hear you lost a furry family member.
NTA. Pups are family. The grief is real, and how they are treated by others is remembered. How about sealing a pic of the pup in the urns instead or even ashes of the picture? Or just use the word NO. No is a full and final sentence.
NTA OP but why don’t you just say no? He was your dog and asking for “shares” is just creepy…
I’m so sorry for your loss don’t feel guilty about giving them fake ashes he was your dog.
You left him with them for a year. A year. So they fell in love. Did you expect less? Also when you learned he passed. Did you say I am coming to get him? You are not understanding the love. Your dog wasn’t just fed and given a bed. He was loved in their care. A year. I have taken on pets through rescue that didn’t live six months. Be glad he was loved there.
NTA, it was your dog he was only with your dad because of circumstances outside of your control. Stepmother and sister don’t automatically have an equal right to his remains because they helped care for him for a year.
Stepmother is TA, for arguing with you on how to lay your own pet to rest. Withholding judgement on stepsister for now since I dont know her age.
If it is something you want have his ashes turned into a gemstone or something similar as a keepsake, then they can’t be split.
Sounds like your dog was loved by you, dad, stepmom & sister. They also provided care for him. Since you signed a lease knowing pets were not allowed, your pup may have ended up in a shelter if your stepmom had balked at the responsibility. Everyone worked together and, bottom line, greatly improved your pup’s quality of life. You should be grateful for their help & love. There’s no reason not to share.
*They may have thought they were doing you a favor by handling the burial . Give them the benefit of the doubt.
YTA
NTA. This is them wanting the glory of grieving for a pet so they can tell their friends how wonderful and caring they are. It’s your dog. Don’t part with him and put his urn somewhere they can’t get to. Lock it away.
Just mix a tiny wee little bit of a half a sprinkle in each urn so you won’t have any reason to feel guilty later.
Sorry for your loss. NTA. Am also sorry for laughing so much. Bloody cheek of them.
No. Just no. He was your dog. Your stepmum wanted nothing to do with him, actively going against taking him. They didn’t help with any of the cost of the cremation so they aren’t entitled to a thing.
Tell them two words: they rhyme with duck and scoff.
And I’m really sorry for the loss of your beautiful dog, this is the part of having an animal we could all really do without 😢
NTA. I’d mess with them and get frame holders with a photo of your dog. It would make them think that you actually felt that they were worthy of the ashes
NTA
Just say ‘NO’!
NTA but I recommend honesty and just tell them no. He was your dog, you paid for the cremation, and you aren’t splitting him up.
YWBTH – in your dog’s final year, your stepmom and sister care for them. They gave them love in the last moments of their life. They obviously became attached and likely your dog became attached too. They provided a loving home for your dog. Yes it’s your dog, but perhaps you should honor the people who provided a loving home for the dog when you could not. Would your dog want you to horde their ashes or would they want you to be show selfless love and share with people who love them too? Choose to be kind in memory of your dog. Let it make you happy that in his final year, final moments they were with people who love them like you did.
Long term; I think you should just say no; otherwise it’s a lie you’ll have to continue forever. Yes, it was your dog but they were grieving too. One of them FOUND him. Give them a little grace- they probably weren’t in the best frame of mind at the time.
Make sure they aren’t planning something sweet like turning the ashes into jewelry to give to you.
Tell them no.
Having suffered the loss of several pets over the years, we never thought of burying them ever since we either lived in rentals or on base. I can totally understand your desire for cremation.
A compromise; put a tiny amount of real ashes in the urn along with mostly fireplace ashes. Then it will be totally true that you shared some of his ashes with them. You simply never have to reveal how much of a portion you thought they deserved.
NTA and sorry for the loss of your sweet baby. Without knowing the dynamics of the relationship between your family and the dog nor everyone’s way of grieving…. I don’t think anyone is…over the top unreasonable. THeir presentation SUCKS though. I’d of been much more open to their idea if they had come over and say ‘hey, we loved the dog too’ can we have a small piece of him? Remember they were likely involved in finding the dog and are also having some trauma over that.
Splitting up remains bothers some people more than others. Some are disquieted by the idea of it all being seperated up. I respect that. Some wouldnt want to be part of the ‘transfering to another container’ type thing. I respect that too. It’s always been funny to me that I’ve ‘seen’ my dad’s ashes but utterly refuse to open the container where my dog is in. It’s a thing and everyone is welcome to their own reaction. Would you consider a cremation jewelery piece? It might be out of your budget but a little necklace might be nice for them and takes such a small small amount of ashes.
Why would they want to have his ashes permanently when they were ok with burying him somewhere they might leave in a year and never return to?