I (40m) have an 18 year old daughter with my ex-wife, call her Maddy. We divorced when she was 7, and I have her 3 weekends a month. Her mom moved to a suburb almost an hour outside the city to be closer to her family and for a better school, my work was in the city, and after a while Maddy got sick of all the driving and ask if we could go to a different schedule. We talked most days on the phone, and I have been very involved in her life. She’s a great student, graduated with over a 4.0, has a lot of friends and a (what I thought!!) very nice boyfriend. She’s has no idea what she wants to do with her life, and had already decided to defer her scholarship a year to take classes at the community college and work.
I also have a girlfriend Vera (37) and she gets along with Maddy great. We’ve been together about 2 years and she just moved into my house a few months ago and it’s been great. I didn’t really date much the past few years between Maddy and work so it’s nice having someone always around. Vera doesn’t want kids of her own, and I don’t want anymore, so it’s been great.
So for all that, Maddy is pregnant and her mom has kicked her out. Her boyfriend has another year left of nursing school and lives in a college apartment with roommates. She is of course staying here for now and found out late – she’s due in January. She and her boyfriend went over the options and decided to keep the baby. She told me very meekly and asked if she could stay. I told her of course, she knows this is disappointing but she’ll never stop being my baby and if this is what’s going to happen, I’m here to support her within reason. As in, I’m fine babysitting if she has work or class, and she will keep working and going to school, but I’m not babysitting for her to party or hang out with friends. If the boyfriend bails, which I was as kind as I could be but told her happens even with the nicest boys, she would need to file child support. And I would give her grace before and after birth, but when she’s recovered she will go back to doing chores on top of baby ones. I told her and the boyfriend to sleep on it and they did and came back with actual thoughtful responses, and even a budget and budget goal that I found impressive. So, the tiny bedroom next to Maddy’s that is currently home to a treadmill I never use is going to be a nursery.
Of course I’ve kept Vera in the loop during all of this, and she seemed really understanding until I told her the plan. She got upset and said if she wanted to raise a baby she’d have one of her own. She said she didn’t sign up for this and is not ok with it, and demanded I rescind the offer, that Maddy is 18 and needs to figure it out on her own if she wants to keep the baby. I told her I wouldn’t do that, she’ll always be my daughter and needs help. She threatened to move out if I didn’t tell Maddy to get out, then got mad that I told her I understood. Now she’s avoiding the both of us (but still staying here) or being snippy. I don’t know what she expects me to do, but it’s making the entire house anxious.
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Original copy of post’s text by /u/crampingMY_style: I (40m) have an 18 year old daughter with my ex-wife, call her Maddy. We divorced when she was 7, and I have her 3 weekends a month. Her mom moved to a suburb almost an hour outside the city to be closer to her family and for a better school, my work was in the city, and after a while Maddy got sick of all the driving and ask if we could go to a different schedule. We talked most days on the phone, and I have been very involved in her life. She’s a great student, graduated with over a 4.0, has a lot of friends and a (what I thought!!) very nice boyfriend. She’s has no idea what she wants to do with her life, and had already decided to defer her scholarship a year to take classes at the community college and work.
I also have a girlfriend Vera (37) and she gets along with Maddy great. We’ve been together about 2 years and she just moved into my house a few months ago and it’s been great. I didn’t really date much the past few years between Maddy and work so it’s nice having someone always around. Vera doesn’t want kids of her own, and I don’t want anymore, so it’s been great.
So for all that, Maddy is pregnant and her mom has kicked her out. Her boyfriend has another year left of nursing school and lives in a college apartment with roommates. She is of course staying here for now and found out late – she’s due in January. She and her boyfriend went over the options and decided to keep the baby. She told me very meekly and asked if she could stay. I told her of course, she knows this is disappointing but she’ll never stop being my baby and if this is what’s going to happen, I’m here to support her within reason. As in, I’m fine babysitting if she has work or class, and she will keep working and going to school, but I’m not babysitting for her to party or hang out with friends. If the boyfriend bails, which I was as kind as I could be but told her happens even with the nicest boys, she would need to file child support. And I would give her grace before and after birth, but when she’s recovered she will go back to doing chores on top of baby ones. I told her and the boyfriend to sleep on it and they did and came back with actual thoughtful responses, and even a budget and budget goal that I found impressive. So, the tiny bedroom next to Maddy’s that is currently home to a treadmill I never use is going to be a nursery.
