My children’s father (George) had a big falling out with his parents because they refuse to treat his stepdaughter, Janie, (She was also recently adopted by him) like one of their grandchildren. So George banned them from seeing our kids and told them he would throw out any gifts they sent unless they sent one for Janie.
Even though they are my ex in-laws I have a very good relationship with them. My kids also have a very good relationship with them as they have been very involved in their lives. One or both of them will usually pick up them up after school and now since its summer after camp and they will spend the afternoons at their house or go out to the movies or something. I have opted to continue with this arrangement because I know my kids really enjoy spending time with them. I have also been letting them keep gifts from their grandparents.
George is not happy about it. He feels like I should not be overriding his parenting choices when it comes to his parents and he should have the final decision concerning them. Since Janie goes to the same camp she sees them pick up our kids. George says it makes her feel bad to be left out and thinks I am basically encouraging his parents to exclude Janie.
Comments
I just wanna clear this up. You are not married to George. Also, can I ask why does his parents treat Janie the way they do? Was something done to make them be that way? I don’t agree letting your kids suffer from not having a relationship with their grandparents so George is wrong in that aspect.
I think the fact that you don’t seem to care about your kids’ stepsister’s feelings kinda makes you an asshole
The grandparents are the AHs. What do they have to gain by not accepting their newest grandchild?
This is also doing a disservice to your children. Janie is their sibling. What are they learning from their grandparents?
Overall NAH although your ex is right in that even if the kids enjoy time with their grandparents their grandparents behavior is teaching them lessons you really don’t want them learning and he should have a say when he believes his parents are acting in ways that are unhealthy for the kids.
This is a double edge sword. I can see EX’s point of view. But, when kids are under your custody time, it is your house your rules.
YTA BUT his parents are the biggest AH!
Who The F is going to exclude a child. I mean WTF.
The kids of my sister husband came to our house.. and they called my parents opa and oma… then they came with their sister ( the child from their mother and her new husband) and also she saw my parents as extra grandparents.
You should stand by your ex-husband. You should teach your kids that this behaviour is NOT okay.
I mean WTF. This is making me angry
You should defer to your ex. You circumventing him will only cause more issues in co-parenting with him and serve to create drama
Two AH parties here. You for enabling the isolation of one of the kids; the grandparents for excluding the kid.
It’s a absolute dick move to punish a kid for nothing other than who gave birth to them.
YTA
I was kinda on the fence with you allowing the kids to keep seeing his parents until you said they pick them up from the same camp as Janie and Janie see this. This makes you the AH. All 3 kids are siblings, their dad’s parents need to get onboard and treat them equally or have very little contact. His parents are huge AH and your an AH for condoning their behavior.
NTA. You are not responsible for him pissing his parents off. Making your kids suffer so that their stepsister by your ex doesn’t feel bad would be idiotic parenting at best.
YTA alone for this being done in Jaime’s sight and so are your ex in laws. That poor kid. What do you want to teach your kids? It’s okay to exclude their step sister?
NTA.. while i dont agree with how the grandparents are handling the situation, I dont feel its fair to damage your children’s relationship with their grandparents. As long as you remain open and honest with your kids about how they should treat others i find no issues.. Also, it may not be right, but they have a right to not want to have a grandparent relationship with Janie. Just because someone chooses to blend doesn’t mean everyone else feels that way. (i have a blended family) I always have to remind myself not everyone approaches things the way i do or would choose to do. You cannot force a relationship by taking away another relationship because thats wrong as well.. This is like making your ex take your child from a new relationship on their parenting time because they are “siblings” life doesn’t work that way.
NTA
Your kids come first. George can sort his own bullshit out.
NTA, I don’t know why people get married and want to force everyone to accept their blended family.
NTA. Your ex being stubborn and prioritizing the feelings of his new wife and her daughter doesn’t mean your kids should lose a good relationship with their own grandparents.
YTA
Stay in your lane.
NTA, your kids’ relationship with their paternal grandparents predates the drama created by your ex, his new wife and his newly adopted stepdaughter with his parents. You are within your rights to let your kids continue their relationship with their paternal grandparents during your parenting time. Would George allow you to have final say during his parenting time on any particular topic? I would guess the answer is no. George should settle the issues he has with his parents with regards to his new family on his own and not use your kids as leverage.
Nta
This is a toughie, with no good answer. I get your husbands point. That is between them. Now his parents have a way around the rules, in a childish way. And they are using you to do it.
But… There is something to be said for “my house, my rules.”. How would you feel if the roles were reversed?
ESH
NTA. It’s your decision who your children visit/spend time with, when you have them. Besides it’s their grandparents, who they love & who love them.
