I don’t even recognize myself anymore and losing hope and self confidence.
Ever since my fiancée cheated on me just months after we got engaged, I’ve been a shell of who I used to be. My confidence is gone. I’ve stopped seeing friends, I avoid conversations, and I can’t even imagine trusting someone again, let alone dating. Some people are starting to call me out for how much I’ve shut down emotionally, but I don’t know how else to cope.
We got engaged last Christmas. I spent months planning the proposal, saving for the ring, and creating a moment I thought she would remember forever. She said yes through tears, told me it was perfect, and I truly believed I had found my person.
Then, a few months ago, I found out she had been cheating on me. This wasn’t a drunken one-night stand. It was an ongoing sexual and emotional affair with another man, a doctor. Basically a second relationship, happening while I was working 60-hour weeks and finishing my PhD to support us. She had quit her job to “figure things out,” and I picked up the slack. I handled the bills, the chores, and tried to be emotionally supportive.
When I confronted her, she didn’t deny it. She actually blamed me. Said I was emotionally distant and boring. Meanwhile, I was the one who felt rejected and ignored, especially sexually. I had even curbed my own desires to avoid pressuring her. I’m into light BDSM and roleplay, but she wasn’t, so I let it go to respect her boundaries. I thought that was what good partners did.
I still cooked for her, rubbed her back during her cramps, made playlists when she was feeling down, and cleaned the house without complaint. I was exhausted but I still showed up for her.
But when it all came out, she unloaded on me. She said my face was aging badly. Said I had let myself go. She mocked my family and laughed at trauma I had trusted her with. She called me weak, unattractive, and boring. Then she left.
Since then, she hasn’t said a word. No apology. No closure. Just photos on social media of her at parties and festivals, surrounded by new people, acting like she’s living her best life. It’s like I never mattered. As a 34 male, I cannot match that. Heck, I have no other woman to meet and talk. Please DM me if you can relate or wish to support.
I didn’t retaliate. I didn’t tell mutual friends or go on a rant. I went silent. I haven’t spoken to anyone outside of work in over a month. I’ve been pouring myself into my dissertation, which luckily just landed me a book deal. That’s the only thing keeping me from falling apart.
Now people are saying I’m isolating too much. That I need to process it properly. That I should talk to friends, go to therapy, or start dating again. But I just don’t feel like I can. I’ve lost all trust, all hope, and all sense of self-worth.
AITA for shutting down emotionally and losing my confidence after being cheated on before marriage? Should I be doing more to “bounce back,” or is it okay that I’m still stuck here, just trying to survive?
Comments
You’re not in the wrong. Being betrayed by someone you loved is incredibly painful. It’s natural to withdraw and feel lost after something like that. You gave your all and didn’t deserve to be treated that way. Healing takes time, and there’s no rush to feel okay again. Reaching out, even a little, can help you start moving forward. You’re not broken — you’re just hurt, and that’s something you can recover from.
NTA. She is! A Mariana Trench-deep, Grand Canyon-wide asshole. You would only be the asshole if you stayed with her.
She cheats on you.
She lies to you.
You did not fall in love in just 1 day and you will not feel better after a day either!!!
You WILL heal and get over this! It takes time and there is no timetable for it.
Of course it hurts! You invested yourself in another person, were ready to buildca life with them, and it didn’t happen. That doesn’t mean it was a waste. Part of who we are is whom we have loved. We learn something about life and love with every relationship.
Come visit us on breakups for support
https://www.reddit.com/r/BreakUps/
NtA, it’s never easy to recover from being played.
Ofc you’re not an asshole for shutting down after a life altering betrayal. The people saying you need to talk to friends and a therapist are right. You do need help processing this is in a more healthy way. What she is pursuing is empty and shallow, she will age as well, as people get older party girls become less attractive. What she said to you and how she treated you was nasty. She’s going to go onto treat other people poorly and have shallow relationships. You can go on to heal and be in a healthy relationship.
Don’t let this ridiculous person determine your self-worth.
That’s the same as asking a burglar to determine how worthy someone is whose house they broke into.
What I’m trying to say is that nothing she said or did says anything about you and it does not define you.
If I (a random person from the internet that you never met) say you must be a pink giraffe with golden teeth, that has about as much relevance about who you are as anything she did or said.
Stop following her on social media. Block her there. Looking at what she presents as (social media rarely shows the real picture) will not help you. Don’t give her the satisfaction.
Focus on things you like to do.
