Please be nice, I know I’ve made mistakes in the past but I’m doing the best for my son. I’m about to turn 20, and my boyfriend (22) and I live with our three year old son at his parents’ (late 40s) along with his sister who’s 19. My parents are fin but they are Christian and didn’t let me boyfriend live with them since we aren’t married, and my boyfriend hated missing time with our son. Then his mom lost her job 2 years ago and they were unable to pay their mortgage, so they said we could live with them if we paid $500 rent and the utilities which can be anywhere from $200-400 a month. And this is not money they’re secretly hiding for us to move out, his mom still hasn’t found a job.
Living here is hell. They are honestly verbally and emotionally abusive to us. His mom calls me easy, his dad tells us every day we’re losers, and they constantly threaten to kick us out if our son does normal things like has meltdowns for even just two minutes. Even though we pay them, our son doesn’t have a room because after she lost her job his mom wanted a craft room. I know it’s their house but I hate walking on eggshells and my son is getting older and understanding more, I can’t have him grow up like this.
Luckily my boyfriend just graduated and found a good job. We had another stroke of luck and my uncle is moving to Hawaii (swoon) but keeping his house here. He knows we’re clean, don’t drink or do drugs, and struggling and he’s put together a lease for us to live there and when he visits he can stay in his basement (which is still nice!!). I cried for hours when he offered this to us, he doesn’t have kids and doesn’t want them and I told him I will make this up one day if it’s the last thing I do. It’s a five bedroom and my bf’s sister asked if she could live there as well. While his parents have never once helped with our son, she has been such an angel and another person who I will one day make all this up to. Of course we said yes but we do want to draw up expectations like she needs her free time (she’s in hair school) and I don’t want her to ever think we’re taking advantage of her.
My bf told his parents and they lost their minds. I know they’ll be losing rent from us and his sister, but this is not a good environment for our son. They say that we are abandoning them and being ungrateful. But this is just too good of an opportunity to pass up – are the assholes for leaving? They might struggle without us.
Comments
NTA
Move out and when they bad mouth you, just remind them (nicely) ofall the times the Mom called you a loser or the Dad called you losers.
Also tell them it will be easier for them as they won’t have to have a toddler doing toddler things whichg clearly annoy them.
Don’t forget to leave the keys and close the door on the way out.
NTA-you aren’t abandoning them, you are two young adults looking to start your life together as a family with your son. Which is exactly what you should be doing.
If they are concerned about struggling after you leave, she can go get a job. They never should have been relying on you to cover any bills to begin with. They can think about what losers you are when they are sitting there wondering how they are going to pay their bills.
NTA, especially if they’re threatening to kick you out.
So, preemptively take them up on their offer.
And with your Uncle offering his house, opportunities like those don’t come every day.
You do what you KNOW is right for your family.
NTA. If they didn’t want to be abandoned then maybe they shouldn’t have treated you like shit. Also, if it’s been 2 years then the only reason she hasn’t found a job is because she doesn’t want to.
Move out. For sure. Because of their disrespect. The only mistake was telling them anything before it was actually done.
NTA, but even if you are the asshole, don’t pass up on this, be the asshole if you have to. This is for your son and your family.
NTA. Lmao move on girl.
NTA. Move out and don’t look back.
Get out of there! NTA. Nice work finding a way to save the sister too
NTA at all
Your son deserves a healthy space to grow up and he can’t get it in his grandparent’s house. Too much drama
If they weren’t that bad, their own daughter will also stay. But it’s not the case
They are adults. Instead of a crafting room, his mom should have been more worried about getting a job and not living off her kids when she’s capable of working herself. And the meanness toward someone who is paying your bills is disgusting. You don’t owe them anything, and you need to protect your son from the abuse. His parents dug their own hole on this one.
NTA. A toxic environment is terrible for your son. They may struggle, yes, but even if they do, that is on them. They have had time to find jobs.
NTA Your boyfriend’s parents are abusive. Get away from them. God bless your uncle. Please take advantage of this really good opportunity to live a happy life.
You are NTA. I hope you both consider some counseling. You should know leaving an abusive situation is not making you an AH. You need to heal from this and be able to set boundaries not to mention decide if any contact with people like that is appropriate. Take care of yourselves and enjoy peace.
Go, run for your sanity sake and enjoy your new life. They are clearly using you as a cash cow
NTA. Too bad for the parents. They are abusive to you guys. This is now a them problem. They are adults they can figure it out.
