I (23F) didn’t attend my baby shower that was on Saturday. My mother (38F) is extremely upset with me and embarrassed. She scolded me for embarrassing her in front of her friends and family. My friends were upset too and many had texted me saying that it was rude of me not to show up when they gave up their weekend for me. None of my friends are pregnant so they go out often and have fun.
I didn’t attend my baby shower, because on Thursday I had noticeable bleeding and my boyfriend (24M) took me to my OBGYN. They did an ultrasound and realized that only one heartbeat could be heard. I’m 7months pregnant with twin boys. Only one is a stillborn. I was told that my pregnancy needs to be monitored closely to ensure that the living fetus is okay. No unnecessary movement for no more than a few hours a day and nothing that will add stress.
My boyfriend and I didn’t know how to tell anyone that one of our babies had died. I did tell my mom and she told me to stay hushed about it until after the baby shower. She was like twins get more gifts. I think that’s the only real reason my mom wanted me to be at the shower.
I couldn’t bring myself to go though. I am still grieving the loss and trying to cope with the fact that I lost a baby.
AITAH for not being at the baby shower?
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NTA. That is absolutely insane from your mother.
Your NTA. Eventually, they’ll figure it out and think back on that day and then know why but I get it. I see their point as they just assumed you didn’t show up with no reasoning that’s justified to some degree. They were there to celebrate you and you weren’t there again your NTA just be understanding as I’m sure they all would have been for you too had they known. I’m sorry that you’ve gone through this.
NTA for not attending the shower.
Your mom is definitely an asshole, though.
NTA, even if you don’t want to tell anyone now! You don’t have to they’ll all realize when your son born. The true AH is your mom telling you to stay quiet, and then being upset you didn’t go! It’s your life and your choice. Like wtf.
NTA, and I am so sorry that you are going through this. Your mother is a huge AH and insensitive beyond words. As difficult as it might be, honesty is the best way to go. Let your friends know what has happened. If you can’t tell them (it could be by email), then is there a close friend who you could tell and could let the others know that there was a very good reason why you did not go? Again, I’m so sorry, and I hope you carry your other son to term. What a difficult situation.
Definitely NTA. You lost one of your twins and your doc said to chill and avoid stress. Skipping the baby shower makes total sense you’re grieving! Your mom’s mad about gifts and her image, which is kinda selfish. Your friends don’t get it yet, but you don’t have to explain right now. Focus on you and your baby.
Absolutely NTA. Your mother sounds incredibly self absorbed.
YTA you needed to find a way to cancel it.
You did not need to explain why immediately.
NTA. Your mother should have cancelled it.
Everyone else should be ashamed of themselves.
You’re NTA towards your mother.
Slight YTA to the guests, just tell them it’s cancelled. No explanation, obviously you’re dealing with an insanely difficult moment, but please reach out and tell everyone not to put on makeup, hire sitters, get dressed, drive long distances to come to this “shower”. You still owe it to the people in your life to not do that to them.
NTA at all
I’m so sorry, your mom is horrible. She should’ve informed the guests. If you’re comfortable and whenever you’re up for it, I’d inform your friends why you didn’t go just to clear it up but do that on your own timeline.
NTA- simple generic blanket text/email. If you can’t do it- ask a friend to help you- you don’t need to go into detail.
‘We would like to apologize for our/my inability to attend the shower on Saturday. On Thursday we were informed one of the babies will be born sleeping. At our doctor’s instruction, in order to process this loss, grieve & provide the best environment we can for what is now a very high risk pregnancy we had to make the difficult decision to not be there. We ask for your understanding & privacy at this time’
Cut & paste- that is all- it might be better to have a trusted friend do it from their phone ‘on behalf of _____, I was asked to share this message…’ that way your friend can be the contact point & you can have some peace.
And anyone that gives you grief- just go NC.
NTA, your mom was horrible about that. Your friends may not understand right now, but when you’re ready to tell them why they’ll be understanding. You make sure they knew your mom was aware too, your mom should have gently provided a statement you wouldn’t be attending due to a sudden medical concern or made some other excuse for why you weren’t there.
