Both late 20s. Been together for 3 years. Both agreed from the beginning to not have kids. I had a vasectomy.
We were on vacation for a week. We were talking about the future, and some goals we wanted to accomplish.
She told me that she’s been hesitating for a few months, but wants to know if it’s possible if we can adopt a child, or do the doner procedures to have a biological one.
This led to a long conversation over why she now wants kids (she changed her mind, apparently. Something about a calling). I don’t remember the whole conversation, but that’s the gist.
I told her that this relationship won’t work. If one of us compromises, it’ll lead to resentment.
We had two days left before flying back. We knew the relationship was over, but she kept asking for cuddles and sex.
I told her, straight up, that I didn’t want to touch her at all. The relationship was over. No cuddling, sex, kissing, nothing. Not that I didn’t trust her, but no point in this type of affection since we were over.
We’re back home. We don’t live together, thankfully. I’m unsure if I was too harsh. Neither of us has reached out.
Edit: Thanks for the feedback, all. As for an ultimatum, it would have led to resentment. As for refusing sex, not every man is a horndog. I have boundaries. As for kids, kids are one of the biggest compromises. I enjoy free time, money, and being able to do what I want when I want (outside work). Also, I have sex for pleasure, not for wanting kids. Sorry.
Comments
NTA.
Here’s how relaitonships work: You meet someone. You decide if you want to get to know them better or not. If you do, you date for a while and decide if you want to have this person in your life. If you do, you date exclusively some more and decide if you want something long term with this person. If you do, you move on from dating and start a long term relationship of one kind or another.
If you don’t want to move to the next stage with someone, you do the ol’ “thank you for your time, this is not for me” and off you go. Politely.
This is not for you.
She will be pregnant inside of two months I bet
Ending the relationship is fine
Not wanting to touch her at all is a bit of an asshole behavior
Not trusting her lol
Both of you can do better
NTA! If you know that you don’t want kids, now or ever, and this has been your position all along, then I’m not sure what she expected. Best to move on.
Nah just no longer compatible
NTA. Once you realize you’re done, you’re done. No cuddles and sex is a reasonable boundary when you’re trapped on a vacation with someone.
NTA She had every right to change her mind, you have every right to not change yours. The relationship arrived at its natural conclusion.
NTA. If you don’t want kids and someone your dating does, it’s the responsible thing to do. I take this into consideration when I’m dating as well. I don’t want kids, not at this point in my life so if someone expresses that they do want them, I break things off. My mind isn’t changing and I know that. It’s only fair to them and myself to do so.
NTA. It was smart to go ahead and pull the plug. That allows her to go find someone that actually wants kids and allows you to not have to put up what would have become a beating a dead horse / never-ending request.
If you hadn’t dumped her…she might have stayed with you…resenting you…for years longer.
You seem aggreved she changed her mind? Let her go and find someone who can make her happy, as can you
Your statement on compromises is not how I view it. If you cannot compromise, then there is no future in anything. Life is full of compromises. Loving a person is no different.
NAH. You’re no longer compatible! She changed her mind. It happens.
NTA, you did yourself both a favour
Depending on how you said it your delivery may have been harsh, but your boundary was justifiable. You are under no obligation to share physical contact with someone, especially if you are no longer in a relationship. It’s a bit of a dick move to suddenly not trust her if this is the only thing she’s ever done, but you know her better than we do.
Ultimately NTA. This kind of incompatibility ends relationships sooner or later, so sooner it’s probably easier on everyone.
NTA. When people change their minds they have to understand there may be consequences with that decision.
Trusting her is irrelevant- You claimed you had a vasectomy.
NTA!!
You were not too harsh, break ups are hard in general. However it was the right decision to make, it won’t be fair to her if you don’t want kids but she does. You made the right decision even if it feels bad to you, I think with any person, if you genuinely love someone you’ll feel like an asshole for breaking stuff off and not giving physical affection. But you made the right choice, now she can find someone who does want kids and you find someone who doesn’t. It’s like you said you would feel resentment if you did stay and had kids despite not wanting them, or if she stayed and didn’t have kids despite wanting to have kids.
