Recently I was at my MILs house for our weekly Sunday dinner. My husband 31m and I 29f have been together for ten years. I have known his family for a long time.
I have always been someone that is very health and fitness focused. I had a minor knee injury at work last year, and I am finally back to normal. I gained about 25lbs in that time due to not being able to workout and struggling to adjust to needing to eat less calories. I am currently 5’8, 175lbs. I am now trying to go back to my normal 150, which is ideal for the frame/build that I have. I monitor my calories and workouts daily to ensure that I’m in a deficit. How many calories I eat in a day depends on how active I am.
At dinner I focused on eating the protein and vegetables. My MIL and sil commented on how I skipped the mashed potato’s, which I normally love and eat a lot of. I told them it’s just not a potato kind of day.
Side note, everyone in my husbands family is obese, except him. MIL and sil have always commented on my weight, and have called me skinny. The reality is that I’m just a healthy weight, and I know they’re both very insecure about their own weights. They’re both over 300 lbs. They both try fad diets occasionally and fail.
I didn’t want to mention that I’m on a diet because I know they’ll give me shit for it, or be upset. They’re both very touchy on the subject of weight.
After dinner, MIL brought out a cake that she worked hard to make. She tried to cut me a piece, and I told her that while it looks great, I’m very full and I’ll just steal a bite of husbands cake. I don’t want a full slice to myself. The reality is I was already over my calorie limit for the day, really didn’t want to go any further. But I was willing to eat a bite of his to make her happy, and to say that I wanted to at least try it. She insisted I eat a full piece, and wasn’t taking no for an answer.
I told her I could take a piece to go and eat it later if she really wanted (I would’ve just gave it to my husband later tbh). But she told me to sit down and eat a piece of cake. At this point I was tired of fighting with her, and told her I’m trying to lose some weight and I really don’t want any cake.
She lost her shit. She said that I just think she’s gross for eating cake when she’s so fat. Really, I think she was just projecting tbh. Nothing I said would imply that. She then started full on bawling about how she’s so fat, and I think I’m better than her. FIL kicked us out, and blamed me for making MIL cry. SIL told me I should’ve just eaten the fucking cake, or lied and said I wasn’t feeling well.
Husband is the only one on my side, and he told his family that MIL is mentally unwell and needs some help, and he’ll be waiting for MiL to apologize for lashing out at me over nothing, and not to contact us otherwise.
AITAH?
Comments
NTA how many times did you decline? 2 times is 1 to many.
NTA. No one should make you feel like you HAVE to eat something like that… She crossed your boundaries. You didn’t even owe it to her to taste it, but you were willing to. Your husband is on your side. That’s the big things that matters. Your husband’s family (minus him of course) are acting irrational at you not eating dessert. They need to focus on themselves and not what you are or are not eating. I wish you luck, OP. You did nothing wrong.
NTA. Your an adult. You can choose what you eat. No one has the right to force feed you for any reason. If this is their reaponse to you not eating cake, you need to go little to no contact. Your husband sounds like he’s had it with them too and will support that.
You being thin compared to them makes them feel bad. You hold a mirror to their obesity so to eradicate that they need you to be just like them. Tough crap they chose to be how they are and so did you, not your fault if it doesn’t suit them.
NTA. I feel your pain. It’s none of her or anyone else’s business what you put on your plate or how you choose to feed your body.
I have dietary restrictions because of an invisible illness (autoimmune). At every single family get together one person kept mocking me. One Christmas I had enough. I didn’t say much at the table. I waited a few days before I messaged my SIL to ask her to quit making comments about what I eat. I did not expect the shit storm that followed. I ended up taking a 1 year break from family gatherings, but she wouldn’t let it go. I never received or expect an apology. This week was the first time in nearly 7 years that she was willing to sit at the same table as me. Fortunately my hubby 1000% has my back.
Decided what is acceptable to you. Inform those who need to know what your boundaries are and walk away from the drama, disrespect, and shaming
NTA, no is a complete sentence, and she shouldn’t have kept pushing.
NTA – your husband’s response was perfect. MIL wouldn’t accept your polite answer and then melted down when you were honest. She’s obviously projecting her massive insecurities onto you and it was completely innapropriate of her to act that way.