Perhaps if they’d treated you all better, they wouldn’t be having this problem. This is their chickens coming home to roost.
P.S. Their behaviour doesn’t sound very Christian of them.
Nope fuck them. They sound awful.
NTA – At the end of the day, you need to do what is best for your family. That is you, your BF, and your son. And the best thing for your son is to grow up in a loving and supportive environment with his own room.
Do not let your MIL and FIL guilt you into staying. If your MIL is actually trying to get a job and simply cannot, they might need to downsize into a smaller home that they can afford on their own. It is not reasonable for them to expect their children to live with them forever and help contribute to their rent. It might be good to remind them that you moved in 2 years ago so that YOU could help THEM. I’m not sure what you’re supposed to be grateful for. I mean, it’s been TWO YEARS. They are the ones who should be grateful.
On a separate note, if you and your BF are planning to get married, I would encourage you two to go ahead and do that because there are a lot of benefits that come from being married. Plus, your family would (hopefully) start being supportive. You can always go to the courthouse and do it legally, and then have a wedding later if you want to.
NTA. You all need to get out of that horrible environment. It is not your responsibility to maintain BFs horrible parents. They can take in a renter or sell the house. Getout of there asap!
Make sure they never come over to uncle’s house. Line if you ever de use to meet up with them it is in public or their house. If there is a way to hide address do it. Make sure to get cameras and always lock doors. Once they realize you all are serious about moving out they are going to either sabotage you or say you owe them and try to move in with you.
You, bf, and SIL need to grey rock the crap out them. Go low to no contact and tell them nothing.
NTA.
First, you are adults and expected to leave home at some point, so his parents shouldn’t be relying on you two, period. Yes family helps when they can, but you don’t raise children so they can pay your rent.
Second, you don’t owe them this. When I say “family helps” it means when there is a good, loving dynamic. That doesn’t exist here, and so you don’t owe them anything and you need to get out of there.
Third, staying created a toxic environment for your child, and the universe has created an opportunity and you need to take it.
Finally, protect yourself. You need a clear lease with his sister, even if she is amazing and get in writing expectations around cleaning, child care, quiet hours, etc. Have a clear lease with your uncle too, and get in writing expectations like who is responsible for repairs (minor could be you, major could be him for awhile) and things like redecorating, painting, etc.
You also need clear boundaries with both your husband and sister around access to the house. His parents NEVER get a key, they cannot stay overnight, or they can but it needs to be discussed before it is offered and can only be for X nights. His parents can NEVER move in, be maybe even have your uncle put that in the lease to protect you. Your husband and his sister have been abused, and they will probably be guilted many times by their parents, and you have to protect your child and the freedom you are getting. So NOT, no matter how much you love your husband and sister, let them guilt or bully you into letting their parents into your home. They will not leave and all the work you did to get free will be ruined, so do the hard work of setting boundaries with everyone now.
NTA. The only reason you put up with their verbal and emotional abuse was because you had no choice. You were their cash cow and they treated you poorly. They get what they deserve by finding a better opportunity without any of their negativity. I have a feeling your rent gave his mother a reason not to find a job, so do not feel bad that she needs to work.
NTA. His parents, like so many other people, forgot that you don’t bite the hand that feeds you. They treat you horribly while you’re doing them a favor. Oh no, consequences.
Dont worry – they will figure it out and the mom will get a job – its not that hard for a functioning adult to make 1k a month.
The longer you stay the longer you enable them at your own expense
You paid rent and utilities but never got any of the privileges from that! Your son should have had his own space to be a little boy at least! What terrible landlords let alone grandparents 😒 so NTA but they sure are!
That’s really nice of your uncle too let you stay at his place
You don’t need to stay in a hostile place and the beauty of it your son is going to have a room to himself
That’s awesome
Sounds like his parents need to go back to work. You weren’t going to live with them forever, they should have expected this at some point. You also need to figure out your long-term plans to becoming independent.
NTA
they are AH for abusing you and your family of 3! Why must you feel bad when they are taking money from you to live in the house and holding that over you like the did you a favor?
NTA RUUUUUNNNN , your an adult with a child and last thing I’m sure you want him to learn his how to take abuse from family… don’t apologize for being young and messing up that’s life but now it’s time to put yourself and your child first congrats and good luck on this next time … also don’t let them guilt you and or try to live in your uncles house or mess up this opportunity
NTA. You can tell those people that gratitude comes from acts of kindness. Charging someone rent and treating them like second-class citizens does not make anyone feel grateful.
