I (27M) have a friend we’ll call J (25-26F) who I met about a year before meeting my partner G (23F). J had a boyfriend when I met her. Our friend group consisted of J, another girl, and 3 of us guys (plus J’s partner). J likes gossip, drama, etc.
J is flirtatious despite having a partner and would compliment, tease, and joke flirtatiously. She would also start to think that guys liked her, including myself and another guy in our group (maybe all?). When she got drunk, if she felt like it, she would say “he used to like me” about multiple guys, and we were all used to not correcting her (if it was about us) or not questioning it at all. If we did, she would jokingly say something like “oh so you’re saying I’m not pretty?”
As you can see, I felt like correcting her was not possible or would not help.
After I met G, I introduced her to my friends pretty early. She knew J for about two years before J started to make plans to leave the country.
One group night, most likely with drinks involved, J had said again that I used to like her before I met G, something I had not prepared G for. I remember telling G that I’m sorry for not telling her that J used to say that. She doesn’t recall me telling her.
We started to discuss this night recently and G feels hurt that J had the audacity to say that to her and feels like J shouldn’t go around telling people that, because we are in a relationship and she needs to know her boundaries. I understand and share her feelings, and I think I could have easily said something, but in the time I thought that avoiding confrontation like we have in the past was the best move.
I can personally think of 4 other guys who she said she thinks are into her or likes her, and no one ever denies it.
G thinks I should have corrected her then, but I think not making a scene or big deal was also sparing extra embarrassment for G, since I know that J wants drama. My justification for not confronting J was that our friend group is aware of how J is.
AITAH?
Side notes:
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I think she was trying to cause drama because she was leaving the country soon.
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G feels like J was/is thinking that she can get her man if she wants but J is just embarrassing herself
Comments
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I (27M) have a friend we’ll call J (25-26F) who I met about a year before meeting my partner G (23F). J had a boyfriend when I met her. Our friend group consisted of J, another girl, and 3 of us guys (plus J’s partner). J likes gossip, drama, etc.
J is flirtatious despite having a partner and would compliment, tease, and joke flirtatiously. She would also start to think that guys liked her, including myself and another guy in our group (maybe all?). When she got drunk, if she felt like it, she would say “he used to like me” about multiple guys, and we were all used to not correcting her (if it was about us) or not questioning it at all. If we did, she would jokingly say something like “oh so you’re saying I’m not pretty?”
As you can see, I felt like correcting her was not possible or would not help.
After I met G, I introduced her to my friends pretty early. She knew J for about two years before J started to make plans to leave the country.
One group night, most likely with drinks involved, J had said again that I used to like her before I met G, something I had not prepared G for. I remember telling G that I’m sorry for not telling her that J used to say that. She doesn’t recall me telling her.
We started to discuss this night recently and G feels hurt that J had the audacity to say that to her and feels like J shouldn’t go around telling people that, because we are in a relationship and she needs to know her boundaries. I understand and share her feelings, and I think I could have easily said something, but in the time I thought that avoiding confrontation like we have in the past was the best move.
I can personally think of 4 other guys who she said she thinks are into her or likes her, and no one ever denies it.
G thinks I should have corrected her then, but I think not making a scene or big deal was also sparing extra embarrassment for G, since I know that J wants drama. My justification for not confronting J was that our friend group is aware of how J is.
AITAH?
Side notes:
I think she was trying to cause drama because she was leaving the country soon.
G feels like J was/is thinking that she can get her man if she wants but J is just embarrassing herself
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
“I’m really sorry G, you’re correct saying I could have confronted her at the time. I thought the better path would be not to, due to her history, however I see that wasn’t fair to you. Again I’m sorry.”
A good apology that includes reasons without trying to justify them can go down a treat.
NAH (except J)
YTA grow a spine.
She disrespected your girlfriend right in your face and all that for a pick me on a power trip. Fight for your relationship before your girlfriend decides that she won’t stay with someone, who doesn’t give a flip.
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YTA. Why on EARTH would you not correct her?? How can you just stand by idly whilst someone says something about you that’s just not true? Unless…?
YTA. No woman wants a man that is going to allow someone to say/imply nasty things right in front of her face and have him not say anything at all. No one cares about the drama. But by you not saying anything to J then you are in fact reinforcing what she’s been saying making it true, whether it is or not.
G would be within her rights to leave you just for being linguini spined. Get some balls and put J in her place. Either you care enough to defend G or you don’t. Sack up. Jiminy Christmas, dude. SMH.
Y’all don’t correct her because she’s right…
YTA – for all the reasons your girlfriend is trying to tell you. Your friend is acting like a nasty mother in law for gods sake. You can either shut J up, stop hanging around her or break up and find a gf who will put up with J’s snarkiness.
Bro grow a pair. YTA
yta obviously lol
Why are you even friends with J? She sounds like an obnoxious, arrogant, drama queen. No one needs that. YTA
YTA you’re proving her right lol, anyone that doesn’t defend their relationship against a potential home-wrecker needs to grow up
YTA. You have no spine, neither do the other guys or group whatever btw, but you have your girlfriend there and allow a catty “friend” to do that? You are shameful. I really do hope your girlfriend realizes you are not a good boyfriend, not worth the time, and finds someone who wouldn’t value or entertain a “friend” like that.
That girl is a pick me and you and your group of friends are just enabling her. I think you all low-key like the attention you get from her and so you entertain it. But you’re doing it at an expense to your future partners. No self-respect would put up with this. You’re lucky that your partner has for this long.
What if this was a guy doing it to her?
If it’s not true, next time, tell J, « yeah, ok just, we all know, In your mind, everyone always liked you, whatever . I could never like a drama queen like you. Quit trying to start shit” with a nice eye roll and laugh. Then you don’t have to say she is pretty or not. But if she does say it, tell her, not on the inside.
