Throwaway because i love posting my life on Reddit and don’t want this mess attached to it.
Been with my husband for 12 years and pretty much from the start he told me he has a fantasy to watch me sleep with another man. He isn’t the first man to ask me to do this you’d be surprised how many men ask women to do this. The thing is though my husband can be a little bit insecure to the point where I told him a year after we got together that I was thinking of leaving him because I can’t deal with his constant questions of who someone is and how I know them every time they comment or like something on my socials. Or every time I mentioned someone at work he’d start making passive aggressive comments.
He got better and said he realised how much of a contradiction he was being. Mostly his insecurities have calmed down with the odd flare up. About three years ago he really ramped up the asking me to sleep with another man. He’d mention it at least once a week and tell me which of his friends found me hot and stuff like that and he’d talk dirty while we had sex about me and other men. About a year ago I caved a little and said as a test I’d start posting revealing pictures on socials and see how he handled it. So I started posting gym selfies and outfit pics of me wearing very revealing clothing. Then when we went to Ibiza I sunbathed topless and even posted a picture on my socials where it was obvious I was topless and captioned it “men don’t like tan lines do they?” He passed all these tests and never once reacted negatively. While in Ibiza we went clubbing and he watched me dance with other men and seemed like he really enjoyed it.
Around six months ago I said ok but made him sign a piece of paper (obviously not legally binding but just trying to get it in to his head) that this can’t be classed as cheating it is a sex game to fulfil HIS fantasy, he said that all types of sex are ok and nothing is off limits and he will choose the man so I can’t be accused of any sort of cheating. He said he was fine with this. He’s a big man 6’4 and goes gym nearly every day. He chose a little skinny guy, 5’5 and not a bit of muscle on him.
Anyway tale as old as time, he wanted it, got it and now isn’t happy and is upset. He says I enjoyed myself too much, it was obvious I preferred the sex with the other guy, I was louder and gave him head longer etc etc there’s been numerous complaints. I’ve just shut him down every time and said I told him this is how it was going to go and he didn’t listen to me and I showed him numerous posts on Reddit of this exact thing happening. Men begging, their wives giving in, the men can’t handle it and they blame the wife. I said that’s not me I’m not taking any blame. I did exactly what I was told to do. Sleep with another man and put on a show and act like a pornstar. I did that, I held up my end he isn’t holding up his end of either enjoying it or accepting he asked for this.
He’s saying I’m being an asshole by showing no understanding or in his words taking accountability for my actions! He said if I knew this was going to happen I shouldn’t have done it and should just keep saying no. It’s like an adult who would purposely put his hand in a lions cage and then crying it’s been bitten off! AITAH? Should I be more understanding?
Comments
NTAH he got what he asked for
NTA. He should be careful what he wished for.
Take the BDSM test and see what his other kinks are.
His behaviour is insufferable. NTA
NTA and also this would be a huge 🚩 for me about the relationship in general. He broke YOUR trust.
So you know he was a deeply insecure man and considered leaving him the past before it.
You researched it and showed him numerous accounts of how men regret this. Don’t like it makes them even more insecure.
You then post a series of tests that aren’t really the same and he passes.
Then you sleep with a man not of your choosing just for him. And he doesn’t like it…just like he has never really gotten over any of the above.
At what point are you going to give yourself the self respect of not putting up with his behaviour?
His fantasy stems from his insecurities. You did nothing wrong but your husband can’t handle what he asked you to do.
I’m all for consensual kink, but there should be 0 pressure from either side.
If I were you I’d be pissed that he pressured me and then got mad when he got what he wanted! I’m sorry, but that’s some bs!
NTA. FAFO
You married an insecure man with the emotional maturity of a 13 year old who now poses as a 33 year old man. I suspect you have barely scratched the surface on how damaged and insecure he is. If he has been a good partner for the most part, you could show him my post and give him a shot to fix this shit in therapy, but is that a waste of your time? You are young enough to find a forever partner and (not to overstep) if you do want to have children my friend just gave birth to a beautiful son at 44. If kids are not in your planned future, there are still many men more mentally stable to be your forever partner.
There is an old saying. Be careful what you wish for, you might just get it.
You understand him perfectly well. He’s an insecure Ahole who got exactly what he wanted, then realised the consequences. I think this marriage is over. He’s never going to let this go and will bring it up every time he’s feeling insecure or you have an argument. That’s the problem with threesomes. The man wants it, then he can’t handle it afterwards. It’s always better to refuse to play. The game never ends well.
NTA – sounds like you made every attempt to make him realise he didn’t actually want it but he wouldn’t listen 🤷♂️
NTA – also this is hilarious he chose someone he likely considered worse/ weaker etc than him and he is complaining the other guy got a better reaction out of you lol.
Good for the 5’5 guy
Lol this dipshit got what he asked for, and if he can’t handle it you should dump his ass.
NTA, but your husband sure is dumb.