Go travel somewhere. Maybe best alone or with someone who doesn’t constantly want you to react or behave in a certain way. Post pictures of some nice places you visit. You don’t always have to go with someone, to do interesting or fun things.
Love, soft as an easy chair
Love, fresh as the morning air….
YTA for blaming yourself.
The reason people cheat is because of something they lack. Not something that you do.
Consider yourself lucky to have dodged that bullet.
NTA, but you need to get counseling so you can process and open friendships back up. Dating is a long way away. There is too much to process now.
My fiancé cheated on me, I forgave her the first time, my mistake for trying to want it to work, she promised to cut it off and didn’t. I didn’t date for about 2 years. It’s a long road to work through.
The blaming and gaslighting are how cheaters deflect and try to justify their scrappy behavior. It has nothing to do with you. Don’t be so hard on yourself. If they want to find someone else, they will not matter how much effort you put in.
Bro, NTA. You’re healing. People who say just move on, act like you didn’t just get wrecked. Focus on you, she ain’t worth the headspace.
NTA, and I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. What she did wasn’t just cheating. She didn’t just fuck someone else, she tore you down to make herself feel less guilty. And now she’s out there pretending she’s thriving? Classic narcissist behavior. You’re allowed to grieve the relationship, you thought you had, and the person you thought she was.
What you’re feeling is a natural response to deep betrayal not weakness. Healing doesn’t come with a deadline, and shutting down isn’t failure. It’s survival.
NTA, obviously, but just because you’re not in the wrong here doesn’t mean that your friends are wrong either.
Get some help, because you need it.
Updateme
NTA, most probable thing? She just made it all up to hurt you as a defense mechanism. But, even in the off case she was saying the truth? Who cares? She is a shallow person.
I’m a man, but believe me when I say most girls would love to have a boyfriend/fiance like you. You didn’t pressure her into doing sex things she wasn’t comfortable with, you held and comforted her during her period cramps, you took al the financial responsibility without complaining.
Dude! You did more than enough! You were great! She is just a narcissist and manipulative bitch. She just took advantage of how good and sweet you were, but believe me, most women would be so grateful for all of that.
It is ok to mourn the loss of the love you had for her. You gave so much, and she spat at your face. Please do not isolate yourseld from friends. True friends are those who support you in difficult times. Do not punish yourself by refusing to enjoy life. Do not be a one-man selfpity party. I know it is so easy, but you owe it to yourself to tell yourself to snap out of it. Feeling sorry for yourself is natural, but selfpity just makes it worse. Nobody likes a bitter person. You don`t like yourself as a bitter person, so please do not allow yourself that. Your ex is a cheat, and a liar. Why did she even stay with you if she thought so little of you? I know why, because she used you. She used you so much, which is absolutely disgusting. Good, honest people do not take advantage of other people. She was not worthy of your love.
Please forgive yourself, and move on. You will not forget, but with time the pain will go away. I actually cannot even remember the surname of the guy who once broke up with me. Truly. It is not because of any mental defect, but because it happened such a long time ago. One day, in the not too distant future, you will suddenly realise you have not thought about your fiancee for a days. Until then, you need to get off your ass, call a friend and keep on keeping on.
She is TA. Not you. Get up and dust yourself off, it’ll get better. It sucks but it will get better. Therapy would be good for you. Congrats on the book deal you gained through your hard work.
Holy shit. She sounds like a horrible person. No communication…no respect…no deep connection to you…no empathy or regret. Go to therapy. Take care of yourself. People who judge you over isolating can rot as well. Say the word if you need to chat. NTA – she is.
What a cnt. Jist saying. Fck her
I am sorry this happened to you.
You will not get an apology. You will not get closure.
What you should get is therapy. Talk to people. Join a gym. Get those endorphins flowing again to help lift you.
She has gone. She is not worth your grief. Reach out to your friends and stop letting her have so much power over you.
NTA
You should definitely seek therapy.
It’s okay to isolate and deal, but you also need to push yourself to start living again.
After a while, you stand a good chance of becoming too comfortable in your isolation. Which may lead you to never recovering.
Don’t waste your life.
NTA, of course NTA!!!! Grief takes time and has no timetable. Take all the time you need, and let people talk, maybe they’d react differently or cut their sadness in a shorter amount of time but it is YOUR grief, and your body and mind will take the time they need to cope and deal with it.
