Me and my ex (let’s call them L) have been broken up for 3 years. During this time she has unfollowed me on social media and has not contacted me. This was hard but I understood that it was their choice. During this time L came out as trans (mtf). Months after this they contacted me and followed me again out of the blue asking if I could take down a photo that has them in it pre-transition. Now this photo in no way is about them. The photo is a time in which I met someone that is near and dear to my heart, L just happens to be in it. I don’t want to delete it for this reason, therefore I told them I would untag them from this photo. They said that was not good enough and they want me to crop them out or delete it all together. The problem is you can’t edit photos without reposting them and this photo is over 4 years old and far down on my feed. L told me I wasn’t being an alley if I don’t get rid of it. AITAH? In my mind this post isn’t about them, is old and no one looks at it, and L could just block me.
Edit: I understand this is an old photo that probably no one looks at. However it is a photo I hold near and dear to me. I got to meet someone that is still a person I look up to and this is a photo of that moment.
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Me and my ex (let’s call them L) have been broken up for 3 years. During this time she has unfollowed me on social media and has not contacted me. This was hard but I understood that it was their choice. During this time L came out as trans (mtf). Months after this they contacted me and followed me again out of the blue asking if I could take down a photo that has them in it pre-transition. Now this photo in no way is about them. The photo is a time in which I met someone that is near and dear to my heart, L just happens to be in it. I don’t want to delete it for this reason, therefore I told them I would untag them from this photo. They said that was not good enough and they want me to crop them out or delete it all together. The problem is you can’t edit photos without reposting them and this photo is over 4 years old and far down on my feed. L told me I wasn’t being an alley if I don’t get rid of it. AITAH? In my mind this post isn’t about them, is old and no one looks at it, and L could just block me.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I may be the ass hole for not being an alley and deleting an old photo of my ex that is trans. But on the other hand this photo is near and dear to me.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
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NTA. It’s right to untag her. But no – she doesn’t get to control her ex-gf’s fb feed. I would, however, save her the angst and block her. That way, she won’t be bothered by your content anymore.
There is a way to please both of you. Make the photo only viewable to you. That way L wont see it, but you can.
Why does this photo need to remain in your feed on social media?
NTA. Untagging should be enough. No one will be able to find them. An alternative is you changing the settings on who can see it.
You could take it off social media and download it to your personal collection, but that’s up to you. I don’t think you should have to.
NTA.
Their insecurity about themselves pre-transition is not your burden to carry. Asking you to take it down or crop them out wasn’t unreasonable, but the blow up about you saying no is very unreasonable. Are they gonna crash out if their parents refuse to burn every childhood photo of them too? Ridiculous.
Does having the photo off of your social media make the photo lose meaning to you? It won’t cease to exist and you can look at it any time you want on your phone or computer.
YTA. It takes 2 seconds to crop someone out. Or as someone else said make it private only to you
NTA untagging is enough
I get that the photo’s important to you, but they’re only asking you to delete it on social media, not delete it from your photo library. Why do you care?
YTA because they asked specifically for you to take it down.
>Now this photo in no way is about them.
If they’re in it, it is in part about them.
>The photo is a time in which I met someone that is near and dear to my heart,
So? Why does it need to be public? You know not everything has to be on social media, right? Are you suggesting the photo only has value if it’s public? Because if so, then it’s really not about the memory.
My most important photo memories aren’t on social media. That’s pretty normal. Privacy is valuable for a lot of reasons that people that are terminally online are going to understand too late.
> is old and no one looks at it
So save it locally and delete it. Make it private. Anything. You’re being an asshole on purpose.
YTA. If the picture is so important to you then print it out and put it in a frame and look at it every day.
ESH
Untag L, and change thé privacy settings so she can’t see it. Or get it printed out for your bedroom wall so you can enjoy it but no one else sees it and then delete.
YTA – If someone asks you to remove a picture of them, you take it down or crop them out. The reason they want you to do so is irrelevant. The only way you wnbta would be if you paid them to model and have a contract for use of their image.
if you think it’s old and no one looks at it, why can’t you delete it? you talking about how it’s near and dear to you makes it sound like deleting it means you’ll lose the photo.
NTA
It’s your property and they agreed at the time. They cannot change your history/reality.
NTA it’s your photo. Untag and block your ex.
