This happened a couple of weeks ago and I still don’t really know how I feel. I’m not sad, not angry… just weirdly numb.
My (29M) girlfriend (Anya, 31F) and I had been together for almost five years. We met at work and moved in together during the pandemic. We’ve had ups and downs like everyone else, but I honestly thought we were solid. I was even thinking about proposing sometime this year.
A few months ago, she told me she signed up for a “three-week silent retreat” at a meditation center in Oregon. I thought it was a bit unusual, but she’s always been into wellness and spirituality. I was supportive. I made sure she had everything she needed, even helped organize her flights.
While she was gone, she barely messaged me (which I expected because of the “silent” part), but when she came back… something felt off.
She was quiet, emotionally distant, kept talking about how she felt “lighter,” “free,” and “more in tune with her path.” I tried to give her space to readjust, but the warmth between us was just… gone. I assumed she was still decompressing.
Last Friday, she asked if we could talk. She sat me down and told me that during the retreat, she realized she had outgrown our relationship. That our energies were no longer aligned. That she loved me “deeply as a soul” but didn’t feel “romantic resonance” anymore. She said I was “beautifully stable” but she needed to explore her wildness.
I just sat there. I didn’t cry. I didn’t argue. I think I just blinked and said, “Alright.”
She stared at me and asked if that’s really all I had to say. I just shrugged. She got frustrated, said it proved her point — that I was emotionally unavailable and indifferent. That she needed passion and fire, not “safe neutrality.”
I didn’t know what to say. I mean, what do you say to that? She already decided. It’s not like I was gonna beg someone to love me again.
She packed a small suitcase and said she’d come back for the rest of her stuff later. That was it.
My friends are divided. Some say I was too cold, that maybe I should’ve fought more. Others say she blindsided me and I handled it with grace.
I don’t know. I feel like maybe I should’ve said something… anything. But after everything she said, I just didn’t see the point.
AITAH for not reacting the way she wanted?
Comments
There isn’t really a “right” way to react, just move on.
NtA. Brother you just doged a life time of new age nonsense and bullshit. She’s for sure banging a dude who wears crystals. Enjoy life man, things will only improve with that out of your life.
NTS.
NTA. The problem with this kind of ‘spiritually enlightened’ reasoning is that its a way for people to just do whatever they want, but cast it as somehow morally superior.
Your ex wants to explore more and have passion driven relationships? Fine. Does she need to justify that by saying its a spiritual calling? No. Its just preference. The only way you can avoid being either roped in or talked down to is by moving on. What else can you do but let her do what she wants?
NTA. That’s some world class flaky shit there from her.
I mean…I don’t want to read too much into it, but her saying she wants to “explore her wildness” means either she wants to get wild and freaky with others or pull a Christopher Mccandless.
Either way, atleast you’re out of a relationship where only the affection is one sided. Good on ya. NTA
NTA. Mad respect for your response. After her flaky breakup she didn’t deserve any reaction from you.
The classic “my friends are divided” line. Way too many stories have this or “my family is divided”.
Ugh fine! Have it your way! (Gets chainsaw)
NTA. Love it.
Never beg for someone to stay.
If that’s what she was hoping for it’s just pure manipulation. Who wants to be in a relationship with that. If she wanted something specific out of you, she should have used her adult words and communicated that. Instead she played games.
My husband can be emotionally unavailable and come off as indifferent sometimes. That doesn’t mean he is. He’s been solid with me our entire marriage. He’s been with me through 3 surgeries. Stayed all day with all 3. He washed my hair so I didn’t get my stitches wet. We’ve cleaned up after each other being sick. That’s love. Love is during the rough times, not just the good times.
She’s the one who pulled back, not you. Never beg. If you do you will never live it down.
Translation – she wants to embrace her wild side with Chad or Tyrone, or maybe Chad AND Tyrone.
NTA
NTA. Why would you fight someone when they tell you that it is over? You handled it well. You gave her what she wanted, which was freedom without sacrificing your dignity. It sounds like you two are on 2 different planets and it is better to find out now than to get married and find out later.
During your relationship did she ever ask for more from you emotionally? Like was this an ongoing issue? Did you find out if she legitimately went to a “spiritual retreat”? If not there could have been someone else.
Are those types of retreats mostly teaching people how to be more stoic? Lol. You outdid the hippy for “accepting” what life throws your way. NTA
Well, let’s insert a nonmisogynistic answer for counterbalance.
You moved in together during the pandemic. A lot of people made choices under that pressure, or sacrifices to keep the peace. Yes, men did too… but women are already socially expected to do so more than men. It was compounded. And against the chaos of the unknown, stability is very appealing. Safer. But once the danger is no longer applying a pressure cooker, but the relationship hasn’t grown out of it, it can feel like stagnation.
The things you thought were “ups and downs” may have been more. No way to know since there was no conversation engagement or resolution. There often isn’t.
