So there is this older friend that I’ve known for like 5 years. But I know her from online and we’ve met like only twice in person (Cuz she never made plans with me). So yesterday we talked after a long time about our relationship with our boyfriend and I told her that my boyfriend used physical force with me during a fight like pushing, pulling and smacking my arm. And I am ashamed to admit it but I am still with my boyfriend, we have been together for 1.7 years now, and this was the first time he did that but anyways this post is not about my boyfriend. And her response was “My dad never hit my mum, that she would leave if her boyfriend dares to do it even once and told me that his boyfriend raises his voice when they fight but he would instantly stop when she raised her voice and she threaten to jump out of his car once when he got mad at traffic.
When we were in the conversation, I didn’t really see any problem during it, but after I told her this, and she is the only one I have told her about this incident, I really felt bad about telling her, I felt really embarrassed and ashamed that I was with my boyfriend even after this. But today I analysed our chat again, and this type of things keep happening, like I would tell her something and she would always change the topic to herself. And I didn’t really minded before but I did felt like she always has it better than me, better boyfriend, better relationship. But this incident especially, after reading our conversation again, I felt like she had no empathy for me at all in her replies. Like her friend is telling her that her boyfriend used force with her, and all she thinks is, my boyfriend has never done that and if he does she would instantly leave? Or am I the one who is thinking so negatively and she is just trying to emphathise with me or telling that I should just do what she will do?
Comments
Your friend isn’t wrong. This is not a story of assholes, other than the bf, but of values and self-respect
NTA. It doesn’t sound like anyone is at fault here. Your friend probably just doesn’t know how to respond to something so serious, so she defaulted to talking about her own situation. It’s understandable to feel hurt, but it’s likely she didn’t mean to make you feel bad. Sometimes people don’t know how to empathize properly, but it doesn’t make you wrong for sharing your experience.
Your friend sounds self centred, yes, BUT
She used an experience she knows of to warn you in a way and tell you you don’t need to tolerate that from your partner.
I know this isn’t about your boyfriend, but I think your friend actually tried to connect with you. There may be issues with your friendship however she has a point. You don’t need to be treated badly.
Part of me thinks the isolation of your budding-abusive relationship is what coloured your opinion here. You need to break away from the shame of putting up with it and choose better for yourself.
She tried to reach out to you with that comment.
You’ll be an asshole if you push her away to isolate further into this.
And, he WILL escalate. Watch how you keep things to yourself as your relationship happens. You might see people as rude when they really are telling you the truth, which is;
He’ll do it again. Muster up some bravery and realize you have nothing to be ashamed of, rather HE does. Leave for your own sake, otherwise you’ll see everyone who tries to reach out as “being against you”.
Thinking you are trying to get mad at the wrong person in hopes to sweep under the rug what the bf did.
I think she’s trying to tell you to leave your AH bf without being rude about it. She’s saying she wouldn’t put up with shit like that, you should grow a backbone and stop putting up with it too. You are ashamed and embarrassed, so she is handling you gently. You’re angry at her because she is telling you she wouldn’t put up with it (and neither should you). And yes, if your bf even threatens or almost uses force with you, you should absolutely leave. I was engaged to a guy and left him the moment he cocked his fist back to hit me. He didn’t do it, and I was not sticking around until he did.