AITA
For context, my partner retired from the military after 20 years of insanely impressive service. I am still active duty with about 10 years in. We are both divorced and have children. My children are school aged and I am the primary parent. His children are in middle school/ high school and their mother is their Primary parent. We met at his last duty station and then began a relationship. He was living in that area for 6 years while he coparented with his ex. He has always been a dedicated father, provides above and beyond financially, and had 50/50 custody.
He always hated it there for many reasons, such as the cost of living being so high and there is not much to do, but he stayed there because that is where his children are located. Now that he is retired, the location is even worse due to lack of job opportunity and because it is too expensive to live there on a fixed income.
We have been together for a while and are fairly certain about eventually getting married. Since I am still active duty, I received orders to move to a new base that is 7 hrs away driving distance. This is not optional for me. When faced with the choice to stay in the area or move with me to my new base, he chose to move with me.
His new schedule is every other Thanksgiving, half of Christmas break, every spring break, and 6 weeks in the summer. In addition to that, he goes up one weekend a month to visit his children and speaks to them as much as they would like.
Before the move, his children, my children, and us all got along. Now, his ex is furious and constantly tells him and his children that he abandoned them to “raise [my] children”. His daughter has begun parroting this kind of talk as well. This is not true. My children have a father. Although they miss him, they are confident in their relationship with him even with a geographical separation.
Regardless if it’s true or not, it hurts him deeply.
So is he the AH for moving away? AITAH for letting him?
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AITA
For context, my partner retired from the military after 20 years of insanely impressive service. I am still active duty with about 10 years in. We are both divorced and have children. My children are school aged and I am the primary parent. His children are in middle school/ high school and their mother is their Primary parent. We met at his last duty station and then began a relationship. He was living in that area for 6 years while he coparented with his ex. He has always been a dedicated father, provides above and beyond financially, and had 50/50 custody.
He always hated it there for many reasons, such as the cost of living being so high and there is not much to do, but he stayed there because that is where his children are located. Now that he is retired, the location is even worse due to lack of job opportunity and because it is too expensive to live there on a fixed income.
We have been together for a while and are fairly certain about eventually getting married. Since I am still active duty, I received orders to move to a new base that is 7 hrs away driving distance. This is not optional for me. When faced with the choice to stay in the area or move with me to my new base, he chose to move with me.
His new schedule is every other Thanksgiving, half of Christmas break, every spring break, and 6 weeks in the summer. In addition to that, he goes up one weekend a month to visit his children and speaks to them as much as they would like.
Before the move, his children, my children, and us all got along. Now, his ex is furious and constantly tells him and his children that he abandoned them to “raise [my] children”. His daughter has begun parroting this kind of talk as well. This is not true. My children have a father. Although they miss him, they are confident in their relationship with him even with a geographical separation.
Regardless if it’s true or not, it hurts him deeply.
So is he the AH for moving away? AITAH for letting him?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I believe I might be the AH for asking my partner to move with me when I knew he had children who could not follow. I was forced to leave but having him accompany me might make me the asshole
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. As the son of former Navy parents who got divorced (both of them served), the only asshole here is his ex. He’s doing his best given the circumstances, still going above and beyond by your description, and his ex is poisoning their children against him.
I would advise both of you to continue doing what you’ve been doing. Consistency will win the day. The daughter they share might take awhile to come around, but eventually she will see that neither of you have changed.
Info: how do you know the daughter is parroting this and doesn’t legitimately feel this way?
As a parent I find his decision incomprehensible. I understand that the kids and their mom feel abandoned and are angry. As a parent I would have never ever left my minor kids behind. How actively did he involve his kids and their mom in his decision? Did they agree at the time and change their minds or did he just leave them with their mom without as much as an agreement on the matter?
NTA. There’s nothing stopping HER from moving closer to HIM.
You’re NTA because you had to move.
Your partner…I think it’s a bit different. He went from being an active co-parent to living 7 hours away. He now sees his kids once a month.
I don’t think his ex is an AH for being hacked off about this. His choice impacts her.
What she’s saying probably isn’t helping his relationship with his kids, and I do think she needs to cut that out, but when it comes down to it, he chose to move with you over seeing his kids as regularly. They don’t need their mother to point this fact out to them; they will have noticed that they now only see him once a month.
You’re not the asshole, but he definitely is. Yes, he abandoned his children.
You are nta but your bf is and his other family is justified to feel the way that they feel. Actually, you’re a little bit of TA too for saying his kids are parroting their mom’s feelings about their dad moving away and implying they have no reason to feel the way that they do.
He is the AH.
He’s made the choice to move away from his kids. His ex has gone from 50:50 co-parenting to the one responsible for the majority of the childcare.
He may not be raising your kids, but he is choosing your relationship over being around his children. His ex and the kids have every right to be furious with him.
On your kids:
‘Although they miss him, they are confident in their relationship with him even with a geographical separation.’
This isn’t about ‘confidence’ and I find this a really tacky way to try to justify what your boyf is doing.
With all the people saying he is the AH he really isn’t. He doesn’t have job opportunities in the area and it’s expensive. Why shouldn’t he move. If it’s cheaper in the new area he might be able to provide more financial support this way. His ex is just mad now because she doesn’t get the 50/50 custody time. Can we say jelly!!!!
NTA for following your orders. But the way you wrote this makes it sound like you two sat down and built a defense case for why he’s “right” to move away, while pinning every bit of anger on the mom. Of course she’s upset, and of course the kids are going to feel abandoned… That’s not just “parroting,” that’s a natural reaction when their dad goes from 50/50 to holidays and breaks.
This situation is tacky and I think a whole lot of this depends on the fact that how your boyfriend has talked about this situation to his ex and Iif he hasn’t communicated that well then his ex and children’s reaction is acceptable because they have to face and do a lot of things alone on daily basis without their dad around
NTA. To my understanding you receive orders you follow them. Thats the nature of military families.
He’s a bit of an AH for moving. Long distance parenting is not the same as regularly seeing your children. Ideally he would have stuck ot out until they graduated high school. I understand he had other reasons to want to leave the area but in my opinion staying close to your children trumps that other stuff. It’s pretty normal that they would resent you as he is essentially choosing staying near you as opposed to them.
He’s an AH
There’s a real difference in the life of his ex wife and his children to go from equal parenting to one weekend a month fun dad.
I couldn’t be with a person that picked me other their kids.