My sister (36f) and her husband (39m) got married almost a decade ago. Around six months ago he had an affair with his coworker which my sister found out after going through his phone. When I got this news I was furious and immidiately told her to get a divorce. She has a stable job and no kids. But she decided that she could find it in her to forgive him and they have been trying couples therapy for some months now. After my initial disappiontment at her decision I came to the conclusion that there’s not much I can do to change her mind. This was all going well until a week ago when I got a call from her crying and telling me to come over as I live almost ten or so minutes away. When I came to her apartment she told me that he had decided that he wanted a divorce and was not willing to (he does not want to) be married to her. fast forward thirty minutes he knocked on the front door I told him to get out and not come back for atleast a week. He told me that he doesn’t have any other place to go to and i cant stop him since it’s his house but I closed the door on his face. I left my sister’s apartment on Monday because I had to work and I hadn’t spoken to my sister since until about 12 hours ago when she called me to say that they had decided against divorce and I should not have kicked him out of his house (it was raining) this was immidiately followed by a call from my mother telling me the same thing. I want to be there for my sister but I have no desire to talk to her for atleast a month. should I suck it up
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I kicked my brother in law without any regards to what my sister might have wanted amidst a downpou
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My sister (36f) and her husband (39m) got married almost a decade ago. Around six months ago he had an affair with his coworker which my sister found out after going through his phone. When I got this news I was furious and immidiately told her to get a divorce. She has a stable job and no kids. But she decided that she could find it in her to forgive him and they have been trying couples therapy for some months now. After my initial disappiontment at her decision I came to the conclusion that there’s not much I can do to change her mind. This was all going well until a week ago when I got a call from her crying and telling me to come over as I live almost ten or so minutes away. When I came to her apartment she told me that he had decided that he wanted a divorce and was not willing to (he does not want to) be married to her. fast forward thirty minutes he knocked on the front door I told him to get out and not come back for atleast a week. He told me that he doesn’t have any other place to go to and i cant stop him since it’s his house but I closed the door on his face. I left my sister’s apartment on Monday because I had to work and I hadn’t spoken to my sister since until about 12 hours ago when she called me to say that they had decided against divorce and I should not have kicked him out of his house (it was raining) this was immidiately followed by a call from my mother telling me the same thing. I want to be there for my sister but I have no desire to talk to her for atleast a month. should I suck it up
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NTA. Yea you shouldn’t have thrown him out, not cause it was a bad idea but as you see: unless she wants him gone, he will always be back.
I would steer clear of your sister’s marriage drama going forward. I’m sure your bil was able to make you the bad guy and win her sympathy because of your actions. It looks like sis is in for a roller coaster ride of going back and forth with him, so just get out of the way and preserve your own sanity. Tell her you can’t be her emotional dumping grounds any longer because she is taking you on the same roller coaster.
ESH – I think you least of all cause I don’t know how old you are but this is a clusterfuck. You can’t get in the middle of drama like this and at your sister’s age you can’t be her protector. She is an adult and has to be responsible for her own choices. You are getting pulled in to the vortex of toxicity – your sister and her husband are obviously not right for each other but are refusing to let go for whatever reason.
You should know that you cannot make someone make the right relationship choices and if you want to be a resource for your sister she needs to come to you, not the other way around. Don’t get personally mad at her and cut her off because of this, but don’t go out of your way to get involved. Just make it clear that if she wants to leave you will support her but if she is going to yank your chain back and forth about staying/not staying that she needs a marriage counselor or a lawyer, not you
YTA – your sister’s life is not your own. Unless he’s abusing her, she deals with her husband not you.
What gave you any authority in their (or his) house?
YTA
And why would YOU be the one to kick him out of his own house? That’s absolutely not how residency laws work.
Stay out of their mess and drama
It sounds like your sister is willing to be a doormat. Sadly, there’s not much you can do other than be there for her and when people are willing to be the victim over and over again it gets tired after a while. I’m sure that if she was in an emergency or a traumatic situation, you would be there for her, but I also think right now you needing some space is perfectly reasonable.
ESH. You had no legal OR moral right to stop him from entering his legal dwelling. Your sister needs to deal with her own crap. He, because, obviously
NTA but now you know – just stay out of it. If she decides she wants to divorce him, let her come visit you, but don’t play her games and go back over there. Some people like the drama and stay in these toxic relationships for ages.
NTA this is when you step back and step out he’s going to keep crapping on her you’re going to get a teary eyed phone call. You go over try to get her to step up and out he’ll manipulate your sister and your the bad guy again. You have to tell her to call when she is packed and ready to go because you aren’t doing this anymore
Stay away from your sister. It will become you caused marriage problems for “being there for her”. She is loving the drama. If you stay involved it will crash on you
YTA. It was not on you to arbitrarily decide that you were going to deny him access to his own home. That was between him and your sister. You overstepped massively by inserting yourself into their marriage. I don’t seen any place in your post where your sister asked you to block him from entering the home. It wasn’t your decision to make. It doesn’t sound like there was any concern he’d be a physical danger to her.
NTA. Unfortunately, you can’t make her mind up for her and if you stay out of this drama, you will be happier.
NTA
but stay away from your sister’s case. She is digging herself into the mud. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.
NTA your just looking after your sister
YTA. Who are you to tell a grown man that he can’t enter his own house.
YTA this is all about you and how you feel. You were pissed she took him back before and now you want to tell a grown man he can’t go back in his own house.
Support your sister by following her lead not doing what you want to do.
NTA. Let your sister be a twit, and when she calls crying again tell her to go sit in syrup.
Your sister is weak. Just provide emotional and consultation support but not making decisions for her.
YTA and you should have been arrested if he was smart enough to call the police. You have no right to kick him out of his own house because your sister doesn’t like him.
NTA. Next time your sister calls ignore her. Stay out of it. Tell her she needs to figure it out and not drag you into her personal life. Your sister is clearly ok with being treated as a doormat and until she decides to actually take action nothing is going to happen and this pattern will keep repeating itself.