I’m 16F. I live with my Dad and my stepdad. My dad was always there for me.
My “mother” never cared about me. When I was like 9, maybe, my dad said my “mother” wanted to start visiting. She came to visit and after a few visits she stopped. Same thing happened when I was, probably, 12 and she gave up again.
About a month ago she wanted to a relationship with me. My dad and my stepdad said I should meet with her as did my gran and even my aunts got involved but I didn’t and don’t want to. My dad never stopped me. My dad and my gran (his mother) don’t have a good relationship but he never stops me seeing her. I have a happy life. I was just too chicken to say it to everyone but my dad and my stepdad
My dad told my “mother” that he’s not allowing visitation between me and her. He told me it’s better for the blame to be put on him in case I ever wanted to visit her in the future.
My “mother” is furious. She shouted abuse at my Dad. She spoke to my gran and my aunts (who she’s close to) and they are angry with him too. It’s very bad how they are treating him.
I spoke to my stepdad and he said one of the best things about my dad is he’ll happily take a beating rather than someone he loves take one punch. He said it doesn’t phase my Dad just maybe give him a hug now and then. When I bring it up with my Dad he laughs and says don’t worry about it. He said they are only annoying themselves.
Every time he gets grief because of my decision I just feel bad. And I feel like a coward. It was my decision not his but he’s getting the flak.
AITAH for letting him to take the flak.
Comments
NTA and neither is he. He’s protecting you.
I didn’t go very far in my OG comment but to do so now: you do not need to feel guilt for living a good life and not wanting someone who won’t put you first in your life.
NTA
People often say “I would do anything to prevent my child being hurt”. This is often made as a platitude and they don’t really mean it.
Your Dad is living his commitment to prevent you being hurt. Just appreciate how much of a good person he is.
Just give hin a hug and a “love you”.
Your dad is just doing his job as a dad. He knows he can handle it and he feels it’s his responsibility to protect you. Imagine how bad he’d feel if all that anger was targeted at you. You need to trust that he knows what he’s doing (and maybe give him a hug and tell him you love him a little more often to balance the scales a bit). NTA cause that’s just what good parents do.
Everything is probably right here but let me tell you a very short cautionary tale.
I believed what my mum said about my father because he was never a great father to me, so until I was 50 I thought my father was pretty evil. One day, my mother’s lies unraveled.
I had been blaming a load of things on my father that were actually my mother’s fault. My father was crap, not evil and it was too late.
All I’m asking is that you question things properly, there are things you may not know about that happened when you were 12.
NTA. Your dad is putting you first. Let him protect you, especially if he knows how she is and you don’t want to talk to her.
If you think something has changed, you can tell her to write you a letter or email explaining things. However, her years of absence say a lot.
NTA. You only have a few more years to be a minor. Age 16 is among the last years to be a child and therefore to be taken care of without reservation by a parent. Enjoy it. Revel in that comfort and protection. Your dad is doing exactly what a good parent should, so follow your stepdad’s advice. Keep hugging your dad every now and then for being such a stellar example of parenthood since, god knows, your so-called mother is sure doing the opposite.
No. You are a well loved child.
Accept graciously.
Your dad respects you. Sounds like your stepdad respects both you and your dad.
The other adults you identified are not respectful of anyone apparently, not even themselves.
Don’t worry about them and let your dad know you love & respect him too. This imbroglio isn’t about you – it’s about your well being. Your dad cares more about your well being than anything a bunch of opinionated people who don’t respect either of you are saying.
That’s a good dad. A responsible & caring dad. Be glad. And go on with your life.
If you change your mind about your mom later, in a few years or whatever, check it out then.
You count. Your dad is protecting boundaries for you and your immediate family of choice.
The others are like a bunch of squabbling crows fighting over nothing at all. They just like to fight and cast aspersions and tear others down. It’s their nature. They aren’t showing up for you every day like your dad & stepdad.
Hey as a mom you are absolutely NTA I would take a thousand angry words to protect my kids from this uglyness. You are so loved by the people you have chosen. She does not deserve you.
NTA. This is something good parents do, something they WANT to do. It’s not even necessarily a good parent thing, just a good person thing when it comes to people they love. Your dad WANTED to take the blame, for YOU, so you could keep a possibility of a relationship with your mother open in case you change your mind in the future. Both he and your stepdad are telling you he WANTED to do this, and he’s HAPPY to take the blame, and all that comes with it.
Listen to your stepdad, and give your dad a hug. Tell him you love him and really appreciate all he does for you and how much he loves you. You can apologise for putting him in this position if you want to, feeling guilty in this scenario is natural. Just remember your dad is doing this because he loves you so much and wants to protect you. You may never be open to a relationship with your deadbeat mother, but he’s trying to keep that option open for you, just in case, as well as protecting you from the backlash of saying no.
It sounds like you have a pretty awesome dad and stepdad, you’re at least lucky in that respect. Let them love and protect you.
If you want to get your feelings out safely and privately, maybe write them down, either in a diary or just on some paper you destroy afterwards. Sometimes writing this stuff down can really help us get the emotions out as well as put things in perspective. Imagine what you’re going to be like as a parent with your dad and stepdad as your examples, if/when you have kids, I bet you’ll be an awesome parent because of them, willing to do stuff just like this to protect your own kids.
At first I was thinking that your dad is a good dad because he’s protecting you but then I realized that your dad is a great dad because of how much empathy you have. You aren’t letting him take the flack, you’re letting him be a parent.