NTA
It’s not your job to subsidize people who are abusive. If they didn’t want you to leave they shouldn’t have treated you like absolute shit
Nta
She lost her job and you pay rent and she treats you like crap? Yup!! It’s time to leave and if the sister is good and helpful she can come too. NTA.
Mom should have realized not to bite the hand that feeds her.
I’m sure for your uncle as long as you pay what you should and keep the house in good condition things will be fine.
Good luck!!
NTA. Being around emotional and verbal abuse isn’t good for you or your son. The child’s needs must be the priority.
NTA, you need to do what’s best for you and your son (your BF too.) Sounds like a great chance to move on with your lives.
NTA Let them deal with their own reality. That they are not happy for you says it all. I’d not only move out, but go NC. You don’t need that drama and negativity around your child, or yourselves!
NTA- Get out of there. If they were concerned with your sons well being or treated you well and were grateful to have you contribute it would be one thing. The way they treat you? They do not care how the environment they have created and have you stuck in is affecting your toddler, why should you worry about leaving them to struggle in a mess of their own making?
NTA,
It has been 2 years since she became unemployed. Mother obviously has not put any effort into finding a new job or upgrading her workforce skills. That’s on her, not you.
She treated you, your partner, and your child poorly. That is also on her, not you.
What IS on you is to provide the best and most nurturing environment you can for your little family – ESPECIALLY your son.
Take the offer from your uncle. It sounds like a wonderful opportunity for your new-grad husband to establish himself in his career. Meanwhile, start thinking about upgrading your skills/education too. Uncle probably won’t keep the house forever, but this is an amazing opportunity for you all now.
Mother is about to learn you cant keep beating the cash cow and still expect to get milk.
Make SUPER sure they don’t end up getting keys to the house you’re moving into. I know you won’t give them keys, but you don’t know how sneaky they might be. Maybe consider digital locks so you can change the code if you need to.
This is such a great break you’re getting from your uncle! Good luck to you!!
Definitely NTA. But beware, I fully expect the parents to show up demanding to move in until they ‘get on their feet’ and you owe them.
NTA, his mom made a craft room instead of getting a job and instead of giving it tom your son who virtue of you is paying rent.
This is sort of classic behavior… they resent the fact that you’re in their house and taking up room, but I don’t realize if they make it so awful that you’ll leave and they’ll get no rent.
“ wow… given that you call us losers I thought you would be happy that we found our own place to live and now you’ll have room for two craft rooms. You won’t have to hear the baby crying at all.”
NTA – but I have to ask. At the beginning you say our BF and your parents won’t allow you to live with them because you aren’t married. Yet, later you call him your husband. Which is it? Then later BF.
NTA – you can’t allow the child to be raised in that environment. The sister is jumping ship also.
Yes, they are going to struggle. Mom may need to get a job, any job. They may need to get second jobs in order to keep the house. Crafting is expensive, but a fun project. She will need to put that aside for a while until she can either sell some of her crafts or she has the money to fund it.
Did you agree this would be a permanent situation? Did they assume it would be permanent? Did they not think the threats of kicking you out would cause you to get out? Did they figure you were so grateful to pay A minimum of $700 a month for one room that you would stay?
NTA – please leave that toxic home and Move to your uncle‘s house!
All the Best for you four!
If your partner’s parents have been calling you ‘losers’, they should be delighted that you’ve turned things around and are in a better position. They’re not delighted because they’ve been living off you and the gravy train has stopped. Move out and blossom.
NTA you are paying for them to keep their house and they are giving you a hard time. It’s not like they are doing you a big favor. You are paying your own way. Your uncle is a good man. And hope all this works out for you.
NTA.
Calling you losers but needing same said losers to subsidise their old arses?!
Who’s the actual loser here?
A craft room when you basically need to craft yourself a damn job.
Leave that toxic mess to it and don’t give them your address, tell the sister too!
They’ll likely be foreclosed on and expect to live in your uncles house for free.
Nta they don’t get to abuse you and use you as a cash cow. They can go find a job and take care of themselves since they saw it appropriate to 💩 where they eat. They did this to themselves.
NTA the environment/situation would have been manageable if they weren’t rude.
No, ntah. Your child needs a warm, loving and stable home. Move out like Jagger and be happy. You deserve it!
NTAH.
It’s not a matter of being ungrateful or abandoning BF’s parents.
It’s a matter of maturing, taking personal responsibility, building an independent life. All things you are supposed to do. All things that parents should want for their kids.