Did he cheat with his current partner? If so, that is probably why they want nothing to do with his SD.
Wow! Just wow you cannot stop the grandparents from how they are acting but I hope you are teaching your children to have empathy and compassion for their sibling regardless of what their grandparents feel. How would you feel if it was done to your children?
George new blended family us not your problem. Do you have good relationship with the grandparents? Do they treat your children/their grandchildren good? Do your children want a relationship with their grandparents? If all answers are yes. Then why would you prohibit them from seeing their grandparents? They will resent their dad for this, they will resent their stepdaughter and stepmother and the last thing you want them to resent you too.
NTA. While it’s terrible to leave out a child it is not your responsibility to care more about said child’s feeling or well being than your own children. I also don’t see a problem with him keeping the kids from seeing his parents and refusing gifts during his parenting time, he should have no say in yours. I would love to know the grandparent reasons for excluding her though and what your children think about this/ how they feel about their new stepsister
EAH simple as that and it’s the kids that get hurt (Janie especially) because adults can’t pull their heads from where the sun doesn’t shine for two minutes to see the damage they’re creating.
Your relationship with your ex’s parents, while Its greate you get along especially after a separation but they are mistreating their step-grandchild just because they don’t like the mom and your okay with that behaviour? You’re okay showing your kids it’s okay to mistreat others even if they’re family just because “they aren’t blood” or dislike someone they are related too? This kid is sister legally. Shes a KID, and the adults around her are miss treating her, do you honestly believe your kids don’t see or recognize that? I’m kind of wondering what they say about their step-mom and step sister when you aren’t around to hear.
Do you honestly think they aren’t saying anything to your kids? Plz.
Secondly, I genuinely don’t care about what anyone else has set on here, those are his parents. He set a boundary for himself and his kids and his family for a reason and that is a boundary you broke just because “well I don’t have a problem with them”. Your husband has a Blended family. Your kids are involved in a blended family. Those are HIS parents. He kind of does have the final say about what his kids do with his parents. When he is ready for his parents to see their kids, and when they are able to treat kids equally and not alienate A CHILD, then your kids can see them again. Your ex is having an issue with his parents and is trying to provide the only consequence that he has, which is not seeing their grandchildren unless they want to see and treat them the same. And if you explain this age-appropriate to your children, why you are not seeing them, that won’t alienate them that will show them that adults are facing consequences for their actions.
I wouldn’t let my kids think that behaviour, alienating a child or mistreatment of other just because they aren’t blood, is okay. I wouldn’t reward people doing those actions. I wouldn’t want my children to see it’s okay to alienate someone who is now their sister. You are actively showing your kids it’s okay to mistreat their sister.
NTA. Your ex has no business depriving his bio kids of a relationship with their grandparents. I get their the AHs for not accepting his adopted daughter on the same level as their bio grandkids, but that’s between him and them, not you.
Is there a specific reason they don’t want to?
“He feels like I should not be overriding his parenting choices when it comes to his parents “
His parenting is for his time.
YOU also get parenting decisions for your time.
NTA
ESH. But mostly the grandparents. Maybe they shouldn’t punish a child for adult actions.
I don’t know how good/bad your relationship is with your ex. However, think of how you would feel if the tables were reversed & he overrode your decisions on your parents. I feel that you are stirring the pot and disrespecting your kids father. However, if he’s a huge asshole to you & its a bad relationship regardless….I understand not caring about his feelings
NTA- Your kids still deserve family.
Are Janie’s grandparents stepping up as grandparents to your kids?
If the ex in laws weren’t stepping up, it seems like it would create a financial hardship for you (and his bio kids), not him. You seem to have primary custody
NTA. The kids have a right to continue a relationship with their grandparents even if George has had a falling out with them. Tell George to hold out one hand for your obedience, crap in the other, and see which one fills up first.
ESH, even if you don’t mean to be. You might not like it, but he made that rule for a reason. You deciding to go behind his back is just creating more tension down the line for a situation that you’ll be able to walk away from damage free, but not your kids, their other parent, or the grandparents in question.
I’d like to think this isn’t willful maliciousness on your end of things, but I’ve known one too many adults who’ve decided that it’s okay to throw a child under the bus in the name of some vindication.
EDIT: Actually going to change my answer. ESH. The grandparents for mistreating a child, and you for going along with it
I’m pretty sure if this was written from the husband’s POV everyone would take his side. “AITAH I’m NC with my parents because they refuse to recognize my adopted daughter. My ex-wife is going behind my back and letting them see our kids, even to the point where ex lets my parents pick up our kids from summer camp and ignore my adopted daughter, who goes to the same summer camp and comes home crying about how she’s not good enough for them.” I agree it’s a complex situation so I’m gonna go NAH, except for the grandparents, who are being needlessly cruel to a little girl.