I feel like you do owe your gf an apology though and you need to stand up for her in the future. Don’t be afraid to stand up to J even if it makes a scene.
> “he used to like me”
You: No I didn’t
> “oh so you’re saying I’m not pretty?”
You: Not as pretty as G
YTA. You are almost 30 years old, use your words!
Shut her down asap then change the topic. Leave if needed.
Being nice and being weak are two completely different things
YTA, if this a “funny” little inside joke within y’all group that is one thing, but the fact she said this to your GF and you did not check her is spinless. You clearly value J feelings over your partners.
You need to start correcting her and if she pulls the not pretty thing, I’d say “Platonically speaking, you’re alright / pretty – but the drama mongering isn’t a good look, if that’s what you’re worried about.
i’m not gonna lie IMO ESH.
J sucks for intentionally creating drama and making everyone uncomfortable so that she can be the centre of attention.
You and your “guy” friends ALL suck for tolerating behaviour that makes you all uncomfortable “because it’s easier” and then getting frustrated when your girlfriend isn’t okay ignoring the discomfort being forced on her.
this whole situation sucks, and I think the only person who might not suck is G, but that’s really hard to tell. It shouldn’t matter who you used to have feelings for, you’ve made your choice. So on the one hand I can understand it being hurtful/whatever that she doesn’t take that at face value. But dude, if you look at what you’ve been willing to tolerate to “keep the peace” IMO it’s WAY too much, and if someone I had been dating asked me to ignore my discomfort in the way you did (completely dismissing it and treating it like it’s invalid), I’d be questioning the relationship.
Not because of J’s actions, but because of how you didn’t support G at all and instead treated it like you were being forced in the middle of “two people” when in reality, you just don’t care to handle the situation that you also don’t like.
Idk, i get that J sucks, but holy hell dude be an active participant in your life.
Mother of God, how spineless can you be.
From how you write, it seems like you totally did have a major crush on J, but now resent her for never giving you a chance or something? This reads entirely spiteful and yet somehow cowardly af.
You not immediately shutting that nonsense down just tells everyone that J is right – first and foremost, your girlfriend, whom that was extremely disrespectful towards.
You are a shitty boyfriend, OP. And you clearly are still holding out hope that J will give you a chance (she will never, just fyi, she just likes the attention and the fact that you are all fawning over her).
YTA
“not causing drama” = “not standing up for your gf and letting J always get away with her crap”
Start growing a spine or don’t bother getting into relationships if you let a friend disrespect your gf this way. Because when you don’t say anything, then J will just take that as permission and that she can go on with her antics and no one will stop her.
YTA. Dont be weak
YTA. Your gf is absolutely right. You basically spared Js feelings and hurt your GFs. I wouldn’t want to be with a man who put other woman ahead of me. Why is J in your group if she’s clearly this awful???
YTA. This is small potatoes. If you’re this spineless with small stuff, how are you going to be when the bigger stuff comes along?
Sorta TA: No, you’re not an outright asshole, but you did choose comfort over clarity, and that’s where the damage was done. G’s not mad about J. She’s mad that when J disrespected y’all’s bond, you didn’t push back.
So what now?
Tell G she’s right. That you downplayed something she had every right to be hurt by. And next time undermines your relationship, you will say something. Even if it’s uncomfortable. Especially then.
Final verdict: NAH, leaning toward soft YTA. Not for liking J or having a flirty friend, but for choosing passivity over partnership when it counted.
YTA. This woman disrespected your girlfriend to her face, she routinely disrespects you by telling lies about you in public and responding to your very subtle (lol) hints that that makes you uncomfortable with blatant manipulation, and she also disrespects all your friends the same way. Why are you even friends with her? What does she add to your life that a well-behaved potted plant would not?
I used to like hot dogs until I tried filet.
What does it matter if you used to like her or be interested in her??!!
J sounds very immature, like high school
YTA, 100%. Why do you care more about sparing J’s feelings than G’s? Or is J one of those cool “one of the guys” type of girls that y’all just really like to have around because she strokes your ego and likes gaming/music/sports/whatever your group is into? Whatever the reason, you absolutely allowed her to disrespect your girlfriend and you for that matter. To what end? Not causing drama? Sorry, I gotta call bullshit. Apologize to your girlfriend, then grow a pair and stand up to J next time she says that.
Yikes. Read too many stories from women about their boyfriends who has this female friend who’s a total pick me and he would rather risk having arguments and being in the dog house than upset his female friend. Guess what happened to most of the guys in the end? Dumped and lost out on the best thing that happened to them then you get the other guys that ended up with said female friend.
Please have respect for your girlfriend and shut this down before she dumps your ass. Next time J says it again you tell her to stop it, it’s disrespectful to your relationship and not every guy that breathes the same air as her wants to rip her clothes off.
She keeps saying it about every guy because none of you ever corrected her so her ego is fed and she continues to make it known to everyone in pick me fashion.
YTA
Either your friend group are all spineless little boys, or you do all actually like her. Because there is absolutely no way she’d not have been corrected, and this whole thing nipped in the bud a really long time ago. If someone said I liked them and I didn’t the conversation would go like this:
Them: I know you like me
Me: I don’t
Them: So you think I’m ugly?
Me: You’re just not my type
Repreat as necessary, and remove myself from the friend if it carried on.
You need to grow tf up and sort Js behaviour out. Girls do not want immature boyfriends with girl mate dramas YTA
Two options here:
Either way YTA
YTA. You’ve fallen into the classic people pleaser trap: by desperately trying not to pick sides and keep everybody happy, you’ve just pissed off your loved one. I understand not wanting to cause a scene or create drama, but that’s kind of exactly what you did by trying to avoid it.