I’m not really sure how to write this. I’ve been sitting here for over an hour trying to figure out if I went too far with this. I’m using a side account because I know if this ever circles back to my wife, it’s going to be a disaster. But I need to get this out.
My wife (37f) and I (36f) have been together 14 years, married for 7. We’ve got one daughter together, “Cassie” (16), and she’s a good kid. Like, really good. Smart, empathetic, always been kind of a soft heart but with a real stubborn streak too. Her two best friends “Leah” (16f) and “Theo” (15m) have basically been part of our family since elementary school. They’ve all been inseparable since they were nine, one of those little trio of weirdos friendships that actually made me feel relieved she had people who got her. I thought it was a beautiful thing.
My wife never fully saw that way. It started when Cassie hit puberty. That’s when my wife, let’s call her “Rachel” started making these weird comments. Things like “Girls don’t usually stay this attached at that age,” or “Don’t you think it’s strange how they always sit so close?” and “Isn’t Theo a little too comfortable with them for a boy?” I brushed it off. Figured she was just being a cautious mom. But then she started getting nosier
When Cassie was around 13, she, Theo and Leah would curl up together on the couch under the same blanket. Sometimes Theo would stretch out with his head in Cassie’s lap while they all watched movies. I remember once Cassie fell asleep draped over both of them like a cat, arms thrown across Leah’s stomach and feet tucked over Theo’s leg. Rachel kept glancing over at them like she was trying to solve a crime scene.
At 14, Cassie and Leah got matching heart charm bracelets and wore them everywhere for like six months. Rachel said it was too intimate. Another time, I came home from work and all three kids were asleep in Cassie’s bed after a late-night group project, literally just fully clothed, crashed out in a pile like puppies. It was very sweet to me. Rachel said it made her deeply uncomfortable.
Another time, Cassie made this photo collage for her room, just pics of her, Leah, and Theo over the years. There were some where they were cuddled up, sleeping on each other, doing each other’s hair, wearing each other’s clothes. I remember looking at it and thinking that I hoped she’d always have friends like this But Rachel waa very quiet. Next day, she told me she thought the three of them were getting too entangled and said we should talk to Cassie about healthy relationship boundaries.
I didn’t do that, I told her I thought it was normal teen closeness. I said, even if something more was going on, it wasn’t our business unless Cassie chose to share it. We actually got into a bad argument over it, leading to some mutual cold shouldering until I eventually gave up and apologized for brushing off her concerns, and she apologized, saying she’d relax about the whole thing.
So that brings up to what hapenned last w34k. I walked in and caught Rachel scrolling through Cassie’s texts on her iPad,. She said she was concerned. I asked what she thought she’d find and she said confirmation. I asked her what she wanted confirmation on and she told me straight up: she believes Cassie is in a throuple.
She showed me the texts, which mostly consisted of stuff like “ILY always,” “You two are my soulmates,” “When we grow up we’re getting a house together and adopting twelve cats.” and telling the others how hot they are and just hyping each other up.
And yeah, I can see how if you’re already paranoid, that could set you off. But there was still nothing explicit, no sexting, no naughty photos. Just teenagers being teenagers who are close and being goofy about it.
Rachel said she felt sickened and that we’d let this go on too long. Next thing I know, she’s telling Cassie she’s not allowed to have sleepovers anymore. She won’t let Leah or Theo in the house unless the door stays wide open and she’s present in the room. Cassie tried to reason with her and Rachel flat out said that she knows what they’re doing.
Cassie came to me sobbing. Said her mom was treating her like she’s disgusting. Asked me if I thought she was perverted.
I was so pissed. I told Rachel she needed to stop. That she was hurting our daughter for no reason. That even if Cassie was in some kind of relationship with them, and again, there’s no real proof of that, she wasn’t doing anything wrong.
Rachel said I was being naive and weak and failing Cassie by not intervening. She said this wasn’t just teenage experimentation, she believes it’s a deviant bond that we should be putting a stop to.
I told her flat out that she was doing damage, not protecting anyone. She said if I couldn’t support her in correcting this path, she couldn’t live under the same roof, and I told her “Yeah, maybe you shouldn’t.”
She left that night and has been staying with her sister and my brother in law since. She’s texting me constantly, accusing me of choosing Cassie’s dysfunction over our marriage. She says I’ve alienated her as a parent and that our daughter is sliding toward moral ruin because I didn’t want to be the bad guy.
Cassie’s been quiet but more relaxed. Leah and Theo came over yesterday and they watched a movie and baked cookies.
