Basically I (f34) am married to a man (f35) who has a daughter (4) and shares costudy with his ex wife. The girl stays with us one week and one week with her mother.
Now, I have to say that her mother never really liked me, since we met she was making little comments that made me uncomfortable and made sure I know how she feels about me.
So for about 2 months now, the little girl, whenever she would stay with us she wanted to sleep on our bed. Her dad allows her and I have no problem with it so whatever. I was never really good with kids, I feel awkward because I don’t know how to act and I was very worried how would I get along with the girl. Once I started caressing her leg so she would fall asleep faster and since then she wants me to do it every time. When I say caressing I mean like soft tickle, like petting? I don’t know the word for it honestly, but IT’S NOT, IN ANY WAY SEXUAL. Her dad is always there laying next to us so it’s not even like I’m alone with her or something.
I guess she told her mom about this, which I thought wouldn’t be a problem, but she came last week and waited for me to come back from work in front of the house and then made a huge scene, yelling at me calling me a pedophile and saying how I’m trying to groom her daughter. She was yelling in front of the house and said how she’s going to tell HER husnand , talking about her ex husband, my husband. It hurt me so much because I thought I was finally bonding with my supposedly stepdaughter and I just really wanted her to like me. I told my husband right away and he called her and yelled at her and told her how big these accusations are and she just decided to let it go.
Now last week, when the girl was staying with us she wanted to sleep on bed and wanted me to pet her leg but I told her I can’t do that anymore. She was sad about it and asked me do I not like her anymore. My husband told me I can’t punish her for something her mom did but I’m not trying to punish her I just don’t want to do it after this. Am I being unreasonable?
Comments
You know, some people really need to take a chill pill and stop making mountains out of molehills—or in this case, soft tickles! Just wait until she finds out about bedtime stories; those might send her over the edge!
I wish my parents comforted me to sleep, never mind my step-parents. That would have helped me in so many ways growing up to have another parental figure in my life because I couldn’t rely on my own parents. To have a step-parent that is happy to love and care for you, that is really special for any child.
I can understand Mama Bear being protective, but to act that way and accuse you of such horrendous acts is disgusting. That is a serious accusation, and since the child is so young, serious shit could happen if someone in the public heard.
NTA. Her mom went way overboard with those accusations. You’re just trying to protect yourself from more drama. It’s not about punishing the kid, it’s about your own well being
Just let her rest her head on you or put your arm around her. Remove the “rubbing” component because that’s what makes it sound weird to someone who isn’t there.
I know exactly the form of touch you’re describing, my mom use to do the same thing to my back when I was child to help me fall asleep — definitely nothing sexual about it.
I think that you, your husband, and bio mom need to sit down and talk things out — or at least your husband needs to humble her. You don’t want this effecting your relationship with your stepdaughter, but you also want to make sure nothing toxic comes of anything because of bio moms behavior.
NTA.
Those are terrifying accusations, anyone in their right mind would say you’re being wise not to allow her in your bed anymore.
Not worth taking a chance.
Her mother hates you more than she loves her child.
NTA. You need to tell your husband it’s not punishment. You cannot be put in a compromising situation like that anymore. Those kind of accusations are permanent and life damaging. Ask him how he would feel if the roles were reversed. He wouldn’t even want to be in the same bed. Start documenting everything. I would even call a lawyer or the police department and ask what could be done. She publicly announced to your street you were a pedophile. If anyone heard that she has tainted your character.
Even the allegation of predatory behavior has significant consequences. You have to take this seriously and avoid the appearance of impropriety. NTA
NTA but get out of the relationship NOW! It takes one accusation to ruin your life and maybe send you to prison.
Get her a special cuddle stuffie!! That’ll be a nice comfort for her so she’ll have something to help her self soothe.
Definitely do not allow the girl to sleep in the same bed anymore. It sucks that she feels rejected, but these are extremely serious life ruining accusations that the mother is waving around. Unfortunately, she will use anything to try and incriminate you. I’d be worried about her possibly brainwashing the little girl against you as well. Tbh I know everyone hates the “break up” advice that constantly gets repeated on Reddit, but if the situation escalates and the mother of the girl keeps on these accusations, you should exit the relationship ASAP before your reputation is ruined and the police start investigating you. NTA.
Ug, that’s awful. I had a daycare worker who would stroke my hair during nap time and it made me so feel safe and calm and sleepy. As an adult I use asmr videos of hair brushing and facials to get the same happy brain effect. I’d have your husband talk with a custody lawyer/police to see how best to protect yourself. Maybe see if your step daughter feels the same about hair brushing as leg tickles? I defy a judge to take hair brushing as predatory. NTA for feeling uncomfortable about it now, I just feel bad for the girl. How dare you make her feel safe and loved! /s
You have to make your partner understand that the sleeping arrangements have to change because your ex has the power to screw your life up. Sitting by her bed and reading her favorite books maybe a galaxy light and sing her a lullaby, she will always feel loved by you and no one could say you’re inappropriate in any way.
My brother and I used to do this for each other when we were younger, but with our backs. We would take turns rubbing/tickling each other’s backs until one of us fell asleep. It’s a sort of comfort. But I completely understand why you would not want to do it anymore even though the little girl enjoyed it. I hate it for her, and I hate it for you.
NTAH. Those are serious accusations.
The explanation coming from a small child may have raised red flags in her mind, which is understandable if she has her own traumas from abuse. However, I think she should have addressed it with you both or at least her father first before coming at you like that.
