I (21f) kicked my sister-in-law out of our family group chat after hearing her and my brother (28m) split up.
Note this is a burner account and I am not super familiar with this subreddit so I apologize if my formatting is a bit off
For context my brother John and my SIL Amy have been together since high school and have always had a messy relationship. From my knowledge, which I admit is limited, they have pretty much always been an on and off couple. After graduation, my brother enrolled in the military and then got deployed to a different country after basic training. Before his deployment, John and Amy had told my family that they had broken it off with each other.
Eventually John found a casual girlfriend at his new base and everything was fine until he returned home. Amy and John announced they had actually been in an open relationship while he was away. John revealed to me that Amy had been seeing various different people while he was away and that his ex girlfriend back in South Korea never knew about the open relationship. Amy and John eventually got legally married which I sort of assumed was for the pay and housing benefits. For a while everything seemed fine, then Amy started getting bored of the town they lived in. John and Amy’s relationship eventually got rocky again and things kept spiraling.
About a month ago Amy was arrested on account of family assault charges against my brother. John came home late after work one night and caught Amy having phone sex with her new boyfriend. John went to his bedroom and Amy followed trying to get him to have sex with her. John told her no since he just caught her on the phone with her new boyfriend which made her very mad. Amy started screaming at my brother and chased him outside. Their roommate and Amy’s friend followed along and joined in on the yelling. Eventually Amy grabbed John by the neck and dug her nails deep into his skin. John managed to run away from the house while bleeding to call 911.
Since her arrest they have moved out and started living separately. The problem is however that John still thinks Amy and him can work it out. John ended up fixing her broken car, gave her the bedroom while they were looking for other living arrangements, and telling our dad that they’ve actually been having good days together. My brother is now deployed again, thankfully not too far this time but far enough away from Amy.
After another one of my siblings texted in the family group chat, my mom told me to kick Amy’s number out. At the time I didn’t think much of it and i got a few private messages from other SIL’s and brothers congratulating me for doing so. But soon after John texted asking why would I remove her.
I have yet to respond because I know once I do there will be a shit storm of drama and anger. But AITAH for kicking Amy out of the group chat before John was ready?
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I (21f) kicked my sister-in-law out of our family group chat after hearing her and my brother (28m) split up.
Note this is a burner account and I am not super familiar with this subreddit so I apologize if my formatting is a bit off
For context my brother John and my SIL Amy have been together since high school and have always had a messy relationship. From my knowledge, which I admit is limited, they have pretty much always been an on and off couple. After graduation, my brother enrolled in the military and then got deployed to a different country after basic training. Before his deployment, John and Amy had told my family that they had broken it off with each other.
Eventually John found a casual girlfriend at his new base and everything was fine until he returned home. Amy and John announced they had actually been in an open relationship while he was away. John revealed to me that Amy had been seeing various different people while he was away and that his ex girlfriend back in South Korea never knew about the open relationship. Amy and John eventually got legally married which I sort of assumed was for the pay and housing benefits. For a while everything seemed fine, then Amy started getting bored of the town they lived in. John and Amy’s relationship eventually got rocky again and things kept spiraling.
About a month ago Amy was arrested on account of family assault charges against my brother. John came home late after work one night and caught Amy having phone sex with her new boyfriend. John went to his bedroom and Amy followed trying to get him to have sex with her. John told her no since he just caught her on the phone with her new boyfriend which made her very mad. Amy started screaming at my brother and chased him outside. Their roommate and Amy’s friend followed along and joined in on the yelling. Eventually Amy grabbed John by the neck and dug her nails deep into his skin. John managed to run away from the house while bleeding to call 911.
Since her arrest they have moved out and started living separately. The problem is however that John still thinks Amy and him can work it out. John ended up fixing her broken car, gave her the bedroom while they were looking for other living arrangements, and telling our dad that they’ve actually been having good days together. My brother is now deployed again, thankfully not too far this time but far enough away from Amy.
After another one of my siblings texted in the family group chat, my mom told me to kick Amy’s number out. At the time I didn’t think much of it and i got a few private messages from other SIL’s and brothers congratulating me for doing so. But soon after John texted asking why would I remove her.
I have yet to respond because I know once I do there will be a shit storm of drama and anger. But AITAH for kicking Amy out of the group chat before John was ready?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I kicked my sister in law out of the family group chat. 2) It was not my place to kick her out of the group chat before my brother was ready although they had been separated.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
Amy is an outright domestic abuser, who is controlling and manipulative to boot. John might not want to believe he could be a victim of domestic violence, but that is, in fact, what happened the night she cut him with her nails. Screaming and chasing him is abusive behavior itself, laying hands on another person in anger is always wrong.
You did the right thing by kicking Amy out of the chat group. In addition, you might want to block her, if you haven’t already done so. She is violent and you don’t know how she will react to your actions.
Perhaps John might benefit from an intervention of sorts, just to lay out the facts in front of him that Amy is abusive and that’s the reason his relationship with her is not OK with your family. I’m no expert in doing this, but I do know that John needs to be brought up short and acknowledge the fact that she abused him with violence. That’s just downright scary, especially since he’s in the military and probably feels competent to handle himself. The fact that she did what she did is something that should not be swept under the rug.
I hope John takes some time to consider the situation before he allows Amy back into his life in any significant way. She’s trouble, and he really should consider what the consequences might be if he does so.
NTA.
Tell him the truth; she isn’t apart of the family anymore.
If you don’t want to be that direct, just say that the group isn’t comfortable having her there after she assaulted him.
Hopefully he stays away this time and finds someone who truly loves him, is loyal, and makes him happy.
NTA
Holy mother of Chernobyl!
The toxic is strong with those two. Honestly I’d deter the question to mom. Yes you’re all adults (I assume) but you didn’t have the initiative nor the idea, it was your mother and it may be better for you to skip this particular minefield and tell him to take it with the matriarch lol. Since you’re both in the same década of age you and your brother, I think (I’d hope) your mother will have a more appropriate way to deal with the issue.
ETA NTA you did right kicking her out of the group but your brother seems to be trapped in a domestic abuse situation and he may not accept he needs to get out. It’s more difficult for men to admit to being abused due to toxic masculinity culture “the big strong man how could he be abused by his little woman of wife him being stronger yaddi yadda. So you and your mom may want to have a chat or just your mom with him to give him a answer that won’t push him further away from you all, because he’s going to be needing that support once he realizes he does have to get out and the doors for communication have to be open
I hate to say these words and I always cringe about them BUT get that boy to a counsellor. get them to give his head a shake. tell him the family does not want all the drama in their lives. and to start removing the drama they, as a group, decided that she was not family material. so, again as a group, they removed her.