But I can’t stop thinking about this. I don’t know if I burned everything down or if this was the only way to protect my kid from something worse. I didn’t think I’d ever be the kind of spouse who kicked her wife out, but watching the way she looked at Cassie like she was something shameful, I just couldn’t take it.
Please tell me if I’m losing my mind. Did I go too far? Is there a way back from this without wrecking everything? Am I the asshole?
Comments
NTA
Your wife sexualized your kid’s normal friendships. You protected your daughter from psychological damage. That’s good parenting.
This is your legal daughter, her stepdaughter? Or adopted?
In my opinion, love and friendship don’t always need to be dissected. It sounds like your daughter has a strong support system and that should be celebrated and not scrutinized. Stand by her.
No sexting, nothing naughty, nothing explicit…. Your wife needs major help. She sounds like a control freak. I’d have done the same as you. Even if it is a teenage “throuple”, so long as everyone is being safe, respectful, happy… who cares. They are hurting exactly NO ONE.
NTA.
Your wife is being gross. Does she not have close friends? She’s making things weird for your daughter for no reason aside from her own personal, weird overthinking. Protect Cassie at all costs. We should all be so lucky to have close friends like she does.
NTA. Your wife, on the other hand, well….. Never mind.
NTA & your wife shouldn’t be around any kids till she’s had serious therapy.
NTA
your wife is turning a close friendship that could last there whole lives into something creepy and twisted, im only 20 myself so i was just in those teenage years and trust me nothing you’ve mentioned her having a problem with is unusual with close friends especially you telling us how long they’ve been friends for… maybe she’s jealous or something.
your a good MOTHER!! for protecting your daughter from your wife’s skewed view of your daughters friendships.
Sorry what??? Is this real? Are you sure you aren’t leaving out key details? What mother in their right state of mind would react that way to a group of close knit friends?? Is she worried that Cassie might be gay/bi? Sorry to jump to that, but I would think that a parent would be happy that their child has close friends that are comfortable enough to just hang out at home rather than go out and pull a bunch of shenanigans
NTA. Your wife sexualized a bunch of kids and their interactions. That is just wrong. And I’m wondering if she’s doing it in other ways, like policing your kid’s clothes or choice of entertainment.
NTA. You are an amazing father. My daughter, who is now 35, is still friends with her beasties from grade school. One male and one female. I never once thought anything strange about their friendship. They have always had each other’s back if they need help with something. I wish I had friends like that.
They’re close, but no evidence of anything sexual going on between them. Like….at all. Honestly it sounds like your wife doesn’t get the concept that love and sex aren’t inherently intertwined for everybody. People can love each other without it being sexual. ( And thank the FSM for that, because my wife is awesome and we’re both ace. )
And what “dysfunction”?!
It does sound like these kids may have developed more romantic feelings beyond friendship. And it sounds like a HEALTHY relationship. And, FFS, they’re teenagers. While I’m not a fan of kids having sex, it is something teenagers do. It’s not “dysfunctional” for them to do it. Although it should be discouraged until they’re older. But, again, you have zero evidence they’re doing that, so it’s a moot issue. Sounds like they’re content with cuddling, but that doesn’t mean there’s anything more than that going on physically. If you do have any worries about that, just make sure your daughter knows you’re safe to come to about it, gently discourage it, but also make sure she knows how to be safe about it. Your wife handled it in COMPLETELY the wrong way, making these kids feel like it was something shameful. Just something to approach responsibly because it can have consequences regardless of how safe they are about it, so it’s best to wait until they’re adults.
Anyway, uncomfortable part of the discussion aside ( Also I feel like I’ve talked in circles a bit. It’s a touchy topic that I’m sure people will twist into me saying something I’m not. ), NTA at all. Your wife was being, frankly, gross.
Did your wife get abused when she was young or something? Her sexualizing everything seems very off.
Anyone ever notice that a great many of the folks most wound up about other people’s morals sexualize everyone they see and in turn gossip about it?
Honestly? Everyone here sucks except your daughter and her friends.
You let this situation fester for years. You knew Rachel was weirdly obsessed with sexualizing your daughter’s friendships from the time Cassie was thirteen, and you just brushed it off. You even apologized to Rachel instead of shutting her down when she made your kid feel disgusting for being close to her best friends. You let your wife treat your daughter like a case study in deviancy, and you allowed it to escalate to the point where she was rifling through texts looking for evidence of a “throuple.”
And then, instead of addressing it like an adult before it reached critical mass, you sat on your hands, until Rachel finally humiliated your daughter to her face and you blew up and kicked her out.
Don’t get it twisted: Rachel’s behavior is appalling. She is a controlling, judgmental, emotionally abusive mess who’s been actively harming your daughter’s self-esteem and violating her privacy for years. She needed to be stopped, and she needs serious help before she’s let near Cassie unsupervised.
