Sorry this story is kind of long. I’m all over the place. I (19f) have two close friends, “Chris” (20m) and “Hana” (19f). Chris has been my friend since middle school and Hana became my friend after Chris introduced me to her.
Even though I knew Chris longer, I feel closer to Hana. We have the same sense of humor, and we have the same cringey interests. The three of us spent a lot of our free time hanging out since we went to colleges in the same area. There would be moments when Hana would jokingly call me her girlfriend, and it became a running joke that she was Chris’s girlfriend, and I was Chris’s girlfriend’s girlfriend.
I thought it was funny, but I’ll be upfront and say I was attracted to her, but in a way where you think your best friend is attractive but wouldn’t date them. One day where we were hanging out one on one and she asked if I’d ever be open to a threesome. I thought she was kidding at first but she was serious. Hana is very sexually open and forward, meanwhile I’m very reserved and have no experience. I immediately got awkward and she said don’t worry about it and she was just curious because her and Chris were trying to experience seeing other people.
My dad died last month from surgery complications. He was supposed to be having a quadruple bypass. He was my best friend. I can’t even begin to express how heartbroken I am. Needless to say I kind of lost my mind in the grief. Mental breakdowns, crying fits, attempts on my life, the works. Hana has come over a few times to stop me from trying to hurt myself. He was my only remaining parent and now it’s me living alone in this awful house with our dogs. My mom is out of the picture. I have an older sister (29f) but she’s in medical school out of state so I hardly see her. All my aunts and uncles are 600+ miles away.
My friends came to support me, but not in the way I think I needed. We would hang out at my
house a lot and they would bring drugs and liquor and we’d party or go out to bars and clubs. In the moment I was happy because I was always drunk.
Well one night it was just us three and Chris convinced me to try smoking for the first time. I decided “why not”, and smoked a bowl (?). While I was smoking him and Hana started making out, and even though it was making me uncomfortable the weed with the alcohol felt good so I stopped caring. Eventually they went into their room and I sat on the couch awkwardly until Hana came out and invited me to join. One thing led to another and I had sex with them and lost my virginity.
The next day I felt off, and Hana seemed upset too. She wouldn’t tell me why but kept saying it was something she had to work out with Chris. She also didn’t realize I was a virgin and wouldn’t have let him take mine if she knew (which I acknowledge is my fault for not communicating, but I genuinely thought I had mentioned it before).
We go back to hanging out normally but it doesn’t feel right. Im always sad unless im drunk and they seem frustrated and have petty arguments every time I come over. When we go out Hana is all over me and we dance with each other, but when the three of us hang out it’s cold. I’m starting to get paranoid because I’m worried I did something wrong. Every time I try talking to her she just apologies and says it’s not me and she doesn’t want to talk about it.
One afternoon after class I walk with Chris to his car and he asks if I want to ride with him to pick Hana up from work. I usually take the metro, but lately I hate being alone. so I say yes. He says they’re gonna take edibles and play Date Everything and asks if I want to join, and I say yes. I get in the car and Chris says I can sit in the front seat til we pick up Hana. I sit in the front seat and he gives me a gummy and I take it and we drive to her job which is 20 mins away. While we’re driving I ask him if everything’s ok and he says yes, but Hana’s upset about the threesome. I start getting worried and asking if it’s something I did and he says no in an annoyed voice and that she’s just upset the attention wasn’t all on her. At this point i’m really anxious and go quiet and he rubs my shoulder and says not to worry about it. Then he starts rubbing my thigh until I shake it off and the rest of the ride is quiet.
We get to Hana’s work and when she comes out she looks surprised to see me but otherwise acts normal. We get back to their apartment and everything is ok until Hana says she’s going to take a shower. While she’s in the shower Chris and I are on the couch high and making small talk. I start talking about still needing to figure out what I’m doing with my dad’s car and his gun collection and i start getting upset. Chris hugs me and says they’re both here for me and they’ll help me if I need it. I say thanks and we’re just looking at each other for a few seconds before he leans forward and kisses me. I just stare at him and he apologizes and starts rambling about how he and Hana have been talking about an open relationship because he likes me
romantically. I’m still not saying anything, and he says never mind and goes to the kitchen. Hana eventually comes out and sees i’m upset and asks what’s wrong.
This is where I might be the AH and the reason I made this convoluted post. When she asks me I just start crying. I start saying we should’ve never had sex and I’m getting mixed signals and I can’t do this anymore. Then I get up to grab my stuff and leave, but Hana intercepts me and is asking what the hell happened. I’m crying so hard I can’t even really speak any more and I just tell them both to not talk to me anymore and I leave and walk down the street until I finally call an uber and go home.