Absolutely NTA. You did everything possible NOT to be the A here in fact.
Your MIL is projecting and she’s being pandered to by FIL and SIL. Their body, their choice and your body, your choice.
If your inlaws are going to continue to put words in your mouth and treat you with blatant disrespect when it comes to food, but you don’t want to go LC/NC, then at least remove yourselves from any food based events.
Her issues are hers, not yours. Do not let her treat you like this
NTA – you said you were full. Honestly, saying no thank you is enough. It’s not rude at all to not want to eat dessert after a full meal when you respectfully turned it down.
NTA. Your husband is on your side! Yay!
You declined to eat the cake. She did not need any further explanation. How dare she demand you eat the cake in front of her. That is gross and abusive. When I go to family gatherings on my husband’s side of the family, I don’t eat any food. I am very particular and eat organic/non-gmo mostly. I’m neurodivergent and I notice this emphasis on “everybody-must-eat-the-food-or-else” with society-at-large.
NTA at all not even in the slightest but for sure the in laws are. You trying to be healthy has nothing to do with them. I had a similar problem over Christmas bc I wouldn’t eat any of the desserts or alcohol bc I too was dieting. Not only was I trying to lose weight but I had to redo some bloodwork to check for diabetes and didn’t want any chance of extra sweets messing it up. I was given so much hell and put under so much pressure. It’s absolutely wild how much emphasis people put on food
Nta. I ALWAYS use the sharing excuse. Mostly because I’m picky af and don’t wanna commit to a huge piece if I don’t like it but I have never had any one continue to push. My husband automatically shares with me now. Mil was out of line.
You need your husband to tell her to never push you on eating food again. She can offer once and if you decline accept it. If she had just stopped pushing, this would not have happened. This is your MIL’s problem, not yours. See if he one on one can get through to her.
NTA.
I gave up sugar YEARS ago when some blood work came back wonky in my early 20s. It took my mom a literal decade before she stopped offering dessert and being a TAD bit pushy about it. I just went no, I don’t eat that. No I don’t eat that.. broken record style.
You can’t make anyone feel any way. You make choices and they have responses. You get to congratulate her and decline the cake. She gets to be fragile or not.
NTA. She tried pushing past your boundaries by practically forcing you to eat the cake. She is the type who won’t be happy until you’re as miserable and overweight as she is.
Absolutely NTA. I grew up with an Italian mother that was always trying to shove food down my throat. It is definitely a sign of mental illness when someone can’t respect another persons decision to decline food. My brother is obese because of her behavior, I am not because I’m a stubborn bitch and just filled my pockets with food. Don’t ever let anyone try and control you. It’s their problem, not yours.
My sister is very weight conscious to the point if not even eating a bite of cake from her kids or even her own birthday cake. Any occasion she’s offered a piece she says “not for me” or something along that lines and the usual answer from whoever serving the cake is “ok, who else wants cake?” Not freaking out because she doesn’t want cake. Meanwhile I’m overweight thanks to medical condition and medication and working hard to lose the weight I’ve put on and no one evens blinks if I have cake because they know, from previous discussions, that I’ve worked that bit of cake into my calorie count for the week. (My nutritionist is big on no bad foods but portion control is the important factor)
You in laws need therapy and you and your hubby need to go LC or NC.
NTA
People like that want everyone around them to be the same so they don’t feel singled out.
Her issues are her own and to try and force you to eat when you’ve already declined is just below the belt. Moving forward is be keeping some space between you and them.
Stop going to their house to eat.
NTA
NTA I’m going to be visiting family soon. I’m down 110 pounds and I’ve cut out things like baked goods but my family knows I have a sweet tooth. I’m already being told they’re making cake and such and I am going to have to refuse. I do eat some sweets but I had a binging problem especially with baked goods. I’ve been trying to tell them not to go through the trouble but they say I can have a little bit.
Definitely.
But, I read something years ago by a woman from a culture where if you are offered something you were obligated to politely decline. Then they offer it again and you politely decline. Then when they offer again, you graciously accept. She said she was somewhere when someone offered her something she really wanted. Might have been some sort of dessert or treat. She politely declined, the person asked if she was sure, and she said yes. Then the person moved on and didn’t offer again and she was so upset that it wasn’t offered again for her to accept. Different culture I guess.
