hi i’m 20f and i had a huge blowup with my 28f sister. she wanted me to do work/study with her at a coffee shop, despite me telling her on numerous occasions (since 2023) i wouldn’t want to go. after i stood my ground and refused to go, she got angry and started giving me the cold shoulder and intentionally stopped speaking to me. we live together, so it was awkward with her walking straight past me and not even saying a word. i explained to my mom (she doesn’t live with us) what happened, and my mom said she’ll talk to her.
so she does, and basically my sister’s mad because she does everything for me and i “can’t sacrifice my time to do the same thing in return”.
for extra context, my sister for some reason doesn’t want to do things on her own, it’s always been like this since i was younger. each time she went to the store i HAD to go with her or else she was going to be upset with me. I had hoped this would all dissolve, but it didn’t. there was this time where she wanted to go to a fashion show, i declined as i’m not into that. she keeps insisting and she says “i already bought us tickets”. the day of the event, i’m clearly unhappy to be there and she says, “well you could’ve just said no, i would’ve went by myself.”
this has been an ongoing issue, and i’ve always feared of upsetting her or giving pushback because it 100% always results in her getting angry and pulling away. it’s literally just us two and we have nobody else to depend on.
so when i confronted her about all the things she’s done for me, she brings up the times where she had to drive me places (all places in which she volunteered on driving to). there was this time where she suggested for us to go painting at the library, and i asked her multiple times, “are you sure you want to?” to which she responded “yeah i like painting!”
we even had to reschedule the painting event and i insisted we really didn’t need to go, but she wanted to. even after the painting event she suggested for us to buy some to continue it.
now today, she apparently didn’t even want to go painting and only did it for me.
she held the fact over my head that she pays for the bills, subscriptions, and my wisdom tooth surgery, which are all things i have asked on multiple occassions to pay for, and called me selfish for not bothering to go out with her, despite us being around each other 24/7.
and when i brought up how she gives the cold shoulder when she’s mad at me? denied it completely. said it was me who does it, despite me having to say “hi” to her every time i see her, despite me letting her know when i’m leaving the house, despite me literally going to her room every single night to say goodnight and that i love her.
she also had an noncancerous fibroid surgery, which she decided to cancel because she “has no support system”. i don’t know why she’s risking her own health over something like this.
she also called me incompetent and pretty much implied i’m holding her down she can’t wait to go
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hi i’m 20f and i had a huge blowup with my 28f sister. she wanted me to do work/study with her at a coffee shop, despite me telling her on numerous occasions (since 2023) i wouldn’t want to go. after i stood my ground and refused to go, she got angry and started giving me the cold shoulder and intentionally stopped speaking to me. we live together, so it was awkward with her walking straight past me and not even saying a word. i explained to my mom (she doesn’t live with us) what happened, and my mom said she’ll talk to her.
so she does, and basically my sister’s mad because she does everything for me and i “can’t sacrifice my time to do the same thing in return”.
for extra context, my sister for some reason doesn’t want to do things on her own, it’s always been like this since i was younger. each time she went to the store i HAD to go with her or else she was going to be upset with me. I had hoped this would all dissolve, but it didn’t. there was this time where she wanted to go to a fashion show, i declined as i’m not into that. she keeps insisting and she says “i already bought us tickets”. the day of the event, i’m clearly unhappy to be there and she says, “well you could’ve just said no, i would’ve went by myself.”
this has been an ongoing issue, and i’ve always feared of upsetting her or giving pushback because it 100% always results in her getting angry and pulling away. it’s literally just us two and we have nobody else to depend on.
so when i confronted her about all the things she’s done for me, she brings up the times where she had to drive me places (all places in which she volunteered on driving to). there was this time where she suggested for us to go painting at the library, and i asked her multiple times, “are you sure you want to?” to which she responded “yeah i like painting!”
we even had to reschedule the painting event and i insisted we really didn’t need to go, but she wanted to. even after the painting event she suggested for us to buy some to continue it.
now today, she apparently didn’t even want to go painting and only did it for me.
she held the fact over my head that she pays for the bills, subscriptions, and my wisdom tooth surgery, which are all things i have asked on multiple occassions to pay for, and called me selfish for not bothering to go out with her, despite us being around each other 24/7.
and when i brought up how she gives the cold shoulder when she’s mad at me? denied it completely. said it was me who does it, despite me having to say “hi” to her every time i see her, despite me letting her know when i’m leaving the house, despite me literally going to her room every single night to say goodnight and that i love her.
she also had an noncancerous fibroid surgery, which she decided to cancel because she “has no support system”. i don’t know why she’s risking her own health over something like this.
she also called me incompetent and pretty much implied i’m holding her down she can’t wait to go
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> i feel like i’m having trouble understanding her pov, i’m really struggling to manuever from this situation. we had a huge argument and i think it only made things worse. i feel like because my lack of understanding is making me out to be an ass. if i let go of my pride for just an hour to go with her, then this wouldn’t of happened
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
ESH. Your sister of course. And you for putting up with it. Extricate yourself. Start saying No routinely. Etc.
NTA – You can’t be expected to be her only social outlet.
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NTA Because she seems a bit phobic about going out it to the world on her own, it’d be nice for you to sometimes go places with her, but you’re not her emotional support animal. She needs to be able to buy groceries alone. It sounds like she also needs some friends – and maybe therapy?
She may be your sister but she is not your family. Time for you to stop being her emotional support person and live your own life without keeping her in the equation.
NTA- That’s some serious gaslighting. If the only reason she’s doing those things for you is because you’re doing what she wants, then it’s more of a bargaining chip than real kindness. You have gone to events with her and for her sake, and you could list out what you’ve done for her too, but you don’t because you do those things because you love her, not as a talking point for future arguments.
I would honestly try to move out at this point. I know it’s definitely not that simple, but it sounds like a really unhealthy relationship/attachment, and honestly having to deal with the space is probably what she needs, even if it’s the last thing she wants. It’s super manipulative and dependent, and it sounds awful from this post tbh
Hi. You said your sister has been doing this for years, and since you’re only 20 right now, it means that she’s been exhibiting this behavior before you turned 18, which means you were an actual child.
It sounds like she still thinks of you as a child, and even though you don’t ask her for things anymore, in your mind, you are. She thinks she’s taking care of you in a way. Honestly, if your mom is still in her right mind (not senile), then the three of you need to have a sit down talk, possibly with an intermediary like a counselor/ psychologist/therapist. Because if your sister’s behavior has been going on this long, as you claim, then your mother can have your back in sessions with a counselor. I’m not saying that you and your mother need to gang up on your sister, but in this case, there’s your point of view, your sister’s point of view, and your mother’s point of view, which *should* be able to provide clarity between the two. Good luck, and you should definitely handle this sooner rather than later.
NTA my mom does this crap all the time. What they’re doing is weaponizing favors into their imaginary debt systems where you, in turn, are magically obligated to do whatever they want whenever they want, and fuck you if you don’t want to at that moment or have prior obligations. It’s a weird game codependent people play to keep their Emotional Support Victim close. All you can do is keep asserting your independence- insist on your no’s, and do things by yourself. If she has to shop for groceries alone, or go to the park alone, or go to the hair salon alone, three words: Too. Damn. Bad.
Nta. does your sister have a therapist? you could probably get one through your school health center for yourself. she is using you instead of actually dealing with her issues, and that is not ok.