When I get home they’ve both called me a bunch and texted me separately and in our group chat. I ignore it and go to sleep. The next morning I feel awful and like I made myself look insane. I don’t look at my phone all morning and just spend the day crying and holding my dad’s stuff in his bed like a freak.
My dogs start barking and then I hear the doorbell. I go to check and it’s Hana and she asks if she can come in and I say yes. We sit in the living room and it’s awkward until she asks if im ok and I say no, but i don’t want to make things any worse so I’d rather be alone.
She says I didn’t ruin anything but she’s worried because I seem to be worse after the threesome. Then she says Chris said I kissed him and I started freaking out because she (Hana) didn’t want an open relationship. I told her that was NOT why I started freaking out and that he kissed me, and she looked at me for a long time and didn’t really say much else. I was starting to get really upset so I told her if she doesn’t believe me to get the fuck out of my house. I don’t ever raise my voice so that shocked her and she got up and left. On the way out she said I should really see a psychiatrist in an overly gentle voice and I told her she should see a couples therapist, which I know was an asshole move. Later she sent me a text saying she’s sorry she upset me but the threesome was just a one time thing and she just wants to have an open conversation without insults.
I didn’t respond and I’ve been isolating myself since. One of our friends asked if we could have a bonfire party at my house and i said no. They also invited me to go to the mall (Chris and Hana would be there) and I said no to that too, and now some people are messaging me asking if something happened. Chris sent me a text in our group chat with me him and Hana saying we need to talk and ignoring them is childish, and Hana said she’ll 51/50 me if I don’t respond.
I called my sister crying and told her everything. She yelled at me for smoking weed and having unprotected sex, and basically said i’m the AH for letting it get that far and that we need to sell the house and I need to come move in with her.
So yeah. Sorry for the long post but I think I’m losing my mind and I’m wondering if I’m missing something or behaving irrationally.
EDIT: My sister is flying in tomorrow to stay with me for a few days. I’m not going to continue friendship with those two anymore.
Comments
You’re not wrong. You were hurting and needed support, not confusion and pressure. Take space if that’s what helps you feel okay.
Ooh gosh, this is a complicated situation. I’m gonna say NTA, because they sprung a threesome and kiss on you under the influence/mourning. Which the one of the worst possible times to confess feelings and lose virginity. Though what you said was mean to Hana, I do recognize you need time alone. (And have time to get sober from your loss and other intoxicating things) You really should take up therapy or a focus group for mourning, because you’re lowkey spiraling. Once you feel your back to your previous self, then talk to your friends. At least Hana.
So in the end, Chris kisses you despite how the threesome affected not only you but also his own relationship, lied to his girlfriend about what happened. Hana believes him, and now they are threatening you with a psych hold.
If they’re going to act like the victims here, then set the record straight and be done with them.
ESH. Drinking, doing drugs and having sex with people who are in relationship leads to complications, what a shocker. Your male “friend” who wants to cheat on his gf and already lies to her about you is the main asshole, but you and Hana both brought a fair amount of this mess on yourselves. Just go low contact and move on.
You’re not the asshole. You’re grieving and vulnerable, and they took advantage of that. Chris kissing you and then lying was manipulative. Hana threatening a 51/50 is straight-up abusive. These are not real friends.
Your sister is right. You need distance, stability, and real support. Cut them off and get out. None of this is your fault.
tbh with you op i think they took advantage of you… in a big way… they sprung the idea of this on you and you were clearly uncomfortable with it.. then they asked again when you were vulnerable from grief and under the influence aka you couldn’t meaningfully consent… the next day you felt terrible which meant your body processed what your mind didn’t yet… then later on chris touched you without consent, then kissed you without consent and then blamed you for it and lied to his gf about what happened…
I think you were assaulted and you need to cut them off entirely.. they were not good to you, they got you into drugs instead of actually helping you through your grief… i think you do need to move back with your sister for a bit, and be with someone who actually cares about you and wants you to get better… those two aren’t your friends, they had ulterior motives with you and it seems like hana recognises that chris has some inappropriate feelings towards you but you’re taking the heat for it instead….
but hana will learn things the hard way in the long run bcuz chris effectively cheated on her by kissing you (regardless of your consent or not) and he knows it which is why he lied and made you out to be the bad guy.. if he does it once he will do it again… eventually he will find someone else to cheat with bcuz he told u they want an open rship whereas it’s clear from what hana said that that is patently false on her end.. but he’s using your mental state against you and acting like you’re crazy, and she is believing him… cut them out.. they will do you more harm than good in the long run.. they have already started harming you in fact
NTA
So, my dad just died. It is a super weird time. It feels like in the cartoon where the character has run off the cliff but hasn’t started to fall yet. I have been clinging to this to-do list for dear life all week.