Not giving affection after breaking up isn’t harsh, you aren’t together anymore and it’ll only lead to some attachment or guilt for either of you if you had given in and decided to cuddle, kiss, or especially have sex. You both clearly have different views on life it seems now (even if you didn’t in the beginning of your relationship), and that’s okay. However it doesn’t mean you’re an asshole for ending things and not showing affection after, it’s the responsible thing to do. And it shows you clearly not only care about your own feelings but her’s as well to end things so she can possibly fulfill her want for kids and not be as physically attached after especially if you were to have given physical affection like she wanted.
Side note: I do find it rather strange she wanted to have sex after a discussion like that and making it clear you’re over, maybe that’s just how your relationship was but most people wouldn’t try to have sex after someone stating they don’t want kids, and breaking up over that. Even if you have had a vasectomy it still is a little weird but to each their own.
You were 100% too harsh. You gave her the ultimatum and you didn’t give her any time to think about her choices. You immediately shut down on her which makes me think that you really weren’t in love with her in the first place. I also think if she was adamant about having children then breaking up with her would have been inevitable since you both decided early that children were not in your future. You could have just enjoyed the rest of the vacation with her instead of acting like she had some kind of disease… it happens in relationships that our viewpoints or wants and needs change over time… but you were really quick to get rid of her instead of giving her time to really let it sink in that its either you or children..
NTA. Breaking up was the logical thing to do. As for not wanting cuddles or sex once you’d made your mind up, that’s a personal thing, and everyone gets to have their own preferences in such cases.
NTA. You’re wise to end it as you are not compatible.
Good man.
When a relationship is OVER and one person still wants sex, it’s often to baby trap.
No. Ypur not an asshole . You would be daddy soon.
NTA. This is the one issue you can’t compromise on. If one partner decides they really do want kids and the other does not, it’s best to split up as soon as possible.
NTA. The relationship ended because you no longer had the same goals.
She’s not entitled to sex or cuddles because she wants that.
NTA, very mature of you to end it immediately instead of stringing her along or making her think she can change your mind too
NTA She changed her mind. You didn’t. You also didn’t choose the timing for her to bring this topic up. She was looking to you for comfort after breaking up. Needing comfort is understandable, and if you were the only person she had around, she’s going to turn to you. While it was probably difficult for you to see her upset and not comfort her, the clean/clear break is better in the long run. She isn’t left holding onto some hope she can change your mind since she changed hers. You had different pictures of your future that weren’t compatible.
Why are you questioning if you were too harsh? If you were empathetic to her pain, but maintained that there was no longer a physical relationship and communicated that with as much kindness as you could, then you did what you could.
NTA…
She wants what you don’t want and apparently wants to change YOUR mind because she changed hers.
It happens, but at least you have control over your own non fertility and she can’t trap you.
You did what was necessary AND made sure you weren’t giving her any mixed signals.
NTA. This is my worst nightmare and I’m sorry it happened to you. You made the right choice, there is no salvaging that and no way to regain trust.
NTA. What else would you have ever reasonably been expected to do
NTA
I’ve always told guys “I dont want kids either mine or yours.” I even had my tubes removed in my 20s (only the ppl of reddit know since i say it a lot here when these kind of topics come up).
I’ve dated guys who said they were fine with it but months to a year in and they would poke holes into the condoms and would mess with my birth control (I’ve always used it to regulate my period). Some would tell me they want kids with me and had lied about not wanting them because they were positive they could change my mind.
Shit happens, people grow and realise something they didnt want (or did want) before they want (or no longer want) or with time they feel that what they did (or didnt want) is more cemented now
NTA you did the right thing in a tough situation.