Sounds like your ex is ex for a reason! Cutting off the grandparents because he’s made questionable decisions is stupidity. Good for you
I find myself siding a bit more with the ex here. If his parents are being toxic in a sense, he should be able to create boundaries. It’s all he can do. The question of whether he is using fair judgment is the real one. I’d say lots of factors need to be considered to determine that. Yes they are his parents. At the same time, all this would best have been done by talking about it with his ex wife ( OP) and jointly deciding on this path. I can see why OP was less on board as he handled it. I guess I would be hoping that both his parents and her ex could decide to let go of their feelings about each other and think primarily of the children. But OP if you did this to me I would be unhappy about it. I would have been very forthcoming with you if I had to make such a big decision about mutual children. So final verdict, only the kids are NTA.
NTA. You don’t have to keep loving family members away from your children just because your ex husband has a problem with them. Your kids shouldn’t lose their grandparents because of their dad’s decisions.
NTA. I’m adopted and it truly sucks to be left out of your “family”. I feel sorry for his adopted daughter. While I don’t agree with how the grandparents are dealing with things, cutting them off from existing grandchildren that they have a good relationship with is not the way to go.
The ex should be working on fostering a relationship between his parents and his adopted child instead of expecting them to be insta-family. Overtime, the bond could then grow organically. Forcing a relationship and giving ultimatums just hurts his other kids and makes people dig in their heels.
I do think you may want to consider talking to your kids about kindness and empathy and encourage them to build a relationship with their new sibling.
Encourage, not force or push is the key difference. You may choose a partner someday with children as well. That being said, a lot depends on your relationship with the ex. You certainly don’t owe him anything if he wouldn’t do the same for you.
On his parenting time he can do whatever he wants. But it’s your time so continue the relationship. Janie is no business of yours
NTA your kids shouldn’t have to suffer the loss of a good grandparent relationship because your ex is having difficulty managing his new blended family. You have zero obligation to help him blackmail his parents.
NTA.
Did he even discuss the whole “I’m adopting a whole child I want you to treat like blood”? Convo with them or just dropped it on them one day and then wonder why they not receptive?
Honestly don’t matter cause the kids shouldn’t have to suffer just cause he decided to take on another human
Although he doesn’t get to dictate to you about his parents, I would want to know why they ignore his daughter. I have no use for people who say stepkids and adopted kids aren’t ‘blood’ and proceed to make those kids fill less then. If that is the reason, I would have a talk with my kids regarding behavior.
I’m guessing you must hate his adopted stepdaughter as well and don’t mind the pain the grandparents are causing the child since you’re willing to throw your ex under the bus for parents that aren’t even yours?
YTA
Do better
NTA. Your ex is trying to force his stepdaughter into the lives of many. While I understand his want for a smooth transition, he is only building disdain and resentment with his actions.
All things considered yta
Any good these people do is voided by their treatment of an innocent child. You’re teaching your children that it’s okay to treat this little girl as if she doesn’t exist. What kind of person are you?
Honestly I can see both sides of this.
I really feel sorry for this little girl who’s left out. I don’t know how people can treat children like this.
Unfortunately this doesn’t involve you. Your relationship and the kids when they are with you is your choice and your business. You should not get in the middle. That’s between his parents and him. Now it’s a shame and I assume they don’t like his wife. That is probably what is going on. I vote you stay out of it and carry on. Tell him you are not involved. Sorry.
Ehhhhh. You want your children to spend a lot of time with adults who ostracize a child family member because they don’t like her mom? I think that says a fair amount about you.
YTA.
You can be legally correct (this is your custody time) and morally bankrupt (this is his family, and his choice).
You are playing a dangerous game here….
Your ex has adopted this step child. This is not a five minute wonder… this is a life long commitment here. Do you not want your children to get along with their legal sister? What other tom fuckery are you up to to create a hostile environment for your kids at their dad’s house, or for the step mother/daughter to have to ut up with. Why are you deliberately letting these grandparents parade a better relationship with the blood grandchildren than the adopted one, even on the summer holidays. And what kind of shitty grandparents are they that they think this is a value their grandchildren should be taught? Are you stupid and falling into their game, or is their game serving your own end?
You are a piece of work. This is a power game and you are enjoying it, and it is NOT in the best interests of the children involved. Not yours, not the step child, this is going to blow up, cause years of hate and angst and anger, and while you might be able to try to craft and channel that towards your ex… holding a grenade is also an extreme risk for the person holding it in the first place. It has a fair chance to just blow back on you.