My (36M) ex gf and I have a son together and we coparent without a court order. We split time with him, she carries his insurance, I pay for clothes and food and toys when needed. We’ve gotten by this way for a few years now and it works. She’s gotten me out of a financial bind a few times and vice versa. We help each other when needed. My philosophy has always been that making sure she is taken care of (housing, food, car, etc) is taking care of my kid by proxy. Now I’m not saying I pay for her to go to dinner or that I make a car payment or house payment. She takes care of that for herself. I’m talking, gas money, groceries occasionally, giving her a ride when her car is broken like it is now. And she does the same for me.
Enter current gf (28). She’s not comfortable with the arrangement. She doesn’t think that ex girlfriends and boyfriends can have friendships like this and that the amount of help and support that I provide is too much and that I need to have boundaries.
I had agreed to give ex gf a ride to a softball game she was playing. Current gf sent me a long text message with an ultimatum: “if you take her to her game, don’t bother to make time for me anymore” in the end, I ended up getting current GF to agree to a meeting of sorts with the two of us to see if we can hash things out. I don’t do ultimatums. I’m a grown up and we can have grown up conversations about grown up things. There’s a time and place for an ultimatum but I felt like this was not it. My first instinct was to sink the ship in place and move on but I’ve invested a lot of time and money in plans that we’ve made for this year. AITAH for considering this?
TL;DR: my current gf is uncomfortable with my ex gf and I having a friendship and she gave me an ultimatum.
Update: well clarification more than anything. Ex gf and I don’t spend time together. We don’t hang out or even do stuff with the boy together. The one exception to that is Christmas morning, we get together for opening presents then we fuck off to our own devices.
Also, ex gf and I were friend long before we ever were together. Like elementary school. And we were together for 7 years. So it’s not like she was just a random hookup and I’m trying to do the right thing.
Comments
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NTA your current gf seems a little immature, I never understand the issue of being friends or friendly with an ex.
Read about “sunk cost fallacy”. GF is immature, not your job to raise her. You are a mature man who made and continues to make decisions for the good of your son. And yes, sometimes that means helping his mom. He will see that you are both good people, and will internalize this type of emotional maturity.
Your girlfriend should not be dating anyone with kids. NTA
NTA
Also kudos to you and your ex being constructive co parenting and remaining on good terms and ensuring your kids needs are met
Your current gf seems immature or at very least way overthinking the whole situation to be dropping ultimatum on you.
Your current gf is upset that you’re NOT a deadbeat dad and actually coparent well with your ex?
Yeah she’s got issues.
Whatever plans you have with her aren’t long term, I hope.
NTA
You are the asshole. It is very reasonable that your current girlfriend does not want you having these non-child-related interactions with your ex-girlfriend. You can use the “by proxy” excuse all you want, but driving your girlfriend to a softball game has literally nothing to do with your child. If that doesn’t work for you, then fine, you guys part ways. But your girlfriend isn’t wrong for seeing through your BS about “helping her is really helping my son.” That nonsense is only applicable in a small percentage of your interactions with your ex.
There is a thin line between an childish ultimatum, and her setting boundaries for herself. She is allowed to say “I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who does XYZ… so if you do XYZ, I am done.” If you want to dress that up as an inference to you not being a “grown man,” then do you… but she isn’t wrong.
Nta. You’re taking care of your child, you’re not helping ex take care of her child, this is your kid, made from you and your ex. You owe that child every opportunity you can afford him, and your gf needs to understand this. The fact you admit the the only reason you haven’t ended the relationship is your upcoming financial obligations means that you honestly already know the answer to many of the questions. Your gf is right though, you have to have your boundaries, she’s not right though, in that you already have them, and SHE crossed them. But read your post again. Your current gf has already killed your relationship in your eyes, you’re just waiting for the titanic to finish sinking after all the lifeboats left.
your gf is correct , you need some certain boundaries specially she’s your ex (ex or not, what youre doing is still kinda too much) also specially if youre doing this things alone with your ex. and accept it or not, your current gf has the last say, thats why its an ultimatum. on your next relationship, you gotta explain all of this **** if not youll be having the same problems.
NTA.
In your post you clearly articulate that you DO have boundaries for your support of your ex. Your current gf does not like these boundaries and is trying to control you. Good for you for saying “I don’t do ultimatums” because this one really is unreasonable. Current gf sounds immature like she doesn’t understand adult relationships can be complex, especially when coparenting is involved.
