I (24F) started a new job a handful of weeks ago. Everyone is very friendly, but I don’t really know any of them, aside from 3 of my friends who already work there, and I have known for years. I tend to not really chat to anyone whilst I’m working, and then will have lunch with my friends and whoever else tags along. On one of the first days, my friends and I asked a few people to join us, including one older male colleague (37M).
This colleague has been excessively friendly. Everyone else will compliment my outfit in passing, and he will continually go on about it, saying I look like a “goddess”. He regularly makes intense comments about thinking about things I say in passing “for weeks” (?!) or tries to DM me late at night. On one occasion, he showed me a 20 year old shirtless photo of him and commented that he still has abs. I have been brushing off all this uncomfortable behaviour as just a lack of social skills, and have not been rude or snappy with him, no matter how much I dread seeing him at work. Every single lunch time, even if I hide in the loos or pretend to take a phone call, he waits in the hall for me and tries to have lunch with me. I do not like having lunch with him because he spends the whole time staring at my chest.
This came to a head when I (stupidly) accepted a lift into town after work from him, and he felt it appropriate to grab my fucking thigh while I was in a moving car alone with him. Obviously it is wildly unsafe to try and scream and hit a much older man you’re alone and stuck in a car with, so I just quietly left and didn’t make a big scene. The next day at work I tried to avoid him, but he came and sat directly next to me at the desk. I didn’t make eye contact with him all day, and ran off at lunch so he wouldn’t follow me. He DMd me multiple times to ask where I was and if I was having lunch alone.
At the end of the day, he confronted me and said how upset he’d been all day that I wasn’t giving him attention. This was in the office in front of our colleagues so I had to give an awkward explanation about being busy with work and not having to talk to colleagues, whilst trying not to cause a scene. He was clearly unsatisfied with this.
AITAH for not sitting down with this grown man to explain why I’m no longer being “nice” to him?
He’s nearly 40, and I really don’t think he needs a broken down explanation about why it’s not okay to touch women half his age in a closed space alone with them. Surely it’s not my job to manage his feelings and let him down easy? He’s made it very clear that his day is “ruined” and he “dreads” coming in if I am not there to talk to him. Like I said, I barely know the guy, I’ve only been as friendly to him as you would be to any colleague you’ve just met, but he seems to believe that means we have a relationship that needs discussing. Do I really need to break down to him that I don’t want him near me, and exactly why? I just can’t bear the sad puppy dog act, as if I’m responsible for his feelings.
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I (24F) started a new job a handful of weeks ago. Everyone is very friendly, but I don’t really know any of them, aside from 3 of my friends who already work there, and I have known for years. I tend to not really chat to anyone whilst I’m working, and then will have lunch with my friends and whoever else tags along. On one of the first days, my friends and I asked a few people to join us, including one older male colleague (37M).
This colleague has been excessively friendly. Everyone else will compliment my outfit in passing, and he will continually go on about it, saying I look like a “goddess”. He regularly makes intense comments about thinking about things I say in passing “for weeks” (?!) or tries to DM me late at night. On one occasion, he showed me a 20 year old shirtless photo of him and commented that he still has abs. I have been brushing off all this uncomfortable behaviour as just a lack of social skills, and have not been rude or snappy with him, no matter how much I dread seeing him at work. Every single lunch time, even if I hide in the loos or pretend to take a phone call, he waits in the hall for me and tries to have lunch with me.
This came to a head when I (stupidly) accepted a lift into town after work from him, and he felt it appropriate to grab my fucking thigh while I was in a moving car alone with him. Obviously it is wildly unsafe to try and scream and hit a much older man you’re alone and stuck in a car with, so I just quietly left and didn’t make a big scene. The next day at work I tried to avoid him, but he came and sat directly next to me at the desk. I didn’t make eye contact with him all day, and ran off at lunch so he wouldn’t follow me. He DMd me multiple times to ask where I was and if I was having lunch alone.
At the end of the day, he confronted me and said how upset he’d been all day that I wasn’t giving him attention. This was in the office in front of our colleagues so I had to give an awkward explanation about being busy with work and not having to talk to colleagues, whilst trying not to cause a scene. He was clearly unsatisfied with this.
AITAH for not sitting down with this grown man to explain why I’m no longer being “nice” to him?
He’s nearly 40, and I really don’t think he needs a broken down explanation about why it’s not okay to touch women half his age in a closed space alone with them. Surely it’s not my job to manage his feelings and let him down easy? He’s made it very clear that his day is “ruined” and he “dreads” coming in if I am not there to talk to him. Like I said, I barely know the guy, I’ve only been as friendly to him as you would be to any colleague you’ve just met, but he seems to believe that means we have a relationship that needs discussing. Do I really need to break down to him that I don’t want him near me, and exactly why? I just can’t bear the sad puppy dog act, as if I’m responsible for his feelings.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I understand that from his perspective, I’ve just suddenly gone from being nice to him, to avoiding him, but I think it’s for pretty obvious reasons. I’ve dealt with a similar situation to this before, and it usually ends with the guy deciding you’re trying to deliberately manipulate the situation, or are being unfair or something. There’s something in my brain that is telling me it’s unkind to not give him an explanation and manage his feelings, but jesus CHRIST, I do not want to have to justify to a GROWN MAN why I am uncomfortable with him grabbing my leg. AITAH for just avoiding him for my own comfort? I don’t think I necessarily have an obligation to talk to my coworkers, most of them I don’t speak to at all as it’s a very large office. He clearly believes he’s the exception.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Go straight to HR.
