We were on our second date/meeting and it was honestly really going well.
We were laughing, cooking together, chilling,etc…
She was very physical, like hitting me once softly on my shoulder and rubbing my sides with her hand.
At no point did I give her consent to touch, but I couldn’t care less
At one time she was standing in front of the refrigerator for a prolonged period of time.
I went over to her and put my hands on her shoulder and leaned in asking her what she is looking for.
She very sternly took my arm and told me she doesn’t like to be touched without consent.
The mood soured and she left afterwards.
She wrote me telling me she is very disappointed.
I completely understand her. But I wouldn’t even have thought of touching her, if she wasn’t hitting me and poking me in the kidneys 20 min prior.
Like she touched me without consent.
Comments
The problem was probably that you approached her from behind. A lot of people don’t like being touched from behind without warning.
NAH, it’s not inappropriate to touch a shoulder on a date
NTA, if that was a boundary of hers she should have said so up front and not touched you first. Good riddance, let this girl go and find a better one.
NTA – She overreacted and/or is a “Do as I say, not as I do.” kind of person.
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NAH NTA. Consent is a two-way street, but it’s also something that can feel inconsistent in the moment because everyone has different comfort levels and boundaries. She clearly felt comfortable touching you in playful ways, but that didn’t automatically mean she was okay with you initiating physical contact especially in a moment she might have been zoned out or in her own space (like standing at the fridge). From your perspective, it probably felt natural and reciprocal, given the earlier touches. From hers, it might have felt abrupt or unwanted in that specific context.
This is why verbal consent and checking in, even in lighthearted situations, can save a lot of misunderstandings. “Hey, can I?” or “Mind if I…?” keeps things clear and makes sure no one feels blindsided.
Move along, you aren’t compatible .
She’s already employing double standards. Consent works both ways, and obviously she thinks her touching you is fine, but not the other way around.
Don’t stick around to find out what others rules you need to follow, but not her.
NTA
NTA she’s a nutcase. If it were such a big deal to her, she should have mentioned it, and then not touched you at all without your concent.
From how I see it she’s jabbing your kidneys like a drunk raccoon at a vending machine, but the second you touch her shoulder near she decides to act like you just committed a war crime at The Hague.
That’s not “boundaries,” that’s DLC hypocrisy. You didn’t ask first , aright, fine , but she was running a one-way touch economy. Next time just get mutual rules in writing or do what I do: keep your hands in your pockets and your eyes on the prize… preferably the register.
While it’s right you shouldn’t really touch someone, specially strangers, without consent, she was touching you without consent so you assumed she wouldn’t mind if you touched her.
I wouldn’t say you were the asshole in this case, as you were just reciprocating and you didn’t touch her to be a creep.
Did you bring up the fact she was touching you without consent?
NTA – this whole consent shit really is going too far with this generation. On a second date how do you not expect some hands on shoulders? this is stupid. You did nothing wrong and dodged a bullet.
this is why i dont even try anymore, shits a warzone out there
NTA First of all you’re on a date and casual touching is flirting. Which she knows since she was doing it. You didn’t grope her or grab at her in which case I’d understand. This feels more like a power play.
NTA
Forget about her.
She is the type who would not hesitate to make a false accusation against you.
She’s one of those “I can hit a man if I want to but if he hits me back, he should go to jail.”
Fuck her. (Not literally.)
She’s touchy but you cant be touchy?
He didnt asked your consent but expects you do ask for consent?
Tf double standards and hypocrisy.
I would walk away.
NAH
The two of you have different comfort levels with being touch without consent. It clearly didn’t bother you, but it does bother her. You assumed that since she was touching you it was an invitation, but now you know that you were wrong.
In most cases you would have likely been right to read the situation as you did. That assumption isn’t always going to be the correct one, though. You have to decide what you do with that info going forward.
NTA. I hate hypocrites. I actually had a girl who slapped my ass once, it was a friend of a friend I didn’t really know what to do so I just slapped her ass back. She had the audacity to go to my friend and talk about how it was very inappropriate for me to touch her…
Fuck. I could never be with someone like this.
I feel bad for you. Sounds like you dodged a crazy bullet though!
NTA. If someone is touching you without your consent, that’s usually a sign that you’re allowed to touch them without their consent as well. I’m not sure why she thinks it’s okay for her to touch you, but not okay for you to touch her.
You are not the anus. What is good for the gander is good for the goose.
Nta.
She’s too much. If she’s got something against mild, friendly touches, she needs to be upfront with it. If she expects to be asked permission first, she needs to do the same with others. It’s really unfair to flirty touch someone and then shame them as inappropriate when they return a flirty touch back.
If I were you, I’d exit this feeling like I dodged a bullet
NTA – Doesn’t seem like your touch was inappropriate based on your description of how she was touching you. You should move on from her. Bullet dodged.
NTA … something is wrong with her.
Sounds like you dodged a bullet.
NTA. But see, she’s probably one of those who thinks everything she does is fine but others aren’t allowed to do the same things she does. Don’t waste your time.
You didn’t inappropriately touch anything. That was a very normal thing to do actually. This idea that nobody can even touch your shoulder to get you attention without getting a “consent” dressing down is insane.
Move on, she has some serious baggage and what you just experienced would be the high point of your relationship.
NTA, don’t get involved with crazy.
NTA at all. Don’t dwell on it. Don’t let one asshole ruin your life. Move on.
NTA. She touched you and there was no issues including “rubbing your sides”. But touching the shoulder innocent is wrong? If anything she is TA.
I would never mind being tapped on the shoulder like at all unless someone creepily done it like a complete unknown stranger
NTA but I’m a practitioner of HER initiating. Maybe I’m a little bitch of a man for that, but it keeps us both safe, and it proves she actually lusts for me.