Of course I’ve kept Vera in the loop during all of this, and she seemed really understanding until I told her the plan. She got upset and said if she wanted to raise a baby she’d have one of her own. She said she didn’t sign up for this and is not ok with it, and demanded I rescind the offer, that Maddy is 18 and needs to figure it out on her own if she wants to keep the baby. I told her I wouldn’t do that, she’ll always be my daughter and needs help. She threatened to move out if I didn’t tell Maddy to get out, then got mad that I told her I understood. Now she’s avoiding the both of us (but still staying here) or being snippy. I don’t know what she expects me to do, but it’s making the entire house anxious.
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NTA – Vera lives with you so she gets to have an opinion and make a choice for herself and not be okay with this and even move out.
You and Vera just may not be compatible anymore but I think Vera is being unsympathetic, even if this isnt what she wants she should understand you are supporting your daughter.
Maddy did figure it out – she reached out to her family for support. That is what figuring it out looks like. You are her family, her father. She sounds like a smart young woman with a great support in her dad. Too bad Vera won’t be a part of that ig. Vera isn’t entitled to the title of her man free and clear as if you are a second hand car.
Have a great time with your new grandchild! Im sure you have some incredible memories on the way.
NTA. That’s your kid man. An 18 year old with nowhere to go and a baby on the way needs stability. Vera doesn’t get to override your responsibility as a father
YTA
This is no longer just your home. When you have Vera move in you were making a commitment to plan major living decisions WITH her.
You are an amazing Dad and your relationship with your daughter and grandkid to be is far more important than a lady that you’ve known for 2 years. Vera needs to go. Sorry, it’s for the best.
Who owns the home that you live in? The answer hugely depends on that. If it is her home, you cannot invite more people to live there.
TLDR Daughters before hoes
Time to tell you GF she can do what’s best for her but your daughter will
Probably be here for 3-4 years . Let her know you want her to stay but your life will change
you: NTA.
your gf: YTA.
It’s not fair of your girlfriend to demand your daughter not be allowed to stay there.. Vera moved into YOUR home, and knew you had a daughter (I’m assuming). Maddy is going through a challenging life event at a young age. One of her parents already kicked her out. She’s probably devastated and desperately needs the love and support of her family. I think everything you said was incredibly reasonable and shows you are a decent man, trying to be a good father. Abandoning Maddy right now just isn’t an option.. that is your daughter. If Vera is upset about this, that is something she’s going to have to work out within herself. It seems like both Maddy and her bf understand the weight of what they’re doing and like you said, they are being thoughtful and intentional in how they plan to navigate after the baby is born.
I am sorry that Vera isn’t responding well to the plan, but you are doing everything right and I commend you for it.
NTA. Now you and Mandy’s BF need a concrete PLAN on an independence and move out plan with FULL household participation and the baby being 100% Mandy’s responsibility. Your GF shouldn’t have to raise the baby, but I 100% get why she would be worried that she would be put in this role. Maybe a couple of sessions of family counseling with you, your GF and Mandy?
Yta. If 2 people live in the house. 2 people have to say yes.
You know vera’s answer and the consiquences if you say yes.
You have to now make your choice. You can not keep them both.
If i was you. Id lose the girlfriend, very fast.
NAH
I get where Vera is coming from, she was expecting a child free relationship now to know that there will be a baby involved in the near future completely changes the expectations she had of your relationship.
You are doing good by supporting your daughter, even her and her boyfriend needs to understand about using protection.
Everyone here is trying to figure where they go next, where they stand in the new dynamic.
18 is barely an adult, and actual adults who think 18 is a proper age to be 100% on your own are a problem. Good job still being willing to be a parent to your child when she needs you. NTA.
