I would really like your thoughts, but please be kind.
My (40M) child is almost 4 now. Her mother (39F) and I only had one child. About a week and a half before my wife was scheduled to be induced, I started having pain in my testicles. It grew rapidly and I went to the doctor. My doctor felt like I probably had an infection in my prostate.
I was prescribed some antibiotics and told to just keep using Advil for the pain. The antibiotics made me very sick. I changed them twice, but each type made me vomit. I finally just needed to push through and take the full round. I threw up for several days straight. I got to the point where I was sleeping for maybe an hour a day and was unable to lay flat (acid reflux) or eat without vomiting.
My pain radiated throughout my genitals and that region (legs, buttocks, etc.) and I was having a hard time walking. A couple days before my very pregnant wife’s induction, I cried with my head in her lap and told her I was scared I wouldn’t be able to be at the hospital. She told me to not worry about it and that I should just plan to be there as much as I can.
It was during the COVID hospital restrictions, so only myself, my mother, and her mother were able to come into the hospital. The day of her induction, I took her into the hospital at 6 am and stayed until about 10 or 11. Her mother was there and I had my mother take me home so I could rest and throw up there.
I was ready to leave at a calls notice if there was any movement with our child being born.
I came back about 7 or 8 PM and stayed for 2 more hours. She had not dilated much at all and so I left and went back home to try to sleep some and vomit as needed.
At 8 am the next morning, my Mom got a call that my wife was being prepped for a c-section. We left immediately. At this point, I needed to be pushed in a wheelchair because I couldn’t walk more than 25 feet or so without having to sit due to the pain. I arrived in the OR (in that stupid wheelchair) just as my child was being lifted out of my wife’s womb. I even held her for a few minutes while they were closing up my wife.
I stayed until about noon, after my wife got into her hospital room. Her mother had not gone home throughout all of this so she finally went home to get some sleep. Once in her room, my wife got a little sleep too, after she sent our child down to the newborn room.
I would call and text my wife with frequency to check on her and how she was doing. She reported being fine and that the nurses were there to help any time and she could send our child to the nursery whenever she needed a break. That helped me feel good about staying home the rest of that day. The next morning I went up to the hospital for another 3 hours and then the next morning, my wife and child were discharged.
I met them at the hospital and picked them up to take them back home. It was important to me that I at least do that. Following my wife’s c-section, she spent the next several days on the couch and was unable to move a lot. I took care of her at home and took care of our child, too.
Of course, my wife had a heavier lift with our child as she breastfed, but I did anything I could. I am a father, that is my job. I don’t expect applause, I simply mention it to say that once my wife and child were home, I was able to do what needed to be done.
In hindsight, I wish I had stayed at the hospital more. At the time, I felt like the husband throwing up in the corner in constant pain would be a distraction. That may have been a silly thought, but it’s how I felt. I really believed that as long as my wife’s mother was with her (they are very close) that I was better to just be there as I could. Not to mention, that was what my wife told me. (Later she said, “what did you expect me to say when you cried in my lap?”)
Fast forward 3 years and things gradually declined between us. My wife became more and more distant and honestly, just mean towards me. Not all the time. She isn’t a horrible person or anything, but noticeably mean toward me nevertheless.
One day after she interrupted me to tel me to “shut up” in the middle of a very long and drawn out story, I asked her if she even wanted to be married to me any more. It sure did not feel like it.
She said yes she wanted to be married and seemed taken aback by the question. A few days later, she became colder than I have ever felt from someone. Example- I would go to put my hand in hers and she would yank it away like I was a stranger. This went on for about 2 months until one day she walked into the room and told me I was right, she did not want to be married to me any more.
She pretended to engage in some marital counseling that I asked her to try (2 sessions), but eventually she decided she wanted a divorce. She told me the only reason was because of what happened around our child’s birth. She said that she felt abandoned by me. For the first time I heard about how she would hold our child for hours without any help, so long that her arms would go numb and she couldn’t move to hit the call button for a nurse.
She told me how alone she felt. She told me how she didn’t want to send our child down to the nursery again after that first time and that she had spent so long and was so tired and sore (24 hrs of labor and surgery). My heart broke hearing how badly I had hurt her. I still feel so awful. I wish I had made different a different choice.
My now ex-wife have been living apart for a year now. Our divorce was finalized in June.
