I (43m) have been married to my wife(45f) and we have 3 kids. My new coworker (34f) and I took a liking for each other which was very plutonic on my side.
We used to text but nothing that was questionable. Then she sent me some flirty text and a racy pic of her. I basically shut her down and told her I don’t have any interest in having an affair with her. I have a good wife who gives me a good life and I don’t want to damage it.
I decided to tell my wife what happened and we laughed it off, then she snooped through my phone. She found the texts and was very mad at me.
She was mad because she feels that if she is unable to be a good wife to me, I would cheat. I told her that I would divorce her first before I ever consider cheating on her.
For a bit of a context, I went through a bout of depression a decade ago, my youngest wasn’t born yet, I lost my job, it was dark time. Eventually my wife asked for separation. I was able to crawl out of the hole, got a job, etc and she came back.
But after that I realized that i can’t lose myself again or I will lose everything. For her part she has apologized for leaving and had been a good wife.
Now my wife wants me to quit my job and find a new one. I have refused.
I am definitely not gonna do it, I don’t trust my wife to not leave if I can’t find another job. I will lose everything again.
So I refused. She taunted me by saying that I just want to go with my coworker, that’s why I won’t listen to her.
I told her that if she divorce me, she has no business telling me who I date
I basically said to her that I am not quitting my job, I am not discussing it anymore. She will probably leave me if I quit my job and struggle to find another one so she may as well leave me now because I would rather be divorced, than be divorced and jobless.
She accused me of holding on to the past but how could I not. She left me once, I won’t ever put myself in that position again…
Comments
Oof. That’s a tough one. NTA.
You told her which was awesome – I’d want my hubs to do the same.
She sees you texting a woman and has confirmation that girl wants to pounce on you first chance she gets, so is insecure about the situation… understandable.
If she has really matured since the separation, then she should be able to work through this… Let her know that you both have insecurities about what each other would do in these respective situations, so the better solution is to work on trusting each other and maintaining boundaries at work.
And seriously, I don’t believe many husbands would tell their wives about this type of scenario…. I can’t say mine would even text a coworker of the opposite sex outside of work topics anyway, but still. That’s a bad ass move on your part to tell your wife proactively.
Tell her that you will begin either looking for a new job while staying at the current one or you could ask for a transfer from your department. Tell her your fear of her leaving you if you just up and quit then struggle to find a new job.
If the job is good, stay. Don’t quit, your wife will calm down. NTA. As you said, better divorced than divorced and jobless.
You chose to engage in a questionable situation with a coworker and now you’re doubting your wife’s commitment to you?
Your priorities are what they are. If your job is the only thing you want to keep, go for it. But I’m really confused as to why you’re approaching this as if she’s asking you to have NO job. You can’t find another job and THEN quit the current one where you’re working with someone who actively tried to get you to cheat?
It’s not smart to quit a job and not have a new one lined up. Are there other options? Can you transfer to another division in the company? Would you be open to actively looking for another job? Marriage counseling?
NTA
NTA Frankly I wouldn’t have even shared this info with her. You turned down your co-worker, wife has a flaky history as it is and her only benefit from knowing could be and is being able to use it against you as she is doing. Demanding you to leave your job because one woman flirted is a major overreaction, nor is it “holding on to the past” when she left you when you were unemployed before, that’s called using past behavior to inform your decision. I dunno why you allowed her back in, OP, but keep the job no matter what.
“Eventually my wife asked for separation. I was able to crawl out of the hole, got a job, etc and she came back.”
Yeah, that’s not okay. Fair weather friends are one thing but that can’t fly when she’s a wife and mother.
It’s “platonic” by the way. Unless of course your feelings were relating to or denoting igneous rock formed by solidification at considerable depth beneath the earth’s surface. I think we’ve all felt that way about a coworker.
I mean, you already know that your wife will only stick by your side when things are good, but when you need her she’s out the door. Don’t know why you’d want to hang onto that like a sad puppy…
Your wife sounds pretty awful. Sorry.