NTA. Staunchly CF here. There is no compromising on this.
NTA
You were clear, responsible, and straightforward.
Nothing either of you could’ve done, and you were clear on boundaries, when your now ex was not.
Even IF you end up changing your mind, down the line, that’s totally fine.
Wrong timing will eff up any relationship.
NTA, you are very commendable for not compromising. Someone who doesn’t want to be a parent has every right to NOT BE A PARENT. You even took serious measures to not procreate. She’s also NTA, since it sounds like she hasn’t bothered you since splitting up. She was honest that her views changed and she deserves to find someone who can fulfill her now.
NTA
She wanted the affection of what you had so sge didn’t feel she threw away a relationship. She didn’t. She grew in a different direction.
You didn’t either. You made a choice about her change. You both wanted something different for the future. People grow and change, sometimes together, sometimes not.
It’s sad it ended that way, but it obviously needed to end.
Nope..
I wish more people had your resolve.
NTA – your life, your choice. Better Than having a kid you don’t want. Not fair to the kid or you.
Was it ok to end the relationship? Yeah. If you have these very incompatible views on children then continuing the relationship wouldn’t be a good idea.
Was it ok to deny her sex and cuddles? Sure. If you don’t want to have sex or cuddle that is entirely up to you.
Could you have been more empathetic to her feelings about the end of a long term relationship. Maybe. I wasn’t there, but the way you tell it makes me think she probably experienced your attitude as pretty cold towards her.
Speaking as someone whose ex partner of seven years continuously led her on to believe that one day they would in fact have children together, and then one day found out he had actually had a vasectomy years ago behind my back (during the time we were together), but didn’t want to tell me because he was worried I would leave him… you made the right decision. Kids are pretty much always a dealbreaker. I tried to stay with my partner for another year after I found out about the vasectomy because I thought maybe I could live happily without at least trying to become a mother, but it was something I wanted more than anything and I did start to resent him for essentially wasting my most fertile years by lying to me. You have every right to live your life without having children, and being up front with her allows her to start moving on and have that opportunity to have children if she wants.
I think it’s very important for both men and women to be aware that women’s maternity hormones tend to peak in their late 20s to early 30s. Therefore it’s common for women to change their minds about having kids once they’re a little bit older and enter the years of their sexual peak. I’ve seen too many posts on here of men acting completely betrayed by women who decided that they do want to have kids after all. If you don’t want to have kids, fine, then break up. But go into these kind of “deals” realizing that as people mature their goals may change, and stop acting like it’s a breach of a business contract or a personal affront.
NTA you did the right thing and rip the bandage off. She’s TA for ruining the vacation. She hurt her own feelings tbh. You did good and stuck to your guns.
NTA you are exactly right and did the right thing. People do change and your choices over your future no longer aligned. You did the right thing re sex too, the relationship was over it could lead to false hope or – potentially – worse once its clear the relationship is still over after the sex.
Nta. She’s mad and hurt now, but when she finds her husband, she’ll be thankful you did this. You did the right thing. She either needs to decide on her own that she chooses you over kids, or she accepts that you’re broken up.
NTA but it sounds like she will be better off. You sound insufferable In general
I mean its kinda a 🚩 that after 3 years you didn’t live together….but yeah this relationship isnt sustainable.
NTA
Hey guys. There’s a thing called baby fever. And both men and women get it. Crazy how you can change your mind over time about this
Raising my kids was very hard. And easier than now, economically.
But there’s two sides. And when we both hit 28-30. It hit. And now it’s hit her.
She’ll be better without you as well. If that’s what she want.
One thing I will say is if any of you ask your parents what the most fulfill and hardest thing to do in your life. Is to raise a child.
So much self satisfaction if you’re a nurturer. It doesn’t work well with narcissists.
Ah, Her biological clock started ticking.
NTA. She knew that you were childfree from the beginning. It was over the moment she decided that she wanted children.