You definitely have to protect yourself.
Also, maybe buy some kids’ books to show your stepdaughter what inappropriate and appropriate touching is. Never hurts to educate or be educated on the subject for safety reasons.
NTA – You have to protect yourself and really the honest answer when she asks is her mommy said you couldnt do that.
Do not allow this child to sleep in your bed anymore, the mother is playing a dangerous game that can severely damage your reputation and life this is not worth the risk and your husband is wrong for not standing up for you and instead saying you are punishing his child.
NTA
NTA. I’m sorry to have to say this, but you need to put some distance between you and your husband’s child. If she sleeps in the bed, you need to sleep somewhere else. You have to protect yourself because even false accusations can ruin your life. And, unfortunately, if your husband doesn’t understand this the marriage might be in trouble.
Is it impossible to talk with the bio mom? I was a single mom with a step mom in the picture! To be honest- when I considered the alternative to my kids being with someone who was caring and nice versus someone who resented and treated them badly – i kind of got over the insecurities I sometimes felt. Was just wondering if you had a conversation if it would help! Children need a village for love and support! On the other hand I do understand how you feel!!
Stop because you don’t wanna give her fuel. And in her defense I wouldn’t care who you were I don’t want you touching my kid like that. Not your job hands off sir. I’d say worse to a ma’am.
NTA. The only predator in this story is the bio mom, and she’s looking to prey on you. She can make allegations that will cause great harm to you if she goes to the police or DCS, so you’re making the right decision to protect yourself.
NTA
You aren’t being unreasonable at all.
Not allowing her to sleep in your bed is protecting yourself AND the child. Dealing with the fallout from an investigation into accusations like that would be traumatic and devastating for that child.
As an added layer of protection, DO NOT ever be alone with this child. EVER.
I wouldn’t put it past the mother to make further accusations.
Yo, his ex is a PSYCHO. She sounds jealous of the bond, even if it’s just to get her to sleep. I literally have to pat my sons back every night for sleep.
My husband rubs my butt and lower back every night and I fall asleep to it because it’s relaxing. Totally non-sexual. Maybe I should file a police report? You’re not the AH.
NTA
Honestly I’ve been there. Being put in the middle.and mom getting upset and slinging accusations. I always tried to protect mom’s image even though she did the opposite. Big time parental alienation and saying horrible things about both of us
I would do what I didn’t do. Tell her the truth. It makes mom uncomfortable. Then she knows it’s not because you don’t like her
I closed my eyes and pictured my ex and his wife in this situation and I’m afraid it would be a hard no. His wife is very nice, I like her, never any issues and I’m sure you’re the same, you’d never hurt a kid. I just get an uncomfortable feeling and that’s enough. A little bed made up on the floor for her would be ok, but in the same bed, nah. I wouldn’t have approached you like a maniac though.
That makes me so sad. Also, definitely NTA. My stepdaughter is 7. She was thrown into our lives full time when we barely knew each other honestly. She slept with us for a month until her bedroom was all set up. It was such an amazing bond. And I had to itch her back or her foot every night for her to fall asleep. Nothing predatory about it at all.
Yta
From the outside looking in it looks creepy as fck
Don’t fall asleep touching her like that.
I did that to my kids arms to help them relax. They called it arm slow-tickles. Just barely touching the skin. But with that ex wife ready to turn it into something inappropriate you had best be sure you have the mom’s consent b/c she sounds like someone that might cause trouble in your life. Think defensively as sad as that sounds. They young girls should not suffer b/c of a crazed mom but throughout her life when people figure out that mom, she will.
NTA.
Your husband should be lucky you’re still sleeping in the same bed and not in another room/couch.
Those kind of accusations are extremely damaging, and even when disproven, no one will see you in the same light as before. Reputation/social standing, friendships, possibly job searching/career changing— you would’ve lost a lot.
NTA!
rubbies!!! my mamaw used to do it to my back when i couldn’t sleep and now it’s just a comfort thing at this point! i do it to my niece’s arm when she can’t sleep.
the mom is weird.
Honestly – you should probably consult the attorney that handles the custody agreement. Follow the attorney’s advice.
This is a serious accusation. Someone who just heard her screaming at you could now side eye you (with reason!) and call CPS.
I’m serious.
In the meantime, no sleeping with her. Daddy can help her fall asleep – in her room or on a blow up on the floor. Make up an excuse that you hurt your back or something.
She could decide to use this to get full custody.
The thing about children is that they are parrots and will repeat everything they see and hear. They also have zero filter and will say things in ways that can make stuff sound pretty bad. It’s possible she worded things in a weird way and instead of calmly asking questions to determine the situation, or calmly asking you and your husband to clarify, the bio mom decided to be an HCBM. It’s not uncommon. It’s doesn’t sound like you’re an AH.
You’re not punishing your stepdaughter. The best thing you can do is you and your husband need to sit her down and have an honest, age appropriate, conversation about why she needs to sleep in her own bed and why you can’t caress her leg to help her fall asleep and have an age appropriate conversation about adults that ARE predators and what to do if anyone (be it family, friends of family, strangers, or older kids) touches her inappropriately.
I do the same thing to my daughter’s shoulder nothing sexual about what it . She sounds mad that you are bonding with “HER” daughter
My daughter’s bedtime routine at that age was caressing her arms, legs, shoulders, head. And if I did the wrong order I had to start over. lol