Guy grabbed me on a first date and kissed me long and hard right on the sidewalk in public. I didn’t give my consent. It was awkward but I liked it. Have a third date coming up Monday. Probably going to fuck him. Might marry him. We’ll see how it goes.
U need to run. I think once you have broken the touch barrier. No other consent is required. And the consent doesn’t have to be verbal. I don’t mean kissing and other stuff. But we have a standard. There are people who touch and people who don’t touch. But once that wall is down it’s down.
ESH. If your gonna be touchy you should expect people to be touchy with you. That said you level of touch depending on a few factors can be seen as way above what she did to you. Not really a clear picture here but you could have made her feel trapped as described.
Ive met so many like this lol. Most women have a remarkable lack of basic self awareness.
It’s a No from me Dawg. She sounds like a chore. She treated you like a sex offender for touching her after she was touching you. NTA, but this is red flag territory.
NTA. The fact that there’s already double standards being enforced this early into knowing each other is a red flag and the text afterward was just another kick to the face. Sounds like you won’t be needing a third date.
NTA, she’s weird as hell for that
She has a rare condition where her nipples are on her shoulders. /s
She’s a fucking nut. Count your blessings that you didn’t waste more than two dates.
Oh buddy…. Be happy this happened now and not down the line. You dodged both some allegations and a bullet.
NTA
But, sounds to me like she may have had a previous traumatic experience and been triggered by you touching her from behind.
Was her explanation reasonable?
Did she hear you out and better understand after you reminded her she touched you first?
if not, time to go
if so, maybe she was just triggered by trauma and could use a second chance
NTA, AT ALL.
Everyone operates with different rules on getting consent, but you should be practicing what you preach, because youre showing people what your expected standards are.
Its absolutely reasonable to think she would be okay with you doing the same or less than her. If she wants to have hypocritical standards, she needs to state that outright.
Explicit consent is important for more sexual touches (butt touch, maybe even lower back, etc.), but for a shoulder touch, them doing it first is enough to reasonably assume consent.
The fact that she’s giving you a hard time over it (instead of just saying, oh, can we take a step back, I prefer to be asked, etc.) is really concerning.
Please dont project her behaviour any further than her, or let it bother you in future interactions.
As a woman, you did nothing wrong by following her lead. Just walk away and dont look back!
If she’s touching you but doesn’t like it when you touch her back (assuming you didn’t grope her or something) then she’s someone who’s very wishy washy and you’re better off just moving on. She’s sending you mixed signals and I don’t know about you, but as a man I don’t like that.
NTA. She was touching you without your consent by the looks of things but its not ok for you to do it? Very odd, red flag.
NTA. Rules for thee but not for me. Just cut your losses and move on.
Don’t play these stupid games, move on!
NTA. & run don’t look back. What you did was cute & not all inappropriate as she was touching you that evening as well. Look at a valuable lesson. She’s the one who would tell you your baby needs consent before changing the babies diapers
NTA. Touching might make one person super uncomfortable and another might not think twice about it. But if you expect consent for every little touch, you certainly don’t touch other people without consent.
Also, this kinda pisses me off cuz a shoulder tap is a pretty normal thing to do. I’d apologize if I touched someone and they didn’t like it for sure. Consent is such an important word, and her claiming “nonconsensual” for tapping her shoulder after touching you multiple times does not help the discussion.
She’s crazy. Don’t date crazy you’d be setting yourself up for a relationship full of double standards and gaslighting
Thank goodness I am no longer dating in today’s society. This is ridiculous and shows the double standard that exists currently.
She had no problem touching him without consent. But heaven forbid he do the same. I thought women wanted equality?
When she said she was disappointed you should have said “yeah I’m disappointed too, disappointed that you turned out to be a nut job” NTA
I think you may have scared her by coming up behind her when she wasn’t expecting it.
Call you neo cause you dodging bullets bro. NTA she’s crazy
Don’t spend any energy on this. Just move on
NTA at all. That’s an odd thing to say after touching someone first.
NTA and I despise double standards
Before I ghosted her, I’d explain that she had been touching and poking me for 2 hours prior to my touching her shoulder. Then I’d block her.
NTA.
She sounds awful. You dodged a bullet.
This looks like a classic AI structure
Some bitches just be crazy.
Nta. I think you dodged a bullet there. My boyfriend doesn’t like to be touched either but he told me that on our first date. And we never had an issue
NTA
Sorry fuck that and people like that.
NTA she’s a hypocrite and it’s a good thing you found out early. Tell her as such if she asks why there’s no third date, because she will. I bet she tries to claim it’s not the same thing.
NTA- she just did you a favor and outed herself as a “Rules for thee, but not for me” kind of fucking hypocrite.
Run run fast. Pure nut case
Control freaks do not make good partners. The blatant double standard was clearly being used to lull you into a false sense of comfort just for her to knock you on your heels and make you feel bad/dirty/guilty. These games are manipulation used to make you feel like you did something wrong. YNTA, TAs are the people that try and bully you into thinking this is completely acceptable behavior and not that of a manipulative person. What she did was very uncool given your description,
NTA, but she sure is. If I didn’t want someone touching me, I would sure as heck not be touching that person.
This reminds me of Ralph Wiggum. Lisa walks up behind him at a parade and tells him everything is OK, puts her hand on his shoulder for support. His eyes dart over to her hand and he screams “My special place! She’s touching me in my special place!” Same vibes.
wtf touching without consent?
Scene: on a date in public space
Me: really into him. Touches arm, wrist, knee
Him: digging it
Now I have to ask him if it’s ok to touch him to show my interest??
NTA. Did you let the psycho know that she touched you without consent multiple times?
Move along , she’s hard work
She would make you look at it and smell it for a year before she would let you have a taste.