I was engaged to my ex (P) and we have been together since 3 years. To make it short: i found out she was having an affair with her older boss and when i knew it (more like checked her phone) i called off the wedding and made everyone knew the reason. (Her work too about her “late night meetings”)
From then i spent months being herassed by P at my home, at my gym, at my work and even at my parents house until i had to obtain a restraing order against her and her mother because basically i couldn’t go out without “accidentally” meeting her and her raging at me because she lost her job since everyone knew about her and her boss.
And coming to point of this post just a week ago i got the news that she killed herself and left a note blaming me for her “ruined life” since most of our friends sided with me but her parents were somehow, don’t ask me how delusional they are, convinced that we could just have talked and sorted things out like nothing happened.
So again since a week i’m being herassed by calls and texts with people accusing me of not caring about my ex and being so cold hearted to “not even bother to come to a poor girl’s funeral”.
Bu honestly i don’t feel bad and i don’t feel any guilt for what she did because she was the one that had an affair with her boss, she was the one that got a restraing order and she was the one that decided to kill herself. So fuck no, i’m not feeling guilty.
AITAH? Should I feel something different?
Comments
NTA – she as an ex for a reason
Nah man, you’re not the asshole here.
She cheated, harassed you, forced you into getting a restraining order, and then tried to shift the blame for her choices onto you in her note. That’s not on you – that’s on her. Suicide is tragic, yes, but it doesn’t erase what she did to you or make you responsible for her decisions.
People saying you should’ve gone to the funeral or cared more don’t understand the abuse you went through. They’re looking at it from the outside and only seeing “poor girl died young” instead of the reality of how she treated you.
NTA. Everything was her own fault.
NTA
Someone dying is a tragedy but you are fully right to not care if you don’t want to. This person wronged you in the past and you moved on with your life. The fact they couldn’t is on them and their loved ones, not you.
NTA
She’s an ex and no reason to care about exs, especially ones who cheat on you
NTA: Ask those who blame you why they don’t blame your ex’s boss, who used his position of power to start an affair with his subordinate?
She couldn’t live with the consequences of her own actions and didn’t seek help. You are not to blame. It is curious though that you don’t seem to be grieving the loss of the relationship. This is someone you were engage to and presumably loved. NTA but you may want to seek counseling just to talk over the relationship with and the impact on you if for no other reason than to seek closure.
NTA. Yeah she should have got therapy.
NTA but you should report her family for harassment
NTA – she ruined her own life, she was hiding her guilt/realisation she messed up by turning it to blame, which you can’t be held accountable for.
No, you shouldn’t feel any different. A lot of people would feel the same
NTA. Give it a bit of time, everything will quiet and people will go back to living their lives.
You’ve done nothing wrong, OP. Block the people harassing you and if they won’t stop, have them charged.
Keep living your best life, OP. I’m sorry you’re going through this and you have nothing to feel guilty about. None of this is your fault.
When people call harassing you ask if they were prompted to call on behalf of the people you have a restraining order against, that you’ve recorded the call and will include it in the next court date against your stalkers. Ideally record them and screenshot any texts as further evidence to keep the restraining order against ex’s mom.
NTA
NTA! So your ex has an affair with her boss and it’s somehow YOUR fault?! Her parents and anyone on her side are definitely delusional. Why aren’t they blaming the boss?
She close to stalk you. She needed therapy and chose to k*** herself. Her parents are looking to blame someone because they don’t want to find fault with their child. I get it, but they aren’t living in reality.
Don’t go to the funeral. You will be attacked. I’d block anyone blaming you. If they continue to harass you, I’d go to the cops.
NTA, anyone who hates you for not caring about your ex can go fuck themselves
Any calls get lawyer to send cease and desist or other legal remedies
Who gives a fk what she did? SHE did it, not you. I wouldn’t feel bad nor care if I were you. She made decisions that effectively scream you weren’t shit to her so screw her. It seems she had problems accepting responsibility for things she did, that’s on her.
In short, no, you shouldn’t feel bad at all. If someone calls and harasses you about not feeling however way tell them damn straight hang up and block their number
NTA. She cheated on you despite plans to get married. That kills all emotions instantly. There’s no forgiveness, no mercy, no understanding required. She knew what she was doing. She just didn’t like the consequences of her actions.
