I come from a very religious Muslim culture where sex before marriage is one of the worst things you can do as a woman, and if known, will get you branded as a h*e by your family and the wider community. It would also be hard to get married within the community bc you would not be seen as marriage material anymore.
A few years before meeting my husband I had a relationship with a man who I thought I would marry. We wanted to wait until marriage but we slipped up, ended up sleeping together a few times and the relationship ended not long after.
When I met my husband, early on, he asked me if I was a virgin and I just automatically said yes because I didn’t want to tell him about my past. I barely knew him at that point and I didn’t want him to spread it around…We come from the same cultural community and if he told other people it could easily get back around to my family. He said he was a virgin himself.
1 year after marrying, our marriage is going well and I am happy. But I do feel guilty about lying sometimes, even though I feel it was necessary..AITAH?
Comments
NTA. In a culture where that truth can get you killed, obviously lie.
NTA. I wouldn’t recommend telling him because it’s not relevant, and it’s likely to make things worse.
Don’t feel guilty though, you’ve done nothing wrong, and being concerned about how others will treat you because of frankly antiquated values is one of the downsides of religion sadly.
nta, you do what makes you comfortable and feel safe
NTA, as someone who grew up Muslim I understand why you lied but it’s sad at the same time.
This is why a lot of Muslim women marry outside of the community in western countries, because its so much easier when you can just be honest with your husband and not subscribe to harmful purity culture
NTA…. You should carry on with this marriage as a liar
There are no issues here. Don’t feel guilty.
Don’t put yourself in danger. What good could come from telling the truth now anyway?
It’s sad, though, that you had to build your marriage on a lie.
This isn’t the right place to ask sister,
You should go to a person of knowledge to take a fatwa from, this is a religious matter.
The short answer is you don’t expose what God Almighty has kept hidden as a merciful act to you, but you have to take a fatwa to get rid of anything that will disturb your future.
That being said, now that you’re married you must know that the punishment for fornication before marriage is lashing, but after being married the punishment for adultery is stoning to death. So, You must protect your marriage with all your heart and exert every effort to be a pious and chaste wife.
May Allah forgive your sins, and make you steadfast in your faith.
Do you think he would leave you?
I hate lying in a relationship but religion fanatics are dangerous.
You are protecting yourself in a repressive culture. Forget about the previous relationship. Go live your life, don’t allow a small error to ruin your future.
YTA.
You know something is important to your future husband and you choose to hide it from him. You make him unable to choose if he is OK to marry a non virgin woman because he doesn’t know the truth. Very irrespectful of his religion and bondaries.
Yta because you know that lying is wrong. If you expect to live your entire life with this person honesty is a must. More then the fact that you were not a virgin the lie is what will hurt him the most
Don’t kick a sleeping dog.
Hi sister, maybe you can ask scholar about it but..
I can’t say what you have done was right (since we know that’s forbidden in Islam)
But, from what i understand, in Islam, you dont have to or even shouldnt tell anyone about your sin and keep it to yourself as long as you sincerely repentance on it.
Check this as reference to get better understanding because i could be wrong: HR. al-Bukhari no. 6069, Muslim no. 299
NTA. You lied to survive a culture that would’ve punished you for the truth. Your past doesn’t define your marriage. Let the guilt go it’s not serving you.
Yall are wrong telling her to lie to her husband, very telling of the types of character , wasnt a mistake she didnt marry the man but now is married and he asked you …if its not make or break of the relationship but know the types of background you can crush him
NTA. Do what you have to do to survive your cultural pressures.
Nothing wrong with feeling guilty as you did make mistake but it was necessary. Better to keep this secret for life.
YTA. Telling that big a lie about such a big topic is horrible.
You have no choice but to continue the lie. And you’d better hope he never finds out and you know why.
YTA. You built a relationship based on lies. Take out the religion aspect, take out family aspect, take out all that and it boils down to “i lied to my husband to get him to marry me.” And if you put it that way, you are the asshole.
sorry hun, unless you want him to divorce you on the spot this is something you need to take to the grave. You have a good life now, the chances are your life will go to absolute rat shit if you tell him is very high.
Girl, its not your fault that your culture places unfair and unreasonable expectations on women. You’re an adult and you are responsible for your wellbeing. Do what is best for YOU.
I would be worried about he and family members may do if they find out. Seeing as you lied and that’s also not okay in the religion. So be careful.
Absolutely YTA. Ironically my answer will get down voted as being an AH answer lol. But you made the decision to have sex before marriage. You were aware of your own customs and expectations.
If you don’t want to subscribe to those beliefs than fine, but let your husband make his own decision regarding whether he wants to be with someone who doesn’t follow their customs.
You aren’t exactly innocent in all this here. Also idk if you actually believe in your religion or not but if you do…you may lie to your husband and will possibly get away with it but God still knows you are lying to your husband.
Also is the man you slept with Dead or incapacitated? Otherwise he could bump into either of you many years from now and if he ever revealed it instead of you
..well much less damage control on your part.