On top, it’s been five years, and you were still thinking of maybe proposing… ? How long has she expressed desire wanting that, and felt put off possibly? Again, no way to know because it wasn’t discussed.
I am sorry that you are hurting and lost a person you love and a relationship you had built. I am glad she didn’t string you along. She felt safe enough with you to speak up clearly and leave calmly, an exit many posts here show is rarer for some.
I hope you find amazing people and better compatibility in future.
you did handle it with grace though.
You have to pick the battles, you evidently knew it was over
You didnt scream, cry or beg, you accepted it and moved on.
She wanted a reaction, you provided one, but not what she wanted.
this says more about her than it does about you.
I for one think you dodged a nuke.
NTA
NTA! We shouldn’t beg for love or convince someone to love us!
I don’t think there was a right answer there my friend. I’m sorry.
And if one or both of you had outgrown the relationship it kind of sucks that her blindsiding you with enlightenment is cool, but your reflex reaction to respect her choice is somehow emotionally unavailable.
Are you sure this retreat was legit and not some sort of culty scam?
She went on a 3 week fuck fest and found someone else.
NTA. You made the right call.
She checked out of the relationship months ago. She had already made the decision to break up with you before she even booked the “retreat”.
This whole “retreat” thing rings suspicious to me. There is more to it than what she let on.
But it matters not. It’s over. You handled it correctly, and learn the lessons.
Nta. She’s an idiot
NTA
I think she hit the nail right on the head. She’s looking for drama, you’re not that guy.
I know it’s tough now, but once you’ve had a chance to process I think you’ll see that this is for the best. Blessings on you.
nope, you dodged a bullet, ” she needed passion and fire, not “safe neutrality.”” – translation = drama… ike sure, its abalance you want there to be thrill/excitement/ passion, but you don’t want it to veer into drama, this looks like she wanted the drama of a fight… that just sound exhausting.
NTA. She dropped a load of psychobabble on you as a reason for dumping you and she wanted a convo about it?? Bullshit. Alright was all she deserved.
Dude, you maintained your dignity. If you had cried and begged, this would’ve also proved to her that she was right. If you had raged and beat up a pillow… same thing.
You may find yourself crying and raging soon. Do it on your own time, and at your own pace. Don’t do it with her as an audience. Don’t give her the satisfaction.
NTA. Help pack her stuff. She’s deeply immature.
Had you reacted the other way, she would have hit you with… see, you’re too intense, I need someone to be calm and understanding.
She met some hairy guy who doesn’t bathe and tried to break up in some it’s not you it’s me way and it backfired… Because it really was her. 😂
If someone comes back spouting bull and breaks up with you to get a reaction, simply pack your stuff and move on. They have too many issues to be worth it
Oh, and she totally got boned by her spiritual sherpa Bhodi (who is really named Bob and works for UPS most of the time)
NTA. Move on and find someone who isn’t nuts 😄
Find a proper women who doesn’t believe in all of that mumbo-jumbo and who will appreciate you.
Be thankful that you don’t have kids with her, change your locks and go and have fun.
Your reaction suggests that there was no love in this relationship.
Do NOT take her back. She’s going to realize that she made a mistake once she cannot ‘manifest’ the life she wants — by then you should be with a younger, funner model who you have a real connection with.
You can be the safe place for someone who isn’t allergic to peace.
YANTAH
So chances she fucked one of the spiritual douches to feel wild are high, either way from that flowery language, she was not soul mate material. Consider it time well spent learning what not to look for in a soul mate.
NTA, enjoy your freedom for a while.
INFO: Did “spiritual retreat” involve a bunch of psychedelics? The way you describe her words makes me think she did a heroic dose of mushrooms or freaking ayahuasca.
There can be a heck of a roller coaster with “passion & fire”.
Bet you anything she’ll come crawling back within the year. Best of luck to you. You handled it beautifully. NTA
How cruel of you. You were supposed to demonstrate your undying and no expiration date commitment to her by promising to put yourself on a shelf waiting patiently for her to perhaps return once her spiritual growth needs had been satisfied.
Or put plainly. You were meant to give her peace of mind that while of finding her “wildness” AKA sleeping around some more. That if she caught Guru Chad aligning some other girl’s, internal chakras or she tired of having to always have to pay for his free range, cruelty free tofu tacos. That you’d be right where she left you. Ready to gratefully welcome her back in to your embrace of grown up functional adult style “safe neutrality” and “beautiful stability”. I couldn’t be more proud of your response to this garbage if you’d only laughed hysterically at her as you packed her bags. NTA.