Untag them, and then block them. Problem solved. <3
Untag and block. I take it that your account is a private one? If they still complain, then ask them why are they trying to see your social media when you have broken up.
NTA. They removed you from their life and came back only to have you remove them from photos. It’s not your responsibility to repaint the past for them. It’s understandable that for some trans people, photos from their past will be triggering, but you cannot expect to go into other people’s photos albums and alter the contents.
Can you just make the photo only visible to friends, or block her from seeing it?
INFO: why is it so essential that it be on your social media?
Save it on your computer and take it down. You still have it, but they don’t have to think about having photos of their pre-transition self online.
INFO: is the picture just you and them, or are others in it as well?
People will use all types of excuses to manipulate you into doing what they want. In this case, guilting you about not being an ally.
Like others said, untag and block them.
It’s not an inappropriate photo of them from what you say. It would be nice of you to untag them, but I don’t see how transitioning gives someone the right to direct everyone to destroy all earlier photos of them? Have other people run into this?
And if you all are no contact, just stick with that.
Save the photo your end. Why does it need to be public?
YTA
She’s not asking you to get rid of the photo. She’s asking you to not post it online. You will still have the photo.
Just take them off off your account so they won’t see it
YTA also you started calling her she and then switched to them, so I’m assuming you’re misgendering her as well. Double YTA.
NTA since you’re willing to untag. Making demands like that on exes after 3 years is…strange.
NTA
Since this is of an important moment in your life and has other people than your ex in it, you did the right thing with the untag. Saying you’re not an ally for refusing to do it in manipulative BS.
NTA.
I believe everyone has a right to be who they believe they are.
That being said, you can’t erase the past.
Pre-Transition is nothing to be ashamed of. And though I am not Tans myself and can’t fully understand what someone goes through while making thar journey. I still have to say you can only control yourself and not others.
You do not get to re-write history in other people’s stories.
It is controlling and wrong to try and micromanage other peoples socials to fit your narrative, and it does not make someone transphobic for not agreeing.
Especially in this digital age where photos and videos have become a predominant and ingrained part of our culture at this point in history.
Leave em tagged and block em. They will only accept it being taken down or you putting in extra work for their identity change. You have memories of that person as they were, not as they are now so it has meaning to you based on the image as it sits as well.
NTA.
They’ve got no business dictating how you live your life or what memories you hold, and they certainly have no business trying to guilt you into letting them dictate the rules of your life.
Block and move on
NTA
NTA. I think this is a pretty unreasonable request. Just untag them from the photo and block them. They “refriended” you probably with the intent to search your profile for pictures of them pre-transition to get you to remove them which is pretty ridiculous, especially with the context and time frame of the picture in question. I wouldn’t do it.
NTA. L needs to get a grip and not worry about photos four years down on her ex’s feed.
NTA, they are who they are regardless. We ALL have history and your offer to untag is more than sufficient..L can block you again.
NTA.. Why is the ex all over your page anyways ?
NTA. That’s your photo, your memory, your moment suspended in time. Untag and they can just sod off and not look at the photo if it hurts them so much
NTA No one is an AH. If it’s way back in your feed and no one looks at it, just save it to your phone. Take one step further and get it printed.
INFO: What pronouns does your ex use?
Block. Period. Her life her way. Your life moves on.
NTA, just block them, 3 years of no contact, might as well keep the no contact if they added you only for drama lol
YTA. You don’t have to delete the photo–you can absolutely keep it for yourself–but taking it down from the public internet is not an unreasonable request.
NTA. They have no control over YOUR social media. Untag and block, end of story.
Why not just crop your ex out of the photo? If it’s not about her and you really want it on your social media then take her out of it. But it would be smarter just to take it off your feed and save it on your hard drive just for you. No one else needs to see it.
NTA.
Trans guy here. There are a lot of pics of me pre transition. If your ex is tagged in the photo, remove the tag. Otherwise just block her and move on.
Gonna say NTA.
For whatever reason you and this person broke up and she removed herself from your life. She no longer has the right to demand anything from you, especially in regards to a photo that’s so far down your timeline, she had to go out of their way to scroll and find.
She needs to go to therapy for her insecurities instead of expecting everybody, including an EX she hasn’t spoken to in years, to erase her past for her. A pass that, I once again will add, she went out of her way to seek.
Just untag her, block her, and move on.
Bit weird this person decided to go rooting through 4 years of your photos.