Having that said, I understand how you feel ( I’ve been cheated on in the past), but please do not forget that you are the victim here, not her. I know her way was to reject the fault on you, but you should keep your self resoect : look at it as if it was your best friend telling you everything he did for his girl, and she treated him like that, would you tell him he wasn’t respectful anymore? I don’t think you would. You seem like a good person and did your best for your girlfriend, her bad choices should not reflect on who you are and a cheater certainly does not decrease the human value of who they cheat on.
Take your time, try to find ways to express your grief, and life will give you opportunities to be happy further on the road.
NTA. This is absolutely gut wrenching. Some women don’t realize how good they have. And, women who deserve to experience this kind of love and devotion often don’t.
Even if you don’t feel like getting help, you MUST. It might take awhile to find the right therapist you can vibe with, but again, you MUST. Do not give up on yourself and your life. Do not give her this kind of power. She has already taken so much from you. Do not wait for an apology, it’s never coming. She might circle back when you are back on a horse and dating someone phenomenal, but to get there you gotta choose you, you gotta be defiant. Otherwise, not only you are gonna waste your precious years suffering , you will sabotage every relationship going forward. PS delete her from your socials, it’s unhealthy, and it hinders your healing journey. Trust in karma.
Oh wow, this really sucks. You definitely need someone to talk to, and you’re certainly not an AH. One day you will realise you dodged a bullet, it’s hard to see right now but you really did. This sounds so much like my own story. I was engaged, shift working (I’m an RN) and studying. When I found out a few months before the wedding he was sleeping with my friend it was apparently all my fault, he deserved better, I was boring, not pretty enough blah blah blah. I was crushed. Now, 27yrs later, I’m married to a wonderful man, have awesome sons who have grown into fantastic young men. And where is he….. alone, divorced again, living with his mother whilst he is in his 60s. Over the years he had tried to reconnect and I ignored him. Karma is a beautiful thing. Hang in there.
I did the same, shut myself in for 10 years, tried to dedicate time to hobbies but honestly nothing beats a human connection.
Do yourself a favour and surround yourself with people you trust before you find it hard to socialise, its like a muscle and if you don’t use it, you lose it
You seem to be posting the same variation over and over to different threads. You need therapy and counselling.
YTA if you allow someone who cheats on you make you feel small. The cheater is the deficient one not you. They lack character, honor and morals. She sounds like a gold digger. She’s going for the higher paycheck. Know that the life she is looking at is all about the money and not love. I can see cheating in their future along with the possibility of alcoholism, multiple marriages, messed up kids. The whole bit. You dodged a huge bullet.
Her boyfriend knows he got her through cheating and he knows she will cheat on him because his job will take up his time and energy. Then she will be on the prowl looking for company. Also, think of all those young, cute little nurses throwing themselves at Dr’s. I’ve worked in health care and seen it. If she marries for money she will have to earn every penny.
Now, pick yourself up, stand tall and move on. Mourn the life you planned and make a new plan. There is no hurry. There is someone special out there you just have to open yourself up to the possibility and there is no time limit.
Get out of this relationship. She’s has lighting you. You can’t stay and your future will be hell always wondering what she is doing.
Get out heal and take the time you’re going to need.
Why are you blaming yourself? She is the one to blame. Stand tall and stand firm.
NTA in any possible way.
I know it’s hard when you’re in it, bit the cheating had nothing to do with you.. You could very well be the best looking most fabulous amazing human ever and lying cheating bitch/bastard will still lie and cheat. She is broken. She is cruel. She is truly awful.
Please get some therapy so you can value yourself for everything you have to offer. You sound kind, considerate and a great partner.
NTA, she sounds awful and abusive. You’re not an asshole, you’re doing the best you can with the tools you have. You do need to process, but you also can’t rush healing and it sounds like you may need some outside help to get you started. Try not to hide and push people away as you will end up feeling even more lonely when you come out the other side of this.
By not telling anyone what happened, you’ve closed yourself off from the support system you need. Time to start reaching out. They’re your friends for a reason.
Okaaayy – so have you dumped her? If not you are the AH
Sorry man. YTA. You allowed some woman to betray your feelings and still get a vote in your head for how you should live your life and feel yourself. Basically you are not you becase someone else has to tell you how you should feel and who you are. And more – you for some reason made it about yourself. Time to get some therapy.
You need to visit yer doc, sounds like you’re depressed. The doctor should discuss what to do next. You aint going to heal overnight.
