I don’t know if I’m an ahole or an idiot or a little bit of both. I feel confused right now either way and I just need to let it out.
For some back story/context: my ex (25m, Willy for the story) and I (24f) met when we were 18 when he had just moved to my state. We spent 4 hrs talking on our first date and from that day we were inseparable, visiting each other daily. By month two we were moved into an apartment down the hall from his stepbrother, I know he desperately needed his own place and I wanted out of my parents house so bad that we definitely rushed it but we were happy and having crazy fun like you do when you’re a teenager in love with no parents. We were good for a year until I found out he had been cheating, we tried to make it work when everything got worse. I cheated back (2x to his 20+ not right but relevant), I found out he was addicted to drugs, fought, he moved home, moved back…. A whole mess from 18-20 that could honestly be its own podcast. We got back together, moved back in together, and finally just decided to be fwb in 2021. That was the best decision we had ever made! He was sober and loyal even though we could see other people, we were best friends and really like family because we were also both low/no contact with our actual blood. He taught me confidence and I helped him grow emotionally. All we did was work, smoke, and hang out and we were ACTUALLY happy. 2023 hits and we finally part ways, get our own partners and go no contact for a full year. After that year we managed to reconnect single and become best friends (and fwb) again…… for a short 3 months and then he got a good job and moved back home again. We’re still best friends and have talked daily since he left a 10 months ago. We’ve dated other people in that time set firm boundaries and respected them when we did.
This brings us all up to the current day situation. I am single and Willy asked me about a month ago if he bought me a ticket to his state for a weekend would I go? Bangin, smokin, and hanging out like the good old days. I missed him like crazy and a free trip? Who says no to a free trip?! Buuuuuut Willy currently has a girlfriend a couple hours away. REDDIT HEAR ME OUT BEFORE YOU REAM ME! I have never cheated with him before this. I know Willy better than most people and he tells me damn near everything, I am well aware he has cheated on this girl with other people before this trip. He has cheated on every girlfriend, if it’s not me it will be another girl. I have been trying to convince him to leave her since BEFORE he cheated on her but he refuses. He can be loyal without a label but is a clown with one and owns that himself. I went…. I’m typing this from his bed rn while he plays some video games.
No I do not think him and I are going to get back together and honestly I don’t want that for us. From the position we’re in now I don’t think anybody is mature enough for that to end successfully. But I’m having a devil on one shoulder and angel on the other moment, now that I am here there is a tinge of guilt for this girl because I know the pain but there is also this part me that feels like he was mine first? and that if he gives me all this special attention even single it’s not so bad? Like I know he wouldn’t fly out another girl on his $ and there are girls he blocked years ago for me and keeps blocked but I got unblocked once he was single (completely different girl but caused the no contact and it was purely because I was his ex nothing sexual). We’ve been through so much that I just enjoy having his presence in my life and a chance to see him just meant too much to pass it up.
Am I an idiot? Do I write a book based off all our crazy shit and never talk to him again? Or am I just an asshole?
Edit: he has also made it clear that if I tell her I will lose him entirely. Plus there is always the chance she doesn’t believe me, and she’s still with him getting cheated on and I’ve lost my best friend
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Backup of the post’s body: I don’t know if I’m an ahole or an idiot or a little bit of both. I feel confused right now either way and I just need to let it out.
For some back story/context: my ex (25m, Willy for the story) and I (24f) met when we were 18 when he had just moved to my state. We spent 4 hrs talking on our first date and from that day we were inseparable, visiting each other daily. By month two we were moved into an apartment down the hall from his stepbrother, I know he desperately needed his own place and I wanted out of my parents house so bad that we definitely rushed it but we were happy and having crazy fun like you do when you’re a teenager in love with no parents. We were good for a year until I found out he had been cheating, we tried to make it work when everything got worse. I cheated back (2x to his 20+ not right but relevant), I found out he was addicted to drugs, fought, he moved home, moved back…. A whole mess from 18-20 that could honestly be its own podcast. We got back together, moved back in together, and finally just decided to be fwb in 2021. That was the best decision we had ever made! He was sober and loyal even though we could see other people, we were best friends and really like family because we were also both low/no contact with our actual blood. He taught me confidence and I helped him grow emotionally. All we did was work, smoke, and hang out and we were ACTUALLY happy. 2023 hits and we finally part ways, get our own partners and go no contact for a full year. After that year we managed to reconnect single and become best friends (and fwb) again…… for a short 3 months and then he got a good job and moved back home again. We’re still best friends and have talked daily since he left a 10 months ago. We’ve dated other people in that time set firm boundaries and respected them when we did.