He’s the one not taking responsibility for HIS actions! He has literally brow beat you into something you didn’t want to do and is now pissed with YOU for doing it! Tell him why so you think I wrote out our contract? Honestly the audacity of the man! And how dare shift the blame to you for giving in and telling you you should have just kept saying no!! Absolutely not, HE should have stopped asking and acting like a petulant child! Not the AH OP, I hope you show him this post and comments.
Nta and he sounds exhausting. Why are you still with him?
You’re both the AH. Him for asking you to be his sexual plaything, and you letting him? He treated you like a piece of meat, and you degraded yourself for his sexual pleasure.
So now he knows that some fantasies are better in your head: FAFO.
He sounds like a liberal
So am you gonna carry on f**king the other guy?
Nta he is just buthurt that it looked like a smaller dude was way better at sex than him. He FaFo and only has himself to blame
He needs therapy and you need couples counselling.
Your husband sounds exhausting.
Edited to add: NTA
Wasting 12 years on this “man” is the real crime here! Like he showed his hand from the jump so please tell me he’s either rich or amazing in bed? Like I want to know what’s the pull towards him?
It was a trap his always been insecure and never stopped he just hid it, he wanted a legitimate reason to justify his insecurities, now in his mind his got one. I would suggest couples therapy. Your husband plotted I would have my guard up is i was you. This is a deeply insecure and damaged guy. You have serious problems in your marriage.
Assuming all this is true then obviously NTA. Don’t ask for things you’re not going to like.
Maam. You can either go to therapy and fix it, or you can leave and be free from whatever BS this man is going to get up to next.
I would choose the latter because being with someone this insecure who refuses to heal himself or take accountability is such a waste of life. Understand though that when you file for divorce, he is definitely going to tell people you cheated on him and make it very ugly for you. Jerks like your husband always do.
So good job on getting him to sign that document. Keep it safe so you can use it when needed
So partner, I want you to do something. And I’m going to bug/harass you for years and years until you do it. Then I’m going to get upset because you did that thing I’ve asked you to do for years and seemed to enjoy it. You should have known that I wouldn’t be happy when you did what I wanted so you should have kept telling me no so I could stay pissy/resentful that you wouldn’t do what I wanted you to do. Or you should have done it but not enjoyed it, because it was about me and just me, and had nothing to do with pleasing you, and you should have known that. You should have developed telepathy or something so you would have known I wouldn’t like you doing the thing I pestered you to do. For years. So that’s really on you.
Please don’t stay in this marriage. It’s toxic.
NTA he can talk it out with a therapist to resolve his feelings like the independent adult he is, you’re not responsible for his reaction when you repeatedly cautioned him about being sure he wanted this. You don’t owe him an apology for not being miserable enough while you did your best to fulfill his extremely intense and high-stakes fantasy. If he wanted you to not enjoy yourself but just be used and sad about it while he and this other dude had their fun, he needed to communicate that while this was all being planned.
This was something for him to HOLD OVER YOU,OP. This was his plan.
I mean frankly I think the getting upset ànd acting like you so desperately wanted it and preferred the other guy so much is…..
Part of the kink, no?
Like he a worthless horrible cuck and his wife is just gagging and dying for other better dick and she preferred it so much more.
Isn’t that the whole thing?
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. NTA, of course.
Make sure to thank the porn industry, pseudo intellectual writers and muppets on social media for pushing this narrative to the max. In a surprise to no one a pair bonded individual suffers the psychological equivalent of a brick to the face seeing their mate with someone else. You’re not the AH for acceding to his repeated wishes. He’s the AH for allowing himself to be weak minded enough to be manipulated by pure garbage and blowing up what he had. Good luck.
Was the other guy better?
So he’s TAH, In my opinion, for pressuring you to do this. Y ou don’t seem obviously perturbed so I’m hoping it was something you wanted to do for your own sake and not just for his cockold fantasy. I can be a bit prudish and sometimes judgmental when it comes to poly stuff but trying to look at it from the perspective that this could EVER be a good idea (which I don’t really believe it can) the fact that he picked the third and was quite insistent that you were a commodity he was allowed to offer someone else for his fleeting sexual satisfaction at the cost of trust in your marriage and his self esteem (and again , I’m assuming that you were a completely and enthusiastically willing party to being with another man, which I hesitate to truly believe) leaves him entirely to blame for the damage it caused.
Except that you knew what would happen and let him convince you to do something against your better judgment just to shut him up or, less charitably, BECAUSE you knew what was about to crop up as a result. Either way, it was kinda shitty of you also. My understanding of marriage beyond the binding legal and financial aspects is that the two of you are meant to be mutually loving and respectful complementary halves of a happier and well-rounded team. The whole of you is meant to be more than your sums individually and that includes looking out for each other in situations you don’t know you need to be assisted or protected. You dropped the ball here also.
Hope it works out for you, but your flippant attitude and his awful and dishonest behavior don’t leave me optimistic.
