Removed from sister sub so posted here. Due to growing up in dysfunctional household, I (F35) believe that you CAN choose family, and my brother Jim(M38) is my only blood-related family. I’m not American. I also don’t want this linked back to my main account.
Jim should’ve never been a father, nor did he want children, but his ex stealthed him. When she died of birth complications, he felt obligated to “take responsibility” for his son Jack (M8). While he was (according to third party accounts) outwardly a good father, he privately confided in me that he hated being a parent and resented his life, his ex, and wasn’t sure if he loved Jack. He outright referred to Jack (only to me) as a burden and a parasite.
I never developed a relationship with my nephew. I can’t stand kids, and Jim did not push me to be an involved aunt, so I never bothered. While I don’t dislike Jack, I don’t personally care for him as a person-he’s my brother’s kid and nothing more.
3 years ago, Jim developed cancer. There were ups and downs, but he eventually lost the war and passed away 3 weeks ago. My aunt (F55) was the designated guardian, but then she lost her job. My relatives are trying to pin my nephew onto me, but I refused. In pressuring me, my relatives have been relentless, calling me a monster, selfish, a sociopath, a psychopath, and accusing me of betraying Jim, etc.
Admittedly, I would (reluctantly) adopt Jack for JIM, but I don’t feel obligated to. My brother has privately told me that I should never become a parent against my will, not even for family. He also shut down relatives who pressured me to adopt Jack during the initial search for a guardian (before my aunt volunteered). He publicly cited my lack of maternal instincts but privately told me that it wasn’t my burden to bear, and that he wanted me to be happy.
I still have this lingering doubt because Jack wasn’t eminently at risk of being sent to foster care when Jim gave me my out. But I don’t want to ruin my life for the tiny off chance that my brother would’ve changed his mind
Comments
NTA. Whilst you owe your nephew respect, compassion and kindness, you’re not entitled to adopting him. You’re child free. Let the flying monkeys deal with it. Block them and ignore them. Like you said, you choose your family.
NTA. First there are other options, second, it would’t be a good thing for the kid either. Being raised by someone that doesn’t want you is a traumatic thing and kids feel these things.
NTA. You’re not a bad person for knowing your limits. Parenting is a huge responsibility, and taking it on unwillingly wouldn’t be fair to you or Jack. Your brother made it clear he didn’t want you to feel obligated, and honoring that is more important than guilt-tripping yourself. Jack deserves a home with someone who truly wants to raise him, not just someone pressured into it.
Why do your relatives want a sociopath raising this kid? NTA
ESH
You are all a terrible family. I’ve never seen a more clear example of “hurt people hurt people” This poor kid doesn’t stand a chance. God. What a horrible situation for Jack to have to live through. I guarantee you that he knows that none of you love or want him and you will all have to carry that around your necks.
if you feel bad, you can give aunt some support while she raises jack. otherwise it would be terrible for a child free person to raise a child and for the child to be raised by a child free person.
Yeah do that child a favour and dont have any contact with him.
So basically your entire family is full of awful people who say and do awful things. ESH. Jim should have placed the child for adoption at birth so he wouldn’t be at risk of being placed in foster care now and for the child. Jim was a terrible parent and the child knows how he felt about him. They always know.
Why not seek out potential adoptive homes instead of just letting the kid go into care? Do at least that much
NTA. Your brother knew you and would not have changed his mind. As a parent, I would rather my child go to a family that wants them than a relative that doesn’t. Any relatives feeling strongly that Jack should be adopted by you should be the ones who take him and you should repeat that to them every time they say something. By their own definition, they are all “psychopaths, selfish, monsters” and you should turn any words they use on you back to them. I’m guessing they all have excuses why they can’t take Jack. Your reason isn’t any less valid.
If no one can take him, Jack is better off in foster care to give him a chance at a better family.
People love to scream ‘family’ until it’s time to actually help. If they care so much, why aren’t they stepping up? You’re not a villain for not torching your life over a decision your brother already made.
NTA. Taking your nephew in when really not wanting him to be there with you will not end well for your nephew. You’ll slowly start to resent him being there and he’ll catch on to it. And he’ll feel horrible for it and be angry. If you can send money every month to the aunt who is taking care of your nephew. And if any of your other family has a problem with you not taking him in, then they are more than welcome to do it themselves Stick to your decision & don’t let anyone make you feel shitty. Even your brother understood & didn’t want you to be a guardian to his son. Also sorry for your loss of your brother. 🙏
As a parent I might not want a child but once I have I do live my kid. This is an usual rule. Out of respect to your brother take car of your nephew. Help your aunt and give her money to keep him safe. I don’t think your brother would approve this situation leaving his son without protection or safe environment to grow. You can keep him with you or help his guardian. As his blood you should help and take care of him .