As to what was wrong with me- turns out there was no infection. The antibiotics were absolutely pointless, which was rather annoying to hear. I could have dealt with the pain, but the vomiting was next level. The doctors eventually diagnosed me with a chronic pain condition that I still deal with today. The assumption was that it was caused by anxiety and the fact that I tense my muscles so bad, it caused things to shift and pull on body parts and places that would not normally be shifted or pulled.
I have anxiety issues so I accepted that as the reason, especially because it gets worse when I have more anxiety. Since our separation, More recently, I found out it’s actually a nerve problem (and possibly exacerbated or triggered by anxiety). I received a nerve block shot and that was one of the more helpful treatments I have had in the past 4 years.
So anyway, this was a lot longer than expected but I wanted to at least give this much context. For anyone who read all this and made it this far, AITAH?
Edit:
Based on some of the initial comments, I get the feeling some that follow this page think AITAH means that one or the other must be. I don’t mean for this to be a- “who is the AH, me or my ex-wife”- scenario.
I really just want to know if you thought I was the AH. I have since the moment she told me about it.
I guess feel free to share if you think my ex-wife was the AH, but I want to clarify, I don’t think she was. Not for anything that happened around our child’s birth, at least. She had her share of AH things she did in the waning years of our marriage and so did I. Like any two people in a marriage though, though, nothing over the top.
I know my ex-wife is a good person. We were together for almost 15 years. I know she is not an AH and even in an anonymous account, I feel like I need to make sure that is stated.
Comments
You’re divorced, the marriage is over. Trying to determine if you were an asshole or not really wont do you any good.
You need to work these feelings out in therapy, not try and assign blame.
she would hold our child for hours without any help, so long that her arms would go numb and she couldn’t move to hit the call button for a nurse.
Anyone who has ever been in the hospital, visited someone in a hospital, watched a hospital show on tv or has heard about hospitals knows that this is a lie. Anyone who has just had a baby, just had surgery, visited someone who just had a baby or surgery knows that this is a lie.
NTA
That’s a really sad story. You already know you were the AH here, but you can’t change it now. Your wife laboured and then had a cesarean section in essence without you. You should have sucked it up and pushed through, which is exactly that she was doing. From the timeline, you spent more time at home ‘resting’ than doing your job as a husband and father. I get you weren’t well but that was nothing compared to what your wife was dealing with both physically and emotionally. She should have identified it way before her resentment built to that level.
NTA. I can understand your wife’s feelings to a certain extent, but it’s not like you checked out, you were going through some things yourself, you did the best you could.
As a side note, look into pelvic floor dysfunction. Anything that affects the pelvis, whether bowels, prostrate, bladder or uterus, can cause pelvic floor dysfunction. The pain can be life changing, but can be managed.
Honestly, I’m going with she’s the asshole. Had she spoken up sooner and not let her resentment build for 4 years your marriage likely would have been salvageable.
No, I don’t think that you were. I think you did the best you could in a bad situation. That doesn’t mean that your wife was TA either. The whole thing was just unfortunate.
I don’t feel like you were an asshole. You were in pain too. It was a different pain but you were not healthy. From what you wrote it sounds like you were helpful and there for her once she was at home. Did she really want you in her hospital room throwing up? I feel like she should have said something sooner so you could have gotten counseling to help work through it. She let it fester and by the time she said something she had let build up for so long she exploded. Sorry this happened to you.
NTA. I’m surprised they let you in the maternity ward, I’d have thought with all the COVID precautions they would kept a puking man away from the medically fragile newborns and moms.
I’m sorry you are still dealing with this pain.
I mean, i think she owed it to you to be honest first of all. My husband and I have 3 kids, so we’ve been through the whole labor and delivery thing a few times. Our last experience was the worst because my husband had a broken leg from a work accident and was laid up in a wheelchair with a bunch of pins in it. Non weight baring. He was with me until my sister got there, and then his mom took him home to rest. Once it was getting time to push, his mother rushed him back(only possible because we only lived 10 minutes from our birth center). After our baby was born, he stayed for several hours, but I wasn’t allowed to be released, and neither was our baby due to some minor issues. After a while, I could tell he was in a lot of pain even though he didn’t want to leave. I sent him home. Baby and I ended up needing to stay for 3 nights, and he spent the majority of the time home. It sucked but whenever I was lonely or having a hard time, I could call him, my sister, my MIL whenever to come help me. I was honest with him through it all. When we came home, he couldn’t do much, so he got assigned diaper duties and laundry folding as well as burping. If I ever felt like he wasn’t pulling his weight, I’d communicate that kindly, and he would step it up as much as he could.