Typical cuck
I think YTA. You knew how problematic it was going to be and just to make sure you were right, like most women do, you went above and beyond enjoying yourself to the point where you knew it was going to break him. How many moans and grunts did you exagerrate just to get under his skin? For all your resistance you certainly couldnt keep your composure. You knew this, and now you’re just as bad as he is. YTA, he is a baby. Tell him to stfu while you go down on him until your jaw is sore. Or cheer him on while he fucks a friend of yours. Ya’ll are stupid.
Nah
this isnt a kink you engage in if insecure or jealous. Really as the one experienced in endukging this kink and also self aware enough to realize hes too insecure to handle this you should never have agreed
he had a fantasy sometimes those dont feel the same in reality as they do in your head. He learned this the hard way. Hes still allowed to feel upset about it.
you come off resentful and given you dabbled in this before and KNEW he would end uo hurt and traumatized by doing this it seems cruel in your end to enable him to jump off this particular cliff. Is the “i told you so!!!” Really worth it?
you talk about how you were always on the cusp of leaving him. Do you even like this guy? Cause it doesnt sound like it
He’s a man child who fafo but you’re weird as hell for entertaining it in the first place.
Why would you degrade yourself like that? You seriously get something out of this marriage?
Why’re u still with this person exactly
NTA not trying to bash or shit talk or your husband, but he literally asked for it and now he’s acting like a total Karen about it
Why would you stay with someone all this time who can’t accept it when you say no
Both of y’all need the Lord cause y’all broke your union
Fetish post
This comes under the heading FAFO. Never really understood this fantasy tbh. NTA.
NTA. Offer him the option of being able to sleep with another man to make things even😂.
Every time he mentions his issue, text him a copy of what paper he signed. Don’t believe any guilt or shame that he’s dishing.
Divorce then make sure you tell others so he doesn’t start lying
Get away from him as fast as you possibly can. He’s a weirdo and a controlling, manipulative one at that. Plus, he’s a baby who can’t handle what he demanded. All in all, he’s a loser. And he won’t change. It’ll just be something else. Not to mention that he’s blaming YOU for doing what he wants. Run. Run fast.
NTA. A fantasy like that is always better left as just a fantasy.
He thought you would hate it or not go through with it. He’s an idiot.
So basically what he really wanted to see was you not enjoying yourself with another man so that he’d feel better about himself and his sexual performance. He wanted you to have a terrible time just for him to get an ego boost. I find this horrible tbh
If his fantasy was to watch you get nailed by another guy and look like you hated it, that’s even worse, and it’s bad enough as it is. NTA .. your husband however, is a piece of work.
NTA What is to understand? He pestered you for a long time and despite you showing him other instances where it did not work out, he kept insisting you fulfill HIS fantasy. NOthing short of this was ever going to do and he would not shut up or give you a break!
Now he blames you instead of accepting responsibility for what he forced.
He is not going to shut up about this just like he would not shut up pressuring you into an act you did not want to do in the first place.
Imagine every day from now on having to hear him whine and blame you for what he wanted, for HIS fantasy.
Gather the financial paperwork, etc, contact a lawyer. Please don’t let him take any thing else from you or continue to make you miserable. He will continue to blame you and rehash this arguement until you both die.
First surprise you are still married to him. Second you control your own body and dignity and it is sad you allowed your husband to manipulate you to do something you don’t want to.
Choose your choice, deal with the choosing!
Sorry you had to go through this. NTA.
FOFA
It’s always two sides to every story , but your side make him sound extra lame.
First of all, NTA. You fulfilled his sexual fantasy, and he found out he didn’t like it. Now he’s saying you should have continued to say no. Maybe he should have realized the very first time you said no, it’s no, and wouldn’t repeat the question ever again. What did he expect? That he’d be asking until death do you part and you refusing until death do you part? At some point it gets tiring to keep refusing the same thing over and over again and you just do it so they’ll stop pestering you. I don’t even know if this can’t be considered rape, as you actually were coerced.
If you still want to stay together until death do you part, I think you guys need serious counseling. Not that you really need it (unless the experience left some trauma), but he does. And he also needs to hear in a professional setting how it made you feel, being used as a porn star and then blamed after for not having continued to say no. Because you may not have expressed it in your post, but I am damn sure that you had feelings about this too that weren’t all too happy.
I don’t think you understood his true intentions. The idea in his mind was that you were going to hate it. That you’d never even look at another guy because none of them would ever measure up to him. This was going to end all his insecurities. Except it didn’t. Sounds like you had a good time. Like the sex was just as good or better. So instead of ending his insecurities, it made them worse.
You need to know what to do going forward. My suggestion is you look him in the eye and say “I can’t go back in time and undo it so either you live with your choices or we divorce. Constantly bitching about it isn’t an option.”
Come be my wife, act like a pornstar for me! ☺️ I’m not the jealous type!