I (36f) have had a sisterly relationship with my cousin (37f) since we were born. We’ve always been very close. We hung out often as kids, grew up together, went to college together, were roommates, we even got married around the same time and lived in the same neighborhood.
I had been married for 12 years to my husband who had cheated on me multiple times, I had tried to leave several times over the years but it never panned out, I always went back. We have 2 kids (8&9 at the time of this story). We had moved of of state and away from friends and family for my husband’s job. Then my husband started to get violent and it really scared me and I finally made the decision to leave for good.
Our divorce was quick, it took 3 months. During that time I was really having a hard time. I felt pretty abandoned and didn’t have much of a local support system. I was also in the middle of a masters program. So I was stressed out. Family came out to stay with me a couple of times, including my cousin once. I was really grateful for the support and told everyone so. During this time my exhusband rarely helped with the kids, I was pretty much on my own.
2 months after our divorce was final, my exhusband committed suicide. I must stress that this all happened incredibly fast, I had barely begun to process our divorce, I was so busy taking care of my kids and going to work and doing school, I hadn’t emotionally dealt with much. We had his celebration of life a couple of weeks later, during this time lots of family from out of state came to help me with the kids and just support us.
The day after his celebration of life I went out with some friends that were visiting, my family was here and was helping with the kids. Before I left I had talked to my family members about plans for my kids, my cousin and sisters stated that they would take them out for the day, while I was out. Well I went out and admittedly had too much to drink. When I got home that evening, they werent back from what I thought would be a day trip. I called my sisters and cousin who didn’t answer. After some time my cousin called back and let my know she had my kids and she would have them spend the night in her hotel with her. I realize this was a good thing as I was emotional and enebriated. But I was pissed that she didn’t communicate her plans with me, I had a lot of anxiety about loss and losing my kids too. I told her I appreciated her taking my kids out but that it wasn’t cool that she didn’t communicate with me about where they were or bring them back when we had planned.
It was a really shitty time for all of us. A couple months later she let me know that she was still so mad at me for this that she didn’t want me in her life anymore, she stressed she needed some time. I apologized profusely, I knew that I wasn’t behaving well at that time. So I gave her space.
It’s been 3 years now, I’ve talked to her briefly a couple of times on the phone, sent some birthday cards, and things honestly seemed improved. But that’s about it, we have a very close family and I’ve really given her space. So I figured things were improving. But I saw her in person for the first time a few weeks ago and she just acted like I was non existent.
I know I was probably the asshole when my ex husband died. I should have been better behaved. But it’s been 3 years now and that was awfully traumatic and my cousin was probably the closest person I had in my life before all of this. I feel like I wasn’t given the grace I should have been given during that time. And I feel like at this point I don’t know who the asshole is. Help?
Comments
I don’t think you should have been judged harshly for anything you said while you were drunk.
NTA
It was a really shitty thing to do by your cousin to not communicate her intentions of keeping your kids longer than agreed.
SHE needs time? Excuse her?
You were systemically isolated, beaten, and abused, finally got the ability to leave your abuser, and when the divorce was finalized, he died by his own hands? Before you could process literally anything?
I agree with you 100%. You deserved grace here. A divorced survivor of domestic violence, who moved states away to live with your abuser?
You went out with friends for what sounds like the first time in ages, trying to process things
Its not like you left your kids alone, you had a plan
She over stepped, big time, and is rude to boot
Eta, im also a victim of DV, i guess i should clarify
Im probably biased against het simply for the audacity to ever speak like that to someone you love who has been abused
I still think you deserve grace even without that playing a factor though
You were drunk, what was her excuse?
NTA.
It was your husband not hers. She is not showing you any empathy for your dealings with a very troubled time. She is making it about her, which is entirely selfish. I’m sorry you feel that you cannot be perfect-imperfection is a human trait. You cannot be vilified for grieving over something so tragic. Granted, if you stayed in that state for a period of time then there would need to be consequences and accountability but this was one time?
She is trying to control the narrative and subject you to guilt for further manipulation. I would wash my hands of it and be grateful to know who she really is. Find better people to support you, you don’t need that kind of person.
NTA. You definitely weren’t given the grace you needed. Divorcing your husband doesn’t mean you wouldn’t have been affected by his suicide along with all the other stresses you mentioned. I can understand her being annoyed, but to drag it out three years is way too much on her part.
Nta
NTA
NTA…..
She should’ve communicated with you regarding having the kids sleeping over rather than you finding out yourself. It’s not her kids to begin with.
If your cousin still treats you that way, please don’t torture yourself by giving in and be too apologetic to her, you got to move on and build new circle of friends and build it back up.
You got this!! You’re an awesome mum! You don’t need this kind of drama anymore. You are everything to your kids!
NTA. Good grief. I’m sorry for your struggles she should have had more empathy for your situation.
NTA. It’s basic politeness to consult with the parent about keeping kids overnight.
What did she expect would happen? That you’d stay up all night, waiting for them to get home?
What an AH.
I suspect she had no idea how to handle the situation, took refuge in being nasty, and now doesn’t know how to get out of it. Too bad for her. You deserved better.