Your friends offered you a form of support that wasn’t support. You need to take time to sort things out in your head. Take a breath and move through you grief at your own pace. As long as you are moving forward you are doing ok. No matter how slow.
Just because you had sex with someone once doesn’t mean you ever have to again. You are not to blame. You made a choice in an altered state and in grief. Learn from it, but don’t let it define who you are.
NTA. As someone who also lost a dear parent abruptly, I know how traumatising that can be. It’s okay for your emotions to be all over, and not (yet) knowing how to come to terms with it.
As for your friends, they are acting like assholes. They know that you went through something this traumatic. That is not the time to make advances on someone. This is the time you support them. I’m sorry that your friends took advantage of your vulnerability, but it’s not your fault.
On a sidenote, I would recommend staying away from alcohol and other substances like weed. While they might make the pain dull, it won’t help you come to terms with what happened. Rather, you’ll be keeping the wound open. Furthermore, you run the risk of getting addicted. Your pain and sadness right now is fully understandable and justified, so don’t feel like you must suppress it.
You need to talk to Hana very seriously and get her to understand that Chris kissed you and was stepping out on her. Threesome or no, what he did isn’t okay and he’s the person who needs to go in this situation.
NTA, either. You’re grieving for your dad and got thrown into a nightmarishly complicated romantic entanglement. It’s one thing to have a threesome, it’s another thing for Chris to pursue you romantically while his girlfriend is in the fucking shower.
I’d message back.
” I’ll talk to you when you tell Hannah the truth, until then both of you stay away from me and if you keep harassing me I’ll go to the police”
Tell all friends what happened and then what chris did so you wont be anywhere they are.
I cannot believe anyone read through all this.
Ur obviously nta but ur sister is definitely right about your stupidity here. Leave the group chat with just you three and block them. I would recommend telling ur other friends what happened before they can lie(especially since he lied to his gf when he kissed you) but that’s up to you. This situation is literally just stupid and this question is stupid. They’re not good friends and they aren’t even taking accountability for their actions.
Uhhhh ew?????? They’re so fucking creepy???? You showed no interest in a threesome with them, so why the fuck would they start making out while they were hanging out with you????? So fucking nasty. Literally taking advantage of you under the influence. And then he did it again after you were crying, trying to kiss you after you crying about your dad??? Barf. Taking advantage of your grief. RUN from these people. Block them and move in with your sister.
Your sisters phrasing sounds harsh but it seems to stem from protectiveness. Lean on the people who have your best interests in mind and please try and cut back on the alcohol/drugs, you are not in the best place to be using them. NTA. I’m sorry for your loss.
Sounds like
They 100000000000x took advantage of you.
They wanted to use you as a sex prop when you were at your most vulnerable.
The fact that Chris tried to turn it on you and lied about what happened, these people are not your friends.
NTA
This was not an appropriate way to initiate a threesome (with you intoxicated and grieving).
It’s not appropriate for Chris to get you alone amd give you drugs and start touching you.
These people are not your friends. You do not want to be around them. You DO want to seek counseling to help you with your grief.
OP- I’m so sorry for your loss.
NTA- you trusted in people who took advantage of your vulnerability. They’ve objectified you as a sexual pursuit in a time where you’re grieving and in an immensely painful place.
Maybe that wasn’t their intention, but those were their actions. They’re not going to like hearing that, because no one wants to feel gross or see themselves as predatory. I imagine if you addressed this with them- they’d react with hostility and blame and tell you you’re overreacting.
You didn’t ask for any of this, none of it is your fault. It sounds like moving in with your sister would be a great idea. You need support from someone who stands nothing to gain, and understands what you’re going through. You can grieve together. This is a good thing, a new start.
I would block those people, you owe them no explanation. If you need closure with this mess- that’s for you to determine. When and how is up to you.
I think pursuing grief counseling and sobriety for a little while would be really helpful tools in helping you move forward. But OP, it is time to change scenery and move on to a safer place. You deserve safety and support.
NTA but you are kids playing adult games. You are grieving, need support, unfortunely your friends arent mature enough and cant help you but they try, you need time. Your sister is right but that doesnt mean you need to sell all and run to her, maybe just take a little vacation with her? The house had memories of your father so sell it maybe is too extreme. Go to your sister and when you calm down a little maybe try to talk with your friends again. If you love your friends like that, just like friends, its worth the shoot.
NAH
I think your grief is manifesting itself this way and you need a therapist to deal with it
You need help. This is too much for you to process yourself. See if your schoolmoffers counseling for mental health
While you’re NTA, your friend is right. You may want to consider professional help. You dont want to keep isolating, and help will keep you from spiraling. Professional help comes with confidentiality and impartiality. Grief can be paralyzing. Please take care of yourself.