NTA.
That person has problems to work through on their own. They aren’t your problem
NTA at all. L doesn’t get to decide what other people do, or do not do. What else do you have to do to appease their delicate sensibilities?
Untagging her is more than enough. I’d just block her.
Personally, I don’t want an ex I haven’t talked to in years to reappear only to start drama and give orders. NTA
if you don’t want to delete then just archive it right now. Block your ex. Then after a while you could take it out of archives (it doesnt’ get deleted, it’s just deleted off your profile). I am assuming it’s a famous person but if it’s 4 years deep in your social media, who is really seeing it
Pre-transition photos are a significantly different than haircuts or weight loss. Unfortunately it can be a bit more. For starters it’s a recollection of someone you are not and never truely have been. To many people that’s embarrassing and mortifying. It’d be closer to let’s say someone accidentally fell into a puddle of mud and someone else took a photo with them covered in mud and posted it online. In your case the mud covered person is in the background clearly visible.
Both instances doesn’t truely represent the individual in the photograph. Neither one wanted to have that appearance yet did due to unfortunate circumstance outside their control. Yea many people who may find it will ignore it, and move on. There’s also a sizable amount of that would willingly mock laugh or ridicule the individual in either of the photos.
Extreme cases of transphobia when someone is outed also results in harrassment, doxxing, and encouragement of assault and/or actual physical assault. This fear causes a lot of people to understandably want to scrub any indication no matter how small of a chance because that fear is very real and personal for them.
I wouldn’t say your a total AH due to offering to Un-tag her, however not all photos need to be online to matter.
I think anyone for any reason can ask for their photo to not be shared online. Not everyone is cool with their pictures to be publicly displayed, and they should have a right to withdraw a permission at any point.
It would be basic human decency to remove it. You still have the photo to yourself its doesn’t have to exist online.
Mh. YTA it’s a picture of her, she has rights to it. She asks you to take it down, take it down. Why does it have to be on Instagram anyways if it’s someone dear to you. Print it out and hang it on your wall.
NTA. Your ex is acting like they’re the main character and they sound exhausting. I’d just block them and forget about it
NTA, block them from seeing that one photo, problem solved.
NTA. Your ex coming back into your life just to give you orders about your own feed is really not OK.
NTA – They blocked you and cut off contact for years, only to return to whinge about a years old picture nobody was thinking about? Return the favour, block them and move on.
It’s your picture, it’s years down your feed, and they aren’t the focal point, plus if they’re an ex from years ago, they surely don’t have a large amount of overlap with you anymore? Them asking you to take down the photo is probably bringing more attention to it than literally just ignoring it.
YTA. Unless you have a legally binding written agreement giving you control of their image or likeness or THEY made it part of the public domain in that exact picture, you have no right to post that specific picture anywhere without their express consent. Even if you had that express consent when you posted the picture, it has clearly been revoked (again, unless said consent is in a legally binding written agreement).
This is what makes YTA and also likely breaking the law (if not multiple ones) by publicly posting THIS picture of them anywhere at any time.
YTA you can archive posts on Instagram so that they’re not visible to other people and they don’t appear on your timeline, but you’re still able to see them and the comments/likes aren’t deleted.
Whether or not you’re still friends or you’re trying to be an ally doesn’t matter, it’s disrespectful and weird to keep images of someone on your social media when they’ve specifically asked you not to. They’ve told you it makes them uncomfortable, you said yourself that it’s far back in your timeline and no one else is likely to see it, just archive the post it’s only for you now anyways .
YTA. So many folks here clearly not aware of how hard it can be to have that stuff out there for trans folks. It’s weird to me that you’re so desperate to keep it on your socials because the person is important to you, but having it reposted now with the changes your ex requested is just too much. Which is it, is it something you want seen and remembered or something you want hidden from 4 years ago?
NAH I understand why they want it taken down. It’s unnerving to think that they could be easily outed just by someone scrolling through your page and seeing that. It would be nice of you to do it, and I’m not sure why cropping it and reposting it would be an issue, since the other person in it is so important to you.
Ultimately though it’s your choice. Absolutely untag them though.
As a trans person, you’re NTA. They have no control over you. As long as you use the correct pronouns and are respectful, you’re an ally. They’re over reacting and sound like they’re one of those toxic trans people who make their gender their whole personality somehow. Stay far away from them.