This brings us all up to the current day situation. I am single and Willy asked me about a month ago if he bought me a ticket to his state for a weekend would I go? Bangin, smokin, and hanging out like the good old days. I missed him like crazy and a free trip? Who says no to a free trip?! Buuuuuut Willy currently has a girlfriend a couple hours away. REDDIT HEAR ME OUT BEFORE YOU REAM ME! I have never cheated with him before this. I know Willy better than most people and he tells me damn near everything, I am well aware he has cheated on this girl with other people before this trip. He has cheated on every girlfriend, if it’s not me it will be another girl. I have been trying to convince him to leave her since BEFORE he cheated on her but he refuses. He can be loyal without a label but is a clown with one and owns that himself. I went…. I’m typing this from his bed rn while he plays some video games.
No I do not think him and I are going to get back together and honestly I don’t want that for us. From the position we’re in now I don’t think anybody is mature enough for that to end successfully. But I’m having a devil on one shoulder and angel on the other moment, now that I am here there is a tinge of guilt for this girl because I know the pain but there is also this part me that feels like he was mine first? and that if he gives me all this special attention even single it’s not so bad? Like I know he wouldn’t fly out another girl on his $ and there are girls he blocked years ago for me and keeps blocked but I got unblocked once he was single (completely different girl but caused the no contact and it was purely because I was his ex nothing sexual). We’ve been through so much that I just enjoy having his presence in my life and a chance to see him just meant too much to pass it up.
Am I an idiot? Do I write a book based off all our crazy shit and never talk to him again? Or am I just an asshole?
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He’s definitely the asshole. But you aren’t far from it. At least convince him to dump her, no one deserves for this to happen behind their back.
girl wtf.. ur pissing ur life away on this and becoming a bad person in the process
That’s not a book, that’s immaturity and ignorance.
Uhhh yeah, you would be so wrong to go and be his affair partner for the weekend.
Yeah… yta. You made a conscious decision to do what you did.
YTA and a homewrecker.
“If not me, it would be someone else.” So idk, let it be someone else???
Why do YOU have to be the other woman? Sounds like you enjoy it. Sad.
girl what the fuck
YTA. So is he you both are immature and have a lot to learn about life . I’m disgusted at the lack of caring about others. One day you’re going to find someone who treats you good then when he finds out that you not only cheated but helped someone cheat that he will never trust you again. And that’s not to say what diseases you may have already.
This isn’t cute or special cause of your pst together. The only way you can somewhat redeem yourself here is by telling this poor woman what kind of her person her boyfriend is and what exactly you guys did together.
Why would you want to go back to your Rex for a weekend? There is a reason why you broke up with them and I do not see anything good coming about this. It might be fun, but after it’s over, comes to self loathing for what you did and that’s not good. There’s also a good chance that you might get manipulated back into the relationship as I said, you broke up for a reason. It should stay that way.
YTA.
He’s definitely THE asshole he cheats in every relationship and refuses to break up with his current girlfriend, even while flying you out for a hookup. But you’re also an asshole not because you’re with him, but because you know he’s in a relationship and chose to go anyway. Saying “he was mine first” doesn’t justify knowingly hurting someone else. You two are trauma-bonded, not soulmates, and while your history is deep, this situation is still wrong. You’re not an idiot—you just haven’t decided if being “the one he cheats with” is worth being part of someone else’s pain.
YTA period.
You’re both cruel immature people with no sense of healthy boundaries, respect for partners or basic human empathy.
I can’t imagine being so blasé about being a cheater and a homewrecker respectively. I wouldn’t even want to be friends with people as heartless as you two – my own friends and girlfriend would judge me for thinking this is normal.
A little bit of both (asshole and idiot, but seriously no offense, your words and just answering your question). I get he is your best friend but with the attachment and the history, the best thing to do after this trip is say goodbye and go no contact. And let it stick this time. For you. So you can learn to let go of this attachment and move on with your life. This hold your bond has on you runs a risk of preventing you from having a whole and complete healthy relationship. This bond can creep in and cause problems for decades. I speak this as a 44 year old woman who didn’t really start growing up til her 40’s and has been an idiot and an asshole in a lot of ways. Who has kept going back to a fucking amazing bond time and again even knowing logically it could never work. With two separate men. One of whom I eventually married and 11 years after we started dating woke up and saw things for what they were. I left and never returned. But not until he practically burnt it to the ground and it took me years to recover from the damage he did to me. My story is not your story, just letting you know I understand the attachment and the chemistry. The other man I couldn’t let go of was my first adult love at 18 and although we never got back together, I kept that door open when I was single until I was 41. I have FINALLY learned that when it’s over, let it be over. So my heart can be free and I can be healthier. It’s all fun and games when you are young but please, learn your lessons now and not when you’re my age.