“I told her that if she divorce me, she has no business telling me who I date”. So basically you are implying that if she leaves you might or will date the coworker. Thus making it obvious you do have a bit of a (non- platonic) thing for her 🙄 I don’t think you should have to quit your job but I think that comment from you is very much an asshole comment to make and would leave your wife feeling much more skeptical about your intentions.
Please tell me you’ve cut all non-professional contact with the woman in question? If not then she’s got a valid argument that you’re being unreasonable.
If you have and there is means to avoid any interactions that are just the two of you it can be worked around.
As my grandfather would say, “the appearance of impropriety is just as damaging.”
You made a mistake telling her and letting her go through your phone
Yta for not refusing an affair with the right reason. If you had said you werent going to cheat because you love your wife and are not attracted to the other person then your wife wouldnt be mad. But you said your wife gives you a good life implying that if she was unable to do that for whatever reason, you would cheat or leave her.
NTA.
I’m sorry, but I think she might be upset bc it appears that you may have been interested in your coworker and your relationship status stopped you from pursuing her. Great you shut it down, but it looks like you left the door open for this other woman to hit on you.
Also, we don’t know enough about your bout of depression after losing your last job. Someone implied if your wife was sorry about the brief separation then she’d be secure enough to handle this. Also… if you OP has forgiven and healed you would trust yourself not to be depressed or that your wife would leave you for leaving your job.
Regardless, continuing on with your job like nothing happened is not really an option. So perhaps consider some alternatives to save this great relationship you have with your wife. Otherwise, divorce her and date that coworker like you suggested.
YTA for not having the transparency when you started texting out of work with a co-worker. NTA to leave the job, but can be done by looking for another one, and you can establish equally good, and YTA FOR NOT reporting the co-worker to the HR that way your wife knows you are in serious business. There are ways and steps to go about it. You do not get a free pass when you did not keep it transparent for what was going on, and that is how trust is shattered.
You need to break down where you went wrong and where your wife. And if she left you once she may have tried her best to come out of it before she left you, and back then you took it for granted, so for you to say she left you without any context or how long she was actually with you and how much good or bad she did to you has not been mentioned any where. So yes you are wrong where you are, and she may be wrong in certain places but rightly so.
I’m sorry but something seems off in your story.
You first start with “I took a liking for each other
From nowhere she sent racy pics and flirting texts
You “basically” shuts her down
When you tell your wife she was okay
When she sees the texts she flips out
Is bad enough that the wife asks for you to get another job
You refuse using something that happened years ago to prove that you need to stay in this job.
You say you wouldn’t cheat because you would divorce her first so that you can sleep with your coworker
You say if you are divorced than you can date whoever you want meaning the coworker
The math is not adding up IMO. It kind it feels like you are pushing your wife to leave you and you already envisioned the whole thing🤷🏻♀️
If someone leaves you when you were in a rough place, never take them back. That shoulda been your first lesson.
Eye roll…you exposed the text to keep yourself from getting caught. To basically prevent yourself from taking it to the next step. You were already texting with another woman and creating the foundation for an emotional affair. But she read the room, decided to try to escalate and you got nervous and decided to rat yourself out to your wife.
Generally it’s a bad idea to text with members of then opposite sex while in a relationship. There’s emotional cheating vs physical which can be just as bad. Maybe you and your wife should try therapy and see if that helps clear things up for both of you
YTA
Look dude you don’t get to “take a liking” to your young coworker, and carry on texting to the point where she felt comfortable shooting her shot.
You allowed the friendship to blur boundaries and it sounds like that’s what your wife is responding to.
Look for another job.
Why would your wife leave you for not having a job and sticking by your side? I would never be able to get over that
Wife should see a therapist
NTA
OP has literally don’t nothing wrong. He was chatting, platonically, with his coworker. Coworker crossed the line. OP, instead of engaging or hiding it told his wife.
She’s mad because he used the words “a good wife,” essentially. Pause right there. Yes I would not want to cheat on a good wife if she sucked it open you to cheating. How is this even a concern
Wife needs belp
Why can’t you keep your current job while you look for a new one?