But you? You don’t get to pat yourself on the back for finally finding your backbone after years of cowardice. You should’ve protected your daughter long before this. You let Rachel poison the household dynamic, you failed to defend your kid when it counted most, and now you’re standing in the wreckage of a marriage and a traumatized teenager wondering if you’re the good guy.
So here’s the truth: you were weak and naive, just like Rachel said, but not because you didn’t see Cassie as “perverted.” You were weak because you didn’t stand up sooner and let this nonsense spiral out of control. You’re also right that Rachel was doing damage, not protecting anyone, and she absolutely needed to leave rather than keep inflicting harm.
So no. you’re not “the asshole” for kicking her out. You are the asshole for letting it get this bad before you finally did what needed to be done. Your daughter deserves better than what either of you gave her.
If you care about fixing this at all, you better start by apologizing to Cassie, getting her therapy if she wants it, and making damn sure Rachel never talks to her like that again.
How do you have a mutual daughter two years older than you’ve been together with your wife?
Updateme!
So…has your wife never had close friends or…?
NTA. Your wife is the one making things weird and looking for things to cause trouble.
I’m 34, I’ve had the same besty since I was like 14. If you looked at our messages it would probably look like we are dating. Lots of i love yous, miss yous, chit chat, building each other up etc. But we aren’t. We are both married. It is just how our friendship is
NTA. I find pretty funny that she says you alienated her as a parent when it was her paranoia that sexualized your daughter and her choice to leave the house because you disagreed with her.
You’re a good dad
nta
NTA! Your wife needs to get her head out of the gutter.
You didn’t kick your wife out, she left because of her own stupidity.
It’s your job to provide and protect, even if it’s from the mother, thank you for being a good father and definitely nta.
Looks like the mom might be jealous tbh
NTA – You didn’t kick your wife out. She chose to leave.
This is absurd on your wife’s part…. My teens have their little group and they’re always laying on the floor or in the bed together- texting each other or playing games on their phones together.
People have to stop sexualizing normal kid stuff. Even if they were experimenting, it’s the normal age so as long as your talked with them about safe sex practices, she’ll be fine.
Your mom alienated her child on her own- if this is real. Nta. Your kids need a safe space to grow and experiment, no matter what their age.
NTA
Get a lawyer because the divorce and custody battle is going to get ugly.
NTA
Your wife needs help. She is sexualising her daughters relationship with her friends. She needs to stop and you need to protect your daughter until your wife stops.
When I was that age, I was part of a strong 3-way bond like that. Myself, my friend Ryan, and his sister Amy, were my absolute best friends in the world. We spent every second together. Years and years went by but the three of us were inseperable.
Given how fucked up their home life was, I’m glad none of us had a Rachel to break us up and make it weird.
Absolutely NTA, Rachel is 150% wrong and will damage Cassie’s trust with her insecure bullshit.
Why is she being so weird about it? Is she into younger girls?
You are protecting your child like a good parent would. I think your wife went too far.
Yeah YTA. They are teenagers now Puberty hits and hormones are real. Your kid is too enmeshed, its time for her to be her own person and have some healthy boundaries. Thats what your wife was trying to create. Prevention is always better than damage control.
Hmmm…sounds like she might be projecting her own childhood sexual trauma onto your daughter. She may need to get some counseling to work through that.
You do need to have a chat with your daughter though. I’d start by telling her she’s not in any trouble, and no matter what, you love her & you just want to understand the extent of her relationship with these 2 friends, so you know how to support her.
Explain that when they were young kids, you viewed their closeness as just kids being cute innocent kids. However, they’re 16 now, and no longer “little innocent kids.” They now have feelings, hormones, a natural curiosity about sexuality, etc. Sometimes lines between friends can become blurred, and move from friendship to relationship…which can be particularly challenging when there’s 3 in the friend group…even if they’re a “throuple”…as jealousy can become an issue.
You & your wife are in a unique position, as lesbian’s, because you can relate to coming out to family, friends, etc. You understand what it’s like to deal with being accepted for who you are and who you’re attracted to, & I’m sure you still deal with many people who treat you poorly because of this. Explain to her your concerns…not that it’s wrong for her to love them both, or to be in a relationship in this way…but she needs to understand what consequences come with choosing to live that way. It’s not likely that society will be very accepting of this type of relationship, and it’s even more unlikely that they will ever make a throuple marriage legal…as technically, (I think) this would be polygamy…which is very much illegal.
Good luck!