NTA. It’s your house. Your girlfriend only just moved in. Sure, you should consider her preferences to some extent…but you will never magically not have a daughter…so she should understand that you will always assist your daughter within reason. It’s good that your daughter and the father of her child have come up with certain goals. I think they should also look into whether the boyfriend’s parents and/or other trusted family members can also assist with babysitting. You say you’d be willing to babysit when your daughter is at school or work. That would be a lot. That would likely be too much quite frankly so it’s a good idea to see who else is down for babysitting within your family as well. So long as you feel they are trust worthy people and that if they have children or pets they would be good around a baby.
Tell your girlfriend that simply because you’ve agreed to babysit doesn’t mean she is roped in as well. She’s welcome to buy herself some good noise cancelling headphones to use until the baby has a set sleep schedule.
So long as you set aside time to keep going on dates with your girlfriend and take her on short trips every once in a while so she doesn’t feel like her life is revolving around the unexpected situation, I think you have a good chance of holding on to the relationship.
Tel your girlfriend that she’s creating a hostile environment for your daughter and future grandchild and think it might be better for her to find her own accommodations until Maddy is on her feet and moved out.
She’s not going to get less snippy when there’s a crying baby in the house and she’s going to do things that make your daughter feel unwelcome in your home.
She didn’t sign up to be a parent but no one is asking her to but she can’t dictate what happens in your home.
Sounds like a good plan. You are being a good dad. What is wrong with her mom? I mean it happens. At least they appear as though they are taking responsibility and have a plan. Believe me, when that baby comes along, you will be so glad you helped start them off in life. I still remember the newborn once she was walking and starting to talk would greet my husband at the door and say “Papa” lifting her little arms up to him. It will melt your heart. She just turned 11.
My youngest daughter moved in with her husband, 6 year old and newborn when they were 26 and 27, after nearly a decade in the Marine Corps. Our son-in-law was medically retired due to a rare eye disease. His eyesight started to deteriorate. They lived with us for 16 months and got a new life plan. We paid for living expenses and groceries. They were adults, but we still helped them.
SIL just started teaching high school math. Our older daughters do not have children and understand the family pretty much revolves around the grandchildren. They love spending time with them too.
I’m sorry Vera is not adapting, but maybe she just is not the right one for you. Would she resent a grandchild if it was not living with you? Better to find out now.
YTA to your gf because you know damn well she is going to get roped into babysitting when she didn’t want kids. That’s an asshole move on your part. Support your daughter but pay for an apartment so she can see what it is like to have a kid. What is your plan for when she gets knocked up again? For a 4.0 student, she isn’t very intelligent. Doubtful that she finishes college. kiss your retirement goodbye.
Vera needs to go. You’re doing fatherhood exactly right!!!!
Edit. NTA.
My kids will always come first. My son and his girlfriend were pregnant young. At first I worried about it, but a baby is never a burden. They lived with us for the first couple of years. I begged for them to leave her with me when I wasn’t working.
Being a grandparent is the most awesome thing in the world. I think your girlfriend will change her mind and she’ll get attached to the baby. If she doesn’t think it’s right, she can leave. She should understand that your child will always come first. If not, she’s a terribly selfish person. She should be supporting you. Never did I “have” to babysit. And your daughter and grandchild will never forget your generosity and it won’t be easy some days, but I think what your heart is telling you is right. Congratulations soon-to-be grandpa! You will also be very proud of your daughter and how much she grows up and does what she needs to do . Please keep us updated. Every baby is a blessing.
It’s your DAUGHTER, no, you are not the asshole AT ALL.
Sound like a lot of ultimations being given. Don’t see options being discussed in this post. After delivery is there a plan to move in to an apartment of her own. You seem to be protecting father. How about protecting your girlfriend. Lots of young people have to alter their plans and curtail educational plans to make enough money to support their unplanned pregnancy. Daughter working part time, father working part time and you contributing a little they should be able to make an apartment work.
Your daughter comes first! I cant believe the audacity of her to ask you to take back the offer! On your bike, Vera!!!
Goodbye Vera. You are an incredible dad, NTA.