My ex and I were the best of friends until he passed. He and my husband were also great friends. It was the key to all of us successfully co-parenting. Your gf is too immature to handle the situation. Punt her. NTA
Sounds like your relationship with your ex is very healthy-for you, her and most importantly, your son. Your current gf? She’s a walking red flag
Was your current girlfriend aware of your amicable split, friendship with ex and cooparenting situation since the beginning? If so, your partner should have considered this, when starting to date you, and come to terms with it as something you can’t compromise. Your child is your priority and you and your ex are providing solid parenting for her. If anything, your dedication and ability to maintain civility with your ex is something to be applauded. You are a reliable man and father. On the other hand, maybe she wants somebody who dedicates their attention solely to her, so she’s jealous and insecure about your friendship with your ex. When you speak to her next, you need to tell her that your arrangement and friendship with your child’s mother was there from the beginning and that’s something that can’t change. Is she feeling left behind? Second best? I understand that maybe she wants more attention from you, more reassurance. Is it something you can give her without sacrificing your friendship with your ex?
I would definitely be very uncomfortable with my boyfriend being friends with his ex, and spending time together away from me.
Had two girls that I was dating at same time. They found out about each other, got together and decided to make me choose which one to stay with. I looked at both of them, Asked if they were serious. They said yes. I laughed n told them…………”I don’t want either one of you conivers. Go away!”
and then, I lived happily ever after….
NTA in general, but you WBTA (to yourself, primarily) if you don’t just break up with your current girlfriend now. Her ultimatum is very immature and when you write “I’ve invested a lot of time and money in plans that we’ve made for this year” as a reason to work things out you are clearly not that into her. Sunk cost fallacy is a terrible reason to try to save a relationship!
I think it’s great you are friends with your ex/mother of your child and there are many other women who will feel the same. You do t need someone so insecure that she sends text-essay ultimatums because you agreed to do your ex a small favor.
Your gf has a point. You are embedded in your ex’s life beyond any reasonable co-parent definition. There’s nothing wrong with that but your gf wants a bf not a thruple. It would be fine to maybe come to an arrangement where each month you have her $x over your court ordered amount, or each month tallied up out of the ordinary payments (my ex and I do this for copays and expensive clothing – and we do joint presents for Christmas) but for your system to work you have to be really close to your ex. Your hearts in the right place but YTA.
Your gf has a point. You are embedded in your ex’s life beyond any reasonable co-parent definition. There’s nothing wrong with that but your gf wants a bf not a thruple. It would be fine to maybe come to an arrangement where each month you have her $x over your court ordered amount, or each month tallied up out of the ordinary payments (my ex and I do this for copays and expensive clothing – and we do joint presents for Christmas) but for your system to work you have to be really close to your ex. Your hearts in the right place but YTA.
Current GF is an immature child. There are a lot of parents who co-parent very well and help each other out. You just hear of the bad ones more often.
Your first instinct is correct. Move on from her and part ways. You are doing what you need to for your child who is growing up knowing that mom and dad still respect each other. There will be no drama when it comes to graduations, wedding, baby stuff. Your son is growing up well adjusted and happy.
Jealousy is such an ugly colour on a woman. Your ex is going to be in your life for many years. You either have a good and civil relationship with her or you have one of hatred and spite. You chose wisely. It’s sad your soon to be ex girlfriend doesn’t see that.
NTA – New GF has to understand that you are going to have a friendship with your kids mom until they are adults, and probably beyond that. It’s in the best interest of the children that everyone gets along. If GF can’t handle that then it’s time to move on.
NTA. My youngest dad and I broke up. No court order no child support. He got what they needed as did i. If one didnt have we helped the other. He even let me borrow his car once when mine was broken. He also treated my oldest like his as well even after the breakup. Your gf is immature
You two simply aren’t compatible. I could not date someone who was still so involved in their ex’s life. That doesn’t mean you are doing anything wrong at all. It just means we wouldn’t be compatible. The same applies here
Where your gf strays into being an asshole is she knew the deal and still decided to date you. If she can’t handle a guy who is close to his ex then she should avoid single dads instead of torpedoing your co-parenting relationship
I don’t mind him taking care of his kid that’s not the issue, its the extra stuff for her as far as the taking her to softball game that i would not be fond of, where is her man? Why cant he take her? I wouldn’t give him an ultimatum, but he would no longer have my full attention. I would tell him that maybe needs to see what’s up with her, maybe they can get back together. And this is the reason , I don’t date Men with little kids.
Your gf is going to have to get over it as you have a child with your ex, so you’re going to be in each other’s lives forever. She either needs to grow up and accept this, or don’t date anyone who has kids. NTA
NTA. If she’s not comfortable with her BF coparenting then she needs to find a BF without kids. She doesn’t get to tell you how to coparent. Period. Updateme
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NTA
You ultimatelky do what it best for your child, and that does include sometimes helping your ex. I know some don’t get on at all after a breakup, but if you can keep a good friendly relationship going, it’s only going to be benficial in the future.
NTA. Your girlfriend’s insecurity is her problem to manage. It sounds like you put your kid first and have good boundaries with your ex. Let the insecure GF go.