I’m sorry your going through this ma
Why would you even listen to your mother after you heard those words leave her lips?! Don’t be letting her babysit remaining child with her views. You should send that note that the other commenter posted otherwise people will keep asking about the twins. That note sent to most should slow down most of the commenters hopefully. My mother was a twin that doctors said absorbed her twin on her ovary. I was a twin and we were 3 months premature and doctors in 1964 didn’t know I was twin until after they were dealing with my birth at less than 2 lbs., and my mom kept saying something is wrong and they went back over to her discovered my identical twin sister and so she did not live long after. When I was pregnant with only one working ovary, they said you weigh less than day you were pregnant & fetus is weighing less than 2 lbs at 6 months along. Baby is high risk. So your baby can have your outcome or your sisters. Your choice. Of course I did recommended Complete bed rest & I had to stop working. No income last until baby born emergency C-section. They started foreclosure on house day ambulance took us to hospital. The house can’t love you back, but have a son I love dearly. He is now 29! You can do this…friends will come and go, but your child is your priority. But with a mind set like your mother’s, there is no way she should ever see your child unsupervised. She cannot be trusted. Because while you can see the nasty way she thought about how you embarrassed her & her greed about double gifts ignoring baby that passed. What’s most important is the things her mind thinks that she doesn’t share with you that are probably scarier that what she was comfortable with saying to you out loud, which far outweighs any apology she could give, & I doubt she thinks that she even owes… Be strong, you will be a mother soon & you will truly feel what I am trying to stress- do not let her see your child unsupervised. I don’t care if she flings that but “I’m the grandmother” title around. Protect your own.
NTA, but your mother is. That shower should have been immediately cancelled, by your mother. Period. You should not have been expected to show up, or to cancel it yourself under the circumstances.
How could your mother expect you to show up and pretend everything is fine while surrounded by gifts for twins! It is unfathomable that she even wanted to put you in that position.
Your mother embarrassed herself.
When you are ready to let the others know about your loss, they will understand. Your mother is the odd one here, no reasonable person would have asked you to show up for that.
NTA and it might be a good time to reflect on how involved your mom should be of she’s making this about herself. That won’t get better after the baby is born. Time to establish solid boundaries now.
NTA. When you are up to it, you should let the guests know. Your mom could have made your apologies (if there was not time to cancel) and just simply said the doctor had put you on bed rest or advised against travel.
NTA Updateme
Damn I hate your mother.
Nta it is perfectly understandable that you didn’t attend it.
I hope there aren’t anymore complications and that your son comes out healthy.
INFO: Did you tell your mom you weren’t going to attend or did you no show?
NTA but you need to tell people why you didn’t attend. It’s painful, and my heart goes out to you, but you don’t want your mother to spin the narrative.
NTA. Just conference in your friends and lean on them for support!
NTAH
You shouldn’t be guilt tripped for losing your child. Please talk to your close, trusted friends about what happened so you can get some sort of support. It doesn’t sound like your mom can do that.
NTA at all. But you do need to tell people why you weren’t there when you feel up to it. I’m so sorry.
So your mom had you when she was only 15? Sorry for your loss.
NTA, everyone else sucks.
Who the crap doesn’t check in immediately on a pregnant friend that missed their party??? Id be texting your bf like crazy to make sure youre safe and then immediately offer to clean or whatever you need while dealing with this.
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I am so very sorry
When I read the headline, I was like, yeah – but considering what you went through. NTA! Everything happens for a reason. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.
I’m sorry for your loss and this added stress
NTA but your mother is. She is literally not a mother, sorry, but is the truth.
NTA. What kind of friends do you have? Did know think “wow something must be really wrong for her not to come to her shower. I should see if she’s okay.” They just start attacking you.
It is beyond concerning that your mom is worried about gifts and not the your health and your baby’s health. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Your mom could have been so much more supportive and chose instead to be … this. You’re NTA and I’m so sorry for your loss.