You’ve been fucked over good n propper, and it will take time to heal but seek help as you will recover a lot quicker, than not doing anything
Look at it this way she will never be faithful to you, she too busy scuttling around, if you live together chage the.locks bag.all her stuff up, just chuck it all into black k bags. If it’s her name on the rentbook, then pay up until you move out, same with utility bills. Again, if nowts in your name just walk away, she can find her own way in lofe probably leeching of orhers
Don’t fund her anymore if she asks for money.tell her to ask one of her many suckers she’s shagging.
But don’t forget the health of the most important person in your.post get help before you go too far down the road that leads to depression
You are definitely NOT the AH! I’m not a doctor, but it looks to me that you’re experiencing signs of depression. Breakups are hard. Emotionally and physically. I think you need to get yourself into therapy.
On the other hand, SHE is a horrible bitch! I get that things aren’t working out between you two, but she’s gone out of her way to destroy you. As if cheating on your significant other isn’t bad enough, she’s also attacked your appearance and personality. This says a lot about what type of person she is!!
If you were my child, I would advise you to 1. Go absolutely no contact with that horrible person. 2. Write it out in a journal. Just everything. When you feel like you can’t talk to anyone, just writing out your feelings helps. 3. Take up a hobby that you enjoy. Do things that you have always wanted to do & just never had time to do before. It doesn’t matter what it is. Just something that brings you a bit of joy. Start small with an activity that you can do once a week for 30 minutes and go from there. Finally, #4. Talk to your family and friends. 🧡 These people love you and want to see you happy again.
Best wishes!
~MommaD
She belong to the streets
NTA whatsoever
Run
I’m going to stop you on one point.
You’re talking about how she’s constantly talking up a shitstorm and posting all this dumb crap nobody cares about on the internet, acting like she’s ‘living her best life’, as you put it
But here’s the thing, bub
Nobody who actually has a life- especially one that’s worth a damn- spends 3/4 of it shit bragging online
You know why? Cuz they actually have a fuckin’ life to live and they can’t live it- certainly not to its best- if they’re busy on the internet, trying to convince people that they’re hot shit
Doesn’t really matter whether she’s happy or not- she isn’t, she’s a liar and a dumb bitch- but it’s not your problem either way
I’m not going to tell you that you can’t let her get to you- because why wouldn’t this crap get to you, that shit was disrespectful and she can go to hell for it- but you do need to focus solely on you
Nobody cares about her
You especially need to not care about her- but if it makes you feel better, again, she’s full of shit
Clearly, you’re NTA. She is. But this wallowing is a different type of AH behavior. You’re letting this loser of a woman have power over you and tour life. She clearly didn’t value yours so spit in the face of that and go live yours. Be thankful that all this cane to light BEFORE you actually got married. The universe just threw you a real big gift. Take that gift and move on with your life.
you don’t have to do it all at once, just a little at a time, but start getting out more. Go do shit by yourself, then gradually introduce friends into it. Make new friends. Just get out the damn house and stop feeling sorry for yourself because none of it was your fault.
Therapy, therapy, therapy, therapy, therapy, therapy, therapy.
Don’t bounce back without learning something about your own brain and behaviors through therapy or you’ll pick the same kind of person again, with slight variation, because this is how humans work. The universe will hit you with a brick until you get it, I promise you.
Don’t remain stuck because you’re too stubborn or god knows what to go to therapy.
Don’t post to Reddit because it’s not a replacement for therapy.
Don’t burden random women to provide you with free therapy disguised as dating.
NTA, but therapy, therapy, therapy, therapy, therapy, therapy, therapy.
Hey man, after reading your past posts, including this one, I feel you really need to see a therapist. I’m a 59 year-old male married 35 1/2 years what you’ve experienced is catastrophic, and maybe you cannot solve this in your head by yourself. Find a therapist and just start slow. You have a lot to unpack, but the views you are taking are false. This one woman is the cause of your grief, it’s not you. It’s not your persona. It’s not your habits. It’s not the way you live. She took advantage of you and ruined it. That is all 100% on her. Please get some help, you’ll make it through.
Congratulations on your PhD! In my opinion she was never the person you gave her credit for. Had you seen her true integrity you she would not have had a second date. Take time to heal, that’s healthy. Find someone who treats you the way you treated her. When you think of her and see pics of her, see her for who she REALLY is. Not the person you gave her credit for. Good luck, I’m cheering you on! NTA
Consult a legitimate licensed therapist soon. Random people on reddit can’t help you, and based on what you said you’d benefit from getting help. And your ex is a complete POS.