NTA. He sexually assaulted you and is now trying to manipulate or intimidate you into thinking you are somehow the one at fault. You aren’t. There’s a good chance you’re not the first person he’s done something like this to.
Report him to your employer (get support from your union if you’re in one), and to the police if you’re comfortable doing so.
NTA, but if you just ignore him, it sounds like he’ll keep bothering you. You might want to simply say, “I don’t appreciate being sexually harassed by a coworker, it needs to stop.” Then report him to establish a trail. HR won’t play around with stuff like that.
Absolutely NTA – he is disgusting and his behaviour is beyond unacceptable.
He is almost 40 and harassing and manipulating a new, much younger female member of staff. It’s inappropriate on so many levels. Report everything to HR.
Yes, talk to HR. Sadly, sometimes men mistake professional courtesy or friendliness as meaning a woman is interested romantically. HR may counsel you to frst say something to him directly or via email to see if that nips it in the bud. But some guys are so narcissisctic. We once had a lovely receptionist that a client hit on. She complained to HR. The firm partner who serviced his account then called and told him to leave her alone. They guy still didn’t get it — he sent her flowers. Head of HR then had to call this big wig client and tell him to lay off. He had the audacity to tell HR head that she didn’t understand their special relationship. At which point, HR head said, no, you don’t understand. Receptionist asked me to call you and to stop bothering her. You have no relationship with her — she was merely courteous to you as she would be to any other client. And basically told him to cut it out. These guys are so dense sometimes.
But no, you are NTA — and you are not responsible for educating him about how to treat co-workers and how creepy and frightening it is for a guy to grab your thigh in a confined space. Yuck! Also — you should ask HR about sexual harassment training and suggest they use some of these examples in the training. Every company or educational institution I’ve ever been at had us take this yearly. Sounds like your creepy colleague needs a refresher. Good luck! Update us!!!
He probably does need the explanation, in his mind all he sees is that you accepted a lift from him and you let him grab your thigh.
Yes it is ridiculous but if you keep saying nothing, he has interpreted that as you being on board with the romance in his head, why would that change now? He will just keep trying and trying and being oblivious to your disinterest. If you keep doing the same thing and not engaging , why expect different results?
I’m sorry you have to deal with this socially unaware coworker but you have to be more firm and stand up for yourself
NTA but you should get ahead of this. In most cases HR would be a help to navigate this but if not you do need to make it clear you only see him as a coworker. He’s not taking subtle hints so you do have to communicate this out loud or in an email. Tell him you are not interested in anything outside of a professional relationship.
Report him to HR. NTA
NTA but he is getting where you might need HR.
> This was in the office in front of our colleagues
Honestly, imo, this is better for you. When these things happen in private, you get chorus of people who dont believe you. At least your friends seen the situation.
NTA obviously, but you really do need to spell it out. An absence of “no” is absolutely seen as a yes by lots of men, then they will say they just thought you were shy or something.
You should have told him explicitly, and in front of your other colleagues, when he asked. No need to get angry or insult him, just say “I have actually felt very uncomfortable since you grabbed my thigh in your car yesterday so I’ve decided to keep my distance.”
Your coworkers will be shocked, and if that doesn’t embarrass him enough to keep quiet, you can bring up the topless photos and constant comments.
I’d go to HR straight away too, before he makes any malicious complaints.
NTA
It sounds like you have not told him his advances aren’t welcome, and you give him excuses when he asks instead of telling him the truth. So, as far as he knows, you want him to pursue you. You need to tell him.
I would send him an email (so that it’s in writing in case this goes further) and tell him that his advances are unwelcome and to please stop. Tell him you dont want to discuss it further, but he just needs to leave you alone. If he doesn’t stop, then go to HR.
Report him to HR immediately and report to the police for his grabbing of your thigh. Take a copy of the police report to HR. You can not be alone with this man ever again.
Just tell him you aren’t interested in him, and that he seriously overstepped in the car. This makes you uncomfortable around him and want him to keep his distance. Reiterate in writing, take screenshots. If he persists – talk to HR. NTA.
NTA, but your arithmetic could use some work. 37/2 = 24? 🙄
NTA. But you need to go to HR and your boss and tell them everything.
Make a scene. Document in email that you CC your boss and HR. His behavior is sexual harassment. Stop being nice.
It’s time to stop being friendly and start to loudly ask him to leave you alone