Sorry, your current girlfriend is trying to manipulate you into changing the relationship dynamic you have with the mother of your child? You’re never the asshole for supporting your family. Because that’s what the mother of your child is, family.
Has your girlfriend not met your child’s mother before? Are you doing things for your child’s mother that specifically makes your girlfriend uncomfortable? Does she understand why the relationship with your child’s mother ultimately broke down? Is her manipulation of you no longer supporting your child’s mother less an attempt to pull you apart from your family relationship with your child and his mother?
There’s the why missing from your girlfriend’s demands… until you get more information to understand the root of her issue, I don’t think you can make a determination on what her intentions are. And honestly, you seem have a really strong relationship with the mother of your child, and I don’t see why that should have to be adjusted to make a romantic partner more comfortable.
But ultimately, if she doesn’t understand your family dynamics, and the level of support you provide to your family, then I don’t see how this relationship can end well.
NTA
You absolutely need to set boundaries, but not with your ex. You need to set boundaries with your current gf. “If you give me another ultimatum, I will end our relationship.” “If you continue to bug me about my relationship with my son’s mother, I will end our relationship.” What you expect is clearly expressed, and the consequences if gf crosses the boundary. Requirment+consequence=boundary set. You can have a calm and loving discussion about why you are not going to change how you deal with your ex, but in the end, you need to make that boundary clear.
Yeah, I would’ve told her what to go do with her ultimatum. Hopefully, not kicking this insecure little ninny to the curb doesn’t come back to bite you.
Your GF is correct and if you are not on board she is right to move on. This arrangement is fine for you both but you didn’t take into consideration eventually you or her will meet someone and that person will not be comfortable. You two are not together anymore and unless you are planning on getting back together things need to be more separate and you should be paying whatever the amount is and that’s it. You both should be responsible and taking care of your own finances and not depending on each other when you get in a bind. You should have a custody order and be using a parenting app. Things are too loosy goosy and I don’t think this GF is off the mark in what she is seeing here. The three of you get together? For what? There is only supposed to be two of you in this relationship. You want your ex to make your GF feel better about it?
You and ex want to carry on like this you certainly can but both of you will be hard pressed to find a partner who is going to want to live like that. Your ex is that dependant on you she calls and asks for a ride? Yes it is possible you may find someone who is willing to live like this but it will be few and far between no matter how many people here are saying she is wrong. I guarantee you a huge amount of them wouldn’t be ok with it.
NTA. Honestly? Drop the gf. The arrangement and relationship between you and the mother of your child is not her business. And it seems to be her intent to interfere with the situation. The most important relationship for you is with your child, then his mother. Keeping things civil and cooperative is the very best. And you are correct. You are adults and do not need people in your lives who believe in ultimatiums.
I understand people are sometimes jealous and immature so cannot see two former partners being friends, and without children something can be negotiated in that case. But you and your ex have agreed to be mature in helping make sure your child is raised with maturity and understanding, without hostility and anger between you two, and that is the correct way to co-parent. I would be very concerned about GF’s demands going forward. If you two have a child together will she try to force you to cut off your son? Have hissy fits when you want to attend his sporting events or school things? I don’t think she sounds like someone you should be building a future with if she is already demanding you change your behavior to something that may not be in the best interest of your son.
Drop the gf… coparenting and HEALTHY relationships between parents needs to be commonplace.
I understand why she’d not like this… a lot of exes hook up or get back together when there is a good arrangement and everyone’s happy. But seriously, your gf will be a constant problem and attempt to destroy that happiness for you and your child.
You’ve got a kid, a baby momma, and you’re dating someone nearly a decade younger than you–this is the cost of playing.
You are likely to find your (lack of) boundaries with your ex to be an issue with all your girlfriends going forwards. Very, very few women will be ok with you being super chummy and doing tons of personal favors for your baby momma ex, hanging out with her solo, or giving her extra cash. The women who are ok with it tend to be the same way with their own exes and using your behavior as permission, so keep that in mind.
I think many of the readers missed the part where you were taking your ex to your ex’s hobby activity. You weren’t going to your child’s game and letting her carpool.
I would recommend you sort out what you are and are not willing to budge on, with some very clear guidelines, and go into your next relationship with better boundaries in place that enable you to both respect your new relationship while keeping your good co-parenting relationship in place.
And date closer to your own age. That would fix most of the immaturity issues you’re facing.
ETA: knee-jerk reactions to ultimatums show as much, or more immaturity than the one issuing the ultimatum. Consider why your girlfriend felt the need to issue one. Is it because she is jealous, immature, etc.? Or has she been telling you this A LOT and you haven’t been listening or fixing it together?