>my relatives have been relentless, calling me a monster, selfish, a sociopath, a psychopath,
If you’re a monster, selfish, a sociopath, a psychopath, them you have no business raising a kid, right?
Your relatives are pushing because they don’t want the responsibility themselves, so they’ll pour on the abuse to try to shame someone else into picking up the load.
The fact is, you don’t want to raise the kid and that alone makes you ineligible to raise the kid. Kids know when they’re unwanted and your reticence would be damaging.
NTA
I feel sorry for Jack surrounded by people that don’t want him.
The only one I pity here is the kid.
My heart goes out to that lil boy. No one wants to step up. Your brother should have adopted him out as an infant and he could have been in a home where perople DO want to love him and DO want to care for him. Your brother is the AH here.
I feel bad for the kid. Poor baby was cursed with a family that doesn’t want or love him 💔💔💔💔
Your whole family are AH. The kid didn’t ask to be born into such a terrible and uncaring family. Then his mom and dad both die and you hate kids too much to help him. Truly terrible. YTA
NTA! Jim knew you didn’t want to be a mother. He absolutely would have hated if you adopted your nephew because of family pressure.
Where are all these other relatives that keep telling you you’re awful? Why aren’t they stepping up??
NTA. The only reasons why your family thinks that you should take the kid is because most people expect every single female to be the caretaker and that you will magically bond with a child because you’re female. The other reason is that they don’t want to do it.
Block all of them because they’re all selfish and don’t care about the child, they just don’t want to feel guilty for not taking him.
Where are the birth giver (that died) family?
NTA
So tired of “family” guilt tripping a woman because she’s not maternal. All women aren’t, jeeze.
Poor Jack …the rest of your selfish , self obsessed family should put him up for adoption to a family who wants him
Help your aunt financially and agree to occasionally babysit to give her breaks.
I feel absolutely horrendously, horrible for all of the babies being brought into this world, because men plant their seeds, women have force pregnancies. I am a mother and a grandmother, and I really would rather a terminated pregnancy any old day, then bringing a child into a situation where they are notloved and embraced.
NTA – you are a sociopath and so was your brother. He should have put his son up for adoption after the mother died. You’ll only hurt this boys chances in life if you take him in. The family should pool money to help out the aunt. When she finds a new job and that money she should be able to create a great future for the child. Keep on being the sociopath you know you are and send a bit of money to your aunt so she can handle the responsibility you and your brother were never meant to try to tackle.
NTA this is rough is there any family on his mother’s side?
If your Aunt wants to raise him and only refused now because she lost her job. Could you maybe help monetarily for the upkeep of your nephew?
I get not wanting to take responsibility for him since you don’t like kids. But the alternative is equally harsh on a child who has lost everyone.
NTA. What about her side of the family? I’m sure she has a relative willing to take him. Your brother didn’t want you to take care of the boy. It’s why he confided his struggles to you. It’s a mess, but you aren’t obligated. Suggest that they find someone on the mom’s side.
Who doesn’t care for a child “as a person”, kid is 8yrs old
While you aren’t the asshole for not taking in your nephew and to be honest it’s better off you don’t. It isn’t directly your responsibility but you do share 50% of your DNA as your Brother and as such share 25% of that child’s DNA. They are very much your family and many people feel it is their duty to do right by their sibling/family by protecting theirs who is inextricably connected to you.
Based on your comments, this kid is probably better off on the streets of Bangladesh than in your care. I might see where your family is coming from calling you a psychopath.
Nobody wants the responsibility of this baby, give the baby up so they can have a life somewhere else by people who love them. Cause dang.
Where is the mother’s side of the family in all of this? Look as a parent myself, please don’t cave to pressure of individuals who aren’t even willing to help themselves. Parenthood is a massive undertaking and you need to be willing to do it. It is entirely acceptable for you to choose to remain child free. That is what YOU want and that matters because being thrust into guardianship against your will may lead you to the same feelings of resentment. You know your needs and your limitations and your decision should be respected. You are absolutely NTA.
So the aunt lost her job… cant she get another one?
The child doesn’t belong in a home where it can’t give love to them. I might have missed the part about the birth mom’s side of the family. Sounds like your family isn’t the right fit for this child. Likely the child knew his dad resented him existing.
Are you in any position to pay for your nephew to attend a boarding school?
Since no one seems to want to care for him, he might be better off if you all pooled your resources and sent him to a private school where he could bond with friends his own age, learn life skills, get a good education and be cared for by people skilled at doing that.
It would be kinder than taking him in when you don’t want him, kids pick up on things very quickly and giving him a chance to be his best self might be kinder than forcing yourself to care for him when you don’t really want to
NTA. Since you dislike Jack, who’s already been raised by a man who views him as a parasite, adopting him would only prolong caregiver emotional neglect.