Edited to add…NTA 😊
This stopped me at the start you’re been together for 14 yrs but have a daughter that belongs to you both that’s 16
This breaks my heart. For your daughter and YOU. You’re an incredible father and put your daughter before your wife. Not an easy decision. Your wife must have some unresolved trauma. Nothing about this friend circle is “off”. Not in the slightest. In fact I hope and pray my daughter has a circle of friends like this. What a dream!!! Beast of luck to you ❤️❤️
NTA and let’s remind her (your wife) that society unfortunately still doesn’t fully accept relationships that aren’t straight and her acting this way is the same as people who look at non-straight relationships in a negative light. Yes, your daughter is in a wonderful friendship and like you said, if there is more going on then who cares as long as they’re all being safe about it. Your wife really needs therapy because there has to be something going on that’s causing her to act like this.
It sounds to me like your wife has some deep trauma and also maybe some of it is religious or conservative/purity related?
But either way, she’s not dealing with her shit appropriately. She’s projecting.
And look, at this age, if there were something sexual in there, who cares? This is the age at which she needs to figure stuff out for herself and rely on what you’ve already taught her about sex ed and healthy boundaries. Most kids have sex much later in life if they’ve received good sex ed. Your wife can’t police a 16yo into never having sexual or romantic feelings and trying is doing nothing but ruining their relationship and Cassie’s self-esteem.
I talked to both male and female friends like this at that age. I think it’s just teenage romanticizing life like an 80s/90s high school movie.
NTA. Who even cares if she is in a thruple. I don’t think she is, but it’s really eye opening to see how your wife would respond. Like, this is her worst fear for your daughter? She would alienate her own kid and call her a ‘deviant’? Your wife is a total dickhead.
NTA. Is your daughter happy? Is she healthy? Is she doing what she feels right for her? If the answer is yes, then who cares. Further, how can someone from the LGBTQ+ community judge someone else for their perceived sexuality. Seems very hypocritical to me.
I’m a girl with two best guy friends for 30+ years. Nothing sexual has happened between us three. We’ve been friends since we were in elementary school. To prove it, we were all in each others weddings. I was a best man and I’m a woman! We all have family and kids now, your wife is a paranoid weirdo projecting inappropriate thoughts onto a situation she doesn’t fully understand. People always assumed I was sleeping with one or the other. it has never happened. We are FRIENDS to the end and nothing will change that. Love you K and G!
Been together 14 years but have a 16 year old kid?
AI post.
NTA has your wife ever had close friendships like that? Maybe she hasn’t and she just doesn’t get jt
NTAH butt buckle up and I hope you live in a blue state.
Has your wife been getting influenced by more conservative voices lately? Has she been consuming religious or otherwise fringe content? How has your relationship been lately? It seems odd that a woman married to another woman would be so horrified by the prospect that her daughter would be in an unorthodox relationship, not that there’s anything happening here.
Either way, you’re doing the right thing by protecting your daughter. As a parent that’s your primary responsibility. It sounds like she’s safe and happy. I can’t imagine wanting to take that away from my child.
(The usual caveats to all teenage relationships apply, platonic and otherwise). I hope your wife gets the help she needs, because something is really off here.
I think you were an asshole. You could have talked about this like adults, instead of you saying it was better for her to leave. Okay, she could be a little paranoid, but you could try to at least listen to her, instead of trusting everything your daughter does with your eyes closed.
I also think it would be important to talk to your daughter about limits in relationships, regardless of what the relationship is. It seemed childish to me. Obviously your daughter is more relaxed, you demonstrated to her that the two of you are not united to educate her, in the mind of a (pre)teenager it is really an advantage.
You did the right thing. Your wife is having some sort of projection issues or jealousy and frankly she is the disgusting one. Keep her kicked out and serve her papers. Your kid needs someone in her corner and to speak up for her. Use all of your stbx wife’s behaviors and accusations to get full custody.
NTA. Ir just seem like your daughter has a really strong support system. I’d be happy if my child had close friends like that.
Did something happen to your wife when she was younger? It’s weird that she keeps sexualizing your daughter’s close friendship.
Tell your wife to stop projecting her childhood onto your daughter.
Together for 14 years, married for 7, with a 16yo daughter. Math isn’t mathing. YTA for this fake crap.
NTA you didn’t kick her out, she kicked herself out. I wouldn’t get hung up on if there is any evidence of a relationship though because then if they do end up in some kind of relationship your wife will use that to invalidate other arguments. The correct argument is if they are happy then that is what matters
Maybe remind your wife that not too many years ago, your relationship was considered deviant, perverted, and morally wrong.
In the meantime, do what you can to teach the kids about safety, as their “experimenting” can surprise them in 9 months.