This story was a wild ride, but I’d say you’re NTA and you’re not acting irrationally. You are in a very vulnerable and emotional state and your friends seemed to be the ones who initiated the threesome. This almost never ends well for the original couple, ESPECIALLY if they include one of their friends who they see all the time. I’m sorry that Hana didn’t believe that Chris kissed you, unfortunately a very common and shitty tactic used when people try to cheat and are rejected.
You are not acting irrational, and you have no obligation to talk to your friends, but I think eventually it would be worth having an honest conversation with the both of them when you’re ready. If it can’t continue on healthily, it might be the end for you all but it’s worth giving it a shot if you don’t want to lose them as friends.
And as general advice, (I know this is far easier said than done) doing drugs/drinking with your friends is not a good way to cope with your feelings. I know this is probably obvious but it’s something that may really be inhibiting your ability to work through this incredibly difficult time in your life.
I wish you the best and I know you will get through these tough times stronger on the other side.
NTA. i think you should be honest with them about your mental state and the type of support you need right now. you don’t need drugs or chaos or mixed signals. you need space and comfort without second intentions. if you have the condition to, look for professional help and focus on your mental health now, if they can’t help you with this without messing you up, then it’s not time to hang out with them.
im really sorry about all of what happened to you and hope you be better soon!
I’ma just say one thing this is why you don’t have threesomes with people you are friends with, and you should have threesomes with strangers. Because of stupid shit like This you wound up developing hard feelings towards each other and then it never works out. Was raped by a friend and throught it was a threesome take it from me your not the asshole
And honestly, even though you guys claim it was a threesome, it was technically rape because they sprung it upon you and you didn’t really fully consent
NTA You’re going through a difficult time and they did not help you they just kept you intoxicated. They are not your friends, you 100% need space and distance away from them as well as someone who genuinely cares for you in your corner. Moving in with your sister is probably the best idea for you right now.
There’s way too much to unpack here, and no judgements, but I can tell you something with 100% certainty:
you should absolutely not be involved with one or both of them romantically, like AT ALL, especially while you work through your grief (and shouldn’t probably get into ANY heavy relationship)
Your friends drugged you and took advantage of you sexually. Your virginity was taken in the worst way. That’s why you feel worse not better. You didn’t consent. You weren’t even in a place to consent. Those aren’t friends. Go with your sister. Get counseling. Start over make better friends and have a better life.
NTA. They took advantage of you when you were vulnerable. Tho Hana is right on 1 thing, and that is that you might benefit from talking to a professional. Before you get hurt even more.
I’m sorry but I really feel like these two individuals did you dirty. You were highly sensitive and taking drugs for the first time, you were dealing with grief and loss and they used your loss and dependence on them to create an invitation to have a threesome while you were high. You did not need this and it was not for you, it was for them and their relationship. It is manipulative of both of them and honestly how they are acting is really not like friends. She is bullying you because she is insecure in her relationship and he is lying after actively hitting on you because he wants you and her. These people did not care about how it will affect you and honestly to threaten to 51/50 you is freaking psycho. That is gross.
Go to grief therapy for your dad. Do not rely on these two to help you because they are not interested in your best interests. Therapy will help you understand that you can rely on yourself and identify who are good friends. You do not do drugs with them again, they can’t be trusted. I would not be alone with them again because of the bullying and lying. If you must hang out in a friend group you need to be prepared for them alienating you from others because they are selfish and being toxic.
I’d fine new people to rely on and I would not take depressant drugs while actively grieving.
I am so sorry for your dad and that you learned your friends are kind of jerks. But
Nta
Holy essay Batman
Chris is a major jerk, and Hana is definitely one too. Chris wants to keep Hana around while having feelings for you, and wanted an excuse to explore those feelings and cheat on her to explore how you guys would work without risking what he currently has. Hana has blamed you for this.
You’re NTA and I am so sorry they did this to you. They’re awful friends.
I am glad your sister is coming to be with you. I really don’t feel Hana and Chris are your friends. They took advantage of your grief for their own pleasure. I think it would be good for you to move away and start fresh. You don’t seem to like being in the house anyways and if nothing is holding you there anymore, it’s best to be around family that would actually care about you.
Edit: I am very sorry for your loss.
I stopped reading after you 19 and friend 19 & 20 “went to bars and clubs”
Typical threesome except the virginity thing. Girl convinces other girl then gets jealous.
Gonna add this one to the “reasons threesomes don’t work out” encyclopedia
When you’re grieving, you want the pain to stop. I feel that Chris and Hana are lowkey predators, offering drugs to take the pain away, but that also lower your inhibitions so that they could get you into bed with them.
Then they’ve got relationship drama because of what they did, and they’re trying to drag you into that, and you don’t need that shit right now. Your sister is wrong that you’re the asshole–these people took advantage of you. But you need to get away from them. NTA.