My husband and I are both 30. About 2 months ago he came to me saying he wanted a divorce. I told him okay I’ll file that same week. He told me to wait and stated we should finish our lease which has 11 months left on it and then file for a divorce at the end so we can both use the 11 months to “transition”.
During this past 2 months he also told me I can consider myself single and start dating. So I started dating. I told him about kissing someone a few days ago now he’s stating that I ruined our marriage, played him and I’m the reason for the divorce. He said I was single yes, but he secretly thought I’d use this time to fight for him and that we could’ve possibly taken the divorce off the table. I feel as though I’ve been gaslit and manipulated and I’m not sure how to process this. AITAH??
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NTA you are literally in the process of divorce. You can’t ruin a marriage that doesn’t exist.
NTA, people who play games like that suck.. Either be honest and communicate with integrity or play dumb games and win dumb prizes.
I feel like you are not the AH, because he said that you can consider you as Single. It is nicenof you that you even told him about it. And why should you fight, when he wanted the divorce?
NTA. You both literally agreed to be able to date different people.
he secretly thought I’d use this time to fight for him and that we could’ve possibly taken the divorce off the table.
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. You don’t say you want a divorce unless you’re 100% serious. NTA
“He secretly thought I’d use this time to fight for hom and that we could’ve possible taken the divorce off the table”
Silent expectations are rarely met. NTA
NTA why are you even asking this? Please be so for real.
Go to marriage therapy. Why did you even tell him other than for a reaction?
ESH
Nta
He was using it as an excuse to say you ruined the marriage instead of him asking for one in the first place
NTA
This is textbook FAFO. He wanted to test you to see how much you would fight for him. But by doing so, he proved he wasn’t worth the fight.
I wonder if he set you up so he could have more power in the divorce. Write down the dates and times he told you to consider yourself single.
If you live in a place where you can legally record someone without them knowing, get him to say he did this on a recording.
NTA. You were gaslit and manipulated.
His girlfriend must’ve dumped him
Him:Go and date wifey we are getting divorce
Wife:Dates
Him:Surprised pikachu face
Girl nta….his mistake. No one has the power of mind reading over her. U want something communicate it dont tell what you dont want and blame it on another person .Women we need to stop doubting ourselves and let these men gaslight us.period.
you should not wait to file. Especially if you are seeing other people. That can spin as cheating really easily
When he first mentioned divorce 2 months ago, did you not ask him why? You just agreed?! Seems to me this marriage was done long ago and this question is not even relevant at this point!
NTA – I honestly don’t understand why he would care when he was the one who first proposed the divorce
He played mind games and lost. Start the divorce process now before he twists this and accuses you of cheating.
NTA
Idk about gaslit, at least not on purpose… Or consciously… And idk all the ins and outs of your relationship obviously… But he may have been testing the water to see if you’d fight for him, and you didn’t. He may take offense to that, but ya never know how people are going to react no matter how they feel about ya.
NTA – he FAFO’d!
NTA. You were separated and in the process of getting divorced.
Regardless of how he perceived the situation, those are the facts. If he wanted you to fight for him, that’s on his to communicate that.
You’re both big Assholes. You didn’t fight for your marriage already and already going about kissing men in 2 months? He also didn’t have to act like child and tell you he wants a divorce and to be single when he didn’t mean it. You’re both TAH
So he used the threat of divorce as a tool of manipulation. What a catch. Cannot imagine why you didnt fight for that dumb bastard.
NTA but you’re definitely the fool for not trying to break the lease with a nutjob like that. Get a therapist, get a lawyer, get in touch with the landlord
I think both of you are the asshole
He’s not secretly and absolute fucking moron who doesn’t deserve you. He FAFO
NTA
Yeah. Processing sounds legit here. You’re probably like “wtf??”
I know Reddit is like “wow this is so obvious” but realistically the emotional processing takes time. You don’t really need advice here, just catharsis that you’re not crazy. Which you’re not.
Nahhh. This is the most feminine nonsense I’ve ever heard of a man pulling and he should be embarrassed lol.
NTA, start speaking with a lawyer today.
He’s an ass and he’s gas lighting. He’s tried to date and hasnt had the luck to be kissed yet. Fuck him. Enjoy your glow up
Where was his fight for your marriage? He literally told you to date other people. File for the divorce since he’s playing games.
He’s clearly having second thoughts now that the reality of the situation has sunk in. You’re NTA, but this is probably a good moment to take stock of your current feelings as well as his. If he’s thinking about fighting to save the marriage, would you be open to it? If not then convey that to him directly. And then MOVE. TF. OUT. Or commit to saving the marriage and working at it.
You can’t be half married though. A lease is not a good reason to live together, nor does it seem like a healthy way to transition. The transition starts when you two are living separately.
Whatever you decide, don’t be half married.
Was the other person a good kisser? Did they make you feel tingly in your naughty places? If so, go back for more. You’re single now. NTA.
NTA
keep seeking this divorce.
NTA they dont even know what they were doing
This may come as a shock to him, but… you can still live together while divorced. File the paperwork, there’s no reason for you to be legally married if he’s already declared he wants a divorce.
Since he is IMO, lying and manipulating you and probably cheating on you (before this), file for divorce asap. There is absolutely no reason to wait.
You don’t live in a state that divorce asset division is based off fault, right? Hopefully he wasn’t trying to “catch you cheating” by setting it up.
Fucking dumb, my exwife left me, and ended up having sex with some dude like 2 weeks after… guess what, she didn’t cheat on me, she had left me, some piece of paper doesn’t decide that she cheated on me. She did nothing wrong.