Of course you must do what you can for your daughter. BUT…you left your girlfriend out of the planning loop! And you sprung it on her AFTER everything was settled. Now, you have an understandably sticky situation on your hands. Your girlfriend is not the villain here. I’m sure that she feels totally blindsided as she has made it crystal clear that babies are not her thing! You are going to have to find a way to fix this and make it WORK.
NAH… GF may choose to move on and that’s a perfectly reasonable choice given your change in circumstances.
You each have choices.
Wishing you all the best
Tell your girl “Peace Out”, we are done. Don’t let her compromise your relationship with your daughter, I have a daughter and I would always be there for everything!
You are about to have the second most rewarding experience of your life. Keeping a beautiful relationship with your “adult” daughter (let’s be honest, she’s still a baby) and an incredible experience being an involved and loving grandfather.
Unfortunately, you and your girlfriend have instantly and unfortunately become incompatible based on values.
Vera gave you an ultimatim and you didn’t go for it as you are a good father and helping your daughter through this difficult part of her life. Asking her to figure it out at 18 is selfish of Vera. At this point confront Vera and fund out if she’s okay with the arrangement you made with your daughter or if she’s moving out. Maybe she needs some time to reconsider but don’t let it drag out too long.
I guess I missed the part where you asked her to give up her life and raise your daughter’s child. If she does not want to live in the same house as a baby then it is upon her to remove herself from the situation.
NTA
Your girlfriend doesn’t understand that your daughter and soon to be grandchild come first. She’s not a Mom so you need to explain it. With your daughter, you need to set clear expectations. Work, school and most of the time you shouldn’t be the babysitter. She will need to put her boyfriend on child support, not optional. He needs to help raise the baby too. If you do this right, you can have it all.
NTA
I can see your girlfriend’s side of things but she has to understand, when you enter a relationship with someone who has children, they will always come first.
Kudos on your for stepping up and thinking with the right “head” 😂
Say goodbye to this relationship.
NTA, Vera is TA. She sounds selfish. Your daughter and soon to be granddaughter trump your girlfriend. Also she is going to make a shitty “step” grandmother so I think you need to give her the boot.
Your daughter and her bf made their bed and now they need to lay in it. You’re destroying a relationship because your kid made a bad choice. YTA
NTA m
Thank you for supporting your baby
NTA.
You did the right thing, and the most helpful.
Now you need to decide what to do with Vera. If she doesn’t want to be there, she can leave, that’s her choice. But don’t let her threaten it then stomp around the house until she gets her way. Tell her to leave if that’s what she wants to do, then give her a timeline.
NTA but Vera can move out if she’s not okay with the arrangement. Does Vera know where the door is?
Tell her you understand her feeling but she needs to leave if she continues her snippy attitude towards yall. Vera needs to know that your daughter’s home. You’re doing right by your daughter. Good kid dad!
You’re doing right by your daughter. Time for Vera to be on her way
Blood is thicker than water. Your daughter comes first. If your girlfriend can’t be supportive and civil, she needs to go. You are a good dad.
NTA – It sounds to me like Vera thought, or maybe hoped, a relationship with her meant more to you than one with your own daughter and future grandchild. You’ve been extremely gracious given the ultimatum, but why would you even want to stay in a relationship with someone who views your child like that? Or, more importantly, forced you into this position to begin with?
Sounds like the relationship may have run its course and you no longer want the same things.
NTA and while I’m sorry your daughter is dealing with this, seeing Vera’s reaction has been a gift. You’ve seen her mean and selfish streak and she’s made it clear that living in the same house is not an option early on. That’s saved you a lot of trouble down the road. I hope she moves out soon because if she doesn’t, well, just go read a dozen or so JUSTNOMIL entries to see what will happen to your daughter if she doesn’t.
NTAH. You sound like an awesome dad, and you’re doing the right thing. On the flip side, while I think that Vera isn’t wrong for not wanting to be a part of that situation, she doesn’t have the right to demand you abandon your daughter for her. That’s some possessive bs and she’s TAH for that.
Stay the course brother. Best of luck.
Let her and your grandbaby live with you 😀
Bye Vera! I would never choose a 2 yr relationship over my child. How dare she even ask you to consider it.