In my experience, someone who does ultimatums falls into 1) the sort who constantly resorts to threats all the time to control their partner’s behavior, 2) have snapped after being driven into a corner, or 3) are not actually issuing an ultimatum, but trying to convey a personal limit of their own, and doing it badly because of emotions or their level of communication skills.
Which one sounds like your girlfriend? If it’s 1, walk away, she won’t improve. 2 or 3 can be worked with.
My ex husband and I have a similar relationship. At this point, he is family. And my current bf understands for the most part, but I do go a little above and beyond. What I ended up telling him was “Would you have this issue if I was doing these things for my cousin or my brother?” That seemed to put it into perspective. Fact is, he’s the father of my children and he raises them. He is family to me because he is their father and just because we used to have sex doesn’t make him any less family to me. Just now, it’s more the vibe of a close cousin than an ex partner.
NTA It sounds like you and your ex are wonderfully mature and are putting your child first. Your relationship is unique and I understand why it would be difficult for your current girlfriend to understand that.
Continuing to put your child front and center, you should be the one issuing the ultimatum. Current girlfriend needs to come to terms with the fact that you are a single father and have a cordial relationship with your ex and while they don’t need to be best buddies it will be imperative that all of you can work together.
On your side, I think you could talk with your ex and let her know that with the exception of emergencies you won’t necessarily be available to assist her with run of the mill activities like a ride to a softball game. But, you will absolutely be there if her car breaks down and she needs a ride to work, because that has the potential to affect your child. I’m sure at some point. Your ex will find someone who may also be uncomfortable with exes that don’t hate each other.
And I hope you realize that at some point if you and your current girlfriend live together, marry or have children together the Christmas morning routine will need to be adjusted.
NAH, you have your llfe arranged in a way that works for you and the best interests of your kid, which is your #1 priority. Would everybody do it that way? maybe, maybe not. There is no “correct” or “incorrect”, there is just what you have chosen to do. You’ll have to realize that some potential partners will not accept it, and that’s ok too. Folks gotta live their best lives.
NTA
Seems like your current GF isn’t ready to understand that being a parent also means being apart of the other parent’s life (your ex) to a degree.
It is good that you are finding this out now about your current GF rather than later.
Good luck!
>I had agreed to give ex gf a ride to a softball game she was playing.
That’s really bizarre. She cant find another ride to her bullshit softball game? This is beyond coparenting.
But yeah, you should probably just break up.
There is amicable, civil, friendly coparenting and then there’s This, what you are doing with your ex.
Nothing technically wrong with it but honestly it leaves no room for a new partner and it does look borderline too dependent. I wouldn’t date a woman who had this arrangement with her kid’s dad. Nope
break up with your gf
Sink the ship because next it’ll be ultimatums concerning your son.
New GF is not yet mature enough to be in a relationship with kids involved.
Your girlfriend does not need to date anyone that has children. She is NOT stepmom material. She will cause problems with your ex which will cause problems for you. Watch your child around here. If he starts telling you “she’s mean” believe him.
NTA. You are doing what is in the best interests of your child but she doesn’t care about him. She would rather he starve at your ex’s house or not have his mother at his games, so she can feel secure that you don’t have feelings for your ex. She doesn’t seem to realize she isn’t just your ex, she is the mother of your child which means if she suffers so does he. Also, you have said that she has helped you out as well. So when you have hardship is this immature brat going to help you out instead? Or will she say it’s not my problem.
Sorry but current gf will mess up your co parenting and she needs to grow up just move on it won’t get better she might act like she will change but if you guys get married it will go back to it
Why are you with your current girlfriend? If you decide to stay with her, be prepared to have your coparenting relationship go downhill. With the toxic way your gf is acting, I would reconsider this relationship.
NTA.
Edit: spelling
NTA Keep doing what you’re doing. It’s your child’s mother and this benefits all 3 involved. You’ll need to find someone comfortable with that situation…it’s not your current gf.
NTA. Run.
Also.
Sunk cost fallacy
“The sunk cost fallacy is our tendency to follow through with something that we’ve already invested heavily in (be it time, money, effort, or emotional energy), even when giving up is clearly a better idea.”
https://rethinklife.today/are-you-in-a-sunk-cost-relationship
https://www.forbes.com/sites/traversmark/2024/02/14/3-reasons-the-sunk-cost-fallacy-keep-us-stuck-in-bad-relationships/
https://markmanson.net/why-we-stay-in-bad-relationships
https://positivepsychology.com/sunk-cost-fallacy/
https://medium.com/hello-love/do-you-really-love-each-other-or-is-the-sunk-cost-fallacy-keeping-you-together-c836a96d6a8f
https://adrtimes.com/sunk-cost-fallacy-relationships/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/pulling-through/202312/recognizing-the-sunk-cost-fallacy-may-help-you-cut-your-losses