I don’t know what the heck is going on in your family, but it sounds dark. Both you and your brother had hostility to children. Your relatives called you vile names like psychopath for not adopting Jack. Everyone sounds like snarling beasts.
The best thing for Jack is to get adopted into a loving, normal home to break the cycle of whatever is going on in your own family.
The problem is that people want to adopt babies, not 8 year olds.
I pray Jack gets adopted and finally knows what it’s like to be loved and wanted.
why would they want a sociopath to take the child? ask them.
ESH
Poor Jack! To be related to such vile people is such misfortune….
All these comments bashing op because she doesn’t want to parent a child that isn’t hers are insane.
So you’d rather harbor resentment toward this child who has done nothing wrong and subject him to the broken , abuse ridden foster system than help him? I wouldn’t want family like you either. Then again, you don’t want him, so that is just as bad. The poor child would be scarred for life. Either way your all the a&&holes.
NTA. Your brother loved you in his own way and gave you permission to not feel guilted by other. Why don’t they adopt him? As a parent I wouldn’t ever want to force my child on someone who doesn’t want them (for whatever reason and just not wanting to us a valid reason). I respect your position and encourage you for your own and the child’s sake to stand firm.
The only one I feel for here is the kid. Surrounded by people who don’t want him.
Help the aunt financially so the original plan can go through
NTA – But may I suggest that family members pitch in to help your aunt financially so she can take in Jack rather than trying to force him on you? If everyone assist in whatever way they can, Im sure you can figure it out as a unit – which is what family is supposed to be. This should not fall onto you.
NTA
Nta – that kid should go to someone who will love them. Not to be a dick, seriously, but not liking kids would make you a horrible mother, and that baby deserves better. The fact that you recognize that and refuse to take them in actually makes you a good person. Not the opposite. God, that poor baby.
UpdateMe
> In pressuring me, my relatives have been relentless, calling me a monster, selfish, a sociopath, a psychopath, and accusing me of betraying Jim, etc.
Why on earth would they want a selfish monster socio/psychopath raising this child?
Because if it were me? KNOWING that I was following my brother’s wishes to NOT be forced to become a parent and truly following his wishes? I would tell these people that YES, yes I am all of those horrible things and this is why I AM NOT taking this innocent soul. He deserves someone who is not a monster. Thank you. But in your heart? You are free and clear.
NTA
NTA
Why would your “family” want to subject a child who has already lost both parents into a household where he is not wanted?
While I am sure you would be kind to the child, you don’t have a bond, don’t care for children by your own admission, and don’t want to be this child’s parent. The child WILL feel this. They always do.
If your aunt is truly unable to care for the child, foster or adoption may be required. The one thing that may bring that will be helpful is therapy that I am sure the child is in need of.
Your aunt chose this burden to take on, if she is unable to continue, hard decisions need to be made, but putting a already grieving child with someone who does truly want them is not the way.
Sad for the child. Hopefully he will find a forever home where people truly desire a child. There are lots out there.
Where’s the mother’s family?
NTA..but it really sucks for that poor little kid. No one cares or loves him. What a sad situation.
Updateme
NTA. Adopting a child is a huge commitment and a big change to your life.
If you also don’t like kids, and don’t have maternal instincts to even enjoy spending time with him, it’s not advisable to adopt him. That child has already had one parent who didn’t particularly want him (even if he tried not to show it to him) but he’s now also going to be struggling with the grief of loosing his only parent.
You should recommend your aunt speak to a social worker about fostering or guardianship. They can often be given financial payments as a fosterer or guardian. So if the only reason she’s changing her mind is because she’s lost her job, she may be able to get some financial support via social services which may help whilst she’s trying to secure another job that also works around shool hours etc.
But otherwise I wouldn’t recommend adopting when you don’t have much of a relationship with him, and you aren’t drawn to wanting kids. You’ll end up feeling resentful and seeing him as a burden like your brother felt, and he deserves better than that.
Any family who are guilt tripping you to take him can step up and take him themselves if they think it’s that simple.
Not all women are maternal and I hate that in these cases the default caregiver is assumed to be the closest female relative.
You should not adopt your nephew if it’s not what you want, this doesn’t make you selfish it’s about being honest with yourself and doing what is best for your life, anyone who calling you selfish has oversimplified the enormity of the situation without understanding what would be in the best interests of you and your nephew.
Your family is in fact being selfish by holding on and not doing what is best for the child, this always turns out wrong although well intentioned.
If you can’t provide the love and care he needs to thrive then he should be put up for adoption so that he can have a chance at a good life, this would be in his best interest.