If you can move today, move today. Pack up and GO. If you cannot move into Uncle’s house until a certain date that he has given you, don’t discuss it with BF’s parents. Just drop the subject like it’s forgotten—but hold to your resolve and go as soon as possible. And no dragging things out by leaving some things behind to pick up later.
If BF’s parents pull out the ungrateful card as you leave, use your calmest and most adult voice, “We appreciate everything you have done for us. Thank you for helping us get our feet under us. Now we are prepared to leave the nest, which is right and best for all of us.”
Go. And make every effort to live within your financial means, seek the advice of successful trustworthy adults when you need it, continue to love and support each other — be sure you never have to go back.
NTA, just make sure it’s ok with your uncle that the sister lives in his house too, if you haven’t already asked.
Run away from them fast
The natural order of things is for the older generation to help the younger generations get on their feet, as your uncle is doing. Not dump the burden of paying their own rent and utilities on a teen mom, which you were, and a kid still in school. And then verbally abuse you. Maybe this will motivate her to stop beadazzling the curtains and get a job.
You need more space as a family and more privacy. Simple as that.
nta do what’s best for your little family
NTA. They want your money but decided you will also be their punching bag. They have no gratitude. Move out and move on.
NTA. I would’ve been gone long ago. I’m not going to live and pay rent somewhere with abusive people like that. I’d live in my car first.
$10 says they’ll be asking to move in, too!
You need to take care of your own little family. You are in a bad environment and his parents are making it bad.
Move as soon as you can. NTA
NTA, not at all. They treat you like crap and now they are reaping the rewards.
If they need help with the bills, they can rent to someone else.
Do the best for your kid, you are right taking him out of that environment.
You two are looking out for your family. That’s all that matters. His family needs to figure out a way now.
If they’re that abusive, it’s not a far stretch to assume they more than likely were only using you for rent/utilities so she didn’t have to work at all.
They’re in the 40’s. Perfectly capable of taking care of themselves.
You have to make damn sure that they don’t try weaseling their way into your uncles place now.
No! You are allowed to leave any toxic situation, or cut contact with any toxic people. You don’t want your child growing up in a home where he doesn’t have his own space, isn’t free to express his emotions, isn’t allowed to be loud,or has to hear his mom being called names or his parents talked down too in any way. Do what’s best for your child and they are adults they will have to either figure out how to be kinder to you guys later on or get working faster. It’s not your responsibility.
NTA.
Tenants don’t “abandon” their landlord, they simply move out.
His mom can get a job. They are taking advantage of you. Leave and don’t look back.
NTA, when people don’t treat you right then they can’t expect you to be generous, suffer so they don’t, or be there for them when they weren’t there for you. If they expect care and compassion without offering it then they don’t deserve any from you. Give them what they have given you, no more and no less. It is amusing that people can complain about you while holding out their hand expecting money from you then are surprised when you chooses something different leaving them to clean up their own mess!
They are adults and responsible for themselves justice you. Their struggles are their own to figure out.
NTA- but be prepared for them to try and move in with you!
She hasn’t found a job because she knows you’ll will cover the bills! Move out and start building your life! Let them struggle, they chose it by being nasty and taking advantage of you. NTA
Move do not take the sister with you and do NOT help them with any finances. Focus on your son. NTA
NTA. Don’t look back after you leave and absolutely don’t continue to pay them anything!
NTA move out and move on with your lives. You’re growing up and putting your son first. Good for you!
You gotta do what you do for your young family. A true gift came to you so do right by the uncle and thrive. Congrats
NTA. DO NOT let his parents move in with you when they lose the house. Have your uncle draw up a lease limiting the people that can stay in the home so you can “blame” him when they ask and have the power to remove them from the property if they try to pull anything.
I’m so sorry you suffered abuse from your boyfriend’s parents for so long and I hope you are free of them soon.
Actions, meet consequences.
Yeah you need to move out, you owe them nothing whatsoever. Just make sure they don’t try and move with you if it’s a 5 bedroom. If they try, just tell them your uncle has said no they’re not allowed.
NTAH
NTA….But, I would never have said a thing about moving out until moving out day. It is going to be miserable until you do so.
And you will have a 5 bedroom home now. Don’t be surprised, if they come to you and ask to live with you. DO NOT Let them.
They are not your responsibility. They are the ungrateful ones. If they struggle without you, that is on them. They are not elderly. They are in their late 40s. Mom can get a job. They can both get part time jobs as well. They have options. They would just prefer to have you as their option.
You are not TA for moving out.