NTA and good on you for being a good parent, but were I in your partner’s place I would absolutely bail with a quickness. Living with an infant is *hard* and seriously changes someone’s life. If she didn’t sign up for that or expect that since your kid was already an adult and not expected to be pregnant and to move in, then she is also NTA for getting TF out. Life happens and sometimes that means you are no longer compatible, even if you care very much for each other. You are doing good to help and support your kid, but you can’t force your partner into rearranging their life to live with an infant if they aren’t okay with it.
GF gave you an ultimatum – she didn’t follow through. So she’ll need to deal with your daughter and baby.
If not she’ll need to leave.
So Vera wants you to kick your 18yr. old pregnant daughter to the curb. That’s your daughter and grand baby that Vera thinks should be out fending for themselves. Here is what I would do; kick Vera to the curb for even thinking that your pregnant daughter would not be welcome in her own home. It’s Maddy’s home, too, right? In fact, I would have kicked Vera out the first time she suggested that you should kick your daughter out. Poor Maddy. Her mom doesn’t want her. Maddy needs you.
Your daughter is going to need support. She’s a teenager having a baby. And lord knows if her boyfriend will stick around. She’s going to have a rough road ahead of her raising a child and trying to get educated/established. Tell your gf you’ll understand if she leaves but you are not abandoning your daughter. I have an 18 year old. No boyfriend would come above him. Totally sucks for you I get that. But it’s the right thing to do.
NTA
And since Vera is moving out, suggest a long distance relationship with her. Perhaps the other side of the country.
Ah, Vera can leave. The door is right there
NTA
Vera is a 37 yo without kid, so she can move out.
You have a daughter, and your daughter, and now your grandkid, is the main character in here.
NTA Your girlfriend is free to move out.
She didn’t sign up for this? Who asked her to raise the baby? Oh right no one. If she doesn’t want to have to live with a baby she should just say so. I’d think twice about dating someone who demanded I kick my pregnant 18 year old daughter out on the street so she isn’t inconvenienced. Sounds like she’s cut from the same mold as your ex.
Your daughter is pregnant young. she may be a legal adult but she is still your baby. a kid doesn’t stop being your baby just because they turn 18 and Vera needs to understand that. your daughter should always come first and right now, she needs her dad. she sounds like a pretty good kid, wants to step up for her child and still wants to work towards her future. without support, this pregnancy could derail some of those plans. if my child ever came to me needing help, I would 100% help them because i want them to succeed and I agree with your decision completely
I would lose the girlfriend. Thank-you for being an actual parent and supporting your daughter in a difficult time.
Stand by your kid and say goodbye to your bangmaid. It’s very simple.
Circumstances change. NTA.
It’s awesome that you’re stepping up for her and she will be grateful for it and so will her boyfriend and I hope everything works out.
As far as your girlfriend, she doesn’t want kids and she has no kids, but she moved in with you knowing that you have a literal teenage daughter and these things can happen so it’s definitely gonna be Maddie moving in and Vera moving out.
Maybe you guys can keep dating when she doesn’t live there and Vera has every right not to want to be in the house with a kid around. What Vera does not have the right to do is make you choose between her and your daughter.
👋🏼 bye Vera NTA
Nah. I get the gf. She didn’t want kids and now a kid is being thrown into her life. You’re making sure your daughter has the greatest chance at the best life for her and her kid. You simply have competing goals and it’s time to break up. You likely feel the love outweighs the inconveniences due to her being your daughter. GF doesn’t have the relationship or love to be willing to do this with you. It’s fine. It is heartbreaking but will be okay. Your daughter is too young and doesn’t have the resources to do it alone. It would be cruel to expect that. I don’t want kids and wouldn’t date people with kids as this isn’t fair to give any ultimatum. Even when the kid is an adult, they still need you and it’s wonderful you’re there for her.
NTA. While I do understand Vera’s reaction a bit, she has no right to be snippy in your house. Every intelligent adult is aware, if you date someone with children, the children always come first.
You are NTA. You are a great Dad to help out your daughter and grandkid who need you. I can understand your gf being upset, as it’s unexpected and it’s not what she signed up for. But it’s probably best that she moves back out if she’s not happy.