NTA. Your daughter and her friends aren’t doing anything unusual for close friends. My friends and I were the same way. Your wife is twisting this into something perverted for no reason. The lack of trust in your daughter from her is a huge issue too. Perhaps she’s projecting her own experience or something. Protect your daughter and don’t let your wife ruin these kids’ friendships.
First, you did not go too far. You stuck up for your kid, and in my eyes, that’s never wrong.
Second, while I do understand that her friendship might not be “typical,” it doesn’t seem at all any different from when I was a teenager with my friends. We didn’t have cell phones (I’m 45, ok?? lol) but I don’t ever remember NOT writing “ILY” or “143” on a note to one of my friends. I teach middle school, and I can’t even begin to tell you how many times a day I hear “I love you” by kids who just met.
Third, you are so NTA. Your wife is, but it does seem like she might need some help. I’m not saying you shouldn’t stick to your plan here. Cassie is what’s most important, and until you see her sharing a bed naked with one of them, I don’t see her friendship with these two as a problem. Your wife, however, needs to understand that luckily, she helped you raise a strong person with not only a fierce tribe of friends, but a voice of her own where if she feels wronged about something, she speaks up for herself. That being said, it also seems like this isn’t going to blow over. I suggest a family counselor. Start with you and Cassie together, or if your wife would be open, go all three of you. Your wife needs to understand, but you all need to figure out a way to move forward. It might not be under the same roof, but you have to be a unit.
Good luck!
NTA and your wife should be required to go through therapy before being let back into the house. She has issues she needs to work through
NTA
Your daughter and her friends are happy and healthy and not doing anything wrong. Rachel, on the other hand, is most likely projecting what she probably would have done in that same scenario and she is hurting your daughter with her suspicions and she is isolating your daughter from her friends and her well established support network. If it isn’t projection, it certainly has jealous undertones and Rachel is not doing anyone right. Honestly, it is probably for the best that Rachel just stays where she is at this point until your daughter graduates, since she can’t seem to control her own issues.
You are right on target, stand up for Cassie, your wife is scary.
I need you to put your daughter first. I truly believe this is the only way to protect your kid from something worse but now you need to be proactive about her being in your custody and your wife having no decision-making authority for her moving forward.
You need to go to a lawyer and talk to the lawyer about divorce. Do it on the sly. Just get all your ducks in a row just in case because if your wife keeps up this behavior these stories do not end well for children like your daughter. Next, it’s conversion camp or one of those insane boarding schools. Then find a therapist if you are Christian, I encourage you to find a legitimate therapist who deals with children with parental trauma. Cassie may seem OK but her mother telling her she’s disgusting is something she won’t recover from especially since she’s adopted. That adds an even more grotesque layer to what your wife is doing to her. With help she can move on from it in a healthy way, but that will live in her soul until she dies.
Whatever your wife is going through, you cannot allow her to take it out on your daughter. I am so creeped out by your wife sexualizing your daughter‘s relationships because of the level of projection it takes to do that is so awful and creepy and gross.
I don’t understand how someone who found love with another woman would be so hateful towards children that love each other. Based on your post, it sounds like your daughter found familial love with her friends, which why wouldn’t she look for a found family? You found her adopted her and made her your family so it makes sense. She would add onto that family with her friends.
Is your wife upset because she believes Cassie is in q throuple, or because one of the three is male?
I apologize if that’s a weird thing to ask.
NTA.
Your wife is acting like a Puritan, seeing sin in everyone. It’s sickening, to be frank. Has she started going to one of those hate-everyone churches?
The issue really is your wife’s.
She is uneasy at your daughter’s super close friendship. Is she jealous? She sounds like those Church Ladies who are constantly annoyed at anyone who might be having fun, and watching and judging like a bloated toad.
So hateful.
She reminds me of my own mom. She only thought the worst of me. She only WANTED the worst for me.
I hated her from age 4 on.
So what if these lifelong bosom friends form a throuple?
Sexual experimentation is normal! It might happen, it might not, but they are the ones to decide.
The whole Purity thing has created monstrous issues.
Please make sure your daughter knows about birth control, both of you and your daughter go see a family therapist together, let her see a therapist by herself, you see a therapist for individual therapy on your own to run this scenario by them.
Your wife needs serious counseling, serious therapy, and a serious dose of reality. She’s acting like she is a jilted lover, a bitter, jealous old cat.
You didn’t go too far. Protecting your daughter’s emotional well-being is priority one, and your wife’s reaction seems harmful rather than helpful. Hope you all can find a way to communicate and heal.
NTA You did the right thing. Your wife needs to talk to a psychiatrist, maybe family counseling as well