But 99% of redditors are likely going to say NTA as that’s just the culture of reddit. I don’t care about down votes and will speak the truth. YTA
NTA. It’s a stupid sexist rule because when men break them it’s ok for society.
Ask yourself if it was the other way around and he didn’t save himself for marriage, if you would have been upset about it.
Nevertheless it’s your body and your choice of when to loose your virginity. He shouldn’t love you just because of that. And Ofc lying is shit but it was an understandable lie. If you want to keep it to yourself then do that.
As much as I don’t condone lying, this is different. Plus it’s not like you were sleeping around with several guys, so it’s ok, as unfortunately religious beliefs are dangerous, especially if they go fanatical, muslim and christianity are some of the most radical and honesty is not the best policy in these cases…
NTA. And how certain are we that HE’S telling the truth about being a virgin too? For all we know you both lied about it.
NTA, this sounds like it is a necessary lie to ensure your safety.
As a Muslim man, of course you’re the AH, what’s constructed on lies is a lie!!
You made a mistake, take accountability and it’s up to the man to accept it or not. Your best course of action is not posting on Reddit so western women make you feel better, it’s better to go ask a scholar!
I’m usually all about honesty but with complex religion/cultural situations where you could end up dead over it because “honour killing” – absolutely lie. NTA
NTA You are going to be sad when he finds out. The truth always comes out. You will have to deal with the consequences eventually. He might run into your ex someday or find out some other way. If you ask a bunch of sinners if you did wrong they are going to support you. Don’t judge yourself by the upvotes you get on here. You took away his ability to make an informed decision about who he married based on your lies.
No, you have to protect yourself. You can get killed. I would delete this post. I don’t feel safe if he could even get back into your phone or account.
NTA, you have the right to privacy in Islam, you have the right not to disclose. Your past is not of his business. Ask any scholar , they will tell you to keep it to yourself. This is your right.
YTA, your entire marriage is built on a lie. Everyday you are deceiving your husband. Everyone should have a choice, you didn’t allow him to make that choice. You took that away from him.
I do not fault you for what you did before you married him cause that is your decision but I do fault you for lying to your husband.
NTA. I don’t love the idea of lying but I understand why you did it. I would just take this one to the grave.
NTA, your experiences sound minimal, and you obviously still lacked experience you have learnt, mostly with your husband. The only person you will help with a confession is your own conscience butyour physical, mental, and emotional health will be damaged by telling. You are risking your physical and emotional safety.
Imagine also the damage and hurt to your husband. Will your marriage and relationship be helped by confessing?
Go forward and enjoy your happy marriage. What happened was to a different person at that time, grasp your future and be happy.
Take it to your grave, not sure that it will be helpful to your marriage. The downside is greater given culture.
Accept that you made the best decision you could at the time and let it go.
Go to your grave with this and hope the other guy does too!
NTA. In some such communities the truth can get you killed, not free.
The number of people saying NTA is very telling why many have no relationship or marriage to speak of, let alone unable to maintain the one they have.
Regardless of the reason why you lied OP, being dishonest in a marriage is only going to continue to bring guilt, if for some reason you tell him due to that guilt OR he somehow finds out later through other channels, the blow black is going to be even worse
Do what you want with the information but no relationship or marriage should be built on lies.
This is between you and Allah swt. Whatever He hides from the world, don’t open it up. However, you will be held accountable in front of Him for the sin you did before.
NTA not condoning lying to him but this is very serious and can go extremely left. Go live your life sweetheart 🙏🏾❤️
Yes. YTA. Lies make you the AH.
Holy moly reading these comments. You are 100% the ahole. Yoy lied and if you would have told the truth he may have made a different decision. Thats 100% ahole behaviour and you know it is. Why else would you feel guilt? If this was on the male saide these awnsers would 100% be different. The relationship is built on a lie and you care more about you and your reputations more than you do your husband. You also automatically assumed he would ruin your life.
Also a side note. Stop evading responsibility. You didnt slip and fall on a penis and have sex. You made an active decision and evaded consequences (i do not agree with the cultural consequences). You knew it was wrong the first time and still kept doing it. 100% the ahole.
You sold a used car and said it was new.
I understand why you lied, but considering he was a virgin, I think it’s unfair to him. I dont agree with the cultural or religious pressures, but you married under certain terms and expectations, and broke that. NAH because your safety in this instance is more important than telling the truth
Yes. Of course you’re TA. Why do you even need to ask. And you’re a huge one at that.
You are a huge A not for protecting your privacy from a stranger at the time, but for essentially lying to him every second of every minute of every hour of every day since.
What you have done is completely effed up. Why did you allow things to progress to the point of marriage under this false premise? Especially knowing that he would not have decided to move forward with marrying you if he had known. Crazy.
Lots of us will take shit to our grave. If you’re happy, don’t tell him NTA
NTA. Keep lying, and repress any confessional urges. You know exactly what will happen if you tell him; you’ll be ruining your marriage and life over nothing (and he likely has an unspoken past as well). It’s irrelevant at this point, but as long as you’re in that culture, you’re not in a safe position to be honest.