NTA
Yeah no. Just. No. Major red flags here.
He used the threat of divorce as a test to see how desperate you were to keep him. Gave you a free pass to date so he could seem generous but then lashes out when you actually use it. He’s toying with you. This is manipulation all the way.
He set a trap for you and fell into it himself. Now he’s lashing out and blaming you for this mess because if he can’t blame you then he’d have to admit he majorly f’d up.
He tried to play you like an obedient little pawn ♟️too full of himself to recognize that you’re a queen all the way.
Rage bait.
He made a power play and you called his bluff.
Fuck him fafo
He didn’t want a wife, he wanted a backup plan. Tell you you’re single, then punish you when you act single. Thats emotional manipulation. You’re not the problem here, he is. NTA.
ESH- my opinion is that it seems likely he was testing the situation.
If he came out of the blue asking for a divorce, it could be because he picked up on your apathy towards the marriage and wanted to see what you would do.
He’s likely mad because he was proven right.
You basically rolled over and agreed to separation and to start dating people without questioning anything or pushing back.
He may have hoped that you would try to fight for the marriage, but since you didn’t, he realized his fears were correct and lashed out because of it
He wanted a reason to blame you. You’re separated, move out. Living together will only lead to more bs like this.
This is very odd. You’re both young, (married how long?) and he asks for a divorce and you say yes. Then he plays hurt when you date? And you told him you’d kissed someone? What weird fucking games are you two playing. I think you’re both AH’s
Lol this happened to a friend of mine, her husband thought he would use the cooling off period to get as many women as he possibly could & then she would come crawling back begging him to make the marriage work, turned out not many women are interested in broke, self-absorbed, overweight, balding men who just want rubbish sex, in this time he also found out that lots of men are interested in pretty, intelligent, giving women, he was FURIOUS she didn’t wait for him, we had a good ol’ laugh about it and even decorated her home with printouts of some of his most interesting messages for her divorce party. Girl is now living her happy ever after with a man who loves & respects her. You definitely aren’t an AH, your ‘husband’ however is pathetic, go enjoy kissing whoever you want, he wanted to throw you away so it’s none of his business what or who you do
Just sleep in with his best friend.
NTA
NTA, but don’t be surprised if he now uses that as the reason for the divorce to try and improve his position. You were naive to believe him, his motive was never to have you fight for him, but to be able to tell his lawyers and everyone else that you cheated on him. File for divorce now and beat him to it.
YTA
You are marred no matter what. It’s still infidelity.
He mad because you found someone already and the person he was hoping to land put him back on the shelf
Be careful you’re not in an at-fault divorce state, OP. Your husband can use your actions against you. Make sure you and your lawyer cover your bases here.
NTA, btw. I’m guessing he was cheating and his girlfriend dumped his dumb ass.
Legally I don’t think you should date at least until filed as you’re potentially giving him grounds to say you were cheating to get out of potential divorce arrangements. I’m not lawyer, but this seems like something you should ask to one before doing.
NTA, but, depending on the divorce laws relating to infidelity in your area, you might have just fucked up BADLY. This may have been a trap.
Talks to a divorce attorney right now! Do not pass go do not keep reading comments, do not wait out the lease to transition.
It’s unfortunate, but keeping his expectations a secret ensured that you wouldn’t be able to meet them. NTA. I hope you both go well on your separate ways.
He wanted to sow some oats but couldn’t find any takers.
He asked for a divorce and told you that you could consider yourself single. You’ve been separated for 2 months. It’s not cheating to go out with other people when you’re separated.
People need to learn that their partners are not mind-readers and people take each other at their word.
That being said, I wouldn’t necessarily tell him about future dates. Seems like it would provoke unnecessary drama.
NTA. He was already cheating. Get out while you still can. But, what even lead to him asking for the divorce? He was already cheating probably and wanted to be free. So he asked and he is now receiving. Cut the cord
NTA. He literally told you you’re single and to start dating. He can’t move the goalposts after the fact because he secretly hoped you’d chase him. That’s not fair to you. He asked for the divorce, you agreed, and you’ve been upfront about what you’re doing. If he wanted to “work things out,” he should’ve said so instead of giving you mixed signals. You didn’t ruin the marriage, he ended it two months ago.
NTA, As soon as he said he wanted a divorce, the relationship was over.
Say to him – If you’re mad about the kiss wait till you hear about all the dicks I’ve sucked. NTA. He fucked around and found out.
NTA. It doesn’t “feel” like manipulation, IT IS MANIPULATION.
This is just the “husband pressured me to open up the marriage because he doesn’t want to fuck me and wants to cheat and not feel bad, now he wants to close it because I’m getting it and he’s not” in different packaging.
Haha what an idiot. NTAH in the slightest.
He secretly thought? And he initiated it too? Is this some game?
If he’s some smoking hot Chad of a guy who thinks he’s worth all the trouble, that’s one thing. If he isn’t…well…
He tricked you so he could tell everyone that he’s the victim of your cheating and therefore blameless in the divorce.
Why do they think we will come crawling back? Why do they always get mad when we leave, like they told us they wanted us to do? Then they blame us, saying we wrecked it. It’s so annoying. This is how my first marriage ended. He wanted an “open marriage” at 21. I agreed, cut him off, and moved me and the two kids out while going to school full time. He took it all back when his girlfriend realized he couldn’t afford the house and car payments, and alimony with child support. 😂🤷🏻♀️