She and her mother needed counseling to understand why infidelity is unacceptable.
Her death is unfortunate, but it was her choice and you do not have to pretend to care in order to make others feel better.
Did her affair partner attend the funeral? Are they harassing him as well.
NTA she was your ex. You are not responsible for her mental health and the resulting actions of her decline.
You have no reason to feel guilty and had no reason to attend her funeral.
NTA. She chose to have an affair with her boss, so the consequences of that coming out are on her, not you. It likely would have come out even if you hadn’t revealed it, I’m positive there were already rumours if she was having ‘late night meetings’ with him.
Suicide also isn’t caused by a singe incident. It’s caused by serious mental health issues that have been around a very long time and become too much to handle. It seems she chose to try and cause you further harm at the same time by blaming you for her actions and choices, but whatever caused her suicide, it wasn’t you or getting fired, it was something that existed in her before you guys met.
Also, why would you go to her funeral? She’s an ex, no longer part of your life at all, and she betrayed you, hurt you, stalked and harassed you. Even if you did have sympathy for whatever she was going through, feel sad that she killed herself, going to her funeral would have been a bad idea for everyone. It’s good that you stayed away. Especially with her blaming you like that.
How you feel is how you feel, there is no ‘should’. We can’t just magically change how we feel about something. If you feel nothing about your ex or her death, that’s just how it is. And she’s the reason for it. Not you.
Document everything from this new harassment campaign and make sure you report it. You can get a restraining order against anyone harassing you. At the least, you can get a lawyer to contact these people and hopefully scare them into stopping.
You’re not responsible for her ruining (and then ending) her own life.
She made really poor choices, and hurt you, the one person she swore she’d be faithful to and cherish for the rest of her life.
Tell the flying monkeys to eff off. Block them. File restraining orders if you have to.
NTA
If she wrote a note blaming you for her death (FYI – not your fault) it stands to reason you SHOULDN’T be at the funeral??
Well well well, if it isn’t the consequences of her own actions.
NTA. You walked away and washed your hands of the mess. She made all of the choices on her own. Actions have consequences. She couldn’t live with hers. Block her parents, restraining order, whatever you need to do for peace in your life. Anyone giving you crap about this needs to be removed from your world completely as well.
NTA. Her decision to end her life bc of her poor choices were all on her. Her family just wants someone to blame and it’s easier to lash out at you instead of admitting she was not this wonderful person who made a mistake they believe she was.
Nta
It’s a sad situation. But our own choices bring on our own consequences.
Sounds like she was selfish to her very last breath.
You shouldnt feel anything but relief that you discovered what she truly was before you wound up being married to her.
NTA
But this is one of the few occasions where I think placing a serious post on your social media, if you have it, would benenfit your peace.
Something like
You’re sorry to hear your ex sadly took her life. (No more sad than any other stranger, but don’t say that)
You’re also very sorry she did not get the help she clearly needed, after your breakup.
It’s a very emotional time for you. And you would appreciate ppl giving you space to process the news your ex’s passing.
For the ppl that are not aware of your history, you ended your engagement, after finding out your ex’s infidelity. And eventually had to get a restraining order against her, as she did not know how to process the falling out, and the shame of having her infidelity become public.
Contrary to what ppl believe, you could not have supported your ex, if you wanted to, because of the restraining order you sadly had to get to protect your peace.
It’s very u fortunate that your ex did not know how many ppl did support her. (Little dig at ‘where the eff were the ppl that are now harrassing you, when your ex was still alive)
Wish her family and loved ones much strength.
And be done with it.
NTA – Wonder if her boss was at the funeral.
You cut it off clean for food reason. Don’t bother yourself with other people’s words . Live your best life guilt free !
NTA. It’s not your fault she didn’t seek help. Her family and friends blame you but what did they do to help her? She was her own person and sadly couldn’t handle the mess she made. Please seek therapy on your behalf. It will help you take steps to move on and might help you get to a safer place.
NTA- you owed her nothing. She was the one who chose her path.
NTA. She made her own decisions.
NTA. Time to get another restraining order on her family. And cut those friends who are bothering you out of your life.