Nta good for you for being indifferent. Life moves on
She sounds linsufferable
NTA. So much to unpack here. First thought is any healthy relationship should be about finding someone you are compatible with and accepting their authentic self and being fully accepted. Not being pressured to behave contrary to your normal self. I wonder what the narrative would have been if you “reacted”??? Think about it. It could have gone down a much more negative path. The fact you were calm, cool and collected is not a bad thing. You might have been caught a bit off guard or somewhere deep inside your intuition was telling you things were not adding up. There is nothing against a solo vacation but most of the time when you’re still in the pre-marital dating phase, you choose to do fun things together!! I do agree with some of the comments about her possibly stepping out and not being faithful. If she is reacting strongly it begs the question why? Most adults that are in a healthy non-toxic relationship have open and honest conversations and accept each other’s differences. Another thought, in my opinion, 5 years is long enough to know if she is the one you want to marry. I get the impression you were still in the contemplative stage. Again, your reaction speaks volumes. It sounds like she is not “your person”. I’ve been married twice. First, definitely a mistake and I knew going into it but was too immature and scared to call off the wedding. Second marriage, I’m almost 30 years in and I knew he was the one within a year of being together. Process your thoughts and if she wants to talk, be open and honest and then move on. No matter what, you have learned valuable lessons in these 5 years about what you want from a relationship I’m sure. Be sure to update us!!!
If this isn’t AI BS then I’m wondering if she is. Did she really go on a retreat or was it a booty call trip with someone else. She definitely seems to have expected you to fight for her, to beg her to stay etc.
Sounds like Guru McHandsomeman opened her chakras…
Translation : she likes your stability but wants to see if the grass is greener elsewhere.
At least she’s honest with you.
I wouldn’t take her back if she tried to anyway.
NtA
Don’t fuck crazy, but if you do don’t stick around… NTA just a dumbass
All this spiritual nonsense is just fancy words for selfish people. The only people I’ve met into it are self-absorbed, egotistic, and frankly annoying. Get some rose quartz to realign your Chakra when Venus is in retrograde or something. Besides that, you handled it with grace. She said she outgrew the relationship. She was mad you didn’t fight and cry and beg because she has a big ego. The fighting for the relationship happens while you are in the relationship, not when you’ve already decided to walk. You took the only action that doesn’t make you look like a chump. Just accepted it. Nta. Also, there is a non zero chance she was fucking a dude with magic rocks. These spiritual hippy losers love blaming all their actions on rocks and energy and the stars. It’s like a get of jail free card.
NTA
You’re not the asshole for not putting on a broadway performance. I don’t know who could possibly think you would be, because the scenarios so ridiculous as to encourage this kind of response.
Your girlfriend goes on a spiritual retreat(or just got run through by a metric fuck ton of dudes) and came back acting woo woo AF. She tells you she’s leaving because she wants “passion”(dick) and it’s more or less a done deal, so what exactly are you supposed to do? Satiate her ego by falling to pieces? Fuck no.
No, well done. Disconnection is as normal as connection. If you get emotional down the track that’s normal too, you’re mature for being able to let go without making a scene.
Wow, she went to a spiritual retreat but came back wanting to explore her wildness lol
NTA and she’ll likely realize she was ridiculous and try to come back. So change your locks once she’s gone and get her off the lease asap.
You went numb to protect yourself, you’re in shock. It’s good you didn’t give her some big emotional reaction. She blindsided you and she’s not owed any theatrics. Stay neutral (it’ll drive her nuts) and then have some zen time of your own in your home while redecorating.
NTA
“Explore her wildness”?
Dude, she spent three weeks being ridden more than Seattle Slew.
Get tested and then move on.
I think you handled it fine!!
She’s just butt hurt you didn’t beg🤷
“I mean, what do you say to that? She already decided. It’s not like I was gonna beg someone to love me again.”
And, there you have it. Dodged a fake wedding, a likely divorce, and potentially confused kids.
Now you level up the exercise for physical and mental health. Stay away from the booze. And from one (although happily) married father of 3 at age 49… go enjoy your new freedom, homie. Heck. Consider moving to a new location if that’s interesting to you.
The journey From beautifully stable to emotionally unavailable 😂😂
She spent those three weeks fucking other people my guy. She wanted to see if she had enough power over your emotions to stick around a little longer or at least stay in contact. The only person who’s actually healing here is you.
NTA.
She wants someone dramatic.
Or rather, she thinks she does. She’ll find out soon that drama is exciting… and exciting means unstable and full of conflict.
NTA. She most likely got fucked by the guru using spiritual mumbo jumbo reasoning as it’s a common occurrence in these new age retreats.
She will soon join his cult and become one member of his harem.
NTA. Despite what quite a few others are saying about the specific nature of the retreat in this instance, the truth is that often a factor that makes us attractive to and attracted to others is our mutual issues. When one person evolves beyond where they were at, it often changes what they are attracted to in a partner. It doesn’t really matter what type of therapeutic process it is, and fighting it is likely to be future. In my view you handled it in a mature way.