As far as I can tell, neither of you are assholes per say but your wife owed it to you to have a conversation about the resentment and seek therapy. Its normal for women in post partum to have resentment towards their spouses. It’s an extremely hard and draining time, and although you sound like an active father. You simply can’t understand the trauma her body went through. It’s just a bad situation all around, but the best thing you can do is work on building a solid co parenting relationship with her.
NTA, it sounds like you did everything you could. You felt terrible and still spent hours at her side, driving back and forth between home and the hospital. Was it ideal? No, but you were vomiting and in pain.
When I gave birth to my kids, I didn’t expect my husband to be there 100% of the time. In fact, I pushed him to get some sleep at home. There was no point in both of us being exhausted.
I don’t understand why she held the baby until her arms were numb if (a) her mother was with her the entire time and (b) the hospital nursery was available; the nursery is there for a reason – to give moms a break. That was HER choice, not a necessity.
I sent all my babies to the nursery at night so I could get some rest. Being tired and grumpy doesn’t do the mom or baby any good.
To throw all that in your face after 4 years, during which you were presumably an active, helpful father, makes zero sense. I mean, military wives give birth without their husbands by their side all the time. Your wife sounds a bit spoiled and unstable.
ETA: Plus this was all during Covid. I’m shocked the hospital let you stay at all. The paranoia over any potentially contagious disease was sky high.
During COVID and they let you in the hospital while you were vomiting????PULEEZE!
Man, talk about bad timing. It’s like your body decided to throw a party while your wife was having her own life-changing event. But hey, at least now you’ve got some solid experience for future parenting adventures minus the vomit.
What happened to you was an extremely unfortunate confluence of events. I think you were trying your best to be there for your wife, under difficult circumstances. You were in pain, and sick. Your wife was giving birth, and also in great pain. I’m curious if your ex really knew what your physical condition was at the time. The problem is that neither of you were wrong. Just a lousy situation! NTA
NTA. I can understand why she felt the way she felt, but she needed to speak up far sooner. Resentment is a marriage killer. You were both going through medical things at the same time, during a difficult period of time in health care, where visitation was limited. It really sucked for both of you.
What she should have said when you cried in her lap was the truth, even though it would have been a hard truth to hear. She lied to you instead.
It’s probably for the best that this relationship is over. Just focus on co-parenting your child as amicably as possible.
NTA, During Covid, I can’t imagine hospital staff being letting you stay when you’re constantly vomitting. It sounds like you any your ex had a communication problem. Treating someone coldly while not telling them what is wrong will lead to resentment festering and destroy the relationship. Telling someone it’s okay if you’re not at the hospital, when you’re not okay and holding it against them isn’t fair. You should go to therapy to work on your anxiety. I would also use it to work on how to communicate effectively with your ex so you guys can coparent well.
If you were vomiting that badly, I wouldn’t have wanted you anywhere near me or our newborn baby.
The chances of picking up anything in hospital is bad enough, and that’s without your sick husband being trapped in the same room as you.
If she held a grudge for that long without discussing it with you then she’s definitely TA.
You made the best out of a bad situation, and she was aware of what may happen as you’d previously discussed it. NTA!
You have chronic pain, not the AH, but at the same time, you can’t change the way she felt.
giving birth is hard and scary. HOWEVER your ex is the AH for NEVER properly communicating with you and letting her feelings fester into the point she grew to hate you and broke up the family. 🥴
NTA. My husband came down with some weird stomach issue shortly before I gave birth. He would spend all night in the bathroom with diarrhea and stomach pain. It actually lasted a year before he found out he had suddenly become allergic to coffee and turkey.
I was induced 6 weeks early and he fell
Asleep during my labor. I wasn’t mad. He was in pain and wasn’t getting sleep. He woke up when it was time to push and was there and went with our child to NICU. He did go
Home to rest and have diarrhea in peace. I loved him and wanted him better. I didn’t blame him. I didn’t hold it against him. It was not his fault. Your wife was awful. You didn’t do this on purpose. You went to her c section in a wheel chair for gods sake.