NTA. You nailed it when you said she was projecting her weight insecurity on you.
She can justify being heavy by surrounding herself with heavier people. You are threatening her because you are reminding her that she is not living a healthy lifestyle.
I don’t call it a diet, I call it a meal plan or a new lifestyle.
I count my calories using an app. I know what works and I know what doesn’t. My mom was always pushing me to eat more despite the fact that I’m morbidly obese.
Once I started showing some weight loss and telling her about it, she became much more supportive. When we go out to eat, we’re much more likely to share a meal, and she’ll order a dessert and I will have one bite.
I’m glad your husband/partner is on your side, and that you’re not taking all of this personally. You really had no win here.
The only thing I can suggest is a quiet, gentle refusal of extra food. Repeat as necessary; do not get angry and do not antagonize anyone. Just be firm and be consistent. No explanations necessary.
Best of luck on your journey!
NTA. You aren’t responsible for her insecurities and she was in the wrong for trying to force you to eat cake. You told her multiple times you didn’t want any and even offered to take a slice home. She was way out of line to demand you eat it right then and there. Tbh I wouldn’t even go over there for meals anymore until she got some professional help. Her reaction was not normal.
You don’t deserve to be treated like that by anyone, especially family. Your MIL was way out of line.
Your MIL’s issues with her body and weight are her issues. They aren’t your fault.
You didn’t want the cake. For whatever reason, you just didn’t want it. She was a huge jerk for forcing it on you, and not wanting it was not telling her that she was fat.
She is jealous that you are thin and she wants to make you gain weight so she’ll feel better about herself.
Don’t go for any more family dinners there. And don’t have them over to your house, because if you cook something healthy and lower calorie, she will accuse you of trying to feed her rabbit food because you think she’s fat. You can’t win with this one.
If you don’t want the cake it’s because you don’t want the cake. So don’t eat the cake.
Updateme!
NTA – That’s on her if she wants to continue to be a fatty. Not your problem, you already told her you were full, but she continued to harass you. You had to tell her in a way she understood.
Speaking as a person who’s been obese almost her entire life, was very insecure about it until I hit about 30- I never once remember making someone feel bad because they weren’t eating the same things I was, or because they were skinnier than me. Your mother-in-law was way out of bounds, and your father-in-law and your sister-in-law are just enabling her bad behavior. NTA. Really glad your husband is on your side.
NTA. You’re doing what MIL & SIL can do, but won’t. They’re jealous. You didn’t do or say anything wrong.
NTA. You didn’t make her feel insecure, her emotions are hers to manage. She offered you a slice of cake. You said you’d taste your husband’s serving. She insisted you eat a full slice. You suggested taking your slice home. She told you TO SIT DOWN AND EAT A PIECE OF CAKE. She was choosing not to listen to you and MAKE you eat her cake. Which is ridiculously controlling and unhinged behavior. Your comments show that you’re very considerate of your MIL and don’t want to cause any problems. Thing is – YOU are not. Follow your husband’s lead. He grew up with this woman and knows exactly how she is. It’s great that he’s supporting you and expecting his family to respect you. If he wants a break from the family, go with it. MIL has some major issues she needs to work on. It’s no one else’s responsibility but her own.
Maybe not the asshole, but definitely need a lesson in graciousness. You could’ve let her cut you up piece. Nibble a few bites while conversation was being made; and with no attention drawn towards yourself. At the end of coffee and cake you could’ve easily asked for a paper plate and some saran wrap to take this home with you so that you could finish it later when you weren’t so full.
Yes, I’m sure at 300 pounds. They definitely have their own issues to work through, but you are not helping the situation by being a fitness snob. They are your family and deliberately inflicting pain isn’t a loving thing to do.
NTA. You told her you didn’t want any cake. You are trying to be healthy. They obviously are not. Not your problem. Kudos to your husband for sticking up for you.
Look, I am a southern woman who loves to see people enjoy my cooking. If I were to offer a piece of cake to you and you say, “no thank you.” I would then probably ask if you would like me to wrap you up a piece for later. If again you said, “no thank you,” that would be the end of the discussion because, “No,” is absolutely a complete sentence.