Did you inform the people attending you were not going to show up ahead of the party? If your mother was hosting was she made aware ahead of time si she could canc
If no, then unfortunately YTA. If you did tell them (or your mother did t care to tell them) with some notice and NTA
Sorry for your situation
NTA and I am so sorry that you have to go through this
I hope all goes well with the birth of your child
Your mother seems to have serious issues. She had you when she was a teenager age 15. Do you know if she ever had a baby shower herself ? Is it possible that she is acting this way for like a substitute of something that she either never had herself or she was very disappointed about?
I’m so sorry for your loss. NTA, your mother is a bitch. Greedy, self absorbed, tone deaf, inconsiderate…
NTAH. Your mother handled this situation horribly! If she was set on still having the party she should have informed the guest you were dealing with pregnancy complications. She did not need to give details. I am curious what was she telling people when they were asking where you were? If I went to a baby shower and the future mother didn’t show up I would be instantly concerned. Not texting anger that I showed up to and future mother didn’t. Your friends are AH also.
Sorry for your loss and the stress of family and friends.
You have a 38 y o mom?
NTA- wow!!!! Your mom is evil. You just lost a baby!!!! And she wants gifts??? She’s not even sad you lost a baby? I absolutely would have cancels the shower. A shower can be done even after a baby comes. If people knew what happened they would be on your side. Your mom (if she was the host) should have canceled it until you were ready. I personally would cut her off right now. You need people on your side who will bring peace and comfort. I am so sorry for your loss.
Your baby died and you’re wondering if you’re an AH for following drs orders and also because you are actively grieving? You should not hold any shame or guilt or anything over what happened to one of your little ones. I would suggest being more open and honest with your friends and family so they can understand where you are coming from and not try to guilt you over setting aside time for you. It may have been difficult to verbalize and admit to others what happened before the shower occurred, but that would have been the fair way to go about canceling your shower. NTA
Twins get more gifts? Wow
NTA. I’m so sorry for your loss. May his little angel self watch over you and his brother ❤️
NTA
Your mom is an asshole. I would bar her from being at the hospital too
You don’t need the stress
NTA. I am so sorry for your loss! Maybe you can have someone close to you tell everyone for you? The baby’s dad or a best friend? Then let them all know what you need. Maybe you want to be home alone etc.
I am sorry your mom is so heartless.
Protip: Never, ever listen to your mother again. There is something wrong with her.
NTA; your mother is UNHINGED. Do not listen to her selfish perspective. You do whatever you gotta do to get through this. Nothing else matters.
Also maybe block your mother, you don’t need that kind of energy in your life right now. Sending you love during this difficult time.
NTA, and I am so, so sorry for your loss. Your mother’s response is unconscionably cruel. I hope you get the love and support you deserve in order to process this.
NTA. Your mom knew, but wanted you to attend anyway and say nothing about your loss; so I take it she held the shower expecting you to attend and never gave the guests your regrets or reason for not attending. Your mom is irresponsible, rude, selfish, and the AH. And now it’s up to you to inform people and make apologies re the shower, unfortunately.
I’m sorry for your loss.
NTA. OMG. I am so sorry
Wait, your mum was 15 when she had you???
I am so deeply sorry for your loss, OP. I’ve been there myself. May your pregnancy proceed gently and complication-free. NTA.
I would be saying things to your mother that would get me banned from Reddit in about 2 seconds flat.
How thoughtless and horrid and rapacious of her.
NTA
NTA for not attending, but I can see why the guests who didn’t know the reason were upset. Your mother should have cancelled the event or let the guests know there was a medical situation (no need to go into detail).
I had a vanishing twin and that was so hard with so many mixed emotions. (I cannot even imagine stillborn. I lost my second at 9 weeks so not comparable to 7 months by any stretch) people would tell me “at least you still have a baby” uh yeah but that doesn’t replace my loss.
Hugs 💕 all the well wishes to you and your other baby that he is delivered healthy. 💕
NTA. I am so sorry. Please take care of your yourself.