Quit your job in this economy? That’s cray cray
This is hard because you are both NTA & YTA at the same time
for not wanting to quit your job i don’t know where you work but maybe it’s hard to find one in your field and as longs you’ve cut this co-worker in every non work related way I don’t see that much of an issue
But I also see where your wife is coming from. You refused an affair for the wrong reasons. She probably feels like if you guys hit a rough patch you and that co-worker will have something going on. As you didn’t really say you don’t find the coworker unattractive just that your life is good right now and you don’t want to mess it up. But what happens when it’s not good.
But you are also not wrong for being scared she’ll leave you again. That’s something you can’t just ignore she left when you needed her the most which makes it hard for you to trust that she won’t do it again.
Is there no actual compromise you both can do?
Why are you still with your gold digging wife?
If you can beat depression and crawl out of that abyss, she’s lucky to have you. You’re a prize, my friend, THE prize. No wonder your coworker is sniffing around you.
What I’m taking from this is that OP has been engaging in an emotional affair and wants to be the good guy so is pushing his wife to leave before the relationship with his AP turns physical. OP, have you gone to HR about the inappropriate texts your coworker sent you? You would score points with your wife, and give your story more credibility if you did.
I know it’s WILD, but look for another job while you’re working this one?
Why are you texting another woman in any sense? That’s weird as hell even if it is ‘plutonic’
You caused this situation so I’m gunna say YTA
NTA ultimately it sounds like your wife feels bad for the past and knows that it’s still on your mind. She probably dislikes what she did and has told herself she is a different person now, but how can you take her word on it? She showed her colours once and now that you’re aware you won’t put yourself in that situation.
All this talk, reading into the message what wasn’t there is just juvenile people online. It was a decent message and one cannot expect other people to communicate exactly how oneself would like it to sound.
Don’t quit your job over this.
YTA. Why would you say if she divorces you then you can date whoever you want?! You just verified her fears that you want your coworker and as soon as your wife were to leave you would hook up with her. That was incredibly dismissive to your wife and disrespectful as well. You owe her an apology. You were an AH. I think you two need therapy. You’re punishing her for protecting herself 10 years ago. That’s unfair and emotionally abusive.
Updateme
YTA- for thinking by telling your wife that she would be happy about this.
If your wife being with you is contingent on you having a job, well, that’s not a good partnership. I’d be disappointed in her too.
Well, you are a very logical man with self insight so I will just tell you this.
Keep standing for what’s right and what’s good, you seem loyal so a friendship is okay imo.
Also, it seems like she should not be demanding, if anything it should be her that gives YOU leeway by swallowing this large pill. Not you having to change jobs Not swallowing your large pill.
Well friend. “I have a good wife” might be taken like “until a better one comes along”. The choice words would have been something like.. “I’m deeply in love with my wife and children. They are my everything. I’m sorry you may have taken my friendliness with flirting, please discontinue these types of messages.”
Not the AH. Didn’t she understand the for better or worse part of the vows?
It sounds like your wife is upset because the only reason you didn’t pursue anything is because you don’t want to lose your good life.
Updateme
NAH
You also lost any ground to tell her not to hang out with any man who shows sexual interest in her, offered to hookup, or sent her flirty/sexual messages.
YATAH. The good news is that once she leaves your ass, you can get involved with your female coworker who you text with.
Why tell her about the co-worker and not share about the texts and photos? From what I read, your wife doesn’t feel emotionally safe and you held back because maybe you don’t feel safe as well.. if you love your wife and want it to work consider heal the past and find ways to protect your marriage.
She’s having insecurities there’s nothing uncommon about this at all.
The problem is addressing it is tricky. You can’t say “hey you’re just insecure atm but don’t worry I got you. There will be women at other jobs so we have to address the insecurity head on not change jobs.”
You can’t even say “strangers on the internet said…”
You guys need to go to couples therapy or counseling. The therapist will help uncover the real issue and you’ll fix it together. The bonding over addressing the issue together will strengthen your more than fixing the actual problem.
NTA
However you both should seek counselling because there’s an underlying lack of trust on both your parts.
NTA, she left you once when things got hard. Don’t give up your job. Tell her if this is the hill she wants to die on go ahead. You can upgrade your situation. She is only thinking with emotion and not logic.
Nta. But your wife sure is.