Women will never forget how they were treated during their delivery and postpartum.
I don’t think you’re an asshole but I don’t think this is something you’re going to be able to fix.
Go to therapy if you feel the guilt of this will exacerbate your existing anxiety.
NTA. You did your best during significant pain.
Don’t listen to anyone justifying your actions. You absolutely were the ah. Your ex should have spoken up more, but you also shouldn’t have even put her in that position where she needed to. Everything you experienced is only a fraction of what most women experience in pregnancy. But you dealt with it for a much shorter duration. I’m sure it absolutely sucked, but I can assure you it was not close to what your ex was enduring at the same time. She could have communicated more, but you also could have been more aware on your own. It doesn’t take an engineering degree to figure out that labor is hard. It can be boring just waiting in the room for hours but can you imagine doing that without your spouse? All I see are excuses throughout your story. Bottom line, you are the ah and everyone saying you’re not clearly can’t sympathize with how difficult and scary labor and delivery can be. Especially with a c-section.
NTA
You were in pain and did your best to be there for her, and also called to see if she was ok.
Your ex should have been better at communicating her needs with you. If she keep her attitude, she could run into similar issue with her new relationship.
My husband and I had a rough patch for a few years, first it was due to young kids and we fell into a rut, then my husband had depression. We are much better now, but if we had both communicated sooner how we felt and the emotional connection we need from each other, we could have sorted ourselves sooner.
Dude.
No.
You were NTA.
You were having an extremely bad reaction to antibiotics and were in pain — for something misdiagnosed at that. And despite that all, you were going abck adn forth the entire time. She did not communicate to you that she was feeling lonely and anxious after the birth — that is on her.
You have zero things to feel bad about here.
Hope the nerve blocker worked.
I don’t think any of you are the asshole honestly.
i don’t think you did anything wrong regarding the birth of your child. you were quite sick and still spent a good deal of time in the hospital with your wife and baby anyway. you did the best that you could while suffering with an unknown ailment. it’s just a sad situation you couldn’t avoid.
She isn’t divorcing you solely because of the delivery fiasco; she’s made the decision that she can no longer bear the weight of your situation. While anxiety is a challenging battle for those who experience it, it also places an immense strain on family members who are thrust into roles as caregivers, psychologists, coaches, and drivers for that person.
Seek therapy to address your anxiety and cope with the grief from the divorce.
You can still being an amazing Dad, just get help.
NTA, you were sick, there was nothing you could do about it. She could’ve postponed being induced when you got sick, she didn’t do that. She also wasn’t honest about what she was feeling and went through, which built resentment. She’s the ahole for building resentment instead of communicating.
I’m sorry that happened to you and your wife. NTA
As a woman who just gave birth and almost died doing so. Yeah bro. You’re the ah. You don’t think she had pain? That she was scared? Etc? Why did you even leave her? Legit it low key doesn’t matter that you weren’t feeling well, neither was she. Giving birth is traumatic and scary and the fact that you’re even asking means you know the answer. I know people will disagree, but I’m willing to bet most of them are men. You have no idea what women go through bringing life into this world but you couldn’t be there because you felt sick? Mmmmk. Yeah idk bro. You sound mad selfish to me. I guarantee whatever you were feeling isn’t a fraction of what she went through bringing your child into the world.
People can’t think clearly when they’re in pain. Your choices weren’t the best, but you wouldn’t have made them had you been pain free. What if you’d ended up if the hospital with your condition while she was 9 months? Would you have expected someone 9 mos pregnant to sit with you in the hospital, which would clearly be extremely uncomfortable? No. Of course not.
NTA Sounds like you were trying to do what you thought was the best thing to do in 2020 which was a hard year to make decisions in regards to hospitals and such. It would seem that your now ex-wife instead of addressing her anger and resentment immediately let it build until it got to the point of no return. You, she, and your child all lost out because of a difficult situation and a failure to communicate. I’m so sorry.
Hopefully, going forward you and she can resolve your communication issues and be great parents and have an excellent co-parenting relationship for the rest of your lives. Your child is always going to need two strong cohesive parents who loves them to infinity and beyond! Co-parenting doesn’t stop once they graduate or get married.
Best of luck with your chronic pain condition. I deal with